nasdxxx Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hi, I am in anew relationship. slightly over a month. Me and him have known eachother for over sixteen years as bestfriends . We grew up in same nieghbourhood and went to school together and sat together etc. We met recently when he is back home on holiday. I am hruting so much because of the absence... He had to go back to college which is thousands of miles and we are unable to meet auntil about December or janaury 2008, due to conlficting college schedules. we both in collgee. I ahd just broken out of a one year relationship and my ex is actively hunting me up sometimes on an hourly basis, (Please dont ask me if he has nothing else to do. He perhaps chooses to reaarange his priorities). I feel so vulnerbale right now that i feel i could end up falling into my ex's lap even when i know its not what i would want to see myself doing or even dreaming that i did. I left my ex, because of conflicting priorities and placed my emetions elsewhere.... I am ina relationship that i wnat now. I just dont know how to fight off the temptation which is in my face everyday... Why does love hurt so much like this... and Do i tell my boyfriend about my vulnerability.... will it help if i opened up or will it bring up issues of doubt, him worrying everyday that i might run back to my ex who lives twenty minutes away from me..
shockandawed Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Are you and your new boyfriend exclusive? I mean you are both facing the issues of separation. What has been discussed? He is dealing with the same loneliness that you are. How horrible would it be if he is sucking it up and staying faithful while you cave in to your ex? It sounds like you have a great thing going here, I mean you were best friends for all these years and now are together. Opportunities like that are rare. You blow that and you could regret it the rest of your life. Sex lasts for a few minutes, afterwards, you will be back to having the same lonely feelings and you will have added remorse and guilt to things on your mind. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Sounds like he is badgering you pretty good, what kind of can of worms would you open with him if you caved in for strictly a sexual satisfaction? He's calling hourly now, give him a hope you are interested and he will do more than that. Plus, I would be willing to bet he would make sure your new boyfriend found out someway. Buy a personal toy, ignore the ex and focus on your opportunities. The toys will provide you the same pleasure without the guilt.
uniqueone Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 It sounds to me like you're not so much after sex but the attention and closeness. For this reason, I think having someone far away would be hard for you. I think maybe you should put your relationship on hold with the other one until you two can be closer together.
Author nasdxxx Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 Uhm well we agreed on exclusivity and we both kinda like understood why it was important because we were both jumping out of relationships... I do trust him - i mean i ahve known him for over 16 years on bestfriends level. Its just that i guess i the loneliness overrides whats in my face and then it gets worse with my ex being in may face all the time. Smalltown it is. He keeps running into me, or coming to all the places or parties or events that i attend, either through my friends or even some of my family... And he is calling every other time. My ex does know my boyfriend (as my friend) and we all grew up in same nieghborhood although i was never friends with my ex, and i hardly spoke to him. He was my my brothers friends, so he pretty much knows my current boyfriends, only he doesnt know that we are dating. I want to get the whole temptation thing out of my face but i wonder why i get weak, because sometimes i am feeling so lonely and when he calls for about 8th time that day, i just find myself answering the phone (even after having ignored the previous calls)? Do you think talking about it with my boyfriend will get us solve any gaping holes that could be leading to these tempting moments i get? My worry would be, i bringing it up with my boyfriend and suddenly it raises issues of doubt because of the distance- him beginning to wonder if we have gotten back together or not etc... what is the right way to handle this?
Lizzie60 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 it's only been one month with this new guy.... NO... no need to tell him. Are you suffering from dyslexia? You inverse a lot of letters... or maybe you should re-read... (sorry it's one of my pet peeve)...
Lyssa Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 if it isn't exclusive, i don't think there's anything to tell. even if it was exclusive, it's only been a month!
uniqueone Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 if it isn't exclusive, i don't think there's anything to tell. even if it was exclusive, it's only been a month! I guess I'm confused on how time is a factor in exclusivity.
shockandawed Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Ok, since you agreed on being exclusive, you really don't have too many options. First of all, you agreed to this, time together has no meaning. Since nothing has happened other than some wandering thoughts, no reason to tell your boyfriend. What you have to do is get control on your thoughts. We all get lustful and what if thoughts from time to time, but you really have to think about the consequences of your actions. Any actions of you outside this relationship will have serious consequences, even if your boyfriend never finds out. First, as someone who has been cheated on, it's absolutely immoral. Again, you agreed to this. If you do it, the guilt will eat you alive, the ex will be all over you and somehow, your boyfriend will find out...and the next time you are tempted, it will be easier for you to do it again. Once someone allows themselves to cheat, the pattern usually increases. Your ex sounds borderline stalkerish. Tell him to quit calling you or you will get a restraining order. It's over, the last thing you need is him dangling some temptation in front of you. If you can't handle this and live up to your agreement, do the right thing. Please, before you cave in, call your boyfriend and tell him you can't remain exclusive while he is gone. Take the correct road and be true and honest. You will gain so much character by this. Not to mention what kind of can of worms this will open if you cheat.
Author nasdxxx Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 thaks y'all.... Whats interesting about this relationship, is both of us dont feel like we have dated for just a month.... its feels like we have been doing this for ages... We talk about almost everything and we agreed on openness and honesty.... What am still not sure as per the responses, whether or not it would be disastrous to mention things like my wandering thoughts... Yes, i have done all there is for me to do about my ex.... i ahve used police.CID and all retsraining order things but he wont listen and always finds his way where i am, maniplutaing all my friends into telling him where i am going to be at what time... its rather complicated. He just wont stop what he is doing. every other tme i get back home, i am finding loads of stuff sent there by him, food, money, gifts etc all the time and sometimes its just plainly impossible to be "rude" to someone who is doing all that. I have asked him to stop shopping groceries for my house and stop sending me his bank auto teller number card and leaving me money but he just wont stop... More like stalkerish i would say... I walk into my hair beauty shop to have a hairdo and i will find a voucher for me from him, for me to ahve a treat at the beauty spa.... damn sometimes i feel suffocated and at times i feel all these past emotions coming back, i dont know if its pity for him... Do i sound liek i am still in a relationship with him emotionally without noticing it? its complicated.
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