Kei Morioka Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 So awhile back I had an online friend. Me and said online friend were quite close. He sent me pictures, and love letters, and we even "dated" for a time. I still have all these things and view them as being quite sentimental. My current boyfriend of two years, however, wants me to get rid of them because he feels like I shouldn't have things from past boyfriends, even online ones. I don't talk to this online friend anymore and my boyfriend knows this, so it's not as if he thinks I still have interest in this guy. I expressed to him that the idea of getting rid of these things would make me feel unhappy because they're sentimental and I could never have anything like them again, but he told me that it would make him feel happy and more secure if I did, and that I shouldn't be unhappy because it would make him happy and that he'd be willing to give up things for me if I wanted him to. But I wouldn't expect that from him, and I don't feel that way myself. Him and I have just come out of a long spell where we fought a lot and he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I lied to him about things out of fear during that time and he found out, but I never cheated on him or anything like that. So the lies are what caused his insecurity. Things have been better this past month or so, and I do feel like things are changing, but I still feel a bit reluctant to give myself to him completely again. So is he reasonable for asking of me to give up sentimental things? Should I give up the sentimental pictures and letters from my old friend to make him happy even though it wouldn't make me feel very good? He says it would help our relationship, but I'm not even sure I want to stay with him yet after everything that's happened.
boyboy Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I say get rid of it because its a sign of an insecure person. You have your memories with him, and they will still be there if you get rid of the items. Focus on the present, not the past.
corazoncito Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Him and I have just come out of a long spell where we fought a lot and he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. This is the part that worries me. A lot. Everyone has different opinions on whether it's ok to hang on to old relationship mementos and I think that it's something to be worked out for every couple individually. However, you say this is an abusive relationship. You're also afraid of your BF. Abusers like to control their partners. This sounds like a case of control to me and an unhealthy relationship that you're not happy in. Maybe you're reluctant to get rid of these items because they remind you of positive feelings you've had in your past, while your current relationship is making you feel very negative. It sounds like he wants to cut you off from those past, happy feelings. That would be normal if your current relationship were healthy and happy. But it doesn't sound that way to me.
annabelle75 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I am of the camp that you shouldn't have to get rid of mementos from past relationships to make your partner happy. If they require it, it just shows how insecure and controling they are. Based on what you've said about him being emotionally abussive, this is probably the case. If I were you I'd tell him "No I have decided not to get rid of them" and if he chooses to end the relationship because you will not follow his orders it shows how shallow his feelings are for you. If he doesn't wnat you becasue he can't control you, its not a helathy relationship. You're not doing anything wrong by holding on to good memories. BTW - While moving last weekend I caught my current boyfriend browsing through my wedding album. When I found him under the stairs looking at it all he said was. "You looked really hot in that dress. " He knows I am with him and have moved on with my life, and also accepts that I had a life before him that was filled with good and bad memories. He would never ask me to get rid of anything that had sentimental value. He trusts me.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I was going to say pretty much what annabelle75 just said. Minus the current boyfriend part.
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 It sounds like you have to work pretty hard in your relationship to keep this guy happy! You have hidden things from him in order to keep the peace and avoid abuse. You are now asked to give up treasured momentos in order to keep him happy. The question is: How is HE keeping YOU happy? What has HE given up for your relationship. Has HE spared YOUR feelings? You say that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to you. This appears to be a continuation of his need to be in control.
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