Aliddy Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I have been on these boards for 6 weeks now, since my relationship broke up...... I have read and re-read the value of N/C.... However, there surely must be different circusmstances for insitigating this.... Mine was simply because, after I had exhausted, every other avenue, to basically be ignored, for my own self protection, I did N/C. Has this helped ? For me yes, as I know, I wrote a letter, and in that letter was everything, that I needed to say, his response was to say it was too late.......I sent it 8 days after we broke up ...... But even so, I had the peace of mind, that he was completely aware of how I felt and I needed to do that. If however, there are things unsaid, words that need to be spoken, even if they are ignored, surely that must be part of the healing process.... Otherwise, the alternative would be to live with a whole pile of " if onlys " I cant live like that.... I wondered what others thought........
funkybassplayer Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I have been on these boards for 6 weeks now, since my relationship broke up...... I have read and re-read the value of N/C.... However, there surely must be different circusmstances for insitigating this.... Mine was simply because, after I had exhausted, every other avenue, to basically be ignored, for my own self protection, I did N/C. Has this helped ? For me yes, as I know, I wrote a letter, and in that letter was everything, that I needed to say, his response was to say it was too late.......I sent it 8 days after we broke up ...... But even so, I had the peace of mind, that he was completely aware of how I felt and I needed to do that. If however, there are things unsaid, words that need to be spoken, even if they are ignored, surely that must be part of the healing process.... Otherwise, the alternative would be to live with a whole pile of " if onlys " I cant live like that.... I wondered what others thought........ HI Sue, thanks for being there for me, i have been havin a real hard time there past few days. Please read my last post on questioning myself..........i put that today, for two weeks i was battling with my inner feelings to what people on here were saying.
tinke Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 agreed...depending on the situation, length of time together, etc. for me..i HAVE to know i expressed my thoughts. doesn't matter if he reads them..i have expressed them. it is for me, a relief that i did share my thoughts, and that is all i can do. my ex has certainly moved on after a LTR... i am struggling..but i do not wonder what if...because it was clearly expressed. he chose to ignore it.
Author Aliddy Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Hi Funky, It was your posts that made me decide to start this thread, as N/C has different purposes, I think. I kept a photo-copy of the letter I sent, and if I am feeling doubtful, I re-read it, and then I know, he is without doubt about my feelings.... To me that was important.... It did not matter, what he said or did about it.. I needed to say it.................................................................................. Now 5 weeks on, it's o.k....... as there is no doubt in my mind.... So my friend you also must do what is right FOR YOU !!!! Suzanne :-)
Author Aliddy Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 TINKE That is exactly how I feel, he also moved on within a week, after 4 years, but I know, he has that letter, and that is my peace of mind. He chose to ignore it, well not really to say it was " unfair " to send it... But that was not the purpose, it was to enable me to move on ......
funkybassplayer Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hi Funky, It was your posts that made me decide to start this thread, as N/C has different purposes, I think. I kept a photo-copy of the letter I sent, and if I am feeling doubtful, I re-read it, and then I know, he is without doubt about my feelings.... To me that was important.... It did not matter, what he said or did about it.. I needed to say it.................................................................................. Now 5 weeks on, it's o.k....... as there is no doubt in my mind.... So my friend you also must do what is right FOR YOU !!!! Suzanne :-) I know baby, i did at last, i have not uttered a word for 8 weeks to her, but in the end i did what my gut was screeming at me to do since the start of the hols, . ok i never declared undying love, or anything, i meerly put a few pounds in an envelope with a short note, Tam, hope your all haveing a good hol, heres a few quid for the kids for some extra spending, take care, rich. and that was all i sent. Like you, i had to show i still care, i will send the kids b/day cards, she brought them into my life, and they loved me and me them, i cant just stick 2 fingers up at them. This is not about Tam, its about me being me, and soing what i wanted. I really recomend to any1 struggling with n/c, if you need to say something do it, if you read right back to my first posts, i did not agree with no contact, but if there is somethng you have to do or say, and its eatin at yu and you post and every1 tells u stick to n/c dont do what you have to do for you. Even if its goes against you, or like Sue says she never heard from her ex, like i wont, at least you have done what you needed to do, to put reat to your gut feelings.
shockandawed Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 You know, I think everyone wants the "perfect" closure and I can't think of anything worse than the dreaded "what ifs". Like the rest of you, I got everything out I wanted to say. I was dumped and replaced immediately. After accepting that, I wanted the perfect closure. I spent three years with this girl and I wanted our last conversation not to be nasty. The sad thing, everytime I got a decent conversation, the apology, admittance of a great relationship, etc..I wanted more. That is where the N/C should have kicked in. Against the advise of the veterans around here, I maintained low contact IMs with her. It was like a drug craving, if she would respond and be positive, I kept going for more. Unfortunately, she is somewhat bi-polar and emotional. There would always be something that would trigger her to erupt and say nasty, vicious things and disappear. So then I was stuck with the final contact being nasty. Then, she would reappear, and the cycle would start all over. Once I finally stopped completely, the true healing began. I don't think there is anything wrong with final letters, calls, etc..as long as you are prepared for any or no response. It is part of the healing process, but once you have done it, then you should go into N/C.
funkybassplayer Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I agree fully, its just doing that last action or saying something that will help with moving on, i think a call in the wrong state of mind is a disarster waiting to happen, and will keep your wound open, but a letter or action can do otherwise. Im in a funny situation, as her eldest daughter added me to her contact. i will never unstigate, chat, but ill be there if she needs me, but not for a while yet, until im ready.
joriel Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 If I may play devil's advocate here for a moment I would like to suggest that before sending or saying your final thoughts to your ex you should consider if you are in fact the sort of person that wonders "what if". For some, my self included, once an ex has done or said something cruel enough, I decide then and there that she will never benefit from my openness or romantic company again. In my last relationship my ex decided to send me a letter of explanation. I read it and I responded to it, about 70 times. But I never sent it. For me, sending her a letter with my final thoughts would allow her to believe that I would remain an option to her in the future and that was unacceptable. So, I agree that if you absolutely need to share your final thoughts in order for you to gain closure, then go ahead. But if you honestly believe that you can make do without doing so, then perhaps that's the best choice for you.
funkybassplayer Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 HI no i never sent final thoughts to her, i just sent some spending money for her kids, who i got close to, and they were my freinds. I neededto do that b/c i felt better in myself. I feel now that at leat i have shown them that i never abandond them. In the way the relationship ended, my last memories of them were not great, due to the actions of the mum, but at least o felt i did something positive for me. Im not expecting a reply at all, but i did it for me and her kids, not the mum. Just put in a little note, this is some extra spending for the kids, Rich.
sao2 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I'm with you here, if the break was due to extenuating circumstances and there was no serious breach of trust then if you still want to try all you can do is let them know. I think if you still want to make it work you have to let them know that, if just once, if just right when they break. All you have to say is something along the lines of "if you change your mind, I want to know about it" Then leave it be.
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