Hestia Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I've been calm most of the day, mainly because I've been busy reading Harry Potter's book and it kept me distracted (it wasnt that great by the way). I thought about him all along though. I miss him badly. The only confort I have is that at least we're still friends but I'm not sure how good that is. I cant call him or anything, what would I tell him? "I love you", "I miss you"? That would hardly help any of us. So the difference is only on what we call it. We're friends but we're really not... I don't know... I think tomorrow it will hit me, I'll be home alone all day with nothing to distract me, all friends away and there's no more Harry Potter to save me...i hate weekends:(
AriaIncognito Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 NC is definitely not easy. It will get easier with time, though. While you'll still think about it all, it'll be less and less. I'm about 2 months NC now, and while I dont like it much, I know it's for the best. I have my bad days (like today) but I also have good days. So, try to look forward to those good days, and allow yourself to feel the bad ones. You'll grow to appreciate the good that much more.
spookie Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 This is a conclusion that you're going to have to come to on your own, but it's not smart to be friends with someone you love. Your relationship is ALWAYS going to be one-sided. You're going to give more, receive less, and be far more dependent on it to feel ok than he will. If he is like a lot of guys, he'll also likely judge you for sticking around in a situation that is not good for you. (This has happened to me on several occasions, with guys whom I thought were better than that. They lost respect for me because I was weak, desperate, and too willing to compromise. It's a screwed-up world.) If I were you I would tell him you need space and disappear. If his friendship is really that important to you, you can come back to it at a different time, when the feelings are truly gone. Right now, you'll just put yourself through hell, and you'll very likely have to sever ties anyway (as soon as he find himself a new hobby or girlfriend and has less time for you). At that point you will be even further behind in the healing process AND you'll feel humiliated for having appeared desperate for any crumbs he throws your way - like the "friendship". You said, though, that you were starting NC, so maybe you HAVE no intention of talking to him again. I hope that's the case, I hope you really do mean NC, not just "NC until he calls".
Author Hestia Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Sorry i failed spookie, i tried the NC but I ended up calling him today... He was friendly with me and it made me feel better, gave me hope that he still likes me, that maybe it is possible to stay together... I know sometime alone would be great but I'm not disciplined enough! I'm all you described, "weak, desperante and willing to compromise". I hate to think that he is losing the respect he had for me but it's totally possible that it happening. I just can't pull myself out of this. I'm not strong enough. At the end, I know it will be him doing the final break up. I'm a failure:(
spookie Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Sorry i failed spookie, i tried the NC but I ended up calling him today... He was friendly with me and it made me feel better, gave me hope that he still likes me, that maybe it is possible to stay together... I know sometime alone would be great but I'm not disciplined enough! I'm all you described, "weak, desperante and willing to compromise". I hate to think that he is losing the respect he had for me but it's totally possible that it happening. I just can't pull myself out of this. I'm not strong enough. At the end, I know it will be him doing the final break up. I'm a failure:( Aw, you are not a failure Hestia, you can't let yourself think like that. What you are doing is perfectly normal. It's hard for everyone to just let go of someone they love. You have to forgive yourself for slipping up, because dwelling on this isn't going to help (it'll just make you feel worse, which will make you miss your ex MORE because HE makes you feel GOOD... which will tempt you even more to reach out to him for your "fix"). At the same time, you have to come to the understanding that at some point, you're GOING to have to let go. If you're not ready to do that yet, if you need a couple more shots of what will later feel like humiliation to jolt you to reality, keep in contact with him... but you will reach a point where you will realize you're just hurting yourself and that the only person that is going to permanently make you feel better is yourself... so you need to tweak that accordingly instead of focusing on some guy who more or less abandoned you. If you lurk on these kinds of sites for a while, you'll realize that a lot of people's stories sound similar - different names and faces, but the same plot. You'll realize that what you're going through isn't so unique (not that that makes it any less significant or painful) and that, unfortunately, at this point your reliatonship is over. Even if your ex has feelings for you, there are reasons he chose to leave you (and likely, they are his own, so stop feeling down on yourself or guilty). He obviously doenst think whatever feelings he has are worth the "effort" of being with you. If you read other people's stories, you'll realize that there's really nothing you can do. If he comes back to you right now, it'll likely be out of loneliness, guilt, or a mental slip-up due to your coaxing - and he's just going to leave again (happened to me - twice). You can stay in touch and prolong your misery - or you can start moving on. The most painful part about my breakup was the feeling that I was robbed of my future. I was actually JEALOUS of my ex becuase he got to keep our plans (I was the one compromising everything) while I had to find something new - and for a while I was angry and extremely envious of whatever girl would get him next, because along with him she would get the life I had envisioned for three years: his kids, his extended family, ski trips, Texas. When I finally stopped talking to him, I realized that it was my responsibility to have a happy vision of my future with or without a guy, and the first step to that, for me, was working on becoming the kind of perosn I've always to be. I don't know if you're the same way, but maybe that will help you to. Who do you want to be? Is there anything you want ot change about yourself? Now's the time to start. If you can be happy with yourself, you won't need your ex (or any other guy) to feel like life is worth living.
ruby_gloom Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Sorry i failed spookie, i tried the NC but I ended up calling him today... He was friendly with me and it made me feel better, gave me hope that he still likes me, that maybe it is possible to stay together... I know sometime alone would be great but I'm not disciplined enough! I'm all you described, "weak, desperante and willing to compromise". I hate to think that he is losing the respect he had for me but it's totally possible that it happening. I just can't pull myself out of this. I'm not strong enough. At the end, I know it will be him doing the final break up. I'm a failure:( oh, hestia, don't think like that. read and reread spookie's post: there is a lot of good insight and advice in it. i really have nothing else to add because she already said it all so well, but i do want to reiterate something spookie commented on: you're not a failure. really, why do you think that way? because you caved and broke NC? because his sweet words make your heart skip a beat, in hopes that maybe--just maybe--he's going to come back? because his departure hurts? because you still love him? why? you know, almost everyone here says that NC is the way to go, and i agree. as spookie said, a lot of us think that we are able to be "friends" with our exes immediately following a breakup, but that is seldom, if ever, true. here, we have to be honest with ourselves: are we trying to cling onto a pseudo-friendship because we really, really want to be their friends and nothing more, or is it because we feel that maybe by lurking around in the shadows, as their "friend", their heart will somehow grow lovesick and will want to come back? in all honesty, i can assure you that most of us, while we do care for their friendship (after all, they were probably our best friends during the relationship and before it), do this whole "let's be friends" act because we want them to come back. what we don't readily want to acknowledge, though, is what will happen to us when they start developing new interests, both romantic and not? it'll hurt, and it'll hurt badly--and this is exactly why the "let's be friends" arrangement will not work unless the romantic feelings are gone, and they are not, no matter what anyone says, gone the day after the break up. but a lot choose to band their head against the wall, anyway, continuing this "friendship" charade, thinking that they will somehow get it right. but, hestia, it just won't. so long as you have feelings for him, it will hurt you to see him fancy another, so the best thing is to simply detach yourself from such a situation. you might understand and realize that this is true, but you might go ahead and keep talking to him, anyway. does that make you a failure? of course not! i did the same exact thing: everyone told me being his friend was a bad idea, but i was always there; always waiting. and what happened to me? i got burned time and time again. maybe you will, too, but you know what? some of us only learn after we can take no more. it's more painful, yes, but it's not bad. you might find yourself breaking NC and trying to be his friend, only to receive rejection after seeing a shimmer of hope. you will feel terrible, but you might do it yet again. and again. but then one day, you'll see how shredded your very soul is getting, and you will stop. you'll stop the contact and you'll stop the facade. you might still not stop loving him--i know i haven't--but you might think that hey, if he's going to come back, he'll come back, but even if he doesn't, i can't keep hurting myself like this. so don't feel that terrible for slipping up. it does you no good. a lot of us slip from time to time, but what's important is to remember that you have to pick yourself right up and keep walking. it'll be alright. i promise.
Author Hestia Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 Thank you spookie and ruby, those were very inspiring posts, I'll make sure I come back here and re-read them everytime. I always imagined my life with him, we even talked about marriage and kids. Not so long ago he even told me he could imagine us together for the rest of our lifes. It's all gone now... I can't help feeling lost but I guess it is for a good cause. I was never happy by myself. He was, still is, my life. I need to be happy with myself first. I need to learn that first. But I want to make sure we are still friends, that there's a chance we can be together again in the future. Even if we arent talking anymore, I want that hope. Is it wrong to want both of these things? Maybe that will prevent me from moving on but it's way too painful to think I have to lose him completely. I can't face that yet, I'm not ready. I know this is a very obsessive energy consuming unhealthy relation and that it would be better for myself to stay away from it. True, I'm not happy. But how can I be sure I will be happier without him? Maybe I won't, I dont know. Maybe I like the unhealthy relation, maybe I looked for it in the first place. It's the kind of self destructive behaviour I would have. Maybe I'm rambling too much.
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