SleepingWithTheEx Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Well 4 years ago I remarried to a wonderful man who has taken care of me since inception. I cannot say anything bad about him, except he works too much. Well, 2 months ago, I started having a liaison with my ex-husband and father of my two kids. It started when I asked my husband to watch my two kids and our child together for 1 hour while I go pick up my child support payment from my ex. He usually pays me cash. Well, while my hubby watched our kids, I was gone for about 3 hours and it was long because of something that sparked with me and the ex if you catch my drift.This is the most awful thing I think I have ever done to anyone. My hubby paid for vaginal rejuvenation after our child together and I feel so much more womanly than ever. Sex used to be pretty bland and awful because I was so big after giving birth thrice. My ex enjoys my newfound virgin-like body as well. I don't know what to do anymore or when to tell my husband the truth or if I even want to. I know he would leave me so I'm just carrying on this charade for as long as possible. DEAR GOD help me because I am so lost. My ex wants a relationship and I cannot give him anything more than sex right now. I am tired of feeling like crap and guilty for this and don't know where to turn.
LakesideDream Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I don't know what to do anymore or when to tell my husband the truth or if I even want to. I know he would leave me so I'm just carrying on this charade for as long as possible. DEAR GOD help me because I am so lost. My ex wants a relationship and I cannot give him anything more than sex right now. I am tired of feeling like crap and guilty for this and don't know where to turn. Oh dear Gawd. Divorced, re-married to a new man, have another kid, life is wonderful, prosperous and sane. Your new hubby buys you a snatch-patch to make you feel better.... and you just have to show of to the ex! Now you are sad because you can't give "anything more than sex" to your ex, presumably on your "cash" child support day.. which is a whole other can of worms. You are a piece of work. Tell your new husband, let him off the hook. Maybe he can find someone else who needs a little overhaul work, and live happily without you, then go back to your ex. Hopefully as successfully as the first time. What makes you think it's reasonable to play with three young childrens lives like this. You aren't very important, you have revealed who you are. Don't the children deserve a chance at a good life? Stop the nonesense.
luvstarved Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 You don't know if you "want to" tell your husband? Look I hate to jump down your throat but you need a dose of reality. You need to understand that life is not just about what you want and you are risking the emotional well-being of others, most notably your children, with your behavior. Because you're digging the cool new orgasms????? I have done similar stupid things long ago which is why I feel so strongly now I suppose. Forget the guilt and all of that. Yeah you're guilty, what's done is done...But admit that you've made a huge mistake and come clean. Do not continue to do this to your family. The sex might feel good but you are saying yourself that it is otherwise making you feel awful. That is going to only get worse and is going nowhere but straight toward misery, and the sex is not going to mask those feelings for much longer... I feel bad for you that you have made this terrible mistake but I hope that you can find the strength of character to do whatever you can to correct it...if that is even possible... You need to tell your husband.
Reckless Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 It sounds like the guilt is destroying your new relationship anyway and its only a matter of time before it all goes down the toilet. Hanging on and just being there in body but not in spirit will only make your man suffer more ... sit down (write it down if you really cannot face him straight off) and tell the truth. Face the music - beg (and be willing to work) for mercy maybe he won't leave you... people put up with all sorts for love. You really need to face the consequences of your actions and maybe this will stop you from hurtling head first into self destructive behaviour in future. Sorry but there is no easy way, R
lostboy60645 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Hi there First off, I apologize on behalf of those of us who don't believe in welcoming a new poster to this service by delivering 'tough love'. I'm new here myself, but I'm not new to the role of infidelity, unfortunately, and I come here to offer some experience and hope to those who are looking for it. That's not to say I don't have serious problems, nor is it to say that I'm qualified to offer this service, but I believe I am, in light of my more than 14 months of recovery work in this area. Anyway, that being said, I think you need to take a step back and take a deeeeep breath. Then do it again. Then think for a moment... Do you want to be like old Lostboy here and just vomit out the truth to the detriment of your new husband, your childrens' father, and your children, in addition to you? Or do you want to learn a little bit about this process of recovery from a bad situation and do this in a measured way? You made a decision to allow for something shameful to transpire. I know it's not easy to get past it. I've done it and I still struggle. However, it cannot be overstated that you may have done something shameful, but it does not make you unforgiveable. Yes, it may be unforgiveable to some. But you're not irreparable for yourself or the planet. With recovery plus time, you will be able to give some gifts back to the world and even yourself, but you must take the first step. Admit you were powerless over making this bad decision, and decide to be openminded to getting help. Next, I'd suggest finding a good therapist for yourself who has a CSAT degree--certified sex addiction therapist. And then, strongly consider going to slaa (sex and love addicts anonymous) www.slaafws.org . There you can begin to connect with individuals like you and me who are choosing to admit they have a problem and want to recover from it. There are other "s" groups like www.sa.org and www.saa-recovery.org. They may be equally helpful or moreso, depending on who you are and where you live. I know it's a leap of faith, but hey, you asked and I'm answering. I'm sure for as many people there are on this board, there are at least twice as many opinions. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that even those of us who have done wrong have value. We have caused carnage in many ways to many people. There are many who will never forgive us. But the one who has to for give you most, is you. And Whatever/Whomever you believe Created the Universe. By the way, none of those 12 step programs are religious based per se. They speak of a "Higher Power" of your understanding. Feel free to check out my blog for more information on how to ruin a family and then recover. All the best Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
luvstarved Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I certainly hope that lostboy was not apologizing on my behalf as I personally take full responsibility for my own actions and do not need a higher power to evaluate them!! Listen I did not mean to imply that you are an irrevocable piece of crap but your tone was very selfish ("I am tired" "if I want")...and it sounded like you needed a little wake up call...as I said I do feel bad for you but you do need to do the right thing by your family. I agree with Lostboy that you need to consider HOW you are going to do this and perhaps some form of counseling would be the right thing to do. If it were me, I would end things with the ex RIGHT NOW (no just "one more time") and write out a letter to my H and work on it until I got it as right as I could, with clarity and with the selfishness leached out as much as possible. If you could manage it, try to make an appointment with some kind of counselor or clergy or whatever works to review the letter and edit again...to give your marriage the best shot possible. As far as the love addicts and 12-step thing, that might work for you. I tried both SLAA and AA at various points in my spotty past and I found the SLAA to be more populated by porn and stripper/prostitute addicts than anything else, and it is noble that they seek help, but I felt that I did not belong in that group...the membership could vary I suppose. My H has been in AA for over 20 years (he is himself, in fact a certified addictions counselor) and swears by it and I know it has helped millions but it did not do anything for me either. Everyone's different and most things are worth a try, but...just to say that you need to not presume that there is a panacea out there; you need to find whatever works for you, it is out there somewhere. If you wanted to, you could even try posting a letter here for opinions. Sure they will vary and conflict in places, but you probably need all the input you can get, and use what feels right to you. I do wish you the best. I have been there, too, and it's not a fun place, even though it looked like one at first.
Bryanp Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? I guess he dosen't because he has too much respect for you. It is sad that you have so little respect for your new husband and that you are so into humiliating and betraying him and your marriage vows. So this is how you repay your new husband for everything he has done for you? You don't even have the decency to be honest with your husband as to what you have done and what your are doing. You are a real piece of work. How can you have such distain for your new husband?
Cobra_X30 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Now what can you say to a post like that? I hope this is just a troll. Plus your H didnt notice the extra 2 hours, just to grab some money?
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