funkybassplayer Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Today i woke up again in diespair and devestation for the loss of my relationship ( ex and her 3 kids) For those of you who know my story, you will know whats gone on. Today i felt i had to do something, i was getting drsperate. I went to a councelor, and i explaned all that happened in my relationship, and how my ex was controlling. I explained how she ended it. His first words were she loves you, you have to let her go, and she will see that. Then he went on to me, what about my issues? I said, what about them? he said what happened to you in the past? he said you mentioned about (when i was talking about my ex) my dad who died ten years ago, have you grieved for him? as soon as he said that, oh my god, the most powerful wave of hurt and emotions came out of me, im crying as im writing this. HE said my ex has a similar problem, and unless she gets help, she will never be happy. I cant belive it............its me, we were both so dependant on each other, and i havent grieved for my dad. I know i never when he asked me, i said that my mum and brother were very weak, and i supported them, and then mum got cancer, so there was no time to greive for him for me, oh my god the power of the emotion thats in me now is incredible, i cant tell you. he also said i have a very big heart, and your ex wont forget that, she s cut you off cause she doent know how to deal with it. He said you come for help, and her breking up with me is a good thing b/c its brought me to seek help, and he will show me how to greive out this loss and improve my life. My god i could not belive the power. He said you have a lot of hurt and guilt in you, and thats why your trying to hang on to my ex. He said b/c you cant take the loss of some1 you love. He said she will feel that she loves you, but you have to let her go, she may come back as a freind, but i will be in a better place mentaly and then able to offer her the support she needs. He said she does have very big issues, and is hanging on to something from her past. She never spoke much about her past to me, and always closed up when i tried to talk. I know he is right, and thank god that im doing something about it, b/c i could go through life in incredible pain and not know about it. Just look at my signiture-my dad. Its true i always spoke about him, but i never knew that this was the issue. Its a strange feeling i have of incredible emotions thats making me cry so powerfully, but i feel a kind of freedom inside me, to know that i have found out something huge in my life. The ironic thing is, i have my ex to thank, as i could have still been in that destuctive relationship, but b/c she dumped me, i felt this incredible pain, and i looked for help, that has brought out the true problem of why im finding this breakup so hard to handle, cos i have to let go of my dad, which i havent yet. I have a session on thurs, he said you may feel some overwelming pain, but it will go, he said you have carried this with you for years, and never knew it, he said your life will be amazing after it. Im a bit scared of it all, but i have to do it. I was glad to hear that he said the the ex loves me, maybe not in a romantic way, but as a person, and he said although she cut contact she cant let go. I dont quite understand that, but he said he will explain that 1. I said is there anything i can do now? I said i sent the kids money for the hols, he said as long as you did it with love, then its fine (for the right reson) which i did. He said all i did for her was out of love, and that vibe will always be around her in the house, which i can relate to (decorating and stuff like that). Oh my god, what a thing, what a discovery.
BeyondThePale Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 That's great that you are making progress moving forward! I have called my therapist but have yet to schedule an appointment, you have inspired me to do so! Good luck and keep moving forward!
frd150 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Funk I am glad to see that you found help. I myself have thought about seeking therapy for my pain but i have heard of so many horror stories. Im glad to hear of your succcess. He said "she loves you and you have to let her go and she will see that". Did he elaborate on that more? I know he said she may come back as a friend. Post break up I found out about issues that she had from her past that if i sit and think about them have alot to do with what we are dealing with today. From what i know of her past it was way different than her and I. She is now back at it with the same type of guy or guys who knows and the same type of people. I have had many discussions on this with a few different people and everyone tends to agree.People tend to go back to what they are used to. Funky, we were just to good and too normal and it maybe scared them. some people like kaos in in their lives even though they will never admit it. We were the real deal. I can say that with confidence. I can say this for you after reading all your posts.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Thank you frd, i feel drained, but free, i have been smiling! and i acually want to thank my ex, but not yet, its too early. Ok what he said about my ex. He said b/c she got so controling, it was b/c she loved me, and deep down was scared to lose me. He also said that although she cut you out of her life, its b/c she just does not know any better to deal with it. Like all issues, they go in a box. He said, her current b/f will get the same, and she will never be happy, truly. i explained a few things how she acted in the end, and he said she cant let go of you, thats why she does what she does. Ie wont return a buisness email (its a power thing) Ok he said, she will know it in her heart that you did love her very much, and she will know that she loved me too, as a person. I really dont mind if she comes back into my life as a friend, as the whole family were very special to me. Ok as for me, i have a deep sadness in me, that when our relationship finished, b/c i loved her so much, it brought out that deep pain that happened when my dad died, and at the time, i was too bust to feel it. So i went into this huge depression b/c of his death, and it surfaced at the loss of this particular relationship as i had such a deep conection mentally with her. Basically we brought out the worst in each other as we had a strong mental connection if that makes sense. she got angryer, and i got more withdrawn, and tryed harder and harder to make it work. So right away after the split, she went to some1 new to fill that void to make her feel better in herself. As i described her to him, she has many issues that have to be addressed for her future happyness. That why sometimes these people come back into our lives, b/c of that mental connection that they had, so it should never be brushed off, they are in affect coming back for help. I really feel a deep piece, and thats just the tip of the iceburg, he said, i have a huge heart, and that has to be controlled?? he also said all the stuff that you did around her house, is creating vibes of me, b/c i did it from the heart. He said that she doen't know this yet, but one day it will just hit her. So he was saying, you have to let lost souls go, and they will find you when they are ready. Makes sense? He also said that b/c of the break-up, it caused me to look at myself (remember the post doughting myself?0 and this made me look for the help. Here is an email he sent me to a question. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Richard[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The relationship brought out similar issues in both of you that have been there, probably from childhood. In terms of timing, the lessons arrive when we are ready for them - best to let go of regret about what might have happened. If you work on your own issues you will help her anyway. See how you get on first and then of course you might want to contact her again - but don't rush things or try to tell her where she has issues - nobody will thank us for that![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Peter[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial]we will see!![/FONT]
frd150 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hey Funky, Ahh, I really want to answer to this but a client just walked in and I will be tied up for a bit. I will get back to it because you make some rather interesting points. Thank you for being patient with me
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 no probs, ok from what i can gather, i loved her and the family so much that the loss reached so deep to reserect my demonds (dads death) that has been there for 10 years. Now i did the same to her, but she doesnt know that. The guy was saying that i was ready to let my dad go..........she made that happen. I will in a few weeks explain this to her, and thank her for this, as she has freed me from something that was there for 10 years, and no other person managed to do that. For that i will always let her know this, and whatever happens in the next 2 weeks, if she says whatever for sending the money, i will let her know what she has done for me. I was really drawn to her when i first saw her pic on the dating site, and she too me. I think this all goes a lot deeper than i understand, but there are airwaves involved, and you can make that connection even though the person is not there. i know this too be true b/c 2 weeks b4 my dad died, he told me he was going, and he did. It was a beutiful thing, and i will never forget that. For some reason, and i have always said this, i feel Tam will be back in my life to some degree. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Aliddy Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hello my friend, I have been following your posts, and am so pleased you are talking to someone about all this.......unresolved grief......a very powerful emotion....... I truly hope, that this counselling will help you, try to understand, and deal with your pain.... It may only appear as words on a screen..... But behind those words are real people and people who care...... Suzanne :-)
Chinook Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Hi Funky I haven't read all the posts because really, if I'm honest I don't have the mental energy. I've been absent since last week because basically I can't cope any more... same as you were in your deep dark place. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow though, so hopefully he can help me. C x
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 HI C, i had to get help, basicaly, it was my time to let go of my dad, this relationship when it ended caused me so much pain, that it made me seek help. I knew i was just getting worse and worse. It came out that i havent let go of my dad yet, as soon as he said that the pain was so great. I have to see him tomorrow, to start letting go of him. Of course i miss my ex terribly, but it was b/c we had such a strong bond, that it brought out thisreaction. I will write her a letter so sheknows what she has done for me. He also said that she loves me very much as a person (how i described our situ, and stuff, and i have to let her go, b/c there is a good chance she will come back as a freind or whatever into my life. Its funny all this n/c stuff means nothing when it goes beyound the norm. I will also send her a little gift, not now but in a week or two. I know this all to be true, b/c i kept mentioning my dad, he soon asked about him, and then this huge rage came out from me, i could not belive it. This is the start and it may get worse, but knowing whats going on inside me is like a breath of fresh air. It took that connection with her and 3 kids and that loss to bring out what was going on in me for ten years.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Hello my friend, I have been following your posts, and am so pleased you are talking to someone about all this.......unresolved grief......a very powerful emotion....... I truly hope, that this counselling will help you, try to understand, and deal with your pain.... It may only appear as words on a screen..... But behind those words are real people and people who care...... Suzanne :-) Thank you, and me to you too. I will post on my feelings and progress as it happens. At the moment, im feeling tired, and drained, i wish my ex was with me now to hold me, but i have this place too, with some warm people. He said he will show me how to make a connection with my ex over the airwaves:confused: (i know this sort of thing happens, as my dad told me over the waves that he was going to die two weeks later he did) was amazing. Last night i was thinking alot about her, in a good way, i was'nt upset, and this mornig, i clearly heard her say hello in the way she did when she answered the phone! spooky! I was dreaming i guess, but who knows.
frd150 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Thank you frd, i feel drained, but free, i have been smiling! and i acually want to thank my ex, but not yet, its too early. Goodto hear. I know the feeling.I had it after a long talk with her regarding our relationship. Oh,your welcome. Ok what he said about my ex. He said b/c she got so controling, it was b/c she loved me, and deep down was scared to lose me. He also said that although she cut you out of her life, its b/c she just does not know any better to deal with it. Like all issues, they go in a box. He said, her current b/f will get the same, and she will never be happy, truly. i explained a few things how she acted in the end, and he said she cant let go of you, thats why she does what she does. Ie wont return a buisness email (its a power thing) Ok he said, she will know it in her heart that you did love her very much, and she will know that she loved me too, as a person. Very interesting, In looking back I can see that my exs way of dealing with things was just to glaze over them. Wether it was with me, friends, or her family. I guess i could lump the way she broke up with me into all of this. She just never came out and told me that we needed to talk. How can we fix what we do not know or realize. The box explanation definetly applys with my ex. Pride is also a big facter her. I swallowed mine the day she walked out. Whats the saying ? "pride goeth before before the fall". I think not to sure if i got it right. After Said long talk I stopped contacting my ex. I gave her her out and she was not having it. She is still hanging on for something. I know my exs heart has iced over but somewhere there has to be a warm spot for me. Hey, if it can happen for the grinch then it surley must be able to happen for her. I really dont mind if she comes back into my life as a friend, as the whole family were very special to me. Ok as for me, i have a deep sadness in me, that when our relationship finished, b/c i loved her so much, it brought out that deep pain that happened when my dad died, and at the time, i was too bust to feel it. So i went into this huge depression b/c of his death, and it surfaced at the loss of this particular relationship as i had such a deep conection mentally with her. You were and are entitled to your grief. No on can put a time limit on it, NO ONE. I have never lost a parent to death but my father years ago decided to wipe his hands clean of me. I tried to be a good son but he is selfish. He took all his money and ran. I am a better person i think. I have been succesful on my own. So for me i think that I have some strong abandonment issues. I never felt so connected in any other relationship. Like they say you know when she is the one. It was like bluetooth if that makes sence. So when she left it was like reliving so many incidents in my younger life when i felt alone and left out. Basically we brought out the worst in each other as we had a strong mental connection if that makes sense. she got angryer, and i got more withdrawn, and tryed harder and harder to make it work. So right away after the split, she went to some1 new to fill that void to make her feel better in herself. As i described her to him, she has many issues that have to be addressed for her future happyness. That why sometimes these people come back into our lives, b/c of that mental connection that they had, so it should never be brushed off, they are in affect coming back for help. I really feel a deep piece, and thats just the tip of the iceburg, he said, i have a huge heart, and that has to be controlled?? he also said all the stuff that you did around her house, is creating vibes of me, b/c i did it from the heart. He said that she doen't know this yet, but one day it will just hit her. So he was saying, you have to let lost souls go, and they will find you when they are ready. Makes sense? He also said that b/c of the break-up, it caused me to look at myself (remember the post doughting myself?0 and this made me look for the help. Here is an email he sent me to a question. I tend to agree. She is not getting any better from what i understand. She puts up a good front but i know she is hurting on the inside. Things just never really seem to go her way but she keeps on truckin (sorry,cheesie American saying). She must keep coming back to me for comfort when she needs it. She said to me last night that i Never return her calls or answer my cell when she calls. Ah, no maybe in her reality. I do not answer every call. I do not want he too think i am on pins and needls waiting. I did alot of things for her To help further her career. She still uses theese things daily and I would hope that she remembers that i did it out of love and support each time she uses them. That Vibe. Yes it does make sense. Last night i was out at a club dancing wit a girl. She got a little freaky, well i did to. A few belvederes will do that. At the end this girl apologized to me for being such a freak. She said "your just so sweet, i hope I did not offend you". Nope not in the least;). Point is...... it hit me, Im the nice guy. Girls see me that way. Im safe. Maybe the safety was smuthering my ex. Thats why she is or has dated guys that treat her like Sh*t. Maybe i gave too much maybe i was too passive and safe. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Richard[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The relationship brought out similar issues in both of you that have been there, probably from childhood. In terms of timing, the lessons arrive when we are ready for them - best to let go of regret about what might have happened. If you work on your own issues you will help her anyway. See how you get on first and then of course you might want to contact her again - but don't rush things or try to tell her where she has issues - nobody will thank us for that![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Peter[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial]we will see!![/FONT] I agree. Sorry yesterday was a little insane. X games are in town and i work in a related industry so it was one thing after another. I had to be out late babysitting our athletes.
frd150 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Oh i forgot, Hung with my buddy from Norwich (I think thats correct) last night. He knows my situation. I told him about this site and he wanted me to give a shout to all you Brits.
Aliddy Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Hi to your friend from Norwich...... I am West Sussex ..... near London Gatwick.....
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