Sad

[kattt]

Hi, I'm new here. This is long, sorry.

 

I've been in a relationship with a man for more than 9 years. It has been both the most wonderful and the most painful years of my life. We love each other so deeply, so intensely, or so I thought. I simply can't believe he was faking what I've seen in his eyes, his smile, the way his face lights up when he walks into the room and sees me, the way he holds me and kisses me and then says, "Ohhhhhhh! Best kisses in the whole world!" And yet the way hes behaving now makes me doubt everything. We have never lived together due to circumstances I won't get into. Suffice it to say it was always known that we WOULD be together when we could be. He has lied a lot, has disappeared several times for weeks or even a few months and I know that sounds bad but what I've learned more than anything through this experience is that it's really true what they say... you shouldn't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. He told me the lies were to try to NOT hurt me and as dumb as it sounds, I believe that. He isn't cruel. He is a very loving man and would never hurt someone on purpose. But at the same time I want to scream with anger at him for the lies and the going away. I have always suspected that he might have some mental issues and I always hoped that wasn't true but for days now I've been hoping it IS true because that would mean that he doesn't mean to hurt me, but that he can't help it.

 

I could write forever about all this because it is a lot of years of love and hurt and waiting and dreaming but I'll just cut to the chase.

 

We can be together now. And he's in another state, maybe to stay. I hadn't heard from him for a few days and then found that out by accident. I emailed him. He initially responded with anger but then he said he loved me and was confused. Supposedly he went to his moms to have back surgery but I don't know if that's true or another of his lies meant to not hurt me. He said he's very confused and doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know if he should stay there or come back here. He said he hates it here and doesn't want to come back and yet I'm here. He said he doesn't understand how his heaven and hell can be in the same place. I DID press the issue because I don't understand why there's an issue, he's spent YEARS telling me he wants to be with me and now that he can be he's confused? So he said fine, since I was going to pressure him he was staying and we'd "move on" knowing we were loved even though we were apart.

 

A few days after that he called me. Said he can't let me go, said he needs me and asked if I needed him too. He said maybe I could come there to live with him when he gets his own place, said maybe he should come back here and live with me. Said he missed me and wished I was there because he needed a hug and kiss soooooo bad. And then he didn't talk to me 4 days. And then he sent a brief email. Back to being confused? I sent him a picture of my daughter because she wanted him to see her new necklace. He freaked out. OMG do you have more pics of you and her? I miss you guys. I haven't seen you for so long! Pleeeeease send more pictures. So I did. He said I looked sad, promised he'd send me some pics of him and his girls the next day and then stopped talking. He did send me some pictures with a brief message. I've emailed him a few times since then and nothing. Another 4 days have passed without a word.

 

I don't understand. It SEEMS like he's done with me and doesn't want to say it. And yet he called and said all that about not being able to let me go and all the other sweet stuff. Can he really be that confused? Should I back off and give him time to figure stuff out like he says he's trying to do or should I figure I was just a 9 year game and give up and try to figure out how to somehow get over him?

 

I'm having a really difficult time with this. I have always wanted to be loved from as far back as I can remember and he is the very first person besides my daughter that I truly believed loved me. I have been thinking a lot about dying. There are other issues, not just him. I feel very hopeless about every aspect of my life and this new situation with him is just making everything else a million times worse because always I knew I was loved which made everything else tolerable and now I wonder if he ever loved me at all.

 

Thanks for reading if you read this far. I feel so alone. I don't have anyone to talk to about this because no one who knows me listens anymore as they feel I should have ended it long ago.