annie0215 Posted March 8, 2003 Posted March 8, 2003 [font=times new roman][/font][color=indigo][/color] I am not bipolar myself, but my boyfriend was just recently diagnosed with it. And he is taking it really hard. And there is nothing I can do to help him. There are times that I will ask him a question and he becomes very short with me. And throws attitude my way. I know that there is nothing he can do about it. But lately I have been getting really stressed, because I cant help him. I go to sleep crying every night. And I have actually had second thoughts about being with him. We have talked about marriage, so I know that he loves me, but it is really hard on me. Am I just being selfish? Can anyone give me any advice??
Tony T Posted March 8, 2003 Posted March 8, 2003 Living with a person who is bipolar, even when they have achieved a good medication regimen in the right dose, can put your life in a tailspin of unpredictability and heartbreak. Their moodiness, unpredictability and inability to carry on normally...at least in certain stages of the disease and on numbers days, the suicide attempts, the rapid cycling followed by bouts of severe depression, their sleepless nights, etc. can ruin your life forever. There is no way of predicting if he will get better or worse but, in general, you can bet that if you stick around the quality of your life will go down significantly and you will probably end up an enabler in a highly codependent relationship. I'd advise you to have a talk with his doctor, in private, to see just what the prognosis is. Be prepared to ask him questions...and then make a decision on whether you want to endure the consequences of his disease or move on down the road. I personally would not want to get sucked into this. I've been around a few bipolar people and it's not pleasant. But I'm sure there are exceptions and that's what you've got to find out.
moimeme Posted March 9, 2003 Posted March 9, 2003 If you decide to stay with him, don't try to go it alone. There are online support groups, lots of books, and probably a local support group for partners of people with mental illnesses. People do learn how to live with bipolar partners, but it isn't easy. Not everybody is bipolar to the same degree; some manage quite well with meds and others do not. Don't make a hasty decision; do your research, maybe join a group or two, and see how it goes with him on meds if you really care about this guy.
HokeyReligions Posted March 9, 2003 Posted March 9, 2003 I agree w/ Moimeme, I have 3 people in my family with diagnosed bipolar disease. (2 blood relatives & one by marriage) One of them I cannot deal with for a lot of reasons - one of which is that when she is "up" she doesn't feel she needs her meds, or she adjusts the dosage herself, then becomes totally unreasonable. That is pretty typical of people with this disease. The other person takes her meds regularly and I have learned how to interpret some of the signals of a downward spiral and I adjust myself accordingly -- I know when to leave her alone, I know when to put my foot down and stay with her even when she claims to want to be alone. The third person is still in the cycle of trying to find the right meds in the right doses. He is handling it okay, but I haven't learned enough of his signals to really adjust my own behavior patterns. I have been to counseling with all of them, and on my own. I also agree with Tony, this is a difficult disease and it doesn't go away. It may be heartbreaking now, and you may even feel guilty for just thinking of leaving him, but you do have an opportunity to learn about the disease, go to counseling with and without him, and make a realistic decision for your future. I can't say that it will get easier, it may become more difficult. The doctors won't even be able to tell you what route your bf's illness will take - there is no predicitbility with this disease. I'm so sorry that you are both going through this, I know the tears that lie ahead for you both. I had no choice but to deal with the two people I am related to, and one, like I said, I have totally distanced myself from. But it was the history I had of dealing with this disease that made me choose to accept and be involved with the in-law. Good Luck with this and please do as suggested - find out more, talk to doctors and find a support group so you know what you may be up for.
Ally Boo Posted March 10, 2003 Posted March 10, 2003 I mean, its hard enough just being FRIENDS with someone who is extremely bipolar. I couldn't imagine being in love with one. I guess it just depends on how much you care about them, and how willing you are to have an open mind. If you are looking for a "normal" relationship, then you'd DEFINATELY wanna think long and hard about this.
Your_Angel Posted March 10, 2003 Posted March 10, 2003 From a personal experince that you can read about in the coping section. I'm telling you to get away from that relationship. I had to do, i know it seems very sad at the time and it still is for me but in the long run its for the best
cindy0039 Posted April 5, 2003 Posted April 5, 2003 I have to say that I'm saddened and appalled by these responses, especially from Tony. I was diagnosed as bipolar almost 6 years ago and yes, at first it was very difficult and I was hospitalized for 3 days for the diagnosis and to get me on the correct meds. The doctors wanted to keep me longer but my wonderful and loving husband insisted on bringing me home and taking care of me, while treating me as "normal" and not some kind of freak, like some people seem to think all bipolars are. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones who hasn't had a lot of adjusting to do as far as medications and I've done well on them. I do not have severe highs and lows, and have NOT attempted suicide -- unlike some people believe, it is not a foregone conclusion with the diagnosis. My father committed suicide when I was 19 years old, and he was an alcoholic, so evidently I have inherited this disorder. But the difference is that I have gotten help for it, take my medications as prescribed and have a loving and supportive family who I know would NEVER desert me just because I'm bipolar. I'm sure there are times when I'm not the easiest to live with, but who is? There are people who have diabetes who have to adjust their lifestyle for the rest of their lives as well. It's a condition that you have to read a lot about, learn a lot about, and go to support groups and/or therapy to learn to deal with it, as well as having someone help you through the bad times and to make sure you are taking your medications as prescribed. They can help by watching any changes and helping you report those to your psychiatrist as well. There are so many ways a spouse or significant other can stay involved and supportive without coddling or treating the person like they're crazy. But don't think that you can "fix" them because you can't. My advise to you for now would be to get some books on the subject and read, read, read. Good luck and feel free to email me anytime. ~Cindy~
cindy0039 Posted April 5, 2003 Posted April 5, 2003 I wanted to add this: You've probably been around a lot more bipolar people than you realize, it's just that the ones who are being treated and managed properly, you would have no idea they ARE bipolar. Nobody knows I am unless I choose to tell them.
Tony T Posted April 5, 2003 Posted April 5, 2003 There is absolutely no need to defend the fact that you have bipolar mood disorder. If you will read my post carefully, you will see that I stated there are exceptions and that I advised the lady to talk to her guy's doctor to see just what his prognosis is. I stand firmly behind the post I made. As I stated before, I personally have enough problems of my own to get sucked into someone else's. While I would not become involved with someone in this situation, others are certainly free to do so. I would have them for a friend as long as it didn't drain me. I'm very happy you are doing well on your medication. You have to understand that there are varying degrees of this disorder, which is a neurological disease rooted in the biochemistry of the brain. As in every malady in the universe, some people do better than others. God Bless You!!!
cindy0039 Posted April 5, 2003 Posted April 5, 2003 Tony - You obviously misunderstood my post. I am not DEFENDING the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I was simply trying to give my own response to the woman's post, from the perspective of someone who actually has the disorder as opposed to someone who in numerous posts states that he is not a medical expert, yet when it suits him seems to spout off medical jargon and give predictions on conditions, such as in this case. I guess this is the part of your post that I had the biggest problem with: "Living with a person who is bipolar, even when they have achieved a good medication regimen in the right dose, can put your life in a tailspin of unpredictability and heartbreak. Their moodiness, unpredictability and inability to carry on normally...at least in certain stages of the disease and on numbers days, the suicide attempts, the rapid cycling followed by bouts of severe depression, their sleepless nights, etc. can ruin your life forever." It simply casts such a negative light on things as to make one believe there is simply no hope for their loved one and that their life will be forever ruined if they stay with them. Nothing could be further from the truth. And I am not the rare exception to the rule. I'm sorry if maybe you've had a bad experience with someone who was bipolar, but don't condemn us all. I am a realist and I do realize that there are SOME cases (which of course the media likes to sieze upon) where folks with severe cases of bipolar or those who refuse to take their medications or have become addicts of one kind or another have extreme behavior problems. Those are the ones who should be hospitalized and stabilized and not left to roam the streets, I agree. But the vast majority of "us" can easily live in mainstream society and do very well. I thank God every day that not everybody has your attitude!
Just A Girl2 Posted April 5, 2003 Posted April 5, 2003 You are absolutely correct in what you share, Cindy. I think it's really sad when people are able to accept a person's physical illness, but there's such negative stigma attached to a mental illness. And you are darn tootin' right that not everyone with manic depressive illness is a basketful of highs and lows and constant mood swings and suicidal ideations and attempts. There are many people out there with this disease who you wouldn't even know it. There are plenty of people out there who are very well managed with their medication(s) and you'd never know they were manic depressive. Ever. Sure, there are some who aren't that lucky, but that surely isn't an accurate representation. I think it's sad when people considering writing off another human being, all because they are diagnosed with someone that's beyond their control. They are still a human being with feelings and needs and things to offer. Hell, it's surely not like they ended up with manic depression because they didn't take care of themselves or lead an unhealthy life. Look at all the people out there who are morbidly obese, from years of unhealthy eating, fast food, no exercise, etc......and they end up with heart problems, diabetes, back problems, etc etc........hell, they DID this to themselves by not taking care of the body they were given...yet do we turn them away? Not nearly as often as we turn away those with mental illness. A shame. Cindy, your post is a good one and I am glad you shared it here. Let it give hope and knowledge to anyone who's reading who might encounter a friend or family member who will one day be diagnosed with this........let your experiences and what you've shared be a light of hope that just because someone's diagnosed with this, that it's not synonymous with all the negative things that are sadly attributed to people with this. Kudos!! (check your PM/inbox :-)
cindy0039 Posted April 6, 2003 Posted April 6, 2003 Bipolar (manic depression) is a chronic illness characterized by periods of highs (the manic side of the illness) and periods of devastating lows (the depressive side of the illness). [color=red]If left undiagnosed and untreated[/color], it can lead to lost jobs, broken relationships, even suicide. Those are the key words to keep in mind. With the proper treatment, bipolar disorder can be effectively managed and a person can lead a normal life.
lindalou612001 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Annie--well I will tell you that I am bipolar and have been for about the last 7 years. My boyfriend was unable to handle my being bipolar and I have not been able to have a relationship since. It is a very difficult problem for significant others to deal with as well as for the person who has the problem. I know that in the 7 years that I have had it, my psychiatrist is still having trouble finding the right dosage of medication to work for me. I am just barely holding down my job at this point. Don't feel that you are being selfish...you can be supportive for your boyfriend until it becomes too difficult for you to be supportive...maybe it won't, who knows? You might find that you can be stronger about it than you think. Linda
kirkyswife Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Annie I was diagnosed Bipolar on April 8, 2004. I have had a hard time accepting my mental illness but have a sense of relief that I am able to define what causes my severe mood swings. I am under the care of a physician and a talk therapist and have spent a great deal of time (especially during manic episodes) researching my disorder and find that this disorder is the lesser of all evils as it is the sign of a genius - which I have always proclaimed to be., I want you to know that being with someone who lives with Bipolar requires dedication and commitment; compassion and patience; support from other people who share your experiences. If you have talked about marriage I strongly suggest you focus on his meds and therapy BEFORE revisiting this. You are now looking at a long frustrating process as not every med & dosage manages the varying degrees of anxiety, depression and mania. If you feel you are not up to the challenge I suggest you make your exit relatively soon, because the loss of a loved one may cause a person to cycle through intense depression and mania. His mind is full of many things right now - but I could almost bet that the most important thought is do I look crazy, do people think I am really crazy, am I crazy. I DON'T WANT TO BE CRAZY. I experience extremely long manic episodes (3 to 5 days) which affects my ability to sleep despite my sleeping pills - I have had only 12 hours worth of sleep in the last week. I take Depakote and Wellbutrin yet I still experience high degrees of manic episodes over depression. During these times I research my disorder, attend online law school and I am writing a book. I used to create business plans and have about 37 of them created between January 2004 to April 2004 - this is a lifelong disorder and you must decide how this relates to you and your dreams for your future. In the mean time, I offer the following websites for you and your boyfriend to connect with other people living with bipolar disorder - I hope you find them educational and resourceful. I wish you both peace and blessings. http://forums.about.com/ab-bipolar/start/ http://www.bipolarforum.org/forum/ http://support4hope.com/bipolar_disorder/index.htm http://www.mhsource.com/bipolar/ http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html#contents http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html#contents Tony - I wanted to let you know that I was very disappointed at your post below. I didn't asked to get "sucked" into this either but gosh - it just doesn't seem as bad as schizophrenia, or any other mental illness. It's just sad to read this - it makes me feel like I am going to be alone (once my divorce is final) for the rest of my life because no one will be able to understand or cope with my moods. There is no way of predicting if he will get better or worse but, in general, you can bet that if you stick\ around the quality of your life will go down significantly and you will probably end up an enabler in a highly codependent relationship. I'd advise you to have a talk with his doctor, in private, to see just what the prognosis is. Be prepared to ask him questions...and then make a decision on whether you want to endure the consequences of his disease or move on down the road. I personally would not want to get sucked into this. I've been around a few bipolar people and it's not pleasant. But I'm sure there are exceptions and that's what you've got to find out Tony -WOW! I guess this might explain why my husband left me with no notice, no communication - nothing.
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Kirkyswife - I highly recommend you look at the dates of the threads you reply to. This is an old, old thread. The last response before the one just prior to yours was April of 2003.
ConfusedSoul Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 what your going through this guy i dated was bipolor what a trip that was i hope you stick round longer then i did i couldent stand the likes me one min not the next crap
lindalou612001 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Confused--I think someone said this is an old thread that we are all posting to and that was probably my fault because I'm new on here. In any case, I can relate to what you are saying only I'm the one who is bipolar, not my ex...he just couldn't handle it anymore--not knowing how I was going to be from one minute to the next. I am a very rapid cycler and it became really difficult for him. Linda
kirkyswife Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Post: 15 | Quote: Kirkyswife - I highly recommend you look at the dates of the threads you reply to. This is an old, old thread. The last response before the one just prior to yours was April of 2003. Well Gosh Moi - Jeez what can I say - I'm emotional right now - be nice to me
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