uniqueone Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I know I've been posting a lot...hope it's not getting annoying. I guess one good thing is that I'm not talking about the ex much anymore...for now anyway. I just wondered if anyone here has stayed friends with ex's. I mean, people talk about the NC thing so it seems like most believe in not staying friends. Have you ever...or would you?
Ashbash11 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Yes, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up 2 years ago, and we are still friends. However, I wouldn't recommend it, especially not for people who had a messy breakup, or where there are feelings on one side or the other. We have a very turbulent friendship, to be honest. I can say that it is nice to spend time with him and he's a very good friend, but it seems unhealthy to keep in as close contact with him as I do. *just my 2 cents*
Author uniqueone Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 I've had some ex's contact me and I've always been friendly. Most times I didn't keep the contact up for good though. In one instance, we have and we don't usually see each other but we email and have talked occasionally. He did help me about a year ago with a car situation that I had --that's probably the last time I actually "saw" him. And it wasn't an easy break up either. He kept telling me everything was fine...and then out of the blue...on New Years eve....he ended it. Well...said he wanted to take a "break". I spent the next several months trying to get him back. I then realized that the "break" meant "break-up". I stopped talking to him for awhile and got involved with someone else (it was a situation of frying pan into the fire, unfortunately). After a few months we started contact again and I let him have it. I told him everything I'd wanted to tell him all along...and it wasn't good. (basically I told him about what an a$$ he'd been at times) He still talked to me....I was surprised. This incident is what has led me to express myself more with future partners. Well...that and age. When you get older, you just don't give a rats a$$ anymore and say what you feel. So it was kind of a turning point for me. Anyway, he and I have kept in touch and like I said, he's helped me with some things as well. He's been a big supporter of me on a talent of mine that he thinks is marketable. This surprised me because he's not one to compliment. (he didn't know those things about me when we dated because it was more of a relationship of going out on dates rather than really talking. That is the reason that I was questioning the relationship and he liked it the way it was. I pushed for more and that's why he ended it. He hasn't been involved with anyone since. I don't think he can really get close to anyone....at least not yet. So that's my story of being friends with an ex.
WhiteKnight Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Personally I feel the idea of staying in touch with your ex's on a regular or constant basis can be quite annoying at times. At the same time you find that being too close to your ex is not the best way to get healed within less than 5 years, depending on how severe the break-up was. However I believe in the concept that you can be friends with your ex, just I suppose it depends how people want it to be worked out to a certain level you know. Just takes time to heal between each others wounds. With me from my experience, to be honest I have an ex-fiance (ex-gf which now I'd like to keep it that way), she and I used to get along quite well but around about after 11months after the break-up I had cut all ties with her and wanted to chill out with myself alone for awhile. You know, to clear my mind and thoughts about her if I really wanted to stay as good friends with her. After about a good 2 - 3 months I had unblocked her and let her resume talking to me again, fair enough we did talk a lot but with me being quite busy and all. She rarely emails me because I think she is busy as well however we don't keep in contact too much nowadays and I seem to like it in a way. I only did say to her that I wanted to hear the good things, nothing about the bad things except if its something that she has trouble dealing with and needs some advice or support, I could speak to her out of my own opinion that I think is best for her. I know she did not want to see me again and I believe she regreted it a lot when she told me that at one point, so that was one of the main reason I cut her off. Even since I had gone back online and let her talk to me, I have to admit she values the friendship with me a lot but at the same time she had been forcing me a lot to 'become her friend again' despite of all the past she got me involved. She tried to force me to give her my own mobile/cell phone contact details but I ignored it politely because I had lots of reservations about it. She got stroppy about a day or so later that things were not working out to *her* way. However I said I would do it, but in my own time and not hers. In short term, I would never be like the same friend as I was before because I saw it a complete emotional waste of time. Then as time moved on, I left her totally alone and never initiated a conversation with her anymore. I think after a period of time she soon realised that I wanted to keep my distance, out of her sight and more or less I only would talk to people (including her) if I was addressed to. She told me that she considers me as a good friend but I said to myself... "That's contradicting for a person who betrayed your trust..." *shrugs* I know she forgave me and all but you know, I just get too much grey hairs thinking about her and what she said to me. I sometimes look at the chat logs or email once in awhile to think back a little then I stopped worrying and did not bother caring for her anymore because she did not care about me anyways. She was mixed up and abused the friendship big time and I will not forgive her for that reason, however more or less I just don't want any enemies and leave them alone to their devices because I have a partner and should be more focused on that than about the EX. The EX always has the choice to be friends or not, but the third bottom line is that a friendship with the EX is possible however the bottom line is that do you really value that person to be your friend?
Author uniqueone Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 The EX always has the choice to be friends or not, but the third bottom line is that a friendship with the EX is possible however the bottom line is that do you really value that person to be your friend? I think it all depends on the situation. If the breakup was because the person lost romantic feelings (or never really had strong ones) then what's not to value about the person? It also depends on the intensity of the relationship. With the person I'm still friends with, we didn't have a really close relationship. I actually feel closer to him now beause we've "talked" a lot more (mostly through emails). I had an ex who I was with for several years and he came back six months later and wanted to resume the relationship and I said no. Then he came back about 2 years later as a friend. We stayed friends for a year or so but it faded. He got married and had kids and he was still a mess with his lifel We were on different levels. I think another factor involved with staying friends is if the people have someone new or not. With the one I am still friends with, he doesn't date (as far as I know). And I haven't really had too serious of relationships. If either one of us had, the friendship might change.
Author uniqueone Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 personally, i can say that i have never regretted a single relationship i was in and the woman i shared my life with. each one has been a learning experience and has brought me a wealth of knowledge and happiness. when i think about these women, my thoughts always go first to everything that was right from the start. You sure you're for real? lol
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I know I've been posting a lot...hope it's not getting annoying. I guess one good thing is that I'm not talking about the ex much anymore...for now anyway. I just wondered if anyone here has stayed friends with ex's. I mean, people talk about the NC thing so it seems like most believe in not staying friends. Have you ever...or would you? I am TRYING to stay friends with the ex...he's done alot of things which are reaaaaaaaally hard to forgive...but he begged me to stay his friend after he screwed me around AGAIN after i put him through a yr of N/C. There are days i don't want to be his friend and days when i realize that he is hardly a friend to me at all that i wouldnt notice if he disappeared two weeks ago. Really i think it'd be the best for me if i hadnt let him back in my life. But that's in my situation...it's different for everyone. Personally i prefer not to stay friends...even if im the one who has done the dumping. It's just messy business.
Author uniqueone Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 I am TRYING to stay friends with the ex...he's done alot of things which are reaaaaaaaally hard to forgive...but he begged me to stay his friend after he screwed me around AGAIN after i put him through a yr of N/C. There are days i don't want to be his friend and days when i realize that he is hardly a friend to me at all that i wouldnt notice if he disappeared two weeks ago. Really i think it'd be the best for me if i hadnt let him back in my life. But that's in my situation...it's different for everyone. Personally i prefer not to stay friends...even if im the one who has done the dumping. It's just messy business. I only believe in being friends with the ex when you both want to be....no begging. If you have resentment against him and can't forgive him, then no I wouldn't be a friend. That's being a friend under duress and what kind of friendship is that?
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 It's not a friendship at all. He couldn't care less about me even though he wanted to be friends. I just stick with it because i enjoy the company of his friends. Keep the peace and i keep some friends.
WhiteKnight Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 NightsInWhiteSatin, I understand what you are going through as well. Believe me I had been through a few situations like that or something similar to the affect that I don't wish to be friends with someone who screwed me over big time. The friendship I was had with some of my ex's had faded away, it was either I or she left. I noticed that the forum I was on, about 2 months ago my third ex left permanently from the forum. She said that she could not be a member there anymore and wanted to leave on good terms with everyone, then she revealed herself to everyone about me saying that I am not a jerk or a cold hearted person. My third ex explained everything in detail that she wanted a friendship with me and it never worked out, I replied to her back there and then on the fansite we socialise with. I put something down for her to realise that sometimes a friendship between an ex is not possible because if one person could not have any faith in forgiving or trusting that person again, the wounds in the heart, soul and mind would never fade regardless how much we wanted to 'forgive and forget' over the past. If I could not forgive her my ex for how I was dumped back then, I would of lost my own identity and the kindness of who I was back there. In the end she just left and sent me a long email but there was a keyword in the message that said "Forgive me please..." To cut the long story short, I forgave my third ex after 2 months later without telling her but I chose NC overall. However for my 8th ex, who was my fiance, she just wanted the friendship but I drifted in secret and didn't care if I was her friend or not anymore. Just happens... Hey uniqueone, just to give you a short response about your reply to my previous post. I agree about the whole thing on what you have said, however I believe that getting back together as 'friends' would be better than just getting back as couples. However in the short term, when two exes break up and stay apart from each other. Despite whether you keep in touch on a regular basis or not, the friendship with the EX will fade in the end. Its a sad feeling, I've experienced it before when I realised I have not heard from an EX for about 6 months and realise that perhaps she does not want the friendship anymore. But at the same time, she would be saying the same thing about you or 'why is he so distant or away from me?' The short answer, we tried to be friends but either found it hard or just walked away overall. People who walk away usually are people who are either - find it hard to talk with the EX, find it hard to trust or believe in the EX, perhaps got attached or married to someone, busy with work or studies or gaming etc. The most common thing with people who have walked away from the EX could be referred as 'Avoidance'. Unfortunately this does happen a lot, we avoid the EX feeling we are unsure how to communicate and regain the trust as it was before. But at the same time, hard to accept that even though any of us wanted a friendship and were unable to repair the damage that was done. However usually we can not easily forgive or forget what had happened before, depending on how severe the breakup was.
FallenTree Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Ahh..the friends with the ex thing. Well my recent experiences make me think it's definitely not the best idea. The recent ex and I initially decided not to talk for a while post break up (NC for however long I wanted), well I gave in and we started talking yet again...which led to more talking and more visits and sleeping together yet again and acting like dating without the actual title of "boyfriend"/"girlfriend." Then...I felt as though we broke up again several times, since we would pretty much act like dating, then he'd decide randomly to ignore me for a long while....(yes it's my fault for being the dummy in letting this happen anyway). Our whole "friendship" anyway has always been turbulent actually, and the few times we are actually "just friends" it tends to somehow either be uncomfortable and not really friends or really getting close and almost dating, but him not wanting to commit to me again....so what is the point? Very recently, we ended up getting close again; he introduced me as his "girlfriend" to all his friends at this show his band was playing and all, then after I leave, no word...typical of him and stupid of me. In other relationships, the whole friends thing just never worked. Someone always seems to get jealous...in the past, it was the guy who kept calling and getting mad anytime I would mention another guy or if he'd see any pics or anything.
Slippy72 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Not a good idea. I was friends with the girl before we started dating and all was fine. Once we started dating we could never ever go back to the way things were. She contacts me a lot trying to rebuild our friendship, but I know it'll only end up hurting me.
Chinook Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I'm not friends with any of my exes either. I'm "friendly" with the guy I spent 10 years with, but I wouldn't say we're friends. I'm not there for him and he's not there for me and we both do that out of consideration for his current relationship because his GF is very insecure. But he's the only one I have any sort of contact with, even though I've been friends with most of the people I've dated before a relationship started.
kali420 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I'm at 50/50 with being friends with the EX. I usually just erase their number from my phone! lol. I would always do that. One of the replies here was that it depended whether or not the EX was in another relationship. I do agree with that. My EX hooked up with a co-worker of mine that I used to work with. It broke my heart. Granted, it was about seven months after we broke up, but, it still hurt my feelings. So, I decided that I couldn't be her friend. She claimed that she was trying to be my friend the whole time. I guess the first couple of months I had a false hope of reconsilation. I mistook the friendship. But, I felt that if she was my friend, she wouldn't have done that. She knew I still had feelings for her. I told her that I missed her and wanted her back. It still stings a little. We share common friends. We used to work together she and I did. So, it makes it even harder for me. I feel as if my friends feel like they should either choose me or her. That's not fiar either. She was older than me by eleven years. The co-worker she hooked up with me is three years younger....So, it messed with my head....She said that my age was kind of a factor....Really messed with my head! Anyways, thats my story...that is definitely an EX that I will NOT be friends with.
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