brightskies Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Long post warning .... Part A --- an ailing long distance relationship with ML, a.k.a. hiatus BF. Part B ---- budding friendship with new guy. Part C --- harassment from nightmare ex-BF. Part A: Current relationship with ML, which used to be so good, has become rockier on account of the long distance and pressure to adhere to agreed-upon terms. In the earliest stages of our relationship I made it clear that I didn’t want to date anyone with very close female friends, because of problems that they caused in previous relationships. I made sure that he understood how important this was to me, and that he was free to go if he thought it wasn’t a reasonable idea. He said that he was fine with that. However, as time went on, and we became more emotionally involved, about a year into the relationship he decided that he’d like to backtrack and that he wasn’t ok with the terms after all. I feel like I’ve been misled, duped, that he’d been lying to me. He admits that he probably said what he said because he wanted me for himself. Which is fine for him, but now that we’re involved it makes it a lot more difficult for either of us to leave the relationship. If he had been straight about this to begin with, I would’ve move on with no problem. With things getting so tiresome with the arguments and stress, we’re taking a hiatus now, which, by the way, is starting to look like a prelude to a breakup. It’s not working to repair anything; we’re becoming more distant with each other. As for Part B, hiatus BF had been encouraging me for a long time to make new male friends to prove his point that yes, men and women can be platonically friendly without any emotional or physical entanglements –-- I realize that everyone has different opinions on this matter so let’s not argue this point here. Anyway, my feeling is, he had an ulterior motive for pushing me in this direction, as he has a specific, very close, woman friend whom he’d like to keep in his life. I resisted for a long time, thinking it was a bad idea, that I was content with having casual male friends with whom I wasn’t very close. In any case, hiatus BF got what he wanted: a new student at school started coming over to my building and being friendly. New friend is very similar to hiatus BF in age, thinking, and personality. We connected immediately, get along very well and have a lot of interests and characteristics in common. We’d spend some time together, talking, watching movies, all very innocent. Then what do you know, new friend started expressing non-platonic interest; he would drop heavy hints, very flirtatious banter, trying to hold my hand, even asking me out. I haven’t hidden anything from current BF. In fact, I’ve been trying to tell him that he’s shooting himself in the foot. New friend is also aware about hiatus BF. I haven’t hidden anything from either of them, and new friend is starting to look more and more interesting to my conflicting dismay and curiosity. Part C: the nightmare ex won’t leave me alone. He was probably the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life. It was one of those insane, passionate, soul-crushing roller-coasters that are impossible to forget. Think of a maelstrom: all-consuming, beautiful, and horrifying, all at once. There’s no way I would go back to him and I wish he’d just disappear. I’m on the verge of changing my phone number --- but this is ridiculous, why should I have to change my number because he’s being retarded? It's my work and personal number, which I've had for ages, and changing it would be a mess. He emails, he calls, and he won’t stop even though I’ve tried to ignore, reason with, plead with, insult, and threaten him. It’s getting on my nerves and I’d just like to put that chapter behind me. Every time he pops up I become edgy and irritable. Hiatus BF says just ignore him, but the ex won’t stop. We broke up over two years ago and he won’t go away. I’ve moved states, he moved away to a different continent and then back, and he still keeps attempting contact. I’ve asked the phone company if I could block his number, they say not possible. I’ve blocked him on instant messenger and email. More than the nuisance of being harassed, I hate the emotional sting of having to remember things that I’d rather forget each time he initiates contact. He was doing this even though, a long ago, he promised to leave me alone. He was doing this even though he was dating someone else. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve asked hiatus BF to please say or do something. What a headache. Please help. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
roxy_1980 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Okay, let's see.... Problem A: Some people can handle platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex and some can't. Your boyfriend is probably in the first category and well, you're definitely in the second. Your basically treating your boyfriend like a criminal when he hasn't done anything wrong really. He hasn't cheated on you. He is not any of your exes and should not have to suffer for that. I mean come on he's not even allowed to be friends with co-workers or anything, just because they are female? That's a little irrational. You can't just demand someone both cut out friends in their life and not socialize at all with half of the world's population. Problem B: So you know that you are bad at remaining platonic with guys, so when your BF tells you to make friends you go out and find someone similar to him to make contact with. Trying to be right much? Don't you think that maybe you were just trying to prove him wrong so that you could try to force him to stop talking with other women. As for New student, stop messing with this guy head by using him as a pawn in your battle with your BF. It's just mean. Problem C: Get a restraining order.
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Problems A and B. Stop. Just stop. You need a break and you need to stop throwing men into the hole. Just take a break from both of them and it will become very clear. Neither one of them sound like a prize. A is evasive and B is sneaky. As for C....stop answering your phone. He WILL get bored and go away but you have to stop: pleading, threatening and responding to his calls.
Author brightskies Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Hi Roxy, Thanks for the input. As mentioned, I realize everyone differs on this point. I haven't been treating him like a criminal, and he's welcome to have casual female friends. His other female friends don't bother me, and I'm cool with them. His part-time roommate is female, and I'm fine with that. The sticking point is his supposed "best female friend" --- this one woman is someone he would kiss on the mouth (although he insists it's platonic), she'd stay over even when it's just the 2 of them, she's been a HUGE inflence on his life and something's just odd about it. He even had her decorate his house and her taste is, well, wanting. What's really irksome is that I feel like he lied to me about this, even though I made it clear from the start. What's up with that? He even repeatedly lied about meeting up with this woman friend. As for Part B, you might have a point there, if I step back and think about it. For the record though, new student is fully aware of the situation. There's a saying, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" I wonder sometimes. Part C, hiatus BF gave the ex a call. Hopefully, he'll quit now. Okay, let's see.... Problem A: Some people can handle platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex and some can't. Your boyfriend is probably in the first category and well, you're definitely in the second. Your basically treating your boyfriend like a criminal when he hasn't done anything wrong really. He hasn't cheated on you. He is not any of your exes and should not have to suffer for that. I mean come on he's not even allowed to be friends with co-workers or anything, just because they are female? That's a little irrational. You can't just demand someone both cut out friends in their life and not socialize at all with half of the world's population. Problem B: So you know that you are bad at remaining platonic with guys, so when your BF tells you to make friends you go out and find someone similar to him to make contact with. Trying to be right much? Don't you think that maybe you were just trying to prove him wrong so that you could try to force him to stop talking with other women. As for New student, stop messing with this guy head by using him as a pawn in your battle with your BF. It's just mean. Problem C: Get a restraining order.
Author brightskies Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Hi Jcster, Love your little hedgehog! Is he yours? Funny that you mention that. I was just thinking, "yeah, wouldn't it be nice to be single again for a while?" Sorry to be so dense, but what do you mean by "throwing men into the hole"? Do you mean stop being such a misogynistic b*tch and feeding men to the dogs or stop trying to fill an emotional void with men, or both? I really don't think I'm terribly mean, but maybe I'm not being very objective right now. "A is evasive" --- please clarify? "B is sneaky." Well, it makes me think twice about him. Is pursuing somebody in a relationship, even if it's on "break," kosher? Granted, he got friendly before thinks started going downhill. But if a relationship is really strong, shouldn't it be able to withstand even outside factors? As for Mr. C, a just gave him a call last night. Maybe he'll finally quit. He usually called on restricted number, as other friends sometimes do. I hope you're right and he just moves on to bother someone else. Problems A and B. Stop. Just stop. You need a break and you need to stop throwing men into the hole. Just take a break from both of them and it will become very clear. Neither one of them sound like a prize. A is evasive and B is sneaky. As for C....stop answering your phone. He WILL get bored and go away but you have to stop: pleading, threatening and responding to his calls.
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Hi Brightskies..sadly, no the hedgehog isn't mine. They're illegal in California. "throwing men into the hole"? Do you mean stop being such a misogynistic b*tch and feeding men to the dogs or stop trying to fill an emotional void with men, or both? I meant using them to fill a void in your life. It's usually a bit of a red flag to me when I see someone with 2 guys in their life and they are both giving them trouble. It tells me that maybe you have them around for other reasons than their company. When I said guy A was "evasive" I meant that he evaded the issue of his female friends and told you what you wanted to hear. Guy B is sneaky because he came to you under the pretext of friendship and is trying to wiggle into a relationship. Neither of these guys has been very truthful to you. I personally would start looking closely at their actions and ignoring what they say, because you can't really trust it.
roxy_1980 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Yes he shouldn't have lied to you, but giving up friends, especially "best friends", can be really tough. Kissing, if it's only a peck, is considered platonic. Think about plenty of extended families peck on the mouth, there's nothing sexual there. As for the other stuff, let me tell you about one of my male friends who is a completely platonic friend: I've known W since I was ten. We too have had a huge influence on each others lives (I just recently helped him sort through a career change). We hug, dance and yes, sometimes peck hello. We have both stayed at each others apartments when visiting and drunk. We call each other when we have a bad day. We used to send each other Valentine's Day baskets if one of were single. Now, we each have very important people in our lives. I've never been sexually interested in W. Never will. Yes, we both had jealous bfs/gfs because they thought the way you do, but they didn't last. What jealousy in a people shows is really ugly and eventually deteriorates the relationship, not the friendship. Our currents are fine with the friendship, but it took a long time to find those people. Course, we never said we'd drop the friendship for them.
Author brightskies Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Hi Jcster, Thanks for pointing that out. And here I was thinking that I had worked out all this stuff after my last relationship. You're probably right, some personal distance will help with perspective. I'm actually home sick this week, and can't meet up with anyone, so that helps me think a bit. They haven't been 100% upfront, but I somehow still believe that they're really good people. Everyone has an agenda, right? Maybe I'm the one screwing up here. Maybe, as Roxy suggested, I'm consciously or subconsciously playing them off each other. Don't know why though. Why is owning a hedgehogs illegal? They don't seem particularly aggressive or endangered. Hi Brightskies..sadly, no the hedgehog isn't mine. They're illegal in California. I meant using them to fill a void in your life. It's usually a bit of a red flag to me when I see someone with 2 guys in their life and they are both giving them trouble. It tells me that maybe you have them around for other reasons than their company. When I said guy A was "evasive" I meant that he evaded the issue of his female friends and told you what you wanted to hear. Guy B is sneaky because he came to you under the pretext of friendship and is trying to wiggle into a relationship. Neither of these guys has been very truthful to you. I personally would start looking closely at their actions and ignoring what they say, because you can't really trust it.
Author brightskies Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Hi Roxy, It's great that you can relate to men like that. And I completely respect that a person has certain attachments that he'd like to keep. It's just so frustrating to be blindsided like the way A has done when I tried to be upfront with him to start. Now it's all confused and messed up because we're both emotionally involved. It's not so easy to just walk away anymore on account of irreconcilable differences. Some people can and do have opposite sex best friends. Personally, I prefer to have my partner as my opposite sex best friend. Surely there're men out there who think similarly? I just haven't had much luck finding one. How come you never considered dating your friend, W? It sounds like you two connect really well. You have the kind of friendship that would make an awesome couple-relationship. Just throw in some romantic affection and voila! Is it because you don't find him physically attractive? But that's kind of a moot point, because I've found that even if one isn't attracted, the other usually is -- by personality if not looks. How do you know that he doesn't harbor feelings for you? Has he never, not once, expressed some kind of more-than-friends interest? With the kind of closeness that you two have, it would seem really difficult to be completely platonic. Not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to understand the dynamic, since I haven't had any personal examples myself. How long did it take you to find your ideal partner? Yes he shouldn't have lied to you, but giving up friends, especially "best friends", can be really tough. Kissing, if it's only a peck, is considered platonic. Think about plenty of extended families peck on the mouth, there's nothing sexual there. As for the other stuff, let me tell you about one of my male friends who is a completely platonic friend: I've known W since I was ten. We too have had a huge influence on each others lives (I just recently helped him sort through a career change). We hug, dance and yes, sometimes peck hello. We have both stayed at each others apartments when visiting and drunk. We call each other when we have a bad day. We used to send each other Valentine's Day baskets if one of were single. Now, we each have very important people in our lives. I've never been sexually interested in W. Never will. Yes, we both had jealous bfs/gfs because they thought the way you do, but they didn't last. What jealousy in a people shows is really ugly and eventually deteriorates the relationship, not the friendship. Our currents are fine with the friendship, but it took a long time to find those people. Course, we never said we'd drop the friendship for them.
roxy_1980 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Well, I think it has to do with the fact that we were friends since we were kids. It would be like dating my brother, just weird! We're both reasonably attractive people, but I don't know, maybe the pheromones are off or something. I've actually had many people tell me what you did, but it's just such a ludicris idea in my mind, I usually just laugh it off. We've never made sexual advances or overtones to our friendship. The chemistry just isn't there. As for T (my ideal partner as you call him), I met him last year (I was 25). He wasn't easy to find though, moved 1500 miles from home and there he was. (Perhaps the jealousy thing was localized to my hometown...LOL) At first he thought our friendship was a little strange (although he wasn't jealous persay), till he met W about 3 months after we got together. He basically saw that I treat W like any of my other friends. I think it may have to do with that T is older than I am (4 years older) and has gotten to the point in his life when jealousy is replaced with trust. Have you spend any time around this girl? If not, maybe if you saw the interaction between them it would ease your mind a little. As for the "my partner should be my best friend" theory, well, I consider T a very close friend. We were friends first. But we just don't have the history like some of my other friends, so I wouldn't describe him as my "best friend". I love him and he is my first priority and he knows that, but I need my friends too, I had them a long time and they are very important. I know you're hurt that he lied to you. He shouldn't have promised something he had no intention of keeping, but you also shouldn't have put him in that position. Try to remember that he's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to balance out life with you and life with his friends. He probably didn't know how else to resolve it.
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