sadfish Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 You know, when he shuts off because he's stressed and needs his space...when is it appropriate, if at all, to contact him just to see how he's doing? This guy i'm seeing has at least told me that's what he does when he's stressed out with things, and he's got plenty to be stressed about currently. I just want to know people's takes on whether or not to check in with him...it's hard for me not to, but i want to respect his needs. We last talked on the phone on Sunday and since then, i've not tried to contact him. Should i throw a "hey how are you doing?" out there or continue to give him his time? Or is this looking like yet another case of "he's just not that into you?" lol Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 You know, when he shuts off because he's stressed and needs his space...when is it appropriate, if at all, to contact him just to see how he's doing? This guy i'm seeing has at least told me that's what he does when he's stressed out with things, and he's got plenty to be stressed about currently. I just want to know people's takes on whether or not to check in with him...it's hard for me not to, but i want to respect his needs. We last talked on the phone on Sunday and since then, i've not tried to contact him. Should i throw a "hey how are you doing?" out there or continue to give him his time? Or is this looking like yet another case of "he's just not that into you?" lol I don't believe that John Gray's crap... I accept that someone (male or female) might need some time out once in a while... but 'days'... no way. I feel it's more like a good excuse to have 'free time' ... or cheat, or whatever... I just don't buy that theory... If I were in your shoes... I would just 'forget about him'... and I know I am way too independant to contact a guy who wants 'his time'.... as far as I'm concerned he can have all the time he wants from now on... without me... Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I agree with Lizzie. That seems excessive. I do think the "cave" thing is true, but in all of the good relationships I've observed the "cave" phase is measured in hours, not days. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I just don't buy that theory... If I were in your shoes... I would just 'forget about him'... and I know I am way too independant to contact a guy who wants 'his time'.... as far as I'm concerned he can have all the time he wants from now on... without me... I agree with Lizzie forget about this guy. If it's been since Sunday and he hasn't contacted you I would just forget it. No one is that busy when there is someone in their life they want to be with. And, to be so busy as to not want to even call you and talk for 5 minutes? Link to post Share on other sites
Not_That_Innocent Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I'm going to disagree with everyone and say there is no time limit as to how long he stays in the cave. It may seem excessive to some, but everyone is different. Unless he has come straight out and told you that he doesn't want to be with you I wouldn't take it as anything more. And as John Gray says, don't try to smoke him out of his cave. Give him the space he needs and he will be back. I assume the two of you aren't that serious since he hasn't checked in at all. It seems if nothing else he would let you know that he is okay. This is not to say that he's not into you, just thinking perhaps you two aren't that serious. Also wanted to add that I have being seeing a guy (we aren't that serious) and he does the same thing. The first time he did it I couldn't figure it out, I thought I had done something wrong. When he finally came out of his cave he straight up told me that sometimes he isolates himself. He went on to say how much he cared about me, etc., etc., but that he has a lot to deal with - and he does!!! He was surprised that I took it personal. Sometimes we are quick to think that everything is "All about us" when in actuallity it has nothing to do with us at all. When you like someone or care about someone, but have personal problems it's hard to mesh the two. I haven't seen my guy since Friday. Haven't talked to him since Sunday. I sent him a couple of text messages, most of which he hasn't responed to. Don't get me wrong, I am not happy about it! I like being the center of attention so the fact that he's not giving me any drives me nuts. But I know he has a lot to deal with right now so I'm just going to let him be. He will be back. I know he will. The last time we talked things were fine between us, so I have no reason to believe it's me - even though my mind tells me that. I know that he will eventually come out of his cave. In the grand scheme of things I don't think the two of us could ever be serious. Simply because I need attention and he often needs his space. In the long run, it would not work unless one of us was willing to compromise, which is hard to do when something is built into your personality. This is not to say that we are bad people, we just have different needs. My advice to you is if the last time you spoke things were okay, go with that and let him have his space. Just keep in mind how often/how long he likes to go to his cave and consider if that is something you could deal with long term. Do not try and contact him - let him be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadfish Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Thanks everyone for your responses, i really appreciate the different views. I have to say i agree with everyone, actually--we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks, so it's still in the very early stages and nothing has certainly been established short of that we like each other and the time we have spent together. So i AM aware of the fact that it's not anywhere near serious...lol. He lives about 2 hours away from me, so obviously that's a consideration too, but i do feel conflicted because, yes, i agree, if someone really claims to like you, they find the time to contact you if even for a minute. He pursued me pretty intensely i must say, but then he also DID tell me of all the things he's got going on in his life and admitted that he DOES tend to retreat when stressed and apologized saying he doesn't mean to do it...so part of me is like, ok--he was at least honest enough to tell me that and make sure i'm aware of it, right? That accounts for something, no? The last time we talked he made sure to tell me that he can't wait to see me again and missed me--everything seemed fine, we didn't talk about anything heavy or relationship-y. Men just baffle me...lol Link to post Share on other sites
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 If it were me, I'd call him on Sunday. That gives him 7 days of "cave time" and if that's not enough, then maybe it's going to be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I personally can't relate to the whole "Get away from me I'm stressed and need space" thing. I know a lot of people do it but when I'm stressed I want company and comforting. Can you handle someone that handles stress that way? If it's OK with you, then I would say check in with him every couple days. If he can't handle that there's a huge issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadfish Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 I ended up sending him a "just checking in, i've been busy too" email, kept it light and happy. Now it's just a matter of waiting to see what happens now, which is the part i hate the most...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Call it what you want but call a spade a spade. Calling it "retreating into a cave" is another way of legitimizing unacceptable behaviour. Everyone needs time to themselves but not if it's at the beginning of the relationship and not if it's for days. If a guy is doing this, he's pulling back for whatever reason(s). He may be playing a game or he might also be the type of guy who is focused on self. You'll find that this type of behaviour will increase the more secure or insecure he gets, as you progress further into your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I deal with stress in a similar way. There are just days, and sometimes several in a row in which I don't really want to deal with other people. But, being female, I probably would call and check in. I wouldn't spend a week with no contact unless something HUGE was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I don't think it's gender specific. If someone shuts down on you, you shouldn't take it. If you do, you're looking at long haul communication issues. During the endorphin-high stage, this is when you can't get enough of them. If you're already getting too much of them in first month and ignoring them, I don't think this bodes well for the future. If this relationship were years old, the need for space would be more prevalent and acceptable, particularly if they're spending inordinate amounts of time together, such as living together, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 As a guy, my advice is give him his space. If he is actually boinking some other woman, or having serious doubts, then things are doomed anyway - nagging him about not calling you back is hardly going to make him sit up and say "You know, this woman was bugging me before - but now she is nagging me about my absence, I've realised I am massively into her. I'm going to run back to her immediately and thank her for pestering me!" If you can't deal with him wanting some time alone, probably best to move on and find some more clingy guy, rather than try to change the behaviour of the man you already have. I think you made a good decision sending the "just checking" email. See how it goes and if you don't hear back, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 As a guy, my advice is give him his space. If he is actually boinking some other woman, or having serious doubts, then things are doomed anyway - nagging him about not calling you back is hardly going to make him sit up and say "You know, this woman was bugging me before - but now she is nagging me about my absence, I've realised I am massively into her. I'm going to run back to her immediately and thank her for pestering me!" That's some funny ****. And pretty true too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 Write him an email saying something like "Hope you're doing okay, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you..." Short, sweet and to the point. He isn't going to be upset or pissed off that you did that, nor will he be concerned on whether or not you've made an attempt to contact him. Some men just need to be completely alone and sort things out themselves. Good news is, when they've sorted it out and feel better, they come around again. Is that selfish? Sure, maybe, because you get left out of the loop - But, for him, it's the way he copes with stuff. Anyway, if alot of time goes by (like afew more weeks or a month) then if I were in your shoes, I'd be wondering WTF!... The thing is, you two haven't been together for that long, so he may not feel he owes you an explanation outside of what he has already told you. Link to post Share on other sites
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 When a man goes into his 'cave'...you should lock the door behind him, throw away the key and rid the world of one more penis! jokin guys just couldnt resist Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 I guess my ex left me out of the loop for about 3 weeks. Went on vacation for 2, then came back and didn't call for another. Needless to say, I haven't responded. He can stay in his cave. Link to post Share on other sites
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