Ketey Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 July 3rd of 2006, a month after our 25th anniversary, my husband left me for another woman. I was blindsided. She was a coworker. She left her husband of 27 years. We were divorced in December, they were married this past March. My ex takes no responsibility for the failure of our marriage. He feels he did nothing wrong as he claims that he never had sex with her until he left me. I recently found what I have been looking for the past year: an explanation of what an emotional affair is and the damage is does. (See Wikipedia under Emotional Affair.) Those who cross that line blame those of us left behind to lick our wounds for everything that went wrong. The damage left behind by my ex and his wife is something they will never see nor accept. Many lives were affected: spouses, children, parents, brothers and sisters, the list goes on. I am "moving on". But to those who chose to betray their spouses, and to those singles who choose to cheat with married people, I have one message. No excuse you can come up with for your disgusting behavior will ever be bought by those of us morally strong enough not to cross that line. I married my best friend. I loved him with all my heart. And he ripped out my heart. I have forgiven him. But I will never get over that kind of betrayal. I meant what I said when I recited my vows. He didn't. I pray every night for those of you out there that have felt the pain of this kind of betrayal. God has not forgotten us. We will survive. Everything happens for a reason and there can only be good things ahead for us. Hold your head high. You kept your promise. And our children will one day thank us for that.
tinke Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 it astounds me how some people have no sense of loyalty, and worse...no remorse for their hurtful actions. i, too, believe things happen for a reason, doesn't make it any easier, i know. but, you are correct, he left. quite honestly, it sounds like they both deserve each other. are you taking care of you? do you feel that you are moving on? i'm sorry for your pain, hoping you find solace.
LakesideDream Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Ketey, You are a better person than I. There is no way I will forgive as long as she lives. It's not necessary. The kids are grown (and were) and we are not in contact. Do I wish her ill will.. yes in a limited way. I would be happy to find out she was twice as damaged emotionally buy a future event than I was when she was done with me. Would I be proactive and participate.. no. Her life is hers now... but I can hope. I cannot buy into the "everything happens for a reason" rational. IMO that's just a pain saving phrase uttered by those hurt. It's good that you are getting over your pain. I wish you all the luck and happiness you can find in your future.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 He feels he did nothing wrong as he claims that he never had sex with her until he left me. He can "claim" whatever he wants... but I figure the odds of his truthfulness are somewhere between winning the jackpot at the lottery and being struck by lightning on a cloudless day. Sure, it can happen... but it's just not all that likely. Guys don't usually leave a long-standing marriage when there isn't sex in the offing. Based on what you've said here... it's more likely that your husband was having a full blown affair. And since it was a coworker, and he knew there was no way to pass off the old "we just met" gambit, he copped to an EA instead. Now, men will occasionally leave a bad marriage just to get out. In those cases, the marriage is usually REALLY bad, bad enough that the spouse left behind isn't all that "blindsided". A guy like that is living in misery and it shows. He's usually complained a good bit about whatever unmet needs he has and he's probably suggested divorce a few times. These kind of guys are a bit shell-shocked once they extricate themselves, and it's hard to imagine one like that jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, marrying again after just a few measly months. Nope. I'd say your ex-husband pulled your leg. Here's the good news though... With the right attitude, it's YOU who'll end up being the big winner in this scenario. Cheaters are rarely happy together. The odds are something like 3% that they'll be able to maintain a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. Sure, they're happy as clams right now. But... the infatuation stage hasn't passed yet. That'll take an estimated 2-4 years. Infatuation is kind of like the seed from which love may grow. It's no guarantee that it will. Cheaters can extend an infatuation period for YEARS when their affair is hidden from view. It's secret and therefore exciting. Once it's exposed to the light of day though, and once the obstacles that were once in their way are hurdled... the excitement dissipates same as it does in any other relationship. Then... here are these two cheaters, with nothing else to do but FINALLY take a good hard look at one another. What's more, they're dealing with the mundane aspects of real life, as well as the fallout from their destroyed families. The adult children usually aren't too pleased with their cheating parents, and the cheating parents are unlikely to LOVE each other's children the way they loved their own. So, if one of OW's adult children moves back in and lays on the couch all day surrounded by empty corn chip bags and pop bottles... it's a whole different experience than it would be if it was his OWN child who he was free to communicate with when he was married to you. He'll hate the idea of her giving them money, or he'll hate that she has a negative comment if he's generous to his own. He'll hate that her grandchildren are always up his butt, and he'll hate it that his own don't spend much time with him. Life is a series of things we both like and dislike... and he will feel his dislikes much more keenly. Familiarity breeds contempt. It's often at this stage of the game where they attempt to keep trouble stirred up with the ex. That provides a little burst of unity, brief remembrances of the time when it was just the two of them against the world. (And of course at this stage, you NEVER allow them to make YOU into the glue which binds them together, right?) Meanwhile, each one of them REMEMBERS watching the lies spin forth from the other's mouth. They KNOW what their new partner is capable of, and they're wracked with insecurity. Particularly the OW. In order to "win" her cheating man... she had to engage in an unannounced competition with you. She had to beat your time. And in her rivalry, she had to become the opposite of all you were. Cheating men often justify their infidelity on their wife's shortcomings, so he'll have complained to her about you, and she will have had to convince him that she would NEVER do any of the things that you did. So... if his complaint was say...'infrequent sex', she can never say 'no' without wondering if he's making a comparison. If his complaint was 'nagging', she must never nag. And for each and every one of those complaints he might have shared with her... she is now locked in to being the opposite of what you were. She is chained to her own previous advertising claims. Meanwhile, my dear... YOU are free as a bird. You're free to explore your own interests, free to make time for yourself, free to decorate you home however you like, free to make new friends. You are untethered. You can draw up a list of places you'd like to see or things you'd like to do... and have at. You can change your career, go back to college, join a gym, and take whatever lovers you like. And once you're living your life to the fullest... you will blossom. You will become interesting, vital, dynamic, and tantalizing to a guy who only thought he knew you before. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And once 'the new car smell' has worn off the OW, he will watch you from afar and wonder "who is that girl?" You know, you see it fairly frequently in marriage-building forums, where the cheater runs off with the OW but a few years later comes sniffing back around his ex. By this time though, the betrayed wife is no longer interested. She's discovered that life is GOOD and that he wasn't worth all the tears and heartache. Meanwhile back at the ranch, the OW (who's already seen his cheating moves) is more insecure than ever, and in trying to hold on to him as he disengages emotionally... forgets that she can NEVER engage in the behaviors that he complained about in regard to you. Now, there are no guarantees or timetables on how an affair marriage will pan out. We had a guy come in here a year or two ago who had left his first wife and married his OW something like 14-15 years earlier. I can't remember if he was cheating again or only just contemplating it, but I do remember that he regretted getting together with her in the first place. Sometimes they'll stay for YEARS out of stubbornness, and because they don't have any place else to go. We also have a guy, who posts in another forum, who's been happily married with his OW for something like 40 years. So it does happen occasionally that it all works out for the affair couple. I think it's pretty rare though. I mean, when you look at the emotional dynamics of a post-affair marriage... the odds are heavily stacked against success. My advice to you dear, is to go ahead and "blossom". Enjoy each and every day to it's fullest, make the changes in yourself you've always wanted to make. Reinvent yourself. Be the woman you always planned to be. Cherish the freedom that you have to do so, particularly in light of the fact that these two cheaters have CHAINED themselves to one another. And... consider buying one of those hot-air corn poppers. You don't want to get fat on microwave popcorn, and these people are going to give you ALOT of cause to just sit back and watch the drama unfold. Pass the salt, please.
Gunny376 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 50% of all first time marriage end in divorce 62% of all second time marriages end in divorce 72% of all third time marriages end in divorce Of the intial 50% of first time marriages that stay together, their living in martial apathy. They're staying together because of the children, finances, the status quo. Only 13% of the other 50% are "Happyly" married. MY XW has been married to DH No.# 3 for 17 years. She's 52, she gets older, uglier, meanier and sicker with each passing year ~ but he's got her! So, I guess that makes him the "Winner" Even though he's eight years younger than her. Meanwhile "Back At The Ranch" I'm earning more than I've ever earned! I owe less than I've ever owed! I'm not laying up nights worrying where tha' Hell my wife's is? Who's she's out 'scrogging? Worrying about catching one of those "gifts" that keep on giving? Out of the child rearing business! Out of the child support business! I make the rules ~past my front door! Come and go as I please! Answer to no-one! Do as I please! When I please! As I please! Eat when I please! Fart when I please! Belch as I please! Answer the door, if I please! Answer the phone if I choose to? Sleep in if I choose to do so? Take in a stray cat or dog if it soots my fancy? Shave if it soots me? Buy what I want, when I want? Play the music I want when I want to! Watch the TV programs I want, when I want? Watch the movies I want, when I want? Retired out of the Marine Corps, with all the bennies of being on active duty and none of tha' BS? Medical, dental, commissary, no-tax PX? Go out and find a new girl friend and loving? Single life!!!!???????????????? Damned the BAD luck!!!!
bish Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 it astounds me how some people have no sense of loyalty, and worse...no remorse for their hurtful actions. Oh my...stick around and you'll see plenty of people on this site like that.
bish Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Meanwhile "Back At The Ranch" I'm earning more than I've ever earned! I owe less than I've ever owed! I'm not laying up nights worrying where tha' Hell my wife's is? Who's she's out 'scrogging? Worrying about catching one of those "gifts" that keep on giving? Out of the child rearing business! Out of the child support business! I make the rules ~past my front door! Come and go as I please! Answer to no-one! Do as I please! When I please! As I please! Eat when I please! Fart when I please! Belch as I please! Answer the door, if I please! Answer the phone if I choose to? Sleep in if I choose to do so? Take in a stray cat or dog if it soots my fancy? Shave if it soots me? Buy what I want, when I want? Play the music I want when I want to! Watch the TV programs I want, when I want? Watch the movies I want, when I want? Retired out of the Marine Corps, with all the bennies of being on active duty and none of tha' BS? Medical, dental, commissary, no-tax PX? Go out and find a new girl friend and loving? Single life!!!!???????????????? Damned the BAD luck!!!! LOL...I am finding out ALL those benefits you just described above and my divorce isn't final yet. Although I haven't been out on a date with anyone and really, don't want to right yet. The whole experience has left me with a hardened heart and very untrusting. I can honestly say I will never get married again, and I'm only 38. But like you, I am looking forward to this. Sorry to be off topic...now back to the thread.
dbtmarley Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 50% of all first time marriage end in divorce 62% of all second time marriages end in divorce 72% of all third time marriages end in divorce Of the intial 50% of first time marriages that stay together, their living in martial apathy. They're staying together because of the children, finances, the status quo. Only 13% of the other 50% are "Happyly" married. MY XW has been married to DH No.# 3 for 17 years. She's 52, she gets older, uglier, meanier and sicker with each passing year ~ but he's got her! So, I guess that makes him the "Winner" Even though he's eight years younger than her. Meanwhile "Back At The Ranch" I'm earning more than I've ever earned! I owe less than I've ever owed! I'm not laying up nights worrying where tha' Hell my wife's is? Who's she's out 'scrogging? Worrying about catching one of those "gifts" that keep on giving? Out of the child rearing business! Out of the child support business! I make the rules ~past my front door! Come and go as I please! Answer to no-one! Do as I please! When I please! As I please! Eat when I please! Fart when I please! Belch as I please! Answer the door, if I please! Answer the phone if I choose to? Sleep in if I choose to do so? Take in a stray cat or dog if it soots my fancy? Shave if it soots me? Buy what I want, when I want? Play the music I want when I want to! Watch the TV programs I want, when I want? Watch the movies I want, when I want? Retired out of the Marine Corps, with all the bennies of being on active duty and none of tha' BS? Medical, dental, commissary, no-tax PX? Go out and find a new girl friend and loving? Single life!!!!???????????????? Damned the BAD luck!!!! Hope my wife does not see this, but **** I miss those days!
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Fart when I please! LOL Gunny! And dbt, you can still do some of those on list...Dutch ovens can be alot of fun, eh! Ketey, you sound so strong! I hate to hear what your H did to you and to your family, that just sucks. LJ, excellent post!!
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