I need , I can't handle this anymore.

[Matty_f]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and im new to the forum.

 

I have just split with my girlfriend after nearly 6 years and I don't think I can take this pain. I feel weak and useless.

 

I'll give you the back ground info.

 

I met her in school when we both turned 16 or 17. We have been together ever since and we are now both 22. We have had a few minor splits in the past but they have never lasted much more than a week and we were back together. Until feburary, valentines day to be exact. I called her and she told me that she didnt love me like she used to and it was more like she loved me like a brother. So we broke up. I hurt like hell and it was about a week before I eat anything. Whilst we was apart she met another man and had a mini fling with him. She said it was just a bit of fun and that it meant nothing and that made her realise that she missed me. In the end we got back together in April.

 

Since then our relationship has been great, we have got a flat which we kind of share, she lived there but I still lived at home because I couldnt afford to move in as im at University. We were the happiest we have ever been, it was great.

 

Until friday when we had our first major arguement. Now, ive always had a problem with my anger, it stems from when my dad died when I was 18. I try my best to keep it under control but on friday I lost it and our arguement got physical. I didn't hit her but we wrestled a bit. I have done it before and every time I do it I regret it. Everytime before she would forgive me because I promised her it wouldnt happen again. But it did.

 

Now we have split up and I know its all my fault. Im not a woman beater so please dont judge me like that. I love this girl more than anything, i would glad sacrifice myself so she can live.

 

Since friday I have enrolled on an anger management course to try and sort my anger out. I have told her this and I have told her how things would change but she doesnt believe me. Which is understandable.

 

Usually she pulls this kind of thing to punish me for something but I'm not sure if thats what shes doing or if it is truely over now.

 

She says she still loves me but she cant believe me. She gave me a hug as i left and promised me she would at least think about it but I dont think she will.

 

I regret what I done so much. I feel like a piece of scum for hurting her and I really want her back to make up for it as best i can and to prove to her that things will get better now that im getting help.

 

Please help me, any advice would be great.

 

Also, im finding it difficult to cry, why is that?

[Matty_f]

Please someone help me, I know I am the bad guy in this but I really need some advice. My guilt is tearing me up as well. But I really miss my g/f. I love her with all my heart.

 

Please, someone.

[ruby_gloom]

well, you're right in that you messed up, and majorly, too.

 

at this moment, there is really nothing that you can say that will earn her trust again. in other words, to be honest, your words mean very little at the moment.

 

it's true when they say that actions speak louder than words, you know. in your case, you promised her time and time again that you would not be abusive any more, and yet you still were. perhaps you meant it when you said it, but the fact remains that it is very easy to say things, while it's significantly harder to do what you say.

 

many people believe that if you truly love someone, you will never do anything to purposely hurt them, but i don't think i agree with that. in your case, i think you still love her, and i think that she perhaps still loves you, but you need to understand that she did the right thing in distancing herself from you while you sort out your emotional problems.

 

quite honestly, you need to tell her that 1.) you are sorry (but only say it if you really, really mean it) and that 2.) you are taking the necessary steps to better yourself, not just for your own wellbeing, but also in hopes of proving to her through actions, not words, that you recognize your problem and are trying to solve it, so that she may believe you, and take you back if she so chooses.

 

after you tell her, you need to leave her alone and focus on your anger issues. it seems to me that you not only need anger management, but perhaps counseling in general. dealing with the death of someone who is irreplaceable at a young age is extremely difficult. often, especially is the death is unexpected, we will go into shock and denial, which results in repression of natural feelings and emotions, like crying, and later the expression of abnormal feelings and emotions, like anger that is turned physical.

 

understand that while it is normal to feel angry at the death of another, it is not normal to project and manifest that anger by physically abusing another. in some ways, anger is easier expressed than sadness, if only because we mistakenly associate anger with power and sadness with weakness.

 

given that you went through such a difficult moment, the idea of feeling even more vulnerable by expressing sadness/grief/tears is not really attractive. this, however, is no excuse for your actions, but it may be a reason, which you would need to sort out with the help of a professional.

 

back to your exgf: again, you need to give her space. state what you must, and then let it go. i know this is a lot easier said than done, but understand that your focus should be on bettering yourself, so that your future relationships, whether they be with her or someone else, can be more healthy.

 

if you manage to change your ways, and i hope you do, then you can seek her out again, and let her see the new you. then, it will be up to her to decide whether she loves and trusts you enough to try again or not. realize that with the way things stand, the decision to reconcile lays/lies/whatever within her, not you.

 

your best bet is to try--to try to change, so that thing between you and her have a change of changing for the better.

[broken08]

Hey i'm kind of in the same situation but a little reversed.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me after hitting, punching, ripping out my hair when he was drunk on about 5 occasions. He never remembered doing this stuff because he was pledging a frat at the time and was badly drunk in which i tried to take care of him. I was in love with him but all he did was fight about it and didn't really seem to bother him that he was doing it.

 

in the end he left me because we fought too much and because he was hurting me. Instead of fixing his problem with drinking he decided to leave me. I forgave him every time for doing it and did not want to break up at all. But, he thought it was the best idea and he's extremely stubborn. I suffered, could not eat, and if i did usually ended up throwing up against my will. I begged and pleaded with him to just fix it and stay with me but he was more consumed with his friends. I watched him hook up with girls and then lie to me and say he wasn't. He was a monster, a completely different person then the one i thought i knew.

 

i waited about 2 months for him then finally i decided to go out, and have fun. I ended up hanging out with some guys, it wasn't that great but it was something and i ended up feeling slightly better, or powerful that i could do this just like he could. Because of mutual friends he was around alot and started seeing ims and stuff with me talking to other guys. Soon after that he started showing up again because he "missed me". but only when he was drunk. A month later he admitted to wanting me back and he hooked up with girls because his friends told him to so he would feel better. But in the end he said he felt better with me.

 

so yes, it is wrong to hurt your gf, but at the same time you are an amazing person and i know you care about her alot for enrolling yourself in anger management. My ex would never do that. I know that you don't mean it, and you really can't handle it.

 

she said she would think about it, that is a great sign. Right now however, you need to stop talking to her. You need to prove to her that you want her, and the only way to do that is by yourself, and over time. You need to stay in anger management and she will soon see that you are serious. If she wants to talk to you, fine. But let her initiate and keep the conversation short and not about your relationship. Show her that you are happy and doing fine. If she' loves you, she won't stray very far. She may try, but it just won't feel right and she'll come back.... I did.

[Matty_f]

First of all I would like to thank both of you for your replies and tell you that you are correct.

 

It was me who effectivly broke us up so it is me who has to change. I have my first anger management class tomorrow and to be honest i have mixed emotions about it. I'm excited because I know it will make me a better person but I am also nervous because I am generally shy and talking to a complete stranger about my inner most feelings is going to be an uncomfortable experiance.

 

Ruby_Gloom, what you said about being sad is a weakness, that is exactly how I feel about it. When my dad died I only cried twice and both times it was for about 30 seconds. I found it difficult to grieve and it was the same when my brother died 2 years earlier. My dad had Motor Neurone Disease so his death was kind of expected but my brother died by getting hit my a motorbike whilst he was cycling.

 

I know that with therapy I can not only improve my life but also improve our relationship. I have always had difficulty displaying emotion and I was rarely affectionate no matter how much I wanted to be. I know that if we get back together I will make her feel as special as she is.

 

She is my first love and I have never felt pain like this before but for some reason I still can't cry. I can feel it building up but something just wont let it come out.

[broken08]

yea i know how you feel. I feel like this is impossible because we've been together for 3 years and now he's saying he doesn't want to anymore when thats never even crossed my mind. I can't see myself not spending time with him especially when i go back to school in a few weeks. I don't know how i'm going to handle it. But i have no trouble crying usually. Sometimes i can't but other times it comes out of nowhere and might for you too.

[Lizzie60]

I doubt you'll get any sympathy here...

 

There is absolutely NO excuses for getting physical... NONE.

 

Now what? Nothing you can do my friend... you screwed up, you knew... you did it anyway...now you got to pay for your mistake... no brainer...

 

I don't blame her. I would never go back to a loser who beat a woman!!! NEVER.

[Chinook]

In some ways, I kinda agree with Lizzie. I would never go back to an abusive relationship. But...

 

Here's what I want you to think long and hard about. When you tell her it won't happen again, you're placating her. You're manipulating her into thinking what YOU want her to think. This time she simply does not believe you. She doesn't believe you because you have demonstrated time and time again that you cannot follow through with your actions, what you say in words. In order to earn respect and trust, it first has to be given.

 

So the second thing I want you to think about is this. Even in an argument, each person deserves RESPECT and that respect should have BOUNDARIES. One of those boundaries is that NEITHER of you should be getting physical. When you disrespect that boundary, you not only disrespect the person you are with, you are disrespecting yourself as a human being.

 

So the third thing I want you to think about is why you feel that your anger means you have to gain your respect and self esteem by getting physical....? Not a question we can answer here. But certainly one you should be thinking about.

 

The final thing I want you to think about is this. You are a man in love with a woman. That is a privilege you have each given the other. She has the right to expect that you will honour her in every aspect of how that plays out in your relationship. It does not include physical, emotional or any other abuse. You state that your anger is a problem - but look at other things that you do. Does she always come around to your ideas...? Does she always do what you want...? Think about it. How else might you be abusing her...? Because I can tell you something, physical abuse is usually only half the story.

 

I wish you well and you should count yourself lucky if she does give you another chance. In addition to which, you really ought to use this as a wake up call because right now.... wrestling and push n shove might be as bad as it is... and as much as you say you're NOT a woman beater.... the potential is there. That my friend is what scares you. You know it, so does she. Do something about it.