Should I?

[patientguy]

I have been having an EA for almost a year now with a younger MW that I work with. We have already had our DDay and as a result I'm legally separated and she's still married. I came to the conclusion a few months ago that I needed to look for another job and get her out of my life and myself out of hers...mainly because I can't get over her, at least when I'm seeing her almost daily because of work. I haven't yet found a suitable job (gotta be close to my son) but I have at least one possibilty at the moment. Anyway, my OW wants to get together and have sex. Of course I want that but I'm worried of the emotional aftermath. She says she isn't sure what she wants but she says she loves me, wants to be with me, and is unhappy in her marriage. I don't think she will leave her husband though...at least not anytime soon. I don't want her to leave her husband for me anyway. I am in love with her, but I can't see us every having a relationship under such circumstances. She is aware that I want to get another job and she understands but says she doesn't want me to leave her life. I've told her when I leave I don't have any intention of seeing her because I want her to work on her marriage. Should I take her up on her offer?

[Lizzie60]

only YOU know the answer to that question...

 

I think you will... LOL

 

If you're OK with seeing her and having sex with her with no commitment, then go ahead...but if you think it will be bad for you..then don't.

 

She probably can deal with the A and her marriage. She's using the same lines as the MMs use... I am unhappy but I can't leave my marriage for now.... probably because of her kids and the big mess a divorce causes for the kids and on the social and financial level.

[whichwayisup]

No, move on. You love her, want her and it's only going to be painful to stay the OM in her life while she's still married.

 

If she wants you, and loves you MORE than her H and how her life IS with her, then she'll divorce and be with you. It's that simple.....In the meantime, go NC, explain to her as long as she is married you want nothing more to do with her.

 

Go read ratingsguy's threads, do a site search on his name and read his story about him and his MW.

[JamesM]

Go read ratingsguy's threads, do a site search on his name and read his story about him and his MW.

 

WWIU said what I thought of immediately. Go to his story. His MW "loved" him and wanted to be with him. As soon as she moved out from her H, she lost interest in RG. BTW, we haven't heard from him in awhile.

 

You are correct in not going over the physical line. This will make a huge difference in your relationship. The attachment you will feel will go way up. Your mind and emotions will be much more confused. Leave now before you cross that line.

[patientguy]

Looking back at my question from yesterday it seems rather stupid. I know I will make myself available for what she asked for. I love her. Part of me says don't do it because of the same reason. I want her to be happy. If she leaves her husband for me I seems there will just be too many expectations for us to handle well. The best I am hoping for is for her marriage to go bad on its own and then maybe we'll have a chance in the future to start something on a good foundation. That's probably a pipe dream but its all I have. The fact of the matter is I know I will not be able to resist the chance to not feel like second best if only for a day. I know I'll still be were I am afterwards...regrettfully anxious to get a new job and move on, helplessly hoping for my fairy tale to come true. However, I know I have to get over her before that could ever happen,and when I finally do, it probably won't. As wonderful as life is, it can be a bitch.

[patientguy]

Looking back at my question from yesterday it seems rather stupid. I know I will make myself available for what she asked for. I love her. Part of me says don't do it because of the same reason. I want her to be happy. If she leaves her husband for me I seems there will just be too many expectations for us to handle well. The best I am hoping for is for her marriage to go bad on its own and then maybe we'll have a chance in the future to start something on a good foundation. That's probably a pipe dream but its all I have. The fact of the matter is I know I will not be able to resist the chance to not feel like second best if only for a day. I know I'll still be were I am afterwards...regrettfully anxious to get a new job and move on, helplessly hoping for my fairy tale to come true. However, I know I have to get over her before that could ever happen,and when I finally do, it probably won't. As wonderful as life is, it can be a bitch.

[Meaplus3]

Go read ratingsguy's threads, do a site search on his name and read his story about him and his MW.

 

WWIU said what I thought of immediately. Go to his story. His MW "loved" him and wanted to be with him. As soon as she moved out from her H, she lost interest in RG.

 

I too would advise you to read ratingsguy's threads! I have been around here long enough now to read his story and outcome. You could be headed in the same direction, so read if you will.

 

AP:)

[cbl]

I had done a lot of soul searching thinking what went wrong with me when I fell for my xMM and couldn't escape. I couldn't stop challenging myself whether I am commitment phobic, and what clouded my judgement when it comes to dating. Sometimes an affair has done a lot of more damage to a person than one has realizes and mine has definitely destroys my self-confidence and my values about a healthy relationship. It's hard to explain how our affair ended (and not surprisingly it had something to do with the wife found out after a few D-days and his children being involved) but most importantly I had come to realize that I am the only person who can take control over the whole situation and I have faith in myself. If you would just try to live without thinking how much you love your MW for one day, you would see how beautiful the world is even without her presence in your life (and honestly it would have been so much better) Yes life can be a bitch sometimes but in your situation only when you allow it to be.

 

Honestly one is not capable of making others happy before he truly makes himself happy.... and I wish you happy.

[patientguy]

CBL that was a great response, one I know is very wise.

 

It's not that I haven't thought that way before. I do realize I need to stop taking this so seriously. Depression is a difficult thing to take on though, and I'm having to do it all alone for the most part. Always have.

 

I may bore you, but let me back up a few years and tell the whole story. On September 8th my X went into labor. After 27 hours she gave birth to my beautiful son. Well, that's where life took a turn. Ok, now think of the most rare medical condition you can. Now imagine that that condition you just imagined is comparable to a broken finger to what my son was born with. Let's just say I had to go into hybernation from the world to keep germs away, visit emergency rooms and operating rooms as a regular schedule, get used to the idea of working all day and then returning to wonder if I'll have to recesitate my son back to life that night. That's were I came from leading into this. I stayed with my X for the sake of my son and "had to" give up everything in the process...most of my friends, the realization that I would ever be in love, financial security, and myself. Did I mention that during the process I was trying to help my little brother get off drugs, but he ended up dieing in a freak accident. But, one day (figuratively) I woke up and my son was better....a medical miracle...a miracle. That's roughly when I met her, strangely also on September 8th. She gave me hope in living my life again. That I could find love. That I didn't need to give up myself anymore. So, do I have faith in myself. I suppose. Letting go of what made me realize that in the first place is the hardest thing of all though. I know what I have to do...one day at a time. Enjoy what I can. Get back what I had to give up for me, for my son.

 

Thanks for listening to my unusual story. It really wasn't meant to be a depressing one that's just perhaps how it has been lately. You're right, life is good no matter, sometimes you just lose sight of it.

[Cliche]

That's roughly when I met her, strangely also on September 8th. She gave me hope in living my life again. That I could find love. That I didn't need to give up myself anymore.

You'll find this again. And with a woman who is available to you. When I was about to end it with MM, right before he and his W shot holes in my plan by splitting up, I started viewing life differently. I have those same beautiful feelings about MM, but I realized that the hope that is life does not center around MM and it shouldn't. Life has a beauty all its own, without these people that we love. And part of that beauty is knowing that we don't know what life has in store for us. But some of it is going to be brilliant.

 

Good luck to you, patientguy. You've already made up your mind. I understand why you have. I wish you only good things.

[cbl]

Hope I wasn't too harsh on you. I do hold different standards for men and women.

 

And I am sorry for your loss. Now I understand a lot better where you are coming from.

 

I have a similar story to share. Ten years ago when I was 25, my mom was diagnosed of gastric cancer. Terminal stage. My mom had been taking care of my very ill elder sister, who had been sick since the age of 5. When my mom found about the cancer, my sister had to be sent to the nursing home so she could be in the hospital for chemotherapy. A couple of months later my sister died in the nursing home (of course in between she almost died in the same hospital where my mom got her chemotherapy) and after going through 3 different kind of chemotherpy my mom passed away six months after my sister's death. I wouldn't bore you with the details as to how hard that was for me due to new employment, constant overtime, sister's pregnancy and brother in the military, etc. One thing we had in common was that I was with my first MM a few months before my mom got ill and he was the only hope that I had at the time. I thought he was the only person I can rely on so a few months after my mom's death I moved out. We were together for a total of six years.

 

Third year into our relationship I got pregnant and he wanted to send me to the US to give birth to the child - being a single mom is taking me nowhere in my country. I made the decision not to keep the child. At that time, the hope of me being happily ever after with him died.... until another 3 years later I moved across the ocean to another country and moved on.

 

Now looking back, he wasn't the only person who I could depend on. In fact he was not with me most of the time as he was married and stayed with his family most of the time. Would I have been happier if I have not been with him during those six years? Probably. I know I was strong enough to get through all this. I probably couldn't have done it alone but I could have been with someone who was available to me and who was able to give me the same support that he gave me.

 

But he happened to be there and he was my only dose of happiness in life back then. I felt I could have died without him.... that's why I completely understand your situation.

 

All these years I've come to realize that true happiness only comes from within; if one depends on others for happiness, then he/she is doomed to be disappointed someday. As I am an atheist and I came from a cultural background that does not advertise the benefits of therapy, I do not recommend seeking help from God or therapy however I am sure you'll reach out when you see fit - but I would do at least one thing that makes myself happy every day. I might go for a movie alone at late night or chat up with a cute guy in the bookstore who happens to be reading a book that I rencently read; I might drive up to the mountain, spend one night in a cozy and clean B&B, get up very early the next morning and have coffee and a nice conversation with the owner. Like you said, "life is good no matter, sometimes you just lose sight of it". one can live it to the fullest or sit there doing nothing until the day one dies.

 

So my point is please do something that makes you feel alive again. Anything. With or without her. And I know you can.

 

I went back and read some of your posts. Below are a couple of things which I think you have put beautifully,

"....There are so many things that hold a marriage together other than your will to be with the person or love for them. The choice to leave is easy when you realize that no amount of family or peer pressure means as much as being honest with yourself. I would've stayed with my wife if I thought I could live with that and if I thought it could improve. For awhile tried and was ok with pretending things were fine, but at some point I realized that my own life was more important than everyone elses expectations..."

 

And your happiness is more important than anything in the world -

 

And this, "If she wants to be with me she'll find a way to find it in herself to get a divorce. If not, I've got more pressing matters in life than to be a pincusion for giving her the passion and understanding that she lacks in her marriage. I do not want to be one of the people on this site posting my same situation 5 years after the fact. No offense, but live is too short to wait patiently for something that may never happen."

 

Whether you can or can not keep your MW out of/in your life now, it's not that important IMO. Pick yourself up first... and you said it the best "One day at a time". And remember one step at a time. If you truly want to be able to build a future with her, or anyone else who you might want to spend the rest of your life with, then you gotta do well at work, new employment or not. Heal your wounds. Ask yourself what's important in your life (for me, it's "happiness") and fight for it. I am sure you know how fragile a life can be... you see how your son fought for his life and also your brother... as for the rest, let the nature take its course. You'll find the way someday.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[patientguy]

Thank you CBL.