wifeandmotherlost1 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Hello, Just last week I had found emails to my husbands other woman. The emails go back since we were married in 2002. I have caught him previously in our marriage with internet porn. Theses emails state how much he loves her and misses her. They talk about how great the phone sex was and how much better it was when they were actually together. I also found pictures of them naked they have been sending back and forth. In june my husband had a training class out of state and he had given her the room number to his hotel and phone number and had invited her to come there. We have been through alot with his lying and abusivness in our marriage. But I really thought things were going so good and that he had changed. These emails state how our marriage is so bad and that he had wished he didnt marry me at all and would have married her. We have two beautiful children together I don't understand what I did to deserve this and what did our children do to deserve this. I also found out that there are many other women he has been with online. I dont know if he has been with them in person, but I do know he tells them that I had died after our son was born of a stroke. He then gets them to do stuff on the computer with him. Yes I did have a stroke after our son was born, but I survived it. It hurts so bad to know he has said this. I havent eaten the thought of food makes me sick. Sleep has been hard to do. I am feeling butterflies in my chest and the emotions keep changing in a fast pase. One second I am crying, then I am mad , then I am blaming myself, Then I am mad at the other women, and so on. I feel like I am on a rollercoster of feelings. I feel as though I am totally ruined by this. How will I ever trust again? All I ever wanted was a marriage that was full of love and trust. Was that to much to ask for? I hate so much what he has done but at the same time I still love him. Is this why this hurts so much? Will this feeling go away?
PandorasBox Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 We have two beautiful children together I don't understand what I did to deserve this and what did our children do to deserve this. You and your kids didn't do anythign to deserve this. Yoou need to know that you and your kids are worth alot more than what is given to you from this man. but I do know he tells them that I had died after our son was born of a stroke. He then gets them to do stuff on the computer with him. Yes I did have a stroke after our son was born, but I survived it. :mad:I'm sorry but out of all the things this man is doing/saying, this stuicks out to me the most for some reason. And you're still with him because? The kids? I really think you need to get into some counseling for yourself if you have not been. Hopefully, once you build up some self esteem and think more highly of yourself and kids, you will get up the courage to maybe make a big step in your life, one that probably does not involve him.
Lynna Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I know how you feel and how terrible it is! You can survivie this! We have two beautiful children together I don't understand what I did to deserve this and what did our children do to deserve this. I know right now you wonder what you did wrong. Well, from everything you say here, you have done nothing to deserve this. He has a serious problem and has had it probably all his life. He is selfish and he is deluding himself as well as everyone else. You did not fail him, he failed you and he failed as a father as well. No matter WHAT problems you faced in your marriage, responsible partners work together to try and resolve the issues. He chose not to take that path, he chose the path of selfishness. You and your children are NOT at blame for his choice, his actions. THAT is COMPLETELY his fault. We have been through alot with his lying and abusivness in our marriage. But I really thought things were going so good and that he had changed. These emails state how our marriage is so bad and that he had wished he didnt marry me at all and would have married her. He is a liar and a cheat. He has lied to you it is ENTIRELY possible he has ALSO lied to her. It is impossible to know what he really feels. He may not even know himself. If he really felt that way, why was he still with you? The fact that he has corresponded with other women as well indicates that he is not even completely into her! He is deluding her, you, and probably himself. I havent eaten the thought of food makes me sick. Sleep has been hard to do. I am feeling butterflies in my chest and the emotions keep changing in a fast pase. One second I am crying, then I am mad , then I am blaming myself, Then I am mad at the other women, and so on. I feel like I am on a rollercoster of feelings. All of these feelings are completely normal. You have a right to feel all thses things. The important thing to do is try not to let these emotions completely rule your life. They will temper some with time, but it will take a LOT of time. Try and get some protein shakes, you do need to try and eat something. Not eating at all will make it harder to cope with everything. I feel as though I am totally ruined by this. How will I ever trust again? All I ever wanted was a marriage that was full of love and trust. Was that to much to ask for? I hate so much what he has done but at the same time I still love him. Is this why this hurts so much? Will this feeling go away? Yes, the love you still have is part of why this hurts so badly. That and the fact that you cannot understand how someone who said and acted like they loved you could do this to you and your children. I know right now it feels like you will never be able to trust again, never be able to love again, but you can and you will. It will take a long time and it is not an easy path. You will need help and support to get to that point. Eventually you will feel like you have a normal life again. There are a few things you need to do right now. First, kick this guy out if you have not already. It sounds like you have tried to work on your marriage and to make things work and he is clearly not participating. Staying with him for the sake of your children is not what is best for them. You do not want to raise them in an environment of mistrust, betrayal, lies, and cheating. These are not the kinds of values you want them to learn. There have been studies done about kids whose parents stayed together just for their sake and many of those kids end up being adults with serious relationship issues. Second, seek counseling for yourself. LS is great and everyone here will give you a lot of support, but professional counseling is really helpful, it will be able to help you find ways of coping, and help you figure out what you want to do and how to go about doing it. Talk to friends or family as well that you know will be supportive, if you feel comfortable in doing so. I know that can be hard. Many times it is easier to talk to strangers! Third, make sure that you take care of yourself as best you can, and your children as well. They are probably very confused right now and hurting in their own way because at the very least they can see how badly you are hurting. You DON'T need to explain everything to them. A counselor will be able to help you know how much you should tell them if anything. But you do need to reassure them that you love them and that you are there for them. Finally, talk to a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and your children so you need to find out quickly what you should do and how you should go about doing it. You have been wronged here and you want to make sure that he does not hurt any of you any further. Hang in there honey! You CAN get through this, honestly! I know it does not feel like it right now, but you can! Keep posting!
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I'm in agreement with Lynna's good advice. The only thing I would add is to see a doctor as well. Your husband sounds fairly indiscriminant, and I very much doubt he'll give you an honest answer about what he's exposed you to. You need to be screened for STDs. It's also a good thing to let your doctor know that you're having alot of stress. Stress on the mind often results in stress on the body, which can result in depression.
East of Jupiter Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Have you sent the emails of all his other philandering to the OW yet? She won't believe it from you. Boy does this twist the monkey or what? So do you tell the OW that she is an OOW? I would. She needs to know as well and get tested.
lostboy60645 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hi there I'm very sorry to hear about this disaster in your life. As you can see above, there are a lot of people here who can offer support who have been through similar. I'd also like to chime in as someone who's regretfully had the sickness in the head that your husband seems to have. With over a year of 'recovery' and 'clean living' under my belt, I feel I have a bit of perspective on this that someone like me or your husband could not possibly have around the time of the offending behavior. You may have heard in healthcare emergencies that you need to know your 'ABCs'. That's airway, breathing, and circulation. Well, in my opinion, I think we have to have a similar understanding about emotional disasters for families, such as the one you and the kids are experiencing. First and foremost, you must have a medical evaluation and protect yourself from any STD's. Additionally, getting some legal advice on how to separate legally and protect your kids from him and any craziness that he may have is also important. Next, as mentioned above, getting a counselor who specializes in therapy from women married to sex addicts is crucial. What might be helpful is looking up a local therapist with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapy degree) and ask them for a referral. Often times those offices have the best recommendations for therapists in that category. Finally, defining some boundaries to have a safe and productive attempt at recovery for the next year or so at least is important--something your therapist and probably some of the people around her will help you with. Good luck in your journey. It's going to be the best for you, your children, and if he's lucky, for him too. My family is definitely better off today, more than a year after 'the fall' and although it's still painful, and we're getting a divorce, I feel that the future has a hope for me, my soon-to-be-ex and our kids moreso than ever. Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
Zona76 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I stuck with my EX because *I'm still trying to figure it out* Almost 30 years of it. I met another myself and found the great Joy and Beauty of a love that could bloom when reciprocated. Now I'm angry not with my ex but with myself for sticking it out for so long to have nothing given back. I had to figure out it wasn't his fault but mine. I was the one that needed to make the break. He's stupid to save the emails for you to see. Copy ALL these messeages that transpered. All you can find and take them to a lawyer. He/She will show you what to do and how you can come out ahead.
East of Jupiter Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I stuck with my EX because *I'm still trying to figure it out* Almost 30 years of it. I met another myself and found the great Joy and Beauty of a love that could bloom when reciprocated. Now I'm angry not with my ex but with myself for sticking it out for so long to have nothing given back. I had to figure out it wasn't his fault but mine. I was the one that needed to make the break. He's stupid to save the emails for you to see. Copy ALL these messeages that transpered. All you can find and take them to a lawyer. He/She will show you what to do and how you can come out ahead. Hey now! Cut it out! I can see being angry withourself to have to end your marriage. But why punish youself after he punished you for 30 years? Honey you look like a young, vibrant, beautiful woman. Stop looking backwards and enjoy the life you have now. ... and maybe we need to talk! I'm feeling like that at 20 years but still here. The only difference is that I have found great love in my life both with my husband and in the past. I am not looking to ever play house again with anyone. If I ever see myself single again, I don't see myself getting married or living with a man. I want a companion that after wining and dining me and satisfying my sexual needs will go home to clean his own house, wash his own clothes, cook his own meals and scrub his own toilet. Then again, that's me!
Author wifeandmotherlost1 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I also am seeing a lawyer next wed. so I am anxious to see what my options are. Things just seem to be getting worse. Lastnight I had to call the police. Looks like my husband had made a myspace account stating that he was 17 years old. He had sent messages back and forth to my 15 year old niece. I am soooooo disgusted. I don't even know what more to say about it. Thank you again. I am really glad I found this site. I will be definately coming back more often. God bless you all from the bottom of my heart.
Lynna Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Oh that is awful! I am so sorry! I hope they lock this guy up AND get him some therapy. He is VERY messed up. I hope he is no longer in the house with you and the children. We are here for you whenever you need to vent! Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!
PandorasBox Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I also am seeing a lawyer next wed. so I am anxious to see what my options are. Things just seem to be getting worse. Lastnight I had to call the police. Looks like my husband had made a myspace account stating that he was 17 years old. He had sent messages back and forth to my 15 year old niece. I am soooooo disgusted. I don't even know what more to say about it. Thank you again. I am really glad I found this site. I will be definately coming back more often. God bless you all from the bottom of my heart. :eek:Bless your heart. That is awful. Please hang in there and keep us updated. Hugs to you.
East of Jupiter Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I also am seeing a lawyer next wed. so I am anxious to see what my options are. Things just seem to be getting worse. Lastnight I had to call the police. Looks like my husband had made a myspace account stating that he was 17 years old. He had sent messages back and forth to my 15 year old niece. I am soooooo disgusted. I don't even know what more to say about it. Thank you again. I am really glad I found this site. I will be definately coming back more often. God bless you all from the bottom of my heart. I highly encourage you to get into IC. If you have children, you may want to eventually consider having them evaluated. You also should find a good support group that is geared towards abuse. There are a lot of great resources out there. As for your husband, I hope he meets his first OM in jail.
lostboy60645 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I'm so sorry to hear about this disasterous turn of events. My heart goes out to you and your family. Addicts are delusional. The dreadful truth is that some of those delusions can result in criminal behavior and warrant legal consequences. I commend you for your bravery regarding this matter. I'd consider your mental, spiritual and physical health to be in the 'intesive care unit' now on full life support. As such, be gentle with yourself and get the help you need. Keep coming back Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
Author wifeandmotherlost1 Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Hello. Just an update. I went to the doctor yesterday. I will be getting councling and I need to go to my gyno to get more tests done. I did get 13 blood tests taken and a urine test. My blood pressure was very high. They were concerned considering I usually have low blood pressure. And I have had a stroke. Now I just need to wait for results. They also gave me some meds for depression. Thank you again everyone!
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