SNJoe Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 This is my first time posting and I would appreciate any input from both men and women. I was divorced in April after being married 17 years to a woman whom cheated on me several times during the last six years of our marriage. I met a wonderful woman whose divorce will be final in September and was separated in November of last year (married 18 years). She left her husband because he ignored her, never showed any affection, and from what I observed mentally abused her. I had been on a couple of dates after my divorce and when I met her and after we went out a few times, I knew that I had met someone I could really fall for. Before too long we fell in love and were taking weekend trips together. We were happy to just sit with each other and talk for hours. She was everything I have looked for in a relationship and I know that she felt the same way about me. It was amazing how well we fit together. The closer we became, I noticed that something was really bothering her. She told me that she was raised Catholic and when she left her husband, the church disowned her. She said that divorce was only permissible if a partner had cheated. I also noticed that as we started seeing more of each other, her husband was calling her more and more. She has two teenage boys and when she started dating me, she never hid the fact from her boys or husband. Like me she had dated a couple of times before she met me. We would talk for hours about what was bothering her and on one of our last talks she told me that she thought that she would burn in hell for not honoring her wedding vows. She said she had always wondered if she had done all she could have done to save her marriage. She thought meeting me had perhaps clouded her decision on if she had done all she could have done. This surprised me because even though I knew that she was spiritual, I didn’t think she would believe this. Looking back it was obvious her husband was again mentally messing with her. We thought that to deal with this when she went to pick up her kids, she should talk to her husband and tell him the things that she regretted in their marriage and perhaps she could move on. After her talk with him, she called me crying saying that they had decided to attend counseling and see if they had done all they could do. I told her I loved her and that she should do what made her happy. I told her I would never call her again but if things did not work out, I would wait for her. She told me how much she loved me and we hung up. That was eight days ago and I haven’t heard from her since that day. I did talk to one of our mutual friends a few days ago and she told me she was a mess worrying about me. Our friend asked her if she loved her husband and she put her head down and said no. At this time she hasn’t moved back in with her husband. I feel I must not contact her and that she must come to her own conclusion. She had the strength to leave him once and I can only hope that she can overcome this mental block in her mind. My worry is that her husband will act like he has changed but it will be short lived. Even if she does leave him, I think we will have to slow things down and give her time to heal. I love her very much.
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 The best thing to do is let her come to you, don't chase after her. Are ypu Cathlic? Do you understand anything about the Cathlic relegion? If you and this woman do get together you will need to fully understand this womans relegion and maybe even become a cathlic too. I don't know much about the relegion, but I do know my sister had to become cathlic as her boyfriend is cathlic. It caused problems with the family if she was not cathlic.
tinke Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 it is my understanding that the church does not disown you for simply leaving your spouse, however.....divorce is unacceptable, and the church will disown you for that. what that does mean..she may still attend mass, but the church will not recognize another marriage (no church wedding). there is, i had heard a type of religous anullment which basically would state the marriage never took place, freeing her to keep in the faith. maybe it would benefit her to ask at other catholic parishes also. she may feel more comfortable talking with people she doesn't know from her parish. how long have you actually dated this woman? ahhh, the sad truth is we cannot control others. no matter what the husband tells her, it is ultimately between those two, now. if she is feeling this guilt over her marriage, any interference from you now, may be highly resented by her later.
Author SNJoe Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 I dated her for around three months and I never clicked with anyone like I did her. I've had time to think about this and one of the things that is bothering me is even though I told her I would not call her, I think that we are going to need to talk with each other again. My question is how much time would you give her to see if she is going to be able to see if her husband has changed and how long would you wait to call her? I have no doubt how she feels about me and I would hate to be seeing someone new and have her call me months from now saying she wants to get back with me. It would have been so much easier on both of us if we hadn't ended the relationship the way we did.
tinke Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 how do you feel about setting up a pre-arranged time frame together...say, a month, or whenever, and meet or arrange who will call, etc. and re-evaluate the situation. this way, you will know in a month or so, you will have a clear picture of what is happening, also, it will give you a chance to clear your head, and get used to your own company...with or without her. i have never fallen in love that quickly-few months...does that really happen? or is it a infatuation? a nice diversion from everyday life?
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