How do I move on?

[cheated]

Hi All

I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband has been emotionally and mentally unfaithful to me. I found texts on his cellphone, explicit....I confronted him and he said it was a woman from work and it had been going on for over 2 months, he swears nothing physical happened but they did share sexual fantasies. I then found out that he had been phoning her for up to an hour at a time aswell as all the emails at work etc.

 

I asked him if he had phoned her since I found out and asked to see his next mobile phone bill and he then confessed that he had, he had phoned her to warn her that I might phone.

 

I doubt I could be more hurt than if he has slept with her because he has shared intimate thoughts with her that I thought were ours alone. This woman now works in the same building as me, I am dreading bumping into her eventhough I have nothing to be ashamed off.

 

This woman is married has 2 kids and is pregnant with a 3rd. Her husband works away.

 

My question is how do I move on? My husband says he is devastated that he has hurt me and our daughter (2 years) so much and wants to regain our love and trust, I just can't forget what he has done, I feel like our marriage has been a farce for the last 2 months.

 

My husband is narrow minded when it comes to infidelity so he would have been the last person I would have thought would do this?

 

Looking for advice from people who have got through this type of thing and carried on to have a meaningful marriage.

 

Thanks

Cheated

[whichwayisup]

You tell her to stay away from your husband, and if she crosses the lines with him again, sexual talk, flirting - Whatever- YOU will contact her husband and show him their sexy email exchanges. Hopefully that will make it all stop, if she feels scared/threatened that her H will find out what she's been up to.

 

Your H MUST stop that behaviour NOW, and if he is willing to be an open book (allow you passwords to his email account(s), cellphone records AND to let you know if the OW contacts him too) and must go to marriage counselling with you as well.

 

If he really wants your love, faith and trust again, he'll do everything possible to show you that, not only in words, but in actions as well.

 

You will benefit, as will he, to go to individual counselling as well. Each of you have issues on your own that need to be fixed, and hopefully together you two can work through the other issues and make your marriage stronger and better.

 

Keep venting, many people here can help you through this.

[Trialbyfire]

How badly do you want to keep your husband?

 

Firstly, she has to go and he has to be the one to dump her like yesterday's news. Have him email her with a cc to you, proving this. Then, I would forward a copy to her husband, cc'ing both wayward parties. Affairs ferment in dark and dank places. When exposed to the light of day, they're no longer so fascinating.

[LakesideDream]

Move On? Do you mean get past the current problem, or do you mean start a new life for yourself?

 

"Emotional" affiars are nebulous things. Obviously there was something about this woman that attracted your husband, causing him to bond with her and her life situation. Often that "something" is something lacking in your own relationship with your husband.

 

Men don't share "emotions" and "feelings" with other men like women do with other women. When there is a void in a mans life it usually ends up with the man communicating with a woman he trusts for advice and understanding. This has been exaserbated in the last three decades or so by the unfortuate reality that half the men (and women) out there come from broken homes due to the astronomical divorce rate, and do not have complete relationships with their fathers. There is literally no one for many men to talk to about their emotional needs.

 

If I were you, and wanted to continue the marriage, I would find out whats "missing" in your relationship. And.. I would thank Gawd that the relationship hadn't become physical as well.

 

I'm not sure there was actually "infidelity" involved here. The current pop culture has created a huge myth around "emotional affairs". The new concept of "emotional affairs" sells lots of books, and keeps Dr. Phil busy. Ten years ago, what's called an "emotional affair" today was often considered to be one person reaching out for support from another.

 

Also understand, your husband can never "regain" your love. It's yours to give freely and without conditon.

[bish]

My question is how do I move on? My husband says he is devastated that he has hurt me and our daughter (2 years) so much and wants to regain our love and trust, I just can't forget what he has done, I feel like our marriage has been a farce for the last 2 months.

 

I know all too well how you feel. You are not alone.

 

I'd like to know just how he thinks he's going to regain your trust because I'll tell you one thing....you will NEVER trust him again. Not 100% anyway.

 

100% trust is just not possible after the discovery of an affair whether it be emotional or physical.

 

You can only hope to get back to some level of normalcy. And for that to happen, your husband needs to be kissing your feet on a daily basis and showing you how much he appreciates the fact that you don't divorce him and take your daughter with you.

 

it is HIM that needs to bust his ass to prove that to you. And will it be enough? Only time will tell.

 

Too bad you can't find out who she is and rat her out to her husband.

[Lynna]

Go for marriage counseling. You two have to work together to rebuild your marriage. One person cannot do it alone. I also recommend the book Can I Forgive You - it will help you work through how to forgive your husband and move forward. The book After the Affair is really helpful too. You need to explore why this happened to be able to move beyond it.

 

You and your H both need to avoid this woman. As WWIU said, he needs to give you full access to everything. He needs to give up his privacy to help you rebuild your trust in him. You are right, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, your H does, and SHE does. This woman REALLY takes the cake if she has a baby on the way and is acting like this, how far along is she anyway? She is probably more scared of running into you than you are of running into her. You certainly do NOT want to have any kind of a confrontation with her in the work place, so just ignoring her is probably best. If you do see her treat her as if she is beneath your notice, as if she does not exist. If you feel that you need to talk to her, do it away from work.

 

I hate to ask this as I know you are going through a lot of pain right now, but are you SURE that there was nothing physical? I really don't know how you can find out if he won't tell you. But I know I would want to know for sure. Maybe that would be a reason to confront her if you feel that would be helpful. Definitely go for the marriage counseling and individual counseling.

[East of Jupiter]

Move On? Do you mean get past the current problem, or do you mean start a new life for yourself?

 

"Emotional" affiars are nebulous things. Obviously there was something about this woman that attracted your husband, causing him to bond with her and her life situation. Often that "something" is something lacking in your own relationship with your husband.

 

Men don't share "emotions" and "feelings" with other men like women do with other women. When there is a void in a mans life it usually ends up with the man communicating with a woman he trusts for advice and understanding. This has been exaserbated in the last three decades or so by the unfortuate reality that half the men (and women) out there come from broken homes due to the astronomical divorce rate, and do not have complete relationships with their fathers. There is literally no one for many men to talk to about their emotional needs.

 

 

 

Pssssssssssssssst...... here is a secret ....

 

Men will do and say whatever they think a woman wants to hear for sex or ego stroking (there is always some stroking going on)

 

Here's a another....

 

A woman will fake she likes shallow sex when she wants a man to love her.

[LakesideDream]

Pssssssssssssssst...... here is a secret ....

 

Men will do and say whatever they think a woman wants to hear for sex or ego stroking (there is always some stroking going on)

 

Here's a another....

 

A woman will fake she likes shallow sex when she wants a man to love her.

 

 

I really don't understand the above. Is it ment to be humorous? There is truth in what you write, wherther you know it or not.

 

I was married for 25 years to a spouse who wasn't fully committed to the marriage. She had an on and off affair (physical, you know the kind with penis's and vagina's involved) with her HS boyfriend.

 

I DID, and SAID whatever I though would make her happy trying to encourage her to reciprocate my love for her. You know things like "wow, you look great today" when she was looking average. And working longer/harder hours for more money to make our family, (2 kids) more stable and comfortable. For 25 years I had no one to discuss her aloof behavior with. I had no one to ask why she did the things she did, or said the things she said. I had to put up with it in silence because I'm male, and that's the way things were. There was no "Love Shack" for me then.

 

When men cheat, it's wrong. When women cheat it's wrong. Both men and women do terrible things to hurt each other in relationships. There are however reasons for everyones behavior. I've lived long enough to want to know what those reasons are to help avoid repeating the same mistakes next time, if Gawd allows me a next time.

[cheated]

thanks for your responses.

 

I do know the woman, well know who she is......I will bump into her at work at some point and it was my intention to just stare her out, she should be the one to bow her head and be embarrassed! My husband has told me that her husband works away and she has twins and another on the way and 3 dogs to look after...not that I care, but he should not have reciprecated her advances.

 

He knows he has to be an open book, I have asked for his next itemised phone bill and have access to his email accounts as and when I request. He has agreed to all of this.

 

I do believe nothing physical happened. He did email her and blind copied me in and then forwarded me her response, he said that it stopped now, that he had devastated me and our daughter and it was not his intention, he said he loves us deeply and would do anything to win our love and trust back. She responded by saying she was sorry, that she was at a low point in her life and it saw her through, that she loved her husband and kids etc etc.

 

He is taking me away for a romantic weekend and also a holiday and he has promised not to contact her again.......I just hope these mixed emotions will subside in time and i will be able to trust him, yet at the back of my mind I wonder if I should end it because I am worried it might happen again and this time it may become physical...guess only time will tell.

 

Thanks again

C x

[whichwayisup]

he said that it stopped now, that he had devastated me and our daughter and it was not his intention, he said he loves us deeply and would do anything to win our love and trust back.

 

He did it for HIMSELF -Selfish reasons. And to feed his ego. OFCOURSE he is devastated!! He GOT caught! Imagine if you hadn't found out, he would have continued!

 

Right now his words are just words. Until you see him in action and he can live up to what he has told you (it being over and no more contact, fixing things, gaining your trust again) I would definately keep a close eye on him.

 

Good that you two are going away, I hope that things go well.

[East of Jupiter]

I really don't understand the above. Is it ment to be humorous? There is truth in what you write, wherther you know it or not.

 

I was married for 25 years to a spouse who wasn't fully committed to the marriage. She had an on and off affair (physical, you know the kind with penis's and vagina's involved) with her HS boyfriend.

 

I DID, and SAID whatever I though would make her happy trying to encourage her to reciprocate my love for her. You know things like "wow, you look great today" when she was looking average. And working longer/harder hours for more money to make our family, (2 kids) more stable and comfortable. For 25 years I had no one to discuss her aloof behavior with. I had no one to ask why she did the things she did, or said the things she said. I had to put up with it in silence because I'm male, and that's the way things were. There was no "Love Shack" for me then.

 

When men cheat, it's wrong. When women cheat it's wrong. Both men and women do terrible things to hurt each other in relationships. There are however reasons for everyones behavior. I've lived long enough to want to know what those reasons are to help avoid repeating the same mistakes next time, if Gawd allows me a next time.

 

 

Yes, you misunderstood. It was cynicism.

 

Let me state more clearly and apply to self:

 

My husband faked friendship with the OW for sex. The OW faked enjoying shallow sex for love.

 

IMHO I think this is the general state of affairs in the beginning. If the affair continues, attachment results. Though some men never really care about anyone but themselves (wife, kids AND OW included).

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. Are you still married? How did things work out with your wife? Did you cheat on your wife as well? I wasn't clear about whose mistakes you were speaking of. I am sincerely interested in hearing more about your experience. We don't hear from men as often as we do the BW.

[East of Jupiter]

thanks for your responses.

 

 

He is taking me away for a romantic weekend and also a holiday and he has promised not to contact her again.......I just hope these mixed emotions will subside in time and i will be able to trust him, yet at the back of my mind I wonder if I should end it because I am worried it might happen again and this time it may become physical...guess only time will tell.

 

Thanks again

C x

 

 

It sounds to me like his is doing all the right things. So long as he continues to do so, your emotions will subside. But please be aware that it does take time. And that is is also not unusual to take two steps forward only to find you've taken one back.

 

People make mistakes and they should get an opportunity to rectify that. You never know when you are going to make a mistake and need understanding.

 

Good luck on the romantic trip. It will be good for both of you.

[Lynna]

I am glad to hear that he is being an open book for you! Yes, you will not be able to forget this, it will influence your future lives together. Rebuilding the trust takes a VERY long time because it is such a personal violation. There are several good books out there that can help. Again, MC can help as well, they can give you exercises, things that you can do to help rebuild your relationship. Having a weekend away together is a good start too, I hope you have a good time. Hopefully, now that he sees how horrible this is, he will keep himself in line in the future. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Tomcat33]

How badly do you want to keep your husband?

 

Firstly, she has to go and he has to be the one to dump her like yesterday's news. Have him email her with a cc to you, proving this. Then, I would forward a copy to her husband, cc'ing both wayward parties. Affairs ferment in dark and dank places. When exposed to the light of day, they're no longer so fascinating.

 

 

I agree with this. It is not about the OW it is about your H and what HE did. Contacting her directly will not fix the problem with your H, she may go away but your H might not get the message that this cannot happen again with her or anyone. Getting him to write her and cc you is the best way for her to get the message and for him to show you that he is truly sorry for what he did and is willing to cut it all off.

 

Not sure about contacting her H that is a whole can of worms you might not what to open for yourself.

[flex]

cheated-

 

I have been going through something very similar to you the last few months. My wife had an EA with a guy at work. I found some emails like you did. It sucks. Not sure what to tell you about getting over it. I am still fighting it everyday. Honestly I am starting to think I will never get over it. I hope your H gets his act together, maybe this will make him realize how much he loves you and straightens things out. My wife and I are doing good, getting along better than ever but I am still having a hard time with the trust thing, once it is broken I am not sure how to get it back. I hope you figure it out. Good luck.

[cheated]

I hope so Flex, I am going to find out about the books the others suggested.....which I am thankful for!!

 

reading your posts really lifts my spirits! its good to know I am not alone, a problem shared is a problem halved they say and I do feel a weight lifted......if only a little!

 

thanks again, will keep you posted on our progress.

 

Cheated x

[quiet1one1]

Two books have been awesome for me: After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You, both by Janis Spring. I think they will really help you. They should be required reading for your H too - IMHO (and I'm a guy), he did have an affair.

 

Good luck.

[Lizzie60]

sorry but I don't buy the physical thing... that's baloney... you might believe him but it's b/s... they had sex, I would bet my life on this... he knows very well... that if he tells you that he had sex with her on top of the EA...you will flip... he knows that... but he wants to keep you cause he knows this woman is married...

 

If I were in your shoes (but I'm not) I would dump him...

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"... so he'll wait for the dust to fall down, they are ususally quite patient... and he will either contact her again or find another OW... they all do!

 

Sorry but you're settling for more pain... IMO.

[East of Jupiter]

sorry but I don't buy the physical thing... that's baloney... you might believe him but it's b/s... they had sex, I would bet my life on this... he knows very well... that if he tells you that he had sex with her on top of the EA...you will flip... he knows that... but he wants to keep you cause he knows this woman is married...

 

If I were in your shoes (but I'm not) I would dump him...

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"... so he'll wait for the dust to fall down, they are ususally quite patient... and he will either contact her again or find another OW... they all do!

 

Sorry but you're settling for more pain... IMO.

 

 

It is more likely than not that all of the truth is still not out but that doesn't mean that the man is lying.

 

We tend to expect others to act or do as we do. It's called validation. I thinnk this plays into our ability to believe a lie. "I would never do that to you."

 

This works for the OW as well. They are humans subject to those same emotional hard wired expectations that others will do as they did.

 

It is easier to see this when applied to say a thief. All thiefs think that everyone steals. That's how they validate their wrong behavior. "Everybody steals" and if they haven't "they just haven't stolen yet" or "they are lying about not having stolen."

[Chinook]

I haven't read all of the responses because I didn't want to be swayed really by what other people have written. But... one question stands out to me that I would want answered for definite. How do you know the affair wasn't physical...? I'm not saying this to throw a spanner in things, or to ruck things up if they're getting back on track, but from your initial posting... my feeling is that there could be some doubt about that and I dare say you'll never trust him until the 100% truth comes out. Can you be sure what he's told you so far is the 100% truth..? (You don't need to answer this here, it's a rhetorical question for you alone). I think I would need to be certain and I'm not entirely sure how I would go about that, but sharing sexual fantasies by email - I think - would come AFTER any sexual liaison, otherwise how do you become THAT comfortable to ASK someone that..?!

[fisherfool]

I hope you are doing OK. Do not pay attention to people who say that if a person cheats once they will cheat again. That's nonsense. If a person is honestly repentent about their actions they won't do it again.

 

The fact that your husband is quite rigid and has no use for infidelity may actually be part of what let him get caught up in a fantasy with this woman. It's very easy for someone to convince themselves they are doing nothing wrong when all that is being exchanged is words. The lie becomes the lie. I don't know if the pain for the betrayed spouse is any different when it is only words.

 

There is a possibility and even a probability that your husband is not yet completely honest with you about what he has done. But time and continued conversation with him will let you know. It is a very rare person who can continue to lie without tripping themselves up in some manner. Your question to ask yourself at this point is really whether or not you want to forgive him and once again learn to trust him.

 

You'll hear that it's never possible to trust again but I think that generally comes from people who have not found it possible for them to trust, or possibly their experience was with people who were not worthy of being trusted. For many it is possible to regain trust after a time. But it does take time and a lot of patience and work from both of you.

[child_of_isis]

Tell her H anyway. He deserves to know.

 

You tell her to stay away from your husband, and if she crosses the lines with him again, sexual talk, flirting - Whatever- YOU will contact her husband and show him their sexy email exchanges. Hopefully that will make it all stop, if she feels scared/threatened that her H will find out what she's been up to.

 

 

[LakesideDream]

Yes, you misunderstood. It was cynicism.

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. Are you still married? How did things work out with your wife? Did you cheat on your wife as well? I wasn't clear about whose mistakes you were speaking of. I am sincerely interested in hearing more about your experience. We don't hear from men as often as we do the BW.

 

No intent to hijack the thread here. I'm no longer married. 25 year marriage ended almost 7 years ago. No I never cheated. I never tolerated male friends who cheated. Never allowed men to denegrate women in my presense (which is considerable). I worked each day to make my marriage better. No kidding, every day. I knew something was missing and fought to make it better.

 

I'm far from perfect. I tried my hardest. I wasn't successful.

[tinke]

i would have to disagree..i do believe that if someone cheats, they will again.

if they had already demonstrated lack of respect for their mate, and there was no consequence to the relationship, why wouldn't they repeat it? yes, i believe there may be remorse, but...the fact is...it was a choice to cheat. the focus was not on the effects to the mate. so, if someone CHOOSES to dishonor you, where (all of a sudden), are they going to gain these newfound morals? it was a personal choice to degrade and disrespect the mate and the relationship. in my experience, it was not an isolated offense.

trust issues? one may be able to forgive, but it is very difficult to get passed that lasting hurt. the emotional pain caused by it tends to linger. not to say i do not believe the relationship can survive it, but for me, there would always be that doubt...walking on eggshells.

i have learned, at least for me..when someone does this, rarely do they take accountability. somehow it gets distorted and justified, and they are free from blame.

[East of Jupiter]

No intent to hijack the thread here. I'm no longer married. 25 year marriage ended almost 7 years ago. No I never cheated. I never tolerated male friends who cheated. Never allowed men to denegrate women in my presense (which is considerable). I worked each day to make my marriage better. No kidding, every day. I knew something was missing and fought to make it better.

 

I'm far from perfect. I tried my hardest. I wasn't successful.

 

You know I tried to find a guy like you but I don't think I knew what that looked like. I'm sorry to hear your wife didn't appreciate what she had.

 

I'm still in the fight. Twenty year marriage I've been working on me and him and everyone. I keep thinking so long as I think he's doing the same...

 

Nobody is perfect. The only sucessful stories are those were both partners try.

 

All we have is the knowledge that we are doing our best.

 

Hope you are in a better place today.