tookastand Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I've been reading here awhile, but this is my first post. I need advice please. I finally initiated NC with my MM (8 + yr R). When we met he told me he was divorced and he even told me the details (horrible lie his W had told him) as to why they divorced. It was always a long distance relationship, so I believed him..... Well, almost 3 years into our R, I found out he was still M. I was so in love with him I ended up taking him back. I know I ended up making this even harder/worse. I should have stuck to my guns then but I was too weak.. So now, I can tell he's distancing although he still calls every day. I've heard all the lines "Once the kids are in college I'll be free" and "I havent' slept with the W in years" and "Once my finances are better", you know.... So, I decided this is too painful and I asked for NC on Friday night. I knew what would happen, but I was so hoping he would say what I needed and wanted to hear. But he didn't! He said "OK". He wants me "to be happy". I am so crushed. I need to know this - that it is so easy for him to walk away, but it hurts so much!!! And now I just keep hoping he will call me ~ and he's not, obviously..... How do you get through this?? In my head I know it's for the best. But it's been 8 years of talking to him every day! Now this cold turkey is killing me. And I certainly don't want to break the NC because I'll look even worse.....UGH Any advice??? Will he eventually miss me enough and call? Or is he taking this chance now to cut and hoping I won't tell the W (which I never never would - that's a whole other thread)..
Tomcat33 Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hello Tookastand. Firstly congratulations you are living up to your name. Though it may not feel like it at times now, you did the absolute best you could do for yourself. When those negative feelings and the insecurities start to overpower your daily thoughts it is definitely time to take action and you did just that you should feel proud that you did it since it is extremely hard to do. Good for you girl! I know it seems impossible now and I know you have a million questions as to why it appears he is moving on so quickly and it is so easy for him to do while you are suffering immmensely? Let me fill you in on a little secret you want to hear from him but more than likely won't, but take my word for it it's true, he IS suffering. It sounds like when your guy started to pull away he was having thoughts of maybe ending this A since it may have become too much work for him. So let me help you understand the stages of what might be going on with him. At first he will feel relief, as you are witnessing now by his alloof actions. He will feel at ease that he no longer has to lie and live two lives. Fine. In time and if you stick to your guns and follow through with NC in a strict manner I can tell you what will happen to him. His life will start to settle in and he will slowly start to allow himself to think of you, and that's when the feelings will surface for him, they ususally go into the depression at this point because once he has the security that his life is back the emptyness sinks in and focus changes again. He might even try to contact you because they ALWAYS do come sniffing around only months after, sometimes it only takes weeks. Mine was sniffing around weeks after we ended and he never really did break the NC sincethough he does not get response from me anymore. We have been apart nearly 5 months. But that should not be your goal, your goal should be YOU. Now you, you need to start from today to focus on you. The first month will be the hardest. You have been with this man for a long time and the shock of not having him in your life is extremely big, so be prepared to feel as you are but know that life will and does get much easier. I promise you that. I know you don't feel it now, and I know even as you are reading words here your mind is one track..."when will he call" IT's ok that is the part of your brain that is deprived of his presense and like any thing that helps our bodies function the brain will send signals to feed it that particular thing so that your body can function. But unlike food or water or sleep or any important part of what makes our bodies funtion recognize you do NOT need him to function your brain thinks this now just as brain thinks cocaine is needed from a drug addict. Cry a lot, and I highly highly recommend writing or journaling. Tell him everything you want say and put it in writing and don't send the letters. You will see that at the end of each session it will feel just as though you would have spoken to him because what you need is to get it out of your head not really speak to him. You will probably need closure sooner or later and have a million questions and in time you will find a way to get your closure but focus on one thing at a time. Take baby steps towards your ultimate goal you are learning to walk again and you are walking in a calculated manner, but in time and as you gain your strenth back it will come naturally to you. You can always turn here and turn to the people of LS for sound words and just find an ear who will listen. But do stay in focus and don't break your pact. It is the only way you will regain your strength back and be able to take control of yourself and your life. It's not an easy road but it is a VERY rewarding one. I know, I was there, and I'm here now with so much insight strength and possibly the most self confidence I have felt my whole life. I have always been a confident person but being able to overcome something as hard as this will offer you a lot of pain but once you overcome it it gives you a renewed sense of self. Something for you to TOTALLY look forward to, it's exciting in and of itself. You need to believe in yourself again and in your life again, without this destructive obstacle in it. The one positive thing you have about having been with him for so long is that you are not trying to break the cylce while you are falling in love, that proves to be the hardest of all tasks. And yes this is still hard because you are used to being with him you have shared a lot more but your rational mind is more prone to help you out in a circumstance as this than when you are in the midst of the falling in love stage. Nothing will seem like words enough for you now, so just follow what you decided on and have the certainty that it's the best thing you could have done for yourself in a long time. You took the first step towards loving yourself again, and your soul will thank you for it in a matter of time in a very big way, even though your brain might be telling you otherwise now. The only way to get past today is just to ride it out and go through the greiving period. You cannot avoid it you cannot rush it but you don't want to leave yourself in that for ever, you just have to use your super powers to stay on track and I know you CAN do it. time and patience is your best friend right now, just embrace it.
Freedom Now Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 If my situation is anything remotely like yours, he WILL contact you.... over and over and over again.
raslers Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 You can do this. I just started no contact. It is one of the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent 4 years with this man. I love him very much. My brain is definetly still in the withdrawal stage. It's like quitting drinking (which I did in January 05). This is harder. I live in a small enough town that it's inevitable that we will run into each other. I spent the weekend surrounding myself with people that build me up. No one knows what I have been doing for 4 years. I am very ashamed and know I have to go throught this alone. There is one thing though.....you have support here at LS. When it's tough for me I read and read and read here. Most everyone has had similar experiences and the experiences that are shared have helped me to realize that seeing a MM is a no win situation. It may seem wonderful in the beginning, but you will never be #1 in this man's life and you deserve to be. I actually settled with the idea that I would be #2 and never even thought about asking this man to leave his W. Why would I ever do that to myself? I deserve better. WE ALL DO!!! Remember that we are all here to help and support you. Each day is a day closer to happiness. You will feel happy again. You also deserve love from someone that can give it to you with their whole heart. Remember that.
overandout Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I know it seems impossible now and I know you have a million questions as to why it appears he is moving on so quickly and it is so easy for him to do while you are suffering immmensely? Let me fill you in on a little secret you want to hear from him but more than likely won't, but take my word for it it's true, he IS suffering. It sounds like when your guy started to pull away he was having thoughts of maybe ending this A since it may have become too much work for him. So let me help you understand the stages of what might be going on with him. At first he will feel relief, as you are witnessing now by his alloof actions. He will feel at ease that he no longer has to lie and live two lives. Fine. In time and if you stick to your guns and follow through with NC in a strict manner I can tell you what will happen to him. His life will start to settle in and he will slowly start to allow himself to think of you, and that's when the feelings will surface for him, they ususally go into the depression at this point because once he has the security that his life is back the emptyness sinks in and focus changes again. He might even try to contact you because they ALWAYS do come sniffing around only months after, sometimes it only takes weeks. Mine was sniffing around weeks after we ended and he never really did break the NC sincethough he does not get response from me anymore. We have been apart nearly 5 months. But that should not be your goal, your goal should be YOU. Listen to Tomcat33 above, this is exactly as it is. The relief of finally stopping the lies and the stress the affair brings in their lives, eventually gives way to the mundane predictability in their marriage which spurred them into the affair in the first place. If you had continued with this, it just becomes a vicious circle. Congratulations for geting off the merry-go-round and realising that you are number two in his life and you deserve to be number one. If he isn't going to change his life there is no reason why you can't change your's.
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