Confused85 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Hello all, I need advice, my boyfriend is going through alot right now, he does not have a job and I have been helping him, and now something big is due, and he expects me to pay for it, and I told him I can't so hes blaming everything on me! Why is he blaming everything on me? He told me I remind me of his parents when I am just trying to tell him things and explain life Hes been talking about me, and talking about me. And been really hurting my feelings, by telling me the things that he is telling me. He is blaming me for not being able to pay his own bills...I can only do so much so why is he blaming me and talking about me like a dog, why would he do that? And why is he telling me I remind me of his parents (which isnt a bad thing, he doesnt like his parents lecturing him because he said hes a man)..help
roxy_1980 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Your boyfriend most likely suffers from entilement issues. He thinks that everything should be handed to him and not have to work hard for it. I see it alot in people of my generation (I'm 26). People who live at home till they are 30 or older cause they just can't deal with the fact that they don't have what their parents do. People who think that maxing out their credit cards and never paying them off is okay. People who have no idea how to manage their money in a responsible way, get evicted or whatever and blame others for their being on the streets. People who take absolutely no responsiblility for their own lives. These people can't be talked to into taking responsibility for their own lives. I've found that the only thing that works is cutting them loose from financial support and letting them sink or swim on their own. I know it's tough, but it's better for him in the long run.
Krytellan Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I'm not sure what you think any of us can say to help. I think you already realize he's acting inappropriately and the fact that he's blaming you and making you feel bad is disrespectful and immature. He can't get a job and pay bills. These are the implications as you present them. Are these the qualities you long for in a boyfriend? You want to change him? Good luck changing him. Save the energy that you will waste on trying to figure out why he's acting this way and apply it to enjoying single life and waiting for someone who doesn't act this was to stroll through your life.
jcster Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 There was a study done some years ago in which researchers, wanting to study a population of chimpanzees, started dropping food in a small area in order to keep the foraging population close by. What happened? The chimpanzees stopped foraging and started spending all of their time in the drop zone, fighting with each other and ignoring their children. You've helped him out too much. He now feels entitled to your help. He's dependent on it to the extent of disrespect. You will need to cut him off, but if you do that, it's certain that your relationship is over. It's going to take him a while to learn to take care of himself again...or....maybe he'll just find another susceptible woman to take care of him.
Author Confused85 Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Your boyfriend most likely suffers from entilement issues. He thinks that everything should be handed to him and not have to work hard for it. I see it alot in people of my generation (I'm 26). People who live at home till they are 30 or older cause they just can't deal with the fact that they don't have what their parents do. People who think that maxing out their credit cards and never paying them off is okay. People who have no idea how to manage their money in a responsible way, get evicted or whatever and blame others for their being on the streets. People who take absolutely no responsiblility for their own lives. These people can't be talked to into taking responsibility for their own lives. I've found that the only thing that works is cutting them loose from financial support and letting them sink or swim on their own. I know it's tough, but it's better for him in the long run. Hes 28 and Im 24......so is he using me?
Author Confused85 Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 I'm not sure what you think any of us can say to help. I think you already realize he's acting inappropriately and the fact that he's blaming you and making you feel bad is disrespectful and immature. He can't get a job and pay bills. These are the implications as you present them. Are these the qualities you long for in a boyfriend? You want to change him? Good luck changing him. Save the energy that you will waste on trying to figure out why he's acting this way and apply it to enjoying single life and waiting for someone who doesn't act this was to stroll through your life. Well I love him so much, even though alot of people say he doesnt love me the same..I dont want to change him i love him just the way he is, no job and etc, i still want to be with him, (thats what happenned with his ex, she kept asking things frm him, and he told me he just couldnt give her what she wanted so hes with me because I dont do that)
Author Confused85 Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 There was a study done some years ago in which researchers, wanting to study a population of chimpanzees, started dropping food in a small area in order to keep the foraging population close by. What happened? The chimpanzees stopped foraging and started spending all of their time in the drop zone, fighting with each other and ignoring their children. You've helped him out too much. He now feels entitled to your help. He's dependent on it to the extent of disrespect. You will need to cut him off, but if you do that, it's certain that your relationship is over. It's going to take him a while to learn to take care of himself again...or....maybe he'll just find another susceptible woman to take care of him. So youre saying if I tell him no, the relationship is over? So doesnt that mean he really doesnt love me (that is the same thing my friend said!!! she said that he loves that he can tell me what to do, and that most of the time I do it, or that I give him alot ) So isnt that using?
roxy_1980 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Hes 28 and Im 24......so is he using me? If he were only taking money, I'd say maybe. But he's making you feel guilty and talking poorly about you when you don't give him money, so I'd say YES. He's not just accepting help, he's EXPECTING HELP now. You need to cut him loose financially. If the relationship lasts through that, then great, but you needs to stand on his own feet. It may last, it may not, but you can't just let him DEMAND money from you all the time.
kymberann Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 He IS expecting too much of you and when he does not get what her expect he is using you to blame for his problems! Don' be his scape goat! If he is doing this now, he will do this if you continue a R with him. It's good to see it now to see what to expect from him in the future. Best, Kim
fatal2myself Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 If he were only taking money, I'd say maybe. But he's making you feel guilty and talking poorly about you when you don't give him money, so I'd say YES. He's not just accepting help, he's EXPECTING HELP now. You need to cut him loose financially. If the relationship lasts through that, then great, but you needs to stand on his own feet. It may last, it may not, but you can't just let him DEMAND money from you all the time. i agree with that one ^ somewhat. ok maybe a lot, but that doesn't mean anything! people don't like to admit that they are the cause of their own problems. it's always someone else's fault. they made me hurry, so i locked my keys in the car. i had to pay the electric, so i couldn't make the car payment. or somewhere along those lines. if you can get him to see this, all the more power to ya! but sometimes it's takes the school of hard knocks to see it for yourself. don't hold it against him if he needs some hands on learning! personally, i would tell him that, no matter what you're there for him, but you can't keep holding him up when he wont admit that he is the cause of his own problems, not you. and to call you anytime that he needs someone to talk to or wants to have some fun(in other ways than the bed room!) but you just can't afford to pay his bills any more. make it very clear that you're NOT abandoning him, just giving him some room to figure out his life.
Author Confused85 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 If he were only taking money, I'd say maybe. But he's making you feel guilty and talking poorly about you when you don't give him money, so I'd say YES. He's not just accepting help, he's EXPECTING HELP now. You need to cut him loose financially. If the relationship lasts through that, then great, but you needs to stand on his own feet. It may last, it may not, but you can't just let him DEMAND money from you all the time. So you think hes using me? Yeah he does expect help, and its like he blows up at me, when he does not have any. Another thing that he does, he is sad all with me, but when he is with his friends, he is happy, why does he do that? Why doe she put on a mask to them and then with me, its all sad, angry and all thats stuff?
chrisy484 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Girl, don't fall for the sympathy act. Men try to put this on you to make you feel bad or to keep them around. He's an adult, he should be able to get off of his butt and go find himself a job. Don't let him make you feel that you are a bad person, because you're not, you have been kind and there for him for the other bills that he had due and whatever else you did for him. I've been through something like your situation and it's not healthy for you, he is going through allot right now and he will try to bring you down with him emotionally. I'm going to leave you with a quote. "If someone is going to love you, they are going to love you no matter what you do for them. If they aren't going to love you, they aren't going to love you no matter how much you do for them." Good Luck
huh Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 You've already gotten some good advice here, but here are a couple of questions to ask yourself to help clarify what's going on in your relationship: 1) Is he making any sort of effort to find a job or earn money? Or is he just sitting around the house/hanging out with his friends? Back while I was doing online dating (I'm taking a break from it), I met a couple of guys who didn't have a job at the moment. One was actively working on getting another one and doing temp work in the meantime. He didn't have romantic feelings for me, but if he had, I would've been willing to date him because he was at least making an effort. The other wasn't as active & was asking me questions about home ownership & if my car was paid off on the first date! Needless to say, there wasn't a 2nd date. 2) Does he ever thank you for all that you're doing for him? If anyone (male or female) is helping out a boyfriend/girlfriend by paying their bills while they're out of work, that goes above & beyond normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and should be appreciated accordingly. You've been generous & accomodating to him. If he doesn't appreciate it and only complains that you can't pay for everything, he is using you. At 24, you should be able to go on vacations with your friends and enjoy your life. Not supporting some ungrateful user who gives you a hard time and badmouths you to other people. Is he living with you? I know it's hard to be alone, but there are guys out there who will appreciate you as more than a wallet/meal ticket. You deserve better.
roxy_1980 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Another thing that he does, he is sad all with me, but when he is with his friends, he is happy, why does he do that? Why doe she put on a mask to them and then with me, its all sad, angry and all thats stuff? I think maybe he's trying to mediate his mood around you in order to manipulate you to support him more. If he acts all sad around you maybe he thinks that you will give in more easily. If you told him that you can no longer afford to help him anymore financially, but will continue to support him emotionally, what do you think would be his reaction? That reaction is the true reflection of the depth of your relationship with him.
fatal2myself Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Why does he put on a mask to them and then with me, its all sad, angry and all thats stuff? because he TRUSTS you! it ay not seem like a good thing, but he knows he can trust you to not turn away when he needs you, where his friends would prolly jus call hi a buzz-kill and walk off with out him! yes, he's expecting WAY too much. so cut back a little, and evn though it's really super uber hard, sit there and don't look away from his eyes when he yells at you for not helping him. when he's done, reply simply with, "i'm not ur personal piggy bank. i'd like to help, but i can't keep giving you money. i'll be here when you need someone to talk to." he'll prolly scream kick and yell like a little baby, but he's a guy! a girl can't expect much more!
jcster Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well I love him so much, even though alot of people say he doesnt love me the same. Listen to those people. This guy is using you for his personal piggy bank, and giving you nothing but grief in return. That's not love, and you don't need him. Tell him to take a hike.
JCD Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 A guy who loves you and wants best for you would be working to support you and not the other way around.
Author Confused85 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 You've already gotten some good advice here, but here are a couple of questions to ask yourself to help clarify what's going on in your relationship: 1) Is he making any sort of effort to find a job or earn money? Or is he just sitting around the house/hanging out with his friends? Back while I was doing online dating (I'm taking a break from it), I met a couple of guys who didn't have a job at the moment. One was actively working on getting another one and doing temp work in the meantime. He didn't have romantic feelings for me, but if he had, I would've been willing to date him because he was at least making an effort. The other wasn't as active & was asking me questions about home ownership & if my car was paid off on the first date! Needless to say, there wasn't a 2nd date. 2) Does he ever thank you for all that you're doing for him? If anyone (male or female) is helping out a boyfriend/girlfriend by paying their bills while they're out of work, that goes above & beyond normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and should be appreciated accordingly. You've been generous & accomodating to him. If he doesn't appreciate it and only complains that you can't pay for everything, he is using you.. He always says thank you and how much he appreciates me.. At 24, you should be able to go on vacations with your friends and enjoy your life. Not supporting some ungrateful user who gives you a hard time and badmouths you to other people. Is he living with you? I know it's hard to be alone, but there are guys out there who will appreciate you as more than a wallet/meal ticket. You deserve better. He doesnt badmouth me to other people, no we are not living together.
Author Confused85 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 because he TRUSTS you! it ay not seem like a good thing, but he knows he can trust you to not turn away when he needs you, where his friends would prolly jus call hi a buzz-kill and walk off with out him! He trusts me? So thats why he can flip his sad/happy switch like that? And ive noticed when he is sad, or something is wrong, he hangs out with people alot and he gets on the internet with all of his friends.Why does he do that?
Author Confused85 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Listen to those people. This guy is using you for his personal piggy bank, and giving you nothing but grief in return. That's not love, and you don't need him. Tell him to take a hike. Well they only tell me that because they said I made him be with me, at first he didnt like me, and i stuck on him....but i just think he took more time than me, friends say its seasonal but i say its forever.... My friend told me that he doesnt "like people like that" that he uses people for his own purposes ...im confused about that as welll
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