Limerent Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I thought I would enlist the help of you fine people to figure this thing out. I have this friend Alex who recently has been offering me marriage... Im confused. I am in my twenties. He is in his thirties. We have known each other for two years. He has had a very rocky past that he is still sorting through. I have had a rocky past that I have sorted through already. He isnt the type to settle down, and I'm not the type to marry. We have a very strong love/hate type of thing. Recently, he flat out tried to talk me into marriage with him. I asked him what on earth for, and to the best I was able to discern, it went something like this: *For mutual respect (we can find that in our friendship, Alex) *So if I die, you would honor my wishes with what to do with my body (You can sign that responsibility over to me without marrying me, Alex) *So I would know for peace of mind that all of my stuff will be split up the way I want it to if something happens to me (Again, you can appoint me in your will to do that without marrying me, Alex) *We wouldnt have to have sex, we could come and go as we please (We can do that already, Alex) *You wont have to be responsible for cleaning or cooking for me at all (Things are already this way, Alex) So basically, I have tried to narrow down the reasons for his persistance, and I am coming up with nothing as of yet. *We are both american, born and raised (not a marriage for paperwork) *Neither of us are rich. (Not for money) *We dont have kids together (not for the kids) *Our names are not synonymous with fame or fortune (not for influential gain) *Neither of us are sick (not for caretaker reasons) *Neither of us work in a field that would help each other ahead (not for proffesional gain) I think I might have missed a few things. Someone care to offer their thoughts to all of this??? Every excuse I came up with has a response. Including "No, I dont want to marry you or anyone, Alex" (But you would still live your own life, Limerent) "I can do that anyway, Alex" I want to be prepared when we talk about it again today, as he request we do.
Author Limerent Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Ah yes, and its not for convenience either, he was quick to point that out. Any thoughts are welcome.
corazoncito Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 This is weird. Here's some more guesses: -He's secretly in love with you and hopes you'll feel the same if you get married. -He's secretly gay and doesn't want anyone to know. -His family is pushing him to get married and he wants them off his back. -There is an inheritance at stake the depends on him being married (does he want you to sign a pre-nup?) -He has an elaborate scheme to commit a felony whose success somehow depends on you not testifying against him. Dunno. Like I said, weird.
Author Limerent Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 He's insecure. Period. Hi Moose! Care to elaborate? -He's secretly in love with you and hopes you'll feel the same if you get married. -He's secretly gay and doesn't want anyone to know. -His family is pushing him to get married and he wants them off his back. -There is an inheritance at stake the depends on him being married (does he want you to sign a pre-nup?) -He has an elaborate scheme to commit a felony whose success somehow depends on you not testifying against him. Good points, Corazoncito...thanks...I dont think he is gay, and his family is only his father and a couple of uncles who could care less what he does. Their all pretty much a rowdy bunch. Plus, he's in his 30's. There is not a female influence. No inheritence, no rich family members. Thats all I can think of. And we didnt have that talk because I had something to attend to yesterday.
Moose Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Hi Moose! Care to elaborate?You, sort of, already did: He has had a very rocky past that he is still sorting through. / He isnt the type to settle down, / he's in his 30's. There is not a female influence. No inheritence, no rich family members.There aren't any indications whatsoever of stability in his life. Marriage would change that and give him a feeling of permanency / security.
DoomFlake Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Hi, I'm new. IMHO, the only reason to get married is if you cannot possibly stop yourself from doing so. Sounds like he wants stability, but marriage without true commitment won't provide that. If you don't feel it, go with your gut. When I was in my 20's there was a weird spate of men begging to marry me, about one a year from age 20 to age 24. They were just ready to get married, but I didn't love them and I don't think they loved me. None of them actually said they did, oddly enough. They all married the next girl they found, and I traveled the world. Let us know how it goes!
katiebour Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Maybe he just wants to be married, and since he doesn't have a romantic interest, the only person he can think of to marry is you? My first b/f's parents met, dated, and got married because "it was time." They didn't love each other, didn't get to know each other well, they just wanted to be married, and to have kids. They are Chinese- maybe since arranged marriages are common that kind of outlook is the norm. Your situation reminds me of that Julia Roberts movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" or whatever it's called. They have that arrangement where, if by a certain time, they aren't married, then they will marry each other. Why? Just to get married, evidently. There are worse things than marrying a good friend, if in fact you do want to get married. I could see that being his point of view. However, I find it fishy that he says nothing will change. It does sound to me like he wants to romance you and maybe figures he has a better shot at it if he's already your husband. What kind of man tells his prospective wife that she doesn't have to have sex with him? If not with him, than with whom?
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