Hurt & Alone Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I often wonder the meaning behind what my XMM has stated to me. In a conversation, when all was said and done , I approached him on feelings and during the conversation he brought up that we were only together 3.5 months and his W and H were together 30 years. In turn I asked him the if I was just a piece of a** and he truly did not have any feelings for me (even though he was the intiator of telling me how he felt about me). He stated that I was not and he does care for me, intially he stated Love. I believe that he interchanges the two, but have the same meaning. I truly believe that when a person loves or cares for another, time does not play a factor in the equation and therefore should not be thrown into anothers face. It has been eight weeks since the W found out. I have tried the N/C but have failed miserably. I have tried keeping a journal (it is almost full) and it has not seemed to help. I have talked to freinds (no help), couseling was useless. I started chatting/reading here, has helped a little but still does not take away the memories/pain/questions/longing etc. I called him on Wensday, of course he got pissed I called but I told him I did not expect him to answer and was just going to leave a message. I asked if if it was real? He still continues to state it was real, but in the past and he has shut off the past few months so that he can move on with his life and wanted me to do the same. I am finding this very difficult to do. I am completly disfunctional and find that I am stuck with memories that keep haunting me, although I try really hard to shake them of they will not disappear. I will have this week to myself, my daughter is at my mothers, school does not start back until the 27th of Aug. I hope that I can pull my life back together this week. It is very difficult to understand how a person can just shut off all feelings. But again, I believe that love is love and does not have time contraints.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 You can't compare feelings of 3.5 months to a 30 year marriage. You just can't. Their love has grown and it's not just about feeling good in the moment, day to day...It's long term and involves everything and everybody. They share so much, together, inlaws, family, kids, house, friends, entwined in eachothers lives...Ups and downs, good the bad and the ugly. They have a long history together and to compare that to feelings that just started to grow (you and him) isn't fair. He did care about you, he liked you, maybe even started falling inlove with you, but, bottomline, he loves his wife and his life as it is more. I'm sure he was emotionally attached to you, and it was intense...But, even that, cannot be compared to a 20 year marriage filled with so much history. Respect his choice to stay married, respect his choice to want to go into NC with you. yes, it hurts you, but honestly, you have no choice BUT to do NC. If you call him again, or contact him again, it will only piss him off and KILL off any nice feelings he once had for you. Hope this helps.
Cliche Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I think it is the old security vs. passion thing. The years of "love" may not make the difference, but the 30 years of a life together do. For your sake, if he has asked you to move on, please do whatever it takes to do so. (((hugs)))
Author Hurt & Alone Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Thank you for your insight. I think I may have come off the wrong way with the question. I completly understand 30 years with someone is no way compared to our A. I guess what I am trying to figure out is if he truly had feelings for me. When he threw the amount of time up in my face. Almost like saying it holds no water and then shuts off feelings (again not understanding this concept). I truly am trying to move on and I am trying any and all advice it is just not working. I had posted in another thread how the feelings I have for him are like no other, not even my ex-husband. This emotion is so strong and I dont know how to undo it. It would have been easier for him to tell me I was just a piece. I can handel those. I have even gone out with other men since him. They just dont compare to him. i told XMM that because of him I will be single forever because now I have raised the bar and no one has come even close to the way you had made me feel. Just trying to figure it all out.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 If he told you he did have feelings for you, would you believe him? Would you accept his answer? If so, then why not just look at it this way, you were with him for 3.5 months. He was your friend, your lover and you had an affair with him - He did care...You make yourself believe that! By doing that, it will help to give you the closure you need. told XMM that because of him I will be single forever because now I have raised the bar and no one has come even close to the way you had made me feel. Noone can make you decide to be single. That's your choice. If you let this get in the way of finding another love later in the future, that's not the MM's fault. You gotta take control of your own life's choices and not put it on someone else. You allowed yourself to become very emotionally attached to him, almost in an unhealthy way if you 'need' him to make yourself 'feel' good. That's not a good thing. Like a drug addict needing another fix. Stay strong, seek some counselling if you need to help you cope better. If he was such a great and wonderful guy to begin with, he never would have allowed an affair to happen from the get-go. He is a cheater and he betrayed his wife.
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