cr8sea Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 So, quick recap. Dating this guy for 2 months and we have a great time together. We get each other, we like each other's company etc. I thought we were exclusive but he informed me he wanted to keep his options open. WHen he did i told him we needed to stop having sex cuz i only did within exclusive relationships. Now i didnt say that to manipulate him in any way. He accept it but ofcourse didnt like it. even then he still loving and caring and fun to be with. Now, im thinking i want to compromise with the whole sex thing. the reason why i only do it in exclusive relationships is cuz of health and hyginic reasons. I know he isnt sleeping with anyone right now...so im thinking that we can still have sex until he decides to sleep with someone else..then we'll stop. I trust him and i know he would tell me..... Then again i feel im being naive....i mean it HAS only been two months....and what is to tell me he will tell me when he sleeps with someone else? specially if it means we would stop sleeping together? what do you guys think? am i being totally stupid?
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 You're being totally naive.. why would he tell you? really think about it. If you have safe sex with him I see no reason why you can't have sex with him.... but if the exclusivity is the issue then my bet is that you will lose him... it's that simple...he won't hang out with you that long.
Krytellan Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Then again i feel im being naive....i mean it HAS only been two months....and what is to tell me he will tell me when he sleeps with someone else? specially if it means we would stop sleeping together? what do you guys think? am i being totally stupid? Yeah, this is an interesting point. I know I'm getting old and missed out on the whole "new-age" dating rituals, but this concept makes me a little ill. Now, I have no problem dating someone who is dating other people... I would expect that and want to do the same. But the thought of dating someone (and of course having sex with someone) who is having random sex with those other people she is dating really turns my stomach. Who the hell wants to be sloppy seconds thirds or fourths??? Ewwww. Just knowing that the person I was dating was sexually active with others would shut down all interest I had for the person. I do realize that this may resign me to years, and perhaps a lifetime, of misery and unhappiness, but that thought is way more appealing than sleeping with what we used to affectionately refer to as "frat mattresses". Is having sex with multiple people at the same time considered to be normal and acceptable practice in today's dating scene? So sorry to hijack your post cr8sea, but I thought this worked well with it. In response to you, based on what I have said, I would obviously say stick to the no sex thing. You don't have to have sex with a man in order for him to decide to be exclusive with you. If you feel you need to do it to keep him, I would wish him well in his life. And keep in mind I am only speaking of exclusivity, not once that happens... then it should be a sex-fest. Just my thoughts.
Author cr8sea Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 You don't have to have sex with a man in order for him to decide to be exclusive with you. If you feel you need to do it to keep him, I would wish him well in his life. And keep in mind I am only speaking of exclusivity, not once that happens... then it should be a sex-fest. Just my thoughts. I agree with you...in fact what is making me wonder if i should do this compromise thing (date whoever you want so long as ur not sleeping with them) is that he was a bit offended that i implied he would be having multiple sex partners.... Im thinking ill bring it up tonight...or he will, as i know he might...and ill know the answer from the way he responds. Bassically, i wont be sleeping with anyone who's sleeping or open to sleeping with other people at the same time as with me.....but i really dont want to come across as manipulative either....its all just sooo tricky!
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I just can't bring myself to sleep with anyone who says they are "keeping their options open." How insulting!
oppath Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 It's not the lack of commitment that is insulting, it's that the statement essentially implies "I want to see what else is out there, and I just want to **** you and hang out with you until I find someone who is better for me than you." "I really like you but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make our relationship exclusive; I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now" may mean the same thing but the tone is different than "keep my options open." Keeping options open literally means "I want someone else but you'll do until I find that person." Perhaps this is not what the guy means, but it is what that statement means in application, so if he's just hesitant to get into a relationship -- which is fine -- he's not expressing how he feels in a tactful way. In fact, what is missing is how he feels. He's not expressing that at all, because either he feels "you aren't the one and you aren't going to be" or "I do not want a relationship at all right now because xy and z are the most important things in my life and require my focus." But if xy and z are GIRLS, well.. It is possible it is too soon for him to be exclusive, but if I were really into a girl, I would hold off on sex if she asked...for a while. Generally I will not be dating other women for a while before I'm willing to officially make things exclusive. I like that transitory period of a relationship where I'm really into the other person and NOT looking elsewhere but we aren't formalizing things yet. This usually comes after sex.
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Exclusivity is a conscious decision. He's not interested in cleaving to one person. If you're okay with having a casual relationship with him, sex or otherwise, this is your choice. If you want more from him, I think you need to find someone who has similar relationship goals. The longer you remain with him and the more you sleep with him, the more invested you will become.
spookie Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Unless you really don't care that this guy is going to leave you as soon as he meets someone new, you are going to get your heart stomped on. As oppath said, this guy has already made it clear to you that he does not want to commit to you. He will likely never change his mind. If you're ok with using each other for companionship and sex while he searches for someone he likes better, fine, have fun. But I hope you're not kidding yourself about this.
Author cr8sea Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 very scary stuff what you're all telling me.... For some reason though i feel im making him out to be more evil than he actually is..... im well aware that we are both open to see what else is out there. he says he isnt actively looking for anyone else, that he really likes how things are going between us, he likes being with me, he doesnt have anyone else etc, and that he doesnt like to be tied down unless is his decision, but its too soon for that as we've only known each other for two months. As to being offended by him saying he wants to keep his options open, isnt that what dating is about? I didnt take offense at all regarding that...it was more like...i know where i stand with him. I know we're not official despite his behavior (introducing me to all his friends as his girl, taking me with him on a weekend trip with his friends, double dating with his best friend and best friend gf) im still keeping in mind what he says and know that he might be seeing other people as well and i have the same right.... I talk to him tonight, told him i wasnt ok with the whole feeling rather gross at the thought of sleeping with someone who was also sleeping with others at the same time. He said he understood, that he doesnt want to have multiple sex partners and respected my decision. SO thats where we are at right now .I thought he would be withdrawing and backing off after i said no sex, but he didnt....so this gives me a bit of hope.... We 'll see
Author cr8sea Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 this guy has made it clear to you that he does not want to commit to you. Not exactly, he didnt say he didnt want to commit to me...he said he didnt want to rush into it.... I realized what i wrote sounded harsh...but as i said it was a quick recap (not word for word) of a two hour long conversation, where bassically he tells me he isnt ready for a relationship at this two month period of knowing me. What he did make clear is that he isnt ready for a relationship and wants us both to be open to date other people if opportunity arises, is worth the risk, etc...Ive read in several books this is actually normal.....what i dont want is sloppy seconds...and he seems to be ok with that...we will see how it all goes
shockandawed Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 cr8sea, I guess the concern I see here is that you do want to be exclusive and committed and he doesn't at this point. Not that he is evil or doing anything wrong, but you two aren't on the same page. Honestly, call me old fashioned, but I would expect someone I had been dating for two months and having sex with to be committed to me. I have had casual sex but it sounds like there is more here than that. I think if you are really into someone, being committed after two months isn't unrealistic and should be somewhat expected. I am not saying you should be running to the altar or merging bank accounts, but let's be fair. There has to be feelings now..how would you feel if you ran into him and a date out somewhere? I seriously doubt you would just be ok with it. It's not fair. I don't think you should pressure him or push him, it does sound as if he has some insecurities about keeping you. The comments he threw out are dead on signs. Trust me, I know...sounds as if he was gauging your response to see how you felt. I catch myself wanting to make the same jokes. Possibly he has had his heart stomped on and is afraid that you will break it if he commits to you. But..he is also an adult, it's not fair to pull you in and hold back his own self. My advise..cautiously continue the relationship. Don't pressure him but don't have sex. Sorry, he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it to. If he is into you and cares about you, he will truly respect your decision and not be driven away. In fact, it should draw him closer, not from a desperate or hard up point, but in realizing that you are special, have values and don't just drop for anybody. I may be somewhat like him in the fact I am scared for the first time of falling in love. I have only been going out with this one for about 3 weeks, but we haven't come close to having sex. She shows signs of being passoinate, but not just jumping in the sack. I kind of expect to wait to have sex with her until it does become somewhat defined. I am perfectly ok with that. It actually helps my insecurity to know she doesn't just have sex randomly.
nicki Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Wow, I love you guys on LS! Great character, and great advice. I wish I could find a guy who thinks like you all do. Until I do, then I am not dating any one who is sleeping with another woman while pursuing me. I don't mind casually dating a few guys at the same time, providing that none of us are sleeping with other people....that constitutes a relationship to me, and I'll also lose interest for the guy. And I think: What guy would want to date me if I was sleeping with someone else and out on a date with HIM? Wouldn't he think I might do that to him as well? I'm more loyal than that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too old fashioned, but I'm holding out for a guy who thinks the way I do. Anyway, cr8sea, what pops out at me about your post is that you seem to be making excuses for this guy. I'll bet that he knows you want to believe in him, so he will use your good nature against you for his own gain. Maybe even make you believe that's it's all your idea to stick around and sleep with him. Then when he meets another woman and drops you, he will tell you that you knew the deal. He wanted to "keep his options" open. He has rejected the idea of being in a relationship with you. Please don't settle for less by sleeping with him and hope that he will change his mind. I guess I just don't want you to rationalize his behavior to where you are compromising yourself. You CAN have a guy who will be loyal and want to be with you. Don't settle for a guy who isn't sure about you. Him not being sure should make you not sure about him.
soulseeker Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Aside from compromising yourself - which if you cave, I doubt he'd respect you. Would you respect you? ANYWAY...just please take a moment and consider STDs. Do you know, that if a guy goes for an std screening, currently, he will not be checked for HPV? Scary stuff there, and quite shocking. I just recently found this out and am quite appalled. Yes, in some ways HPV is not that big of a deal, but really, why risk it for a guy who doesnt seem like he cares much for you?
Author cr8sea Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 "keep his options" open. Ok everyone...."keep his options open" wasnt what he literally said...that's my translation of "two months is too soon to be exclusive" Also, i totally agree with you. I wouldnt date someone who is sleeping with someone else....and he has that clear....the minute he does, im out the door. We talked about it, he understands, and i know its a leap of faith...but we all know about woman's instincts...and to be honest, im not one to stay in an unhappy....well anything...(believe me, ask my past employers, boyfriends and roommates), so the minute things start to not feel right...im out. Right now, my only problem is that whole "not yet" thing, otherwise, im very happy with him....so as shockedandawed said, im going to go ahead and proceed with caution.... Thank you all for your input though, seriously, its really too bad we can be as clearheaded as we can be when we're giving other's advice or when we look in retrospective....or maybe it just takes falls to learn from them...who knows...hopefully my gut is right about him...if not...ha well, i guess ill learn to listen better.
fray718 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 If he is into you and cares about you, he will truly respect your decision and not be driven away. In fact, it should draw him closer, not from a desperate or hard up point, but in realizing that you are special, have values and don't just drop for anybody. So true, and esp in your case since you already told him that u only have sex with guys if its exclusive. If you take it back now I can gurantee he will lose all respect for you. Be strong. Dating him is ok but stop all forms of sex. Please listen to all of us on this one. I can feel you are sort of in denial. But please just believe us when we say you shouldnt have sex with this guy. We are trying to help you. I've been in your situation before and I gave in to the guy, he lost respect for me and i lost it all for myself.....I dont want you to experince what i experienced...
squeak Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 What he did make clear is that he isnt ready for a relationship and wants us both to be open to date other people if opportunity arises, is worth the risk, etc...Ive read in several books this is actually normal. That is normal if you 2 had not been physically intimate. At this stage, it is going to hurt you, either going along or walking away. I have 3 indisputable rules: 1)If your BF breaks up with you out of the blue or unprovoked, just leave. When the guy breaks up it is really over. It means his heart has went elsewhere and is unsalvageable. No begging, no second chances if he changes his mind and wants you back. 2) If he acquires a new female friend during your relationship or rekindles a friendship with an ex, be worried. Very worried. 3) (this one applies to you) If he does a "reverse gear" and demotes you...just leave. (this applies to: - being engaged and he calls off the engagement to go back to regular dating -telling you he wants to keep his options open after you made yourself vulnerable(your situation) -deciding he does not want to not live together anymore but wants to continue being normal BF/GF This will never work. There is the way you want things to be, and the way things are. Once you are demoted, if you stick around it will not get better. I know you won't listen, I can see you don't want to believe it. Accepting it means accepting rejection. Hang around and you'll just be there for when he meets another girl, that he basically told you he wanted to meet. Now you are just along for the ride. I know you don't want to hear this, but ....the burden and pain of going along will all be on you.
Author cr8sea Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 I agree with all of you about the whole sex thing...if i give in after saying i wouldnt unless we are exclusive, he will definitely never respect me.... Squeak...he didnt demote me....we had never agreed we were exclusive...i just assumed we were since the only other "real" relationship ive had was back in high school were dating meant you were immediately exclusive. It wasnt until i said something about me being his gf and saw his ."...uhh what?" face that I realized we werent boyfriend and girlfriend and had this whole conversation regarding being too soon to be in a serious relationship. But anyway this whole no sex thing is going to be extremely hard, since im a very sexual person...im denying myself as much as im denying him...but its all for the best i guess....
fray718 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I agree with all of you about the whole sex thing...if i give in after saying i wouldnt unless we are exclusive, he will definitely never respect me.... I'm very happy to hear you say this, keep it up girl!!! back in high school were dating meant you were immediately exclusive. I really miss those high school days when things were so much more simple But anyway this whole no sex thing is going to be extremely hard, since im a very sexual person...im denying myself as much as im denying him...but its all for the best i guess I'm a very sexual person too....but don't give in no matter what!! Be strong!! Everytime I feel weak I just think that holding it off will be better for me in the long run..remeber u want both him and yourself to respect you!! Stay strong!!
Author cr8sea Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 the hardest part is how do you go back to "no, im not sleeping with you" when you already had said yes??? thats sooo difficult! i know its gonna take a ridiculous amount of discipline and....god knows what...for me to do it....I know he wont push it....he didnt at the beginning nor has it push it since i said no last week....but ive been soooo close to say lets just do it....god this is ridiculous!
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