melindakelly1979 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Lurker here for about a month finally decided to post. My story is my H and I have been married six years next month. No kids. A little over 2 years ago H had an emotional affair with a co worker at his 2nd job. She was married too. I had my suspicions but couldn't prove anything until she left a voicemail his phone that I listened to before he got to it. Before discovering the "affair" was one of the worst things I've been thru. I had felt like I was going crazy thinking H was up to something and questioning him about it and all the pieces of the puzzle not making sense (because he was lying to cover his tracks). Long story short I found out, he quit that job and has had no contact with OW for the last two years. We went to counseling for a year and decided to work things out. I still have some trust issues with him but nothing major. Since I found out I've never caught him in another lie, nor has he tried to contact the OW or have any innapropriate relationships with other women, but then again the only women he works with are 20-30 years older than him. The OW was younger than him (but older than me), somewhat cute, but she was very needy and my H likes to feel wanted and help people so he is attracted to needy women (i'm independent but sometimes I am emotionally needy, in fact when we met I'd just lost a close friend in a car accident and I was very depressed and he was a great strength and good to talk to) Anyhow the problem is that my H's boss has asked me to help her find a part time secretary. I work for a state employment agency and finding qualified workers is what I do for a living. So I found some candiates and H's boss has narrowed it down to three people. I've talked at length with all three of these individuals as well as checked their references so I have information to share with H's boss. Two of the women are older with a lot of work experience and are looking for part time work. One needed a lot of time off work so she's not a leading candidate. the third is a girl who is 26 with three kids. She is collecting welfare and working in my office part time. She is a hard worker although she hasnt' worked in 2 years (been on welfare) The kids have different fathers and her one child has health problems. She's had a tough life. However my concerns are that this girl is drop dead gorgeous. she is this tall skinny beautiful blonde (the exact opposite of little redheaded me) She is stunning. she is also very needy and has had such a tough life that I can see my H being drawn to her. If she is hired there he will probably have a lot of interaction with her (lunches and can stop in the office to chat with her if he likes.) It is a small business and five men and two owners (woman and her husband) work there. So five men all under age 35 and one gorgeous woman for them to stare out and flirt with all day. MY H is the only one (besides his two bosses) who is married. My concern isnt' with this woman, its with my H. I'm just afraid that the whole emotional affair thing might start all over without him even realizing it (he didn't realize he crossed the line with the last OW at first because nothing physical had happened but they were talking every day (and hiding that from me) about her problems and stuff) Also this girl has the same name as H's OW so that is weird because its not a common name. Its a small office so everyone is very friendly with everyone else. I haven't had any concerns with my H lately but the thought they might hire this woman gives me anxiety attacks. I don't ever want to go through what I went through the last time. Lately I've been having dreams (three nights in a row) that my H and I are together and I can't get his attention, that he's talking to another woman or hugging another woman right in front of me and that I'm trying to get him to pay attention to me and he just ignores me and is smiling talking to someone else. I've talked to him about this situation and he says I"m overreacting, that he wouldn't be interested in a woman with three kids. Am I over reacting or is this legitimate?
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 the third is a girl who is 26 with three kids. She is collecting welfare and working in my office part time. She is a hard worker although she hasnt' worked in 2 years (been on welfare) The kids have different fathers and her one child has health problems. She's had a tough life. Your H isn't stupid enough to get involved with her. And, even if something does happen, he decides to cheat, that's his choice, you don't have any control over that. BUT, you CAN make it clear to him that if he chooses to cheat again, whether it be an emotional affair or a physical affair, you will divorce him as he's used up his second chance already after cheating on you once before. Your H shouldn't be telling you you're overreacting because it was HIM who has put you in a this state to begin with. He has to understand that and also show you (both inaction and in words) that you have nothing to worry about if he does hire that girl. Give him a chance to prove to you that he CAN infact work with a woman who is goodlooking, younger and full of problems, without having to try to save her, or get too attached. He's a grown man, not a child, so I would hope he has enough self control seeing as HE will be her boss.
Lynna Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 You are still dealing with trust issues and that is something that will take a long time to get over. Are you still in therapy? I would definitely talk this over with the therapist. I would also talk it over with your husband. Tell him your fears and how it is affecting you. Give him the chance to reassure you. This will remind him that he has to be very careful still, it will remind him that you still need him to help you rebuild your trust. It will show him that YOU need him.
Author melindakelly1979 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Thanks for the support. Actually my H won't be her boss, sorry I know that was long and confusing but my H will work with her and they will have the same boss. I know that if she does work there I will make it perfectly clear to my H that I won't tolerate any innapropriate behavior. I guess I am just insecure because of the past and don't like temptation thrown in his face for fear of a repeat.
justice Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 If you have misgivings about it, don't do it. Listen to your gut intuition its usually right. Hire some older woman and don't worry so much because she isn't younger and more prone to steal away your spouse.
lostboy60645 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Just like in real estate, it's the first three things that seem to be best for a healthy relationship--communication, communication, communication. My vote is to talk about your fears with him. I have a different but related question: Should a husband tell his wife that he has the same concern? i.e. he has a new young, troubled colleague that he's triggered by sexually and he just wants to 'disclose the secret' to his wife and announce his action plans to avoid a problem with the co-worker. What does that look like in the scheme of things if he communicates with that type of honesty? This is definitely a place of disconnect for me. I know that there is such thing as good boundaries and there are issues that may be better discussed with a therapist to help us imperfect spouses convey important messages constructively and honestly. Any thoughts anyone? Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
jmargel Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 It's like dealing with an alcoholic.. You can't cure him by keeping him away from booze. He has to WANT to not start drinking again. Consider this a test.. If he's going to flirt with this woman and start an emotional affair with her, then he would with someone else down the road. You also have to look at the attention you two are giving each other..
East of Jupiter Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I take a different tact. Why put yourself through the agony? Honey there is nothing wrong with self-preservation. You have instincts about this woman based on her history and I bet you are right. I would hire the older woman regardless if she is as qualified. They are usually more reliable than younger employees and they have a harder time getting hired due to their age. I also advocate for the disabled. From your description, this young woman will get hired wherever she goes. The attractive people have less trouble getting employment. That's a fact. That's also been my experience. I could screen three qualified women and my boss would always hire the thinner or more attractive one. Having said that ... yes you need to address your trust issues and I totally agree with the others, you can't control your husband. He will cheat no matter what. This may be a good time to address this with him honestly. It tends to bring you closer when you can show vulnerability to him and he can have a chance to support you. These are the moments that add up to trust in the future. Good luck to you.
East of Jupiter Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Just like in real estate, it's the first three things that seem to be best for a healthy relationship--communication, communication, communication. My vote is to talk about your fears with him. I have a different but related question: Should a husband tell his wife that he has the same concern? i.e. he has a new young, troubled colleague that he's triggered by sexually and he just wants to 'disclose the secret' to his wife and announce his action plans to avoid a problem with the co-worker. What does that look like in the scheme of things if he communicates with that type of honesty? This is definitely a place of disconnect for me. I know that there is such thing as good boundaries and there are issues that may be better discussed with a therapist to help us imperfect spouses convey important messages constructively and honestly. Any thoughts anyone? Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com Great question. I'm not sure except that I think once you open your mouth and let it out, it loses steam. An attraction in your head is a less more powerful when repeated through your wife's lips. How about the other way around? What if it is the wife that has a hot stud in the office? Does she tell her husband? The point is not that the coworker is attractive (sheesh am I living this now?) it is that your spouse is attracted to that person. The point isn't that they are attracted to someone else ( I for one expect that as a normal human reaction) but what they do with that attraction. So why tell the spouse? That to me is the question.
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