Hi I am new here

[DInLasVegas]

I just wanted to introduce myself before posting. I am married and I am also the other women and seeing a married man. I know this isnt the right thing to do but both him and I are lacking certain things in our marriages with our spouses and have fullfilled our needs with each other. Why do we stay, our spouses wont let go, our children, stability and there are other factors. There is a part of me that feels guilty for cheating on my husband and for being the other women which could hurt his wife if she found out. Both our spouses would be crushed if they found out. That does weight heavily on my mind and then I think of the lack of passion i feel with my husband and I miss it, I just cannot seem to get it back with him after 22 yrs its just not there dont get me wrong I love him but I am not in love with him, my lover says the same thing about his wife. I know that by putting this out there I will be judged and thats ok I deserve it. What we are doing is wrong but I just do not know how to stop it since I feel so close to my lover and enjoy his company as he does with me. I have known him for many years, we had a simple one night affair 8 yrs ago we drifted apart as he and I lived in different states, but kept in somewhat contact over the years a email here or call there every year and half or so, then i dont hear from him for a year and half and when I do, I find out he moved here. This time around, we have spent more time getting to know each other and more time learning more about one another but our lives are still the same with our spouses. I feel much more closer to him now then ever but at the same time neither of us is willing to leave our spouses as we feel obligated to stay with them. I am so lost and so confused, my heart says one thing my head says another I know my feelings for him are much stronger then before and probably stronger for him then he as for me i dont know...I cannot seem to break away from him he is like a drug im so addicted to him. He really knows how to make me want him. I know i only have myself to blame for my feelings I just would like to talk to others who have or is walking in the same shoes as I am. I cannot give up on him yet and I dont know when or if I will but I wont ever put demands on him to leave his family either. So i know this affair will only go so far, but in the mean time, I just needed to get it out there its been bottled up for weeks now thanks for reading this if you got this far and its ok if you want to let me have it, im prepared for it...D

[Tomcat33]

DinLAsVagas Welcome to LS.

 

Don't think that anyone has the right to criticise you, and don't expect that either. People will do it anyway but no one is to judge how another lives so don't accept that even if people are willing to give it to you by the truck loads, we are here to make mistakes and to grow from them. Having put that out there..

 

Firstly I'm sorry for the predicament you are in. Speaking from experience the only way to cut something like this off is to have the self conviction that you no longer want it. Your choices are as follows:

 

If you know that this will never grow beyond what you have you could try to cut all contact now before someone else gets hurt. By ending it now you will inherit a lot of pain and the shock of not having this person in your life can produce a temporary depression, but ultimately if you know this is what's best for everyone then you will find the strength to cut the addiction off. In all honestly it is the hardest the first few months and it seems impossible but though you never forget him it does get better in time and you can think more rationally once the "addiction" is broken.

 

The famous addiction that everyone speaks of is the natural course of what the in love feeling is supposed to do, it is supposed to create the glue that forms long term relationships without this we would be incapable of engaging in long term ties. So the addiction is the part of the initial stages of love. don't think that this addiction that is stricly because you are in an A, we ALL have an addiction when we first fall in love. Nature designed it this way.

 

It proves to be very hard to do this because normally two humans never break up during the falling inlove stage, you are falling in love why would you break up? so people in an A suffer this loss tremendously, it is like having your partner die in the middle of the honey moon stage it's a very cold hard cut. But it's not impossible to do, read up on the many stories here tons of people have done it and with significant success.

 

 

Your other option is to continue with the A and to let it run its course, but that could prove to be very dangerous and detremantal to your respective marriages/ families, you should take that into consideration though right now you are inclined to think with a passionate head as opposed to a rational one.

 

Either way the best way to know how to end it is to listen to your feelings, inevitably this situation will get much harder and will begin to produce painful feelings, it is at this point that you will be able to walk away with more conviction. Everyone has different timings, look out for yours and act on it when the time seems right.

 

There is no point beating yourself up over what is started you are knee deep in it now, so guilt is futile without the will of constructive action to improve things. Guilt will only harm you more because it will weaken your self leaving you more vulnerable to the situation you are in. You need to get strong to do what is right for you. You need to act accordingly when you feel its right.

[bish]

If you feel so close to your lover, then he should divorce his wife, and you should divorce your husband so they can get on with their lives and find someone worthy of them.

 

I don't want to hear any excuses like the children or the stability or security. Been there done that. Just get a divorce.

[whichwayisup]

I just wanted to introduce myself before posting. I am married and I am also the other women and seeing a married man. I know this isnt the right thing to do but both him and I are lacking certain things in our marriages with our spouses and have fullfilled our needs with each other.

 

Did you ever tell your husband that he wasn't meeting your needs? Did you give him a chance to try to work on things? Go to marriage counselling together?

 

Why do we stay, our spouses wont let go, our children, stability and there are other factors.

 

So, your spouses won't let go, does that mean that your husband and his wife know about the affair but won't let either of you go? Seems to me, that you and him are having your cake and eating it to. You both have TWO people fulfiling all your needs. You have the comfort of your home, lifestyle, friends and family around you, as does he, though you have eachother for sex, fun and excitement. Or whatever other needs that your spouses can't provide. IS that fair? Put yourself in your H's shoes, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? IF he had another woman doing what you're doing to him.....

There is a part of me that feels guilty for cheating on my husband and for being the other women which could hurt his wife if she found out. Both our spouses would be crushed if they found out.

 

But, that's not enough to make you stop cheating....

 

That does weight heavily on my mind and then I think of the lack of passion i feel with my husband and I miss it, I just cannot seem to get it back with him after 22 yrs its just not there dont get me wrong I love him but I am not in love with him, my lover says the same thing about his wife.

Ofcourse that passion you felt for your H at the beginning isn't the same after 22 years of marriage. Noone's marriage is! But, that's just life. What replaces that deep passion is, committment, love and faith, a DEEPER love that makes you feel secure and to know that the person you married is your rock.

 

I know that by putting this out there I will be judged and thats ok I deserve it. What we are doing is wrong but I just do not know how to stop it since I feel so close to my lover and enjoy his company as he does with me.

Question is, do you want to stop this affair, or do you want to continue it?

 

I have known him for many years, we had a simple one night affair 8 yrs ago we drifted apart as he and I lived in different states, but kept in somewhat contact over the years a email here or call there every year and half or so, then i dont hear from him for a year and half and when I do, I find out he moved here. This time around, we have spent more time getting to know each other and more time learning more about one another but our lives are still the same with our spouses. I feel much more closer to him now then ever but at the same time neither of us is willing to leave our spouses as we feel obligated to stay with them.

 

If you are to leave your spouse, you should leave because you no longer love him and can't stand being married to him anymore. IF the MM wasn't in your life at all, would you still be feeling this way?

 

I am so lost and so confused, my heart says one thing my head says another I know my feelings for him are much stronger then before and probably stronger for him then he as for me i dont know...I cannot seem to break away from him he is like a drug im so addicted to him.

 

Ofcourse you're confused, you've allowed yourself to fall inlove with another man who isn't your husband. You're in an affair and in the affair fog, you can't be objective enough to decide what to do. Would you consider talking to a therapist? Someone to help you get your head on straight so you can decide to either fix your marriage, say goodbye to the MM, or get a divorce.

 

He really knows how to make me want him. I know i only have myself to blame for my feelings I just would like to talk to others who have or is walking in the same shoes as I am. I cannot give up on him yet and I dont know when or if I will but I wont ever put demands on him to leave his family either. So i know this affair will only go so far, but in the mean time, I just needed to get it out there its been bottled up for weeks now thanks for reading this if you got this far and its ok if you want to let me have it, im prepared for it...D

 

The bottomline of this is, what do you want? To stay in the marriage and continue to have an affair? IF that is the choice, then tell your H that you are having an affair and ask him for an open marriage. Maybe he'd like to have an affair as well. You can't go on hurting your husband, lying and sneaking around behind his back, sooner or later he WILL FIND OUT. Be prepared for that. He knows you well, so I'm sure he suspects something.

 

Or, do you want to end the affair and try again to make life better with your husband. After 22 years of marriage (that's ALOT of time together and a long history together) just to throw away without trying to fix it and giving it an opportunity to work.

[DInLasVegas]

Thank you for your insights and advice I really appreciate it.

 

 

I met my husband in highschool we were very young and at that time of course I thought I was in love and we would be together forever I was 19 yrs old when we married through the years we had our ups and downs I realized several years later I wasnt in love with him although i loved him very much, sex was just sex and life with him was just a everyday thing, I have asked him for a divorce he would threaten me saying he would kill himself and knowing that my father and my brother committed suicide and that would be the key words to say to me to get me to stay, i would then stay even though I wasnt happy with him knowing that he is alive is better in my eyes, after having my children and still wanting to leave he would tell me that he will contest the divorce and drag it on in the courts costing us more money then we can spare, knowing I do not have that kind of money this was his key words to get me to stay again. He knows I am not in love with him, he knows how i feel about him, he knows that I am not interested in sex with him because of the lack of passion we have grown apart and i have learned that he is just not the man i want to be with but he manages to make me feel guilty if i try to leave he will throw what ever he has to at me that will have a negative impact on me to get me to stay. I then get scared and I stay. staying for my reasons is no excuse its a fact. He know exactly what he has to say and do to get me to stay. I feel trapped in other words im dammed if i do and dammed if i dont. He has faults too he is no perfect little angel grant it he is faithful becuase he has no reason to go to anyone else for what he lacks but he does lie to me and he does smoke pot which im against he has other faults as well that i am against. the only thing I have done wrong in this marriage is fullfill my needs with another man and yes i know this is wrong and yes i do feel guitly and yes I do want to leave but at what cost? his life, my kids, This is why im soo confused .. I want to do the right thing but he makes it so hard at times. As for my partner in crime, I cannot speak for him I do not know all that is up with his life and marriage except what he tells me and who knows how much of that is accurate or made up. I want to be with this other man he is and always will have my heart but I wont put demands on him I just cannot do that, if he were to leave his wife he would have to make that decision on his own. A part of me wants to stay with my partner and part of me wants to break it off, I dont want to give up the good of our relationship and at the same time knowing its wrong that part wants to end it .. i hope this makes more sense i will try and clear it up more if needed...

[child_of_isis]

So...you aren't strong enough to leave, so you blame your H for making you stay.

 

Okay...he may be a jerk for pulling some stupid stops on you to get you to stay, but hey! Evidently it is working for him, eh?

 

Buck up! Are you going to let a man hold you hostage, or are you going to grow a back bone and get the hell out of there?

 

Your choice, sweetie.

[DInLasVegas]

I never said that I blame him for anything that I have done or said or even anything wrong in our marriage I blame both of us for our wrong doings. I maybe doing something morally wrong but he was doing something illegally wrong, he wasnt just smoking weed he was selling it without my knowing it our of our garage. while he knew I wouldnt allow that with our children here, he still did it behind my back.

 

I could just leave sure, I have two small toddlers and I been a stay at home mom for 2.5 yrs now, Its 1000's of $$'s to get out of a marriage that is $$ neither of us have. At least I have told him how I feel He is full aware of that, I am in the process of looking for a job and its against his wishes but I do want to secure my childrens future. The person I am with is away for the next 5 months this is giving me time to think things through to get my life together so i can make the right choices for my family. We have gone to counseling it didnt work for him. He wasnt willing to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done because he feels we can figure this out on our own well its obvious we cannot because im at a loss all i want to do right now is make sure my children are taken care of and if that means sacrafising my happiness for theirs then so be it. that means I have to stay here till I can fully take care of them on my own. Maybe you do not fully understand my circumstances so its easy to judge its ok i understand why people would judge its no problem but there is alot more to this then I can open up to on here as it is i have said way more then I anticipated...the first responder said it perfectly and it made sense so i will go with that for now thanks for all your helps and responses...

[whichwayisup]

The only way your marriage and your MM's marriage will even have a chance to work, is for you and the MM to be in no contact mode. NO calls, emails, seeing eachother, letters, text messages, cell, whatever. NC is NC. ONLY then will you know if your marriage is salvagable or not.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[bish]

I never said that I blame him for anything that I have done or said or even anything wrong in our marriage I blame both of us for our wrong doings. I maybe doing something morally wrong but he was doing something illegally wrong, he wasnt just smoking weed he was selling it without my knowing it our of our garage. while he knew I wouldnt allow that with our children here, he still did it behind my back.

 

I could just leave sure, I have two small toddlers and I been a stay at home mom for 2.5 yrs now, Its 1000's of $$'s to get out of a marriage that is $$ neither of us have.

 

 

Hmmm...lets see....two options....both file for bankruptcy to get a divorce....or stay together and keep cheating on your husband.

 

So something tells me you will choose to stay and keep cheating on your husband.

[Lizzie60]

Welcome to LS...

 

First off:

 

I will be judged and thats ok I deserve it.

 

No one has the right to judge you... it's no one else's business... this is about YOU... no one else.

 

I know it's hard when you fall in love with someone outside your rel. and you're stuck in your M... but if I were you, I wouldn't sweat it for now.. just enjoy your life, go with the flow... take care of your kids (most important), and yourself.

 

I know this feeling of lust and passion...it's head spinning and sooooo good.

 

Give it some time... who knows, maybe in the near future, the kids will be grown up, and won't need both parents as much and then ... you and him might move to another stage of the relationship... who knows!

[child_of_isis]

It was not meant to be judgemental. Here at LS, posters deal in reality....in a "hit you with a 2 by 4" kind of way. It ain't always pretty. But it usually works. I got a few when I arrived, so I try to offer the same kindness in return.

 

I understand more than you will ever know. I was held hostage in the same way. I scarificed my heart and soul and my youth.

 

But one day, you will find the inevitable is upon you.

 

And the inevitable is...you need out. You are not happy. And you will have to take that step.

 

Be it now or 15 years down the road.

 

It is scary....scary as hell.

Maybe you do not fully understand my circumstances so its easy to judge its ok i understand why people would judge its no problem but there is alot more to this then I can open up to on here as it is i have said way more then I anticipated...the first responder said it perfectly and it made sense so i will go with that for now thanks for all your helps and responses...

[Lizzie60]

It was not meant to be judgemental. Here at LS, posters deal in reality....in a "hit you with a 2 by 4" kind of way. It ain't always pretty. But it usually works. I got a few when I arrived, so I try to offer the same kindness in return.

 

I understand more than you will ever know. I was held hostage in the same way. I scarificed my heart and soul and my youth.

 

But one day, you will find the inevitable is upon you.

 

And the inevitable is...you need out. You are not happy. And you will have to take that step.

 

Be it now or 15 years down the road.

 

It is scary....scary as hell.

 

....in a "hit you with a 2 by 4" kind of way. It ain't always pretty. But it usually works.

 

I don't think that kind of approach works for everybody... As you say, maybe one day she will find the inevitable is upon her...but then it will be that day, that she chooses.

 

Be it now or 15 years down the road.

 

Maybe it's not good NOW... maybe 15 years down the road will be better for her...

 

No one here is in a position to tell her WHEN she needs to get out of her marriage... ONLY her...

 

So for now, I think it is best for her to continue with her A... and wait for the right time to make her move... She has to think of her kids FIRST, then HER...

 

But this is just me.

[Cliche]

If you feel so close to your lover, then he should divorce his wife, and you should divorce your husband so they can get on with their lives and find someone worthy of them.

 

I actually agree with this. Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't do any good to anyone. The idea of divorce is so scary, and it is not at all enjoyable to go through, but there is a new life there at the end that is really exciting.

 

If your marriage is that empty, you will all suffer less pain if it were to end. Adding deceit to an empty void doesn't fill it, it just makes it emptier.

 

I don't think I'd be saying this, either, if you indicated you were satisfied with the situation. You're obviously not. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[whichwayisup]

So for now, I think it is best for her to continue with her A...

She needs to end the A, not continue it and continue to lie. If she ends up with MM in the future, let it be under the right circumstances. What's best for her now is to get some counselling so she can gain the strength to end her marriage, or figure out what she really wants.

 

Maybe she needs to be on her own, without her H or the MM.

[East of Jupiter]

DinLAsVagas Welcome to LS.

Your other option is to continue with the A and to let it run its course, but that could prove to be very dangerous and detremantal to your respective marriages/ families, you should take that into consideration though right now you are inclined to think with a passionate head as opposed to a rational one.

 

Either way the best way to know how to end it is to listen to your feelings, inevitably this situation will get much harder and will begin to produce painful feelings, it is at this point that you will be able to walk away with more conviction. Everyone has different timings, look out for yours and act on it when the time seems right.

 

There is no point beating yourself up over what is started you are knee deep in it now, so guilt is futile without the will of constructive action to improve things. Guilt will only harm you more because it will weaken your self leaving you more vulnerable to the situation you are in. You need to get strong to do what is right for you. You need to act accordingly when you feel its right.

 

 

A terrific response TC.

 

This is only going to get worse. I lost count of how many women, once discovered, figure out that their true happiness was standing right next to them the entire time.

 

Also, what a louse the MM is when he high tails it home to beg for forgiveness and work on his marriage.

 

Not always the case, but most definately a majority of the time.

[East of Jupiter]

The person I am with is away for the next 5 months this is giving me time to think things through to get my life together so i can make the right choices for my family. We have gone to counseling it didnt work for him. He wasnt willing to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done because he feels we can figure this out on our own well

 

When you went to counseling, did you tell the therapist you had been involved in a long term affair? Was that a part of the counseling?

 

If not, the counseling is just an act of futility. You can't possibly get to the root of your marital issues when you are in love wth another man.

 

And it is just as important for your husband to make the right decision for his family. In order for that to happen, he has to be working with the truth.

[DInLasVegas]

Thank you again everyone for your replies. I appreciate those of you who really put it out there for me to think for myself and do the right thing for my children and myself. I had a long talk with hubby telling him how i felt and it didnt go so well, so until i can properly take care of my kids on my own and leave without feeling like he will do something to harm self i will be staying here unhappy but at least he is alive. The mm is not here he is away for 5 months so this will give me time to concentrate on my marriage and hopefully find the right path to take it really helps to talk about it becuase bottling it up for so long has really torn me apart. Thanks for listiening to me..

 

To those that think this is a cruel thing im doing, yes it is, its morally wrong, but its also just as cruel and wrong for him to throw suicide in my face knowing my father and brother committed suicide just to keep me here..its hard and until you are in my position its really hard to say how u would feel or react and if you have been then im sorry...I just have to do what i feel is best for right now and figure out the rest with each passing day...

[Tomcat33]

To those that think this is a cruel thing im doing, yes it is, its morally wrong, but its also just as cruel and wrong for him to throw suicide in my face knowing my father and brother committed suicide just to keep me here..its hard and until you are in my position its really hard to say how u would feel or react and if you have been then im sorry...I just have to do what i feel is best for right now and figure out the rest with each passing day...

 

I have a real problem with people who use suicide as a form of threat or blackmale. If you left your H and he chose to take his own life, it is his choice and you will NEVER have anything to do with that. Your H sounds unstable and he should see someone about his sucidal thoughts. You cannot keep someone by your side by threatening suicide and if you allow this kind of power from him there is no ending to how far he will go to manipulate you. I think you should do what is right for you and your children and you should not let this man dictate what is best for you by holding over your head the responisbility of keeping him alive. Chances are he won't do it but if he did it would be his choice. Would you rather live with someone who is holding you hostage or would you rather live free of abuse?

 

The next time he threatens to take his own life call his bluff and ask him to explain to you in detail what he would do to take his own life. People who are serious will offer a very explicit recount of what they would do. If he does that then you must urge him to seek help to fix his depression for the well being of your childrend and of your marriage and if he refuses then his wellbeing cannot be held against you.

 

I find it extremely selfish that he would use that given your past of your brother and father, I am so sorry you already had to live through that.

 

We are not responsible for other people's lives, we are responsible for our own well being and our own lives.

[East of Jupiter]

I have a real problem with people who use suicide as a form of threat or blackmale. If you left your H and he chose to take his own life, it is his choice and you will NEVER have anything to do with that. Your H sounds unstable and he should see someone about his sucidal thoughts. You cannot keep someone by your side by threatening suicide and if you allow this kind of power from him there is no ending to how far he will go to manipulate you. I think you should do what is right for you and your children and you should not let this man dictate what is best for you by holding over your head the responisbility of keeping him alive. Chances are he won't do it but if he did it would be his choice. Would you rather live with someone who is holding you hostage or would you rather live free of abuse?

 

The next time he threatens to take his own life call his bluff and ask him to explain to you in detail what he would do to take his own life. People who are serious will offer a very explicit recount of what they would do. If he does that then you must urge him to seek help to fix his depression for the well being of your childrend and of your marriage and if he refuses then his wellbeing cannot be held against you. .

 

Not necessarily. A person can decompose later and take their lives.

 

I see her situation is very difficult. Complicating the situation by continuing the affair is only contributing to the anguish and problem. If her MM were thinking straight, he would back off as well and let this family come to the whatever conclusion their marriage will take.

 

JMHO.

[DInLasVegas]

I have decided to go to marriage couseling I cannot make hubby go but I know I need to go, once I go and hopefully sort out my feelings I will do what I need to do that is in the best interest of my family. I have not told hubby about the affair for fear he will hurt himself as he has already expressed he would if that ever happened. I want to tell him but I do not want him to hurt himself, so I think if I go to counseling this will not only help me figure out my own emotions but to understand his as well, hopefully. Then perhaps I will no what to do and I can do what is best for alll of us. The affair is not continuing at this point since the mm is away and while away I can concentrate on my own issues. I do not know whats going to happen in the future becuase I can only take things day by day at this point. Thank you again for all your advice I really appreciate it...

 

Also reading these posts and seeing others in my shoes or sort of anyways helps a great deal thanks for sharing your experiences too.

[whichwayisup]

If you are going to MC, then you have to end your affair. No point in going if the other guy is still hanging around.

 

I do agree, the MM knows the frame of mind of your H, he needs to stay out of your life completely. IF he really does love, care and respect you, he'll do that for you. That is, if you're willing to not contact him as well.

 

Good luck and I hope your H gets the help he needs. He is depressed, and needs to see/talk to someone, and prob. be on some meds.

[East of Jupiter]

I have decided to go to marriage couseling I cannot make hubby go but I know I need to go, once I go and hopefully sort out my feelings I will do what I need to do that is in the best interest of my family. I have not told hubby about the affair for fear he will hurt himself as he has already expressed he would if that ever happened. I want to tell him but I do not want him to hurt himself, so I think if I go to counseling this will not only help me figure out my own emotions but to understand his as well, hopefully. Then perhaps I will no what to do and I can do what is best for alll of us. The affair is not continuing at this point since the mm is away and while away I can concentrate on my own issues. I do not know whats going to happen in the future becuase I can only take things day by day at this point. Thank you again for all your advice I really appreciate it...

 

Also reading these posts and seeing others in my shoes or sort of anyways helps a great deal thanks for sharing your experiences too.

 

 

Best of luck to you. I wholeheartedly agree with your decisions. You know your husband better than anyone. You don't ever have to tell him (there are times when it isn't helpful) about the affair.

 

Would he threaten to kill himself if you just asked for a divorce without telling of the affair or is it just that?

 

I have some experience in outpatient clinical mental health and I can tell you that from my experience, you are taking the right tact at this point. But it will be imperative that if and when you tell or ask for divorce, that you bring him into the therapists office.

 

Most often than not, MC is a way for one partner to let the other partner down easy. It works.

[KATANYA]

I don't think anyone can possibly know exactly how YOU are feeling, even though many of us have been in similar situations. Even though you say your confused I'm guessing your A is giving you some happiness and some emotional support that you are needing right now. When the time comes, and it will, you will make your move and leave, or change your situation to one that you can at least be happy with. Until then, be careful with your heart, make your plans to become independent for yourself and your children (every woman should do that anyway!), and do what you know is right for you. Even under the most confusing circumstances, I believe we all know what we have to do, we just all choose different paths to get to the same conclusion.

 

Good luck to you.

[DInLasVegas]

Best of luck to you. I wholeheartedly agree with your decisions. You know your husband better than anyone. You don't ever have to tell him (there are times when it isn't helpful) about the affair.

 

Would he threaten to kill himself if you just asked for a divorce without telling of the affair or is it just that?

 

I have some experience in outpatient clinical mental health and I can tell you that from my experience, you are taking the right tact at this point. But it will be imperative that if and when you tell or ask for divorce, that you bring him into the therapists office.

 

Most often than not, MC is a way for one partner to let the other partner down easy. It works.

 

I am not sure but I do know that telling him about the affair will have more of an impact then my getting a divorce from him although either way he has told me he couldnt live or go on knowing i had one or if i divorced him its just a chance that i am to afraid to take at this point and time. He was still crying today so he had been crying since yesturday when I told him i need to space and i needed a seperation he never cries so i know it was tearing him up and seeing him like that hurts me just as well i dont want to hurt him its the last thing i want to do i just feel trapped and smothered by him and he says if i leave or he see's me with another man he has no reason to go on or live that scares me...so i figured if i went to marriage counseling that will help me with my personal issues and help me figure out a way to handle him and our situation. All I know is that havin gone through losses to suicide (not only my brother and father but my grandfather and two very close family friends) I just cannot bare another one in my life especially right now. we have had alot of ups and downs and have grown up so much in the last 22 yrs that i just think we are two very different people now and he although still in love with me I dont feel those same feelings but at the same time i love him alot and i dont want him to do anything to himself i hope this makes sense its just so hard to live with all these mixed emotions and feelings and to be scared that i could do something that would cause him to harm himself ...

[East of Jupiter]

I strongly urge you to end your affair. You said the MM will be away for five months. Will you have no contact during that time?

 

This might be a good time to end contact at least for the five months while you go through therapy.

 

Even if in the end you divorce, I will be able to say with a clear conscience that you examined your feelings for your husband and marriage fairly and without another person plaing a part of that decision.

 

You have had a lot of trauma in your life and that can make us hypersensitive to others. It is no coincidence that some of us end up with a spouse with an unresolved issue from our past. Some speculate that this is the mind recreating the problem over and over again in order to understand and/or overcome the haunting feelings.

 

In the past, I realized that I had chosen a man to have an affair with that was very much like my partner. Someone who needed emotional help. But I didn't see that at the time. Heck I only see it now!

 

I think I can break my pattern now that I recognize it.