shockandawed Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 For the first time since my breakup with my fiance last December, I am getting rather interested in a great woman. I am a little unsure how to navigate this properly. You see, I was married for 18 years, met in college. After my divorce, I met my ex-fiance and was with her for almost 3 years. As soon as we began talking, I knew I was the only person in her life. We chatted on IM daily almost non stop until we finally met. At that point, we were in a relationship. I have had little experience as an adult at defining the relationship or developing it properly. As kids, you always had the "official" proclamation at the beginning, going steady or whatever you called it. We broke up in December. I had started dating soon after that. Tried to be casual and it was too soon. As the months have gone by, my heartache has lessened but my dating success has not improved by much. To date, I have gone out with 31 different women since December, actually most of them since March. I have not been impressed with most. A couple I thought had potential disappeared, but for the most part, I have just not felt it. I met a girl online who really didn't stand out. She was nice, seemed like we had some things in common but not that initial, OMG...anyway, I agreed to meet her and went there with little to no expectations. Of course, you know how it went. She blew me away!! I can't define it, but the chemistry felt great. We had a casual drink or two and I walked her to her car. A nice good night kiss and that was it. I left the next day for a work trip. I called her once during that week and exchanged a couple of text messages. When I got back, I asked her out. We had a dinner and she came back by my house for a bit. Nothing other than sitting on my deck, a little kissing and talking. We went a few days and I asked her to a friends party on Friday. She agreed, we went and had a ball. It was a two night affair at his business/bar. Everyone really liked her and she fit right in with my friends. The party was also going on Sat night. She had made plans to go out with a friend but said she would stop by if she could get the friend to. Well, she did and they seemed to have a good time. We danced some and she again showed affection. Obvious good signs. Other facts, we met online. We have not discussed our relationship or profiles, but I have noticed hers is no longer searchable. Still there, but not searchable. She has also given me a tour of her home and introduced me to her son. All favorable signs. Here is my question. When do you crank it up a notch? I am getting where I want to talk to her everyday. Not cling or keep her from her friends, just low dosages of how is your day, etc? Due to travel comittments with my job, I wouldn't be able to see her again until next weekend. I don't want to go out of site and out of mind, and I don't want to ask her for plans this early. But I want to communicate with her. Is a daily, short and sweet call too much after 4 dates? It's very rare for me to find someone that makes me feel like this and I don't want to jump too fast and scare her. But I am quickly getting more and more attracted to her as a relationship.
Author shockandawed Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 Nobody has any advise on how and when to move a relationship up a notch???????????????????????
Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I don't want to ask her for plans this early. But I want to communicate with her. Then why don't you just do that? Upping the amount of communication IS taking it up a level, however innocuous it seems. Is a daily, short and sweet call too much after 4 dates? Ease into it. Try calling for two days straight, and then not for the third. And then call again for three days, then not for one. Then for four, and not for one...until... That all said, if she's as into you as you are into her, wanting to communicate more and see her soon is NOT going to scare her away...
katiebour Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Why don't you ask her? ShockandAwed: Talking to you makes my day so much brighter- would it be all right with you if I gave you a call a few times a week to chat? Girl: Awww, how sweet! Of course, I'd love to talk to you too!
cr8sea Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Honestly WHERE in the world are available men like you that want something clean and honest!!!!! I think that the whole calling thing is more about how connected u feel with her and if u feel she's feeling it too. Honestly if you feel is too soon, it is. Maybe not for you, but you might feel that she isnt giving you the "i want you i want you now" vibes, so take heed. Once you BOTH reach that point, you will be comfortable enough to not even think about if its ok to call. Oh and do let her know i say she's one lucky girl for having a man wanting something honest with her for a change!!!
Author shockandawed Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 You all are way too sweet, thanks for the kind words. I have come to the realization I am screwed up here. Never experienced anything like this. I met my ex wife in college, got married and spent the next 18 years together. When we got divorced, I grieved some, but I was excited to get out and see what I had been missing. I still had my self confidence. I had a pretty easy time getting dates. When I met my ex-fiance, of course, she threw herself at me so I never had to play the guessing games. I had to play plenty of other games, but not that. I think what has me so screwed up is not the breakup, but how strange many of the women I have met since have acted. I have had at least 4 occasions where I start talking to a woman who I seem to have a click with. Multiple and long phone calls, then a sudden disappearance. Usually abrupt and with no signs. Maybe a date or two, but never 4. I have not had any strong feelings for anyone until I met this girl. Yes, I felt some of the ones I just mentioned had potential, but never like this..and the funny thing is we have never had the long and deep phone calls like I have had. But our dates are so much better. I have literally been depressed the last two days. Not able to eat, pit in my stomach depressed. This is crazy. This is where I should have butterflies, but instead, I feel like I have met a girl with more potential than I have ever went out with, and that it doesnt matter because she will end it soon. She hasn't done anything to warrant that thought. She has given me 4 dates in under 2 weeks and has removed her profile from searchable. She just isn't clingy nor real talkative if I try to call her. I did send her a text today, just wishing her a good day, and she replied fairly quick. Nothing more than her day was busy also, but a response. I have been swamped with work out of town. I feel like a relationship is possible. I mean someone doesn't go out with someone 4 times and show affection if she doesn't have some attraction to him. But I feel like it is a minefield, possible to get through, but I have to take several correct steps. One wrong move, and kabamm..off she goes. Does any of this make sense?
katiebour Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 ShockandAwed, I know what you're talking about. I met a really nice guy before I moved to South Dakota- we went on a bunch of dates and were both seemingly besotted with each other. He wanted to hold off on the physical until we knew each other better, so we just watched movies a lot, cuddled, and kissed occasionally. I was so excited- I was thinking "So there IS life after a breakup!" And then he just completely disappeared. Stopped responding to emails, phone, did not call me for 3 weeks. After calling a few times each week, I finally just came to the conclusion that he didn't like me THAT much and it was over with. Dating is very scary- you wonder if you'll ever meet another person that you'll care about as much as the ones you broke up with, and when you meet someone you like, you're so afraid that they will leave. When I met my current b/f, we were both incredibly enthusiastic about being with one another. We took our online profiles down immediately, spent a lot of time together, talked and visited constantly. My relationships that have lasted a significant period of time have all been like that- the infatuation on both sides making us irresistible to one another. All of the dates that I had that didn't pan out had a distinct lack of excitement on one side or the other. You just have to go with the flow, accept it if it doesn't work, and play the numbers. If you date enough people, sooner or later you will meet someone who is completely into you. If this one doesn't work out, sooner or later another one will. *Hugs* :bunny:
Author shockandawed Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Thanks Katie, That is really strange... I just don't get it. I guess the one difference here is she is pretty affectionate when we are together..not hanging all over, but some long and nice kissess. She got pregnant young (19) and married. Some crap in the relationship and has been divorced about 4 years. Went back to college and got a degree. Dated two people in that time, one lied to her about his personal like, ie..married and another just disappeared on her. She made the comment to me that guys usually just disappear on her. So I think she just may be hesitant herself. Like I said, her profile is hidden, not removed and that was without me asking her, and we have had 4 dates in two weeks. Unfortunately, the last two we were never alone. I haven't talked with her since Saturday, we chatted briefly on IM on Sunday twice and exchanged a basic text yesterday. I will call her tonight and ask her out this weekend. If I get a 5th date and it is going well, I may try the "what are your thoughts about us". talk.
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