TogetherForever Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I replied with my response to this thread yesterday & was red flagged. I must have offended someone:(. It's a shame if the bs is only considered a safety net for the mm to return to after the affair.
Tomcat33 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 The married man has the benefit of an existential safety net: wife and kids, and all the legitimacy that entails. Ironically, the family, which he betrayed, helps cushion the blows. Life's a bitch, isn't it? As for the OW, well, she has her cat, perhaps a friend or two and her therapist. I have similar feelings about my MW. She engineered the affair, and then returned to the arms of her husband and kids. Life can be unfair. Yes I totally agree so so true. It used to eat away at me thinking how unfair, what did I do to myself, I am left with the all the misery and he has his cushion. But I can say now that I understand things better, and seeing how hard it has proven to get over him initially, I would have hated to have had to go back to another rel and try to focus on doing THAT while I was trying to get over another person and also understand why I had the A in the first place. At least being alone you can cry when you want to, lock yourself up from the word and be silent for as long as you want, sleep your weekends off if need be when you want to and even come and go as your heart desires. I can't imagine how much work it takes to try to get over someone PLUS to try to win over the person you originally tried to leave....talk about torture for yourself!!! That to me would be worst sentence. My focus has been 100% on me. When you are trying to save a marriage after an affair you lose yourself in the whole experience...he will have years of therapy lined up just to refind himself. Hope it's not to harsh when he does. I insist I am better off than he is in the end.
stillafool Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I see what you are saying, however for me having people around me that love me would help me get over an A faster. Especially if there are kids around because they are always doing something funny. I have no children but during times I have been down about something, an afternoon with my nephews erases everything from my mind. I guess that coupled with the fact that in your heart you know you are finally on the right track with your life can make it easier.
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 So what you are saying is I am irrevelant. He is now 100% focuse on his W and he does not care whether I live or die. The person who told me he loved me and just two weeks ago told me he thinks about screwing me. Now i am supposed to believe he is totally committed to making his marriage work. Somehow I do not think this right and also he has not been honest with her because he never told her about the ea. I am guessing that my xmm falls intot he second category and is waiting to start something up with someone else rather than fiix his marriage let alone himself. Why are you making this 100x worse than it has to be??? And, why do you think SO LOW of yourself, that he wouldn't care if you lived or died! FF, your self esteem and negativeness is getting worse. WHO counts more is your husband's love and care for you, NOT your exMM neighbour! But, you're not completely committed to making your marriage work because you've not told your husband that it was a PA, not just an EA, so don't get too upset/mad that your exMM is doing the same thing. And, if he chooses another woman in the future, that's his stupid choice. Just don't assume now he's scouting out for the next one to come along. AND, even if he did, you have no say on what he does in his life. You're creating more problems for yourself by letting what he does/thinks take over your own life. Just curious why you think I want to start up with him again? I have been putting lately into my m than ever before. I really want to fall back in love with my H and have those feelings I had for xmm. My H deserves that and judging from all of my xmm actions he does not. My xmm seems like he is avoiding so that maybe is why I want to talk to him. One minute he is nice and civil and the next he is mad at me. I just can't figure him out and maybe I never will. Being honest with you GL I still care about what he thinks and I am wondering when that will go away? So let your exMM avoid you. Don't react to it, and push the thoughts away of wanting to talk to him when he avoids you. Hey, when you avoided him, he wanted to talk to you, so maybe its all a game. Stop playing the game. Take control.
Cliche Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I see what you are saying, however for me having people around me that love me would help me get over an A faster. Especially if there are kids around because they are always doing something funny. OPs do have people around who love them. Including some who have kids..... Am I reading wrong or is this the OW is a lonely spinster generalization? I think in most cases, not by a long shot.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hey, when you avoided him, he wanted to talk to you, so maybe its all a game. Stop playing the game. Take control I think that one thing that is important to explore is that we do tend to be hurt when someone walks away from us. FF you can see that in both his actions and it your own. I remember when my H found was served D papers. He had not a clue until then that I had filed. Took everything I had to find my big girl panties and get a handle on things. I was strong and determined and happy about it. The day he found out he went through a range of emotions and THEN the anger kicked in and he stormed away from me. All my determination went out the door. I'm all of a sudden considering chasing him down, don't go, don't be mad at me. I see the madness in my reaction but the feelings are there just the same. No matter how much you want something, or how determined you are, it hurts to be ignored, walked away from, or to find out that he person you really don't even like doesn't like you either (that wasn't directed to your situation exactly but life situations). Doesn't make sense, but it does seem to affect most people just the same. Maybe something to explore with yourself.
Tomcat33 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I see what you are saying, however for me having people around me that love me would help me get over an A faster. Especially if there are kids around because they are always doing something funny. I have no children but during times I have been down about something, an afternoon with my nephews erases everything from my mind. I guess that coupled with the fact that in your heart you know you are finally on the right track with your life can make it easier. but don't you have people around that love you? We all do I know I certainly do and I am not married. I have a big family and lots of friends. I am totally good in that respect I really don't feel alone. And I thank god for that every day. My ex, it's just he and his W, she has limited family here and does not get along so not close at all. He has no family here at all. I agree on the children comment. I think kids can brighten anyone's day. some men are too disconnected from their children, yes they love them to death and they would do anything for them but they are disconnected and in the wrong frame of mind they may just turn out to be a burden for them. Some men appreciate the aspect of the As where they can get away from having to deal with the duties that their children demand. I hate to make a generalization but you cannot argue that women tend to have a different connection with their children than men do. I am not saying it is ALL or always like that but in some cases. In my particular case there were no children so full on face reality mode for him. And one last thought: in the case of these marriages that are trying to recover from the A in the early stages the BS is NOT going to make the cheater feel very loved so I don't know about that theory that you have all these people around you that make you feel loved, plus not to mention if family/friends know that you cheated on your spouse you might even make some enemies...I see it as not that good all around.
fisherfool Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 First is fear. Fear that your wife will find out, that she will leave. Second is shame and humiliation. That you've lied and deceived and done something so out of character. Third is anger. Anger at yourself for what you've done. Anger at your wife for placing other things ahead of you because at least for awhile you convince yourself that if she hadn't done that you wouldn't have done this, and anger at the other woman for not remaining the fantasy that she started out as because at least for awhile you convince yourself that it was all her fault for leading you into this. And finally is relief. Relief that the lying and hiding and sneaking is over.
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hey, when you avoided him, he wanted to talk to you, so maybe its all a game. Stop playing the game. Take control I think that one thing that is important to explore is that we do tend to be hurt when someone walks away from us. FF you can see that in both his actions and it your own. I remember when my H found was served D papers. He had not a clue until then that I had filed. Took everything I had to find my big girl panties and get a handle on things. I was strong and determined and happy about it. The day he found out he went through a range of emotions and THEN the anger kicked in and he stormed away from me. All my determination went out the door. I'm all of a sudden considering chasing him down, don't go, don't be mad at me. I see the madness in my reaction but the feelings are there just the same. No matter how much you want something, or how determined you are, it hurts to be ignored, walked away from, or to find out that he person you really don't even like doesn't like you either (that wasn't directed to your situation exactly but life situations). Doesn't make sense, but it does seem to affect most people just the same. Maybe something to explore with yourself. And the bottomline of this is FF, there is no need to have him in your life at all. HE isn't the person you 'thought' he was, and he couldn't ever BE the person you want him to be. The good feelings, fun and fantasy is just that, so try to look at it that way. Yes, you invested ALOT of emotions and feelings in the affair, that's prob. why you're hurting alot still. Forgive yourself, lighten up on yourself and be glad that you still have your family around you. Please have some fun! Forget all this stuff and have a weekend getaway with your WHOLE family. Bond, and just have a change of scenery. It will do you alot of good.
TogetherForever Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 First is fear. Fear that your wife will find out, that she will leave. Second is shame and humiliation. That you've lied and deceived and done something so out of character. Third is anger. Anger at yourself for what you've done. Anger at your wife for placing other things ahead of you because at least for awhile you convince yourself that if she hadn't done that you wouldn't have done this, and anger at the other woman for not remaining the fantasy that she started out as because at least for awhile you convince yourself that it was all her fault for leading you into this. And finally is relief. Relief that the lying and hiding and sneaking is over. But sometimes, although the lying, hiding & sneaking around with his lover is over, I've been told that the mm goes home & continues to live in a loveless marriage where he will remain miserable. And that is sad.
PoshPrincess Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 But sometimes, although the lying, hiding & sneaking around with his lover is over, I've been told that the mm goes home & continues to live in a loveless marriage where he will remain miserable. And that is sad. True. From what I've heard from mutual friends, my exMM isn;t making much of an effort to repair his M, because he thinks it was all over a long time ago and that he cannot get back the love he once had for her. He is moaning to friends about his miserable life: "Work is sh*t, my home life is sh*t....." Well, more fool him for not making more of an effort. Re the sneaking around, lying, etc. I know exMM was very happy for that to be over. That was the hardest bit and I have to say that neither of us got off on that in the slightest.
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 OPs do have people around who love them. Including some who have kids..... Am I reading wrong or is this the OW is a lonely spinster generalization? I think in most cases, not by a long shot. No I was replying to Tomcats #27, second paragraph where she says she thinks it's better to be alone during a breakup. Which is fine because that's how some people heal better. I was saying for me a breakup would be easier to have a family cushion. To each their own. Most people have people who love them and it's up to them whether they want to go to loved ones for support during rough times.
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Some men appreciate the aspect of the As where they can get away from having to deal with the duties that their children demand. I hate to make a generalization but you cannot argue that women tend to have a different connection with their children than men do. I am not saying it is ALL or always like that but in some cases. You are right about this TC. There are also women who don't want to be around their kids as well. My friend was just telling me at her job they were asking people if they wanted to work from home. The company was going to spend $4,000 per household to get employees to work from home. The women didn't want to do it. They said they would rather be at work than home with their kids. Some said they go to work to get away from their kids. So I guess this can go either way depending on the parents. I have no kids so time I spend with my nephews is shear joy. I do have lots of people who love me and I love.
9Lives Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 An affair is often more than a one night stand. If it's a bona fide relationship, the end can be as unpleasant as the end of any romantic entanglement: pain, sorrow, need, relief, anxiety, etc. Often, even more so. When affairs end, one normally does not get much support or sympathy. If you're single, you go back to the single life. And if you're married, you try to reconnect with your BS , while working through the grief of losing a lover, a friend and a companion. Those factors that make affairs so intense--the forbidden, fantasy isolation and that affair "bubble"--also make affair endings that much more painful to endure. Karma. of all the posting here this one sounds more on point. Affairs mean that the two people shared something more that just sex so emotions are involved on both sides. the mm may be better at blocking it out because he has someone there to somewhat lean on and the single person does not really in the beginning. Our relationship ended about almost two weeks now. I became so annoying to him because I wanted more and stuff that I think he is relieved that it is over. But at the same time, he is still faced with the issues that made him cheat in the first place. So I know he is experiencing some things inside. I am very sad and I want to feel better really.
PoshPrincess Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 My friend was just telling me at her job they were asking people if they wanted to work from home. The company was going to spend $4,000 per household to get employees to work from home. Jeez, sounds like I'm living in the wrong country. I would've bitten their arm off if that was me! I think it was the best thing ever to have friends and family around when my A with MM ended. I found it hard mixing with people I didn't know so well and couldn't be bothered with idle chit-chat, but when real friends came to see me I was SO grateful. I think I would've gone insane all by myself.
Shades of Grey Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 The married man has the benefit of an existential safety net: wife and kids, and all the legitimacy that entails. Ironically, the family, which he betrayed, helps cushion the blows. Life's a bitch, isn't it? As for the OW, well, she has her cat, perhaps a friend or two and her therapist. I have similar feelings about my MW. She engineered the affair, and then returned to the arms of her husband and kids. Life can be unfair. God that is sooo true!! Except I don't even have a cat...hmmm..!?
Herzen Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 A cat would be nice, especially if you live alone. If you can't get a cat, find like minded souls for support. Heck, someone should start an OW/OM support group. While affairs are undoubtedly hurtful, they are relationships, and particularly intense ones at that. So when these outlaw pairings end, the pain, grief and sense of loss can be overwhelming--as in any love affair's conclusion. Yet one more reason never to have an Affair.
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 A cat would be nice, especially if you live alone. If you can't get a cat, find like minded souls for support. Heck, someone should start an OW/OM support group. While affairs are undoubtedly hurtful, they are relationships, and particularly intense ones at that. So when these outlaw pairings end, the pain, grief and sense of loss can be overwhelming--as in any love affair's conclusion. Yet one more reason never to have an Affair. So true! It is a break up no matter how you slice it. Yet one more reason never to have an Affair But there is never a good reason not to have a cat God that is sooo true!! Except I don't even have a cat...hmmm..!? Oh Shades cats are great comapny. Mine follows me around the house doing whatever I do, it's pretty funny actually...and she brings me her favourite toy to play fetch when she is bored, yes she fetches like a dog. Problem is "he" absolutely loved her and he wasn't crazy about cats until he met her (like most guys I suppose LOL), so I find myself calling her the silly names he would sometimes....sighhhhh..... I remember in my days of pain when I just wanted to be alone at home by myself, I would find I'd be watching tv and uncontrollably would start to cry. I'd catch a glimpse of her laying on her back with her big fury tummy sprawlled out and hind legs wide open like a drunken homeless person sleeping in the park, and she would look up at me cocking her head to one side wanting to see what all the comotion was as if saying "hey over there you gonna get it together or what? trying to sleep over here." I would suddenly snap into laughter...how could you not? Pets can bring a lot of joy.
PoshPrincess Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I remember in my days of pain when I just wanted to be alone at home by myself, I would find I'd be watching tv and uncontrollably would start to cry. I'd catch a glimpse of her laying on her back with her big fury tummy sprawlled out and hind legs wide open like a drunken homeless person sleeping in the park, and she would look up at me cocking her head to one side wanting to see what all the comotion was as if saying "hey over there you gonna get it together or what? trying to sleep over here." I would suddenly snap into laughter...how could you not? Pets can bring a lot of joy. I agree. I felt the same with my young son too though, although I guess cats don't wake you up so early in the morning (unless you don't have a catflap! Coming home to him in the evenings was the best thing - the only thing that kept me going most of the time.
fisherfool Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 But sometimes, although the lying, hiding & sneaking around with his lover is over, I've been told that the mm goes home & continues to live in a loveless marriage where he will remain miserable. And that is sad. If the marriage is actually loveless, that is sad. But the fact that he's been having an affair does not actually mean that the marriage is loveless. It means that there are problems in the marriage certianly and it means that he has chosen to run away from those problem instead of addressing them, at least up until now. Beyond that no one other than the husband and wife can say.
HappyAtLast Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 That would teach my wife's hateful little parrots a nice lesson A cat would be nice, especially if you live alone. If you can't get a cat, find like minded souls for support. Heck, someone should start an OW/OM support group. While affairs are undoubtedly hurtful, they are relationships, and particularly intense ones at that. So when these outlaw pairings end, the pain, grief and sense of loss can be overwhelming--as in any love affair's conclusion. Yet one more reason never to have an Affair.
Cheesecake Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 The married man has the benefit of an existential safety net: wife and kids, and all the legitimacy that entails. Ironically, the family, which he betrayed, helps cushion the blows. Life's a bitch, isn't it? As for the OW, well, she has her cat, perhaps a friend or two and her therapist. I have similar feelings about my MW. She engineered the affair, and then returned to the arms of her husband and kids. Life can be unfair. I felt that way when we ended things 6 weeks ago - upset that he had his family and I had just myself. But that's not really true. Luckily, I have amazing friends and family who knew the situation and have been absolutely wonderful and supportive. Anyway, I'm willing to bet that OW/OM may feel more pain when the affair first ends (and GOD is it painful ), and like many you have said, MM/MW will go back to their family and pretend that there are no issues and will be somewhat relieved that the additional pressure is off. However, as time goes by, and reality sets in, the MM/MW will realize that nothing has changed, that they are still in their same miserable situation, and they will start to miss the intimacy they once had while we OW/OM are free to do as we please and see who we please, without having to worry that we're doing something that can potentially hurt people we supposedly love. And I'll be damned if I ever date another man who claims he is "separated". I'm not going through this again. If he's divorced, I want to see papers.
Shades of Grey Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 And I'll be damned if I ever date another man who claims he is "separated". I'm not going through this again. If he's divorced, I want to see papers. Lol. Good for you
Cheesecake Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Yeah, me and my girlfriends were actually thinking of printing up T-shirts which read the following and then going out on the town: Do not approach me if any of the following apply: 1) You are married with children 2) You are married without children 3) You are married with children on the way 4) You are "separated" but still living with your wife which means you are still married and technically not separated, you jackass! Look it up in a legal dictionary. Um, oops. I still have a little anger left. Its getting better everyday though. You have no idea how many of us are approached by married men everyday. It's absolutely disgusting.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 And I'll be damned if I ever date another man who claims he is "separated". I'm not going through this again. If he's divorced, I want to see papers Well, now this explains it! Every divorced man I know (almost) keeps his divorce papers in his glove box!!!! I could never figure this one out, but now it's making sense!
Recommended Posts