The Difference: Love vs. Attachment

[tinktronik]

I've been reading quite a while now through the forums here and many of the topics range from infidelity to being the other woman. I've seen arguments blaze and feelings corroded.

I read a responce on a thread earlier stating that MM oftentimes love their wives and just don't admit it to the OW . Instead it is couched in sub catagories of kids , commitment, bills, or monetary assets, comfort, stability , ect.

My own assesment of love is that these are the things that the first tinglings of sexual excitment become as they mature into a lifetime:kids , home, financial responsibility, attachment, comfort . But most of all attachment. We as humans attach to farmiliarity, especially in the ones we cohabitate with .

So I suppose my question would be what is this distinctive " not in love only attached to lifestyle " that seems such a prevelant statement on the board here?

What would those of you who chose to phraze your own assesment of a marital situation that way believe long-term "in love or spousal love" is exactly?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Obvioulsy love matures. Even a parent doesn't have that same heart pounding feeling for his/her teenager that they did for their new born. (I'ld personally like to wrap my hands around my teens neck at the moment) My love for her has matured, it isn't always a happy feeling, or a good thing, but it is a commitment, it is a deep attachment and it IS never ending.

 

Limerence is not love but can possibly develope into mature love. Do spouses fall out of mature love? Certainly, no doubt. Another issue here is with definition. Ask 10 friends to define spousal love and my guess is you'll get roughly 10 differentl answers. There are believed to be different stages of love.

 

 

There are three distinct types or stages of "love":

1. Lust, or erotic passion
   
2. Attraction, or romantic passion
   
3. Attachment, or commitment

When all three of these happen with the same person, you have a very strong bond. Sometimes, however, the one we lust after isn't the one we're actually in love with.

 

There are those people who are love junkies. They are addicted to that initial anphetimine like high associated with the begining stages of love. Just like a drug the body becomes used to it and it takes "more" to achieve this feeling. These are the people that run through relationship after relationship and we say they are addicted to love.

 

After all the intial, swept off your feet feelings love may or may not advance to attachment and commitment. That is what successful long term relationships are made of.

 

These things are touted on this board as settling(for something less than the initial feelgood stages), but that is by a few immature posters who may not have experienced or may not be capable of even so much as understanding this type of evolution of romantic love.

[Curmudgeon]

Very well put. My guess is that those who talk about settling after the lust or errotic passion have run their initial course (some element remains during the subsequent stages) and the romantic passion stage begins to quiet are those who don't really have the first idea of what true attachment and commitment are. They never stick around long enough to find out but are always ready to bolt and chase after the first two.

[Trialbyfire]

The previous members have stated most of it, although I'm disinclined to call stage 1, love.

[tinktronik]

The above posters seem to agree with my own views of what love is and becomes over time. My personal feelings on why affairs happen is that manytimes the "spark" of newness occurs and the MM/MW has a lapse into boredom or dissapointment or frustration in the longterm R ( which in my Opinion is natural to any longterm R) and goes for it with an A . It is easy once you have the newness or excitement of the spark to convince yourself that you are missing out or being cheated out of that by the longterm R and thus resentment builds but not untill the A has presented itself as an option. I have watched many fiends operate themselves right into this exact situation.

 

My question I think was more aimed to those who choose the statement of "not in love but attached to lifestyle" and what exactly that means to them when they post it here? Are those the posters who believe that the spark or newness is all love is and that it should be continuous throughout the relationship ?

[fisherfool]

Though I think it's possible that a craving for the "spark" can kindle an affair, I believe that more often than a craving for spark or lust that it's a reaction to something that is going on in the marriage that causes it. Whether it's distance, poor treatment, anger or feeling unloved, I don't think the cheater usually sets out to find a spark. I think the cheater usually is feeling that they aren't loved anymore, or at least not the same way. They don't feel important to their spouse.

 

Then when they are feeling that way, someone else starts to make them feel important. It can be unintentional or intentional, but that feeling of being important to someone, wanted by someone can be intoxicating to a person. Especially it can be intoxicating to a person who is feeling unwanted or unimportant. That can lead to inappropriate words then behavior and then finally an affair.

 

It seems to sad that the spouse, the one who is hurt the most badly by an affai

[GoodOnPaper]

I think that attachment to familiarity in general pervades our emotional development on many levels. It seems that the less emotionally healthy someone is, the stronger their attachment to familiarity. It can be very difficult to break away from familiar conditions even when those conditions aren't all that great and you realize that you need to do something very different to improve yourself.

 

I've never been "in love" with my wife, but my lifestyle is "comfortable" enough that I haven't been able to muster the courage to break the bonds of familiarity. What I've come to realize is that I've always sold myself short, especially in self-esteem and risk-taking matters. When we met, my wife was (and I think still is) crazy about me and given my general lack of success in attracting women, I figured that that was probably as good as it would get. Unfortunately, no "in love" feelings for her magically developed over the years, and of course, I had set myself up to emotionally fail all along.

 

So what about an affair? Well, I don't have the guts to hit on women, and I haven't gotten any offers, so it comes back to whether or not I am willing to break with my familiarity. For me, the "spark" of a new relationship would be exhilarating, but the bigger thrill -- whether I have an affair or not -- would be to truly feel that I am living all aspects of my life on my terms.