WThell Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 hi all, this is my first time and it seems like the place to get good advice, please give me some insight!! okies here goes, my gf of 6 months broke up with me, in the beginning she said she had lost her feelings for me, but then after persistance she confessed and said she has feelings for her ex and that she is confused. she had asked for space which i gave her, one sat she came over to collect all her things and during that time we had small talk and she seems so cold and i knew the relationship is terminal. she said she felt bad for breaking up with me because i did nothing wrong, and that she neva met anyone that she clicked before! BUt then tues which was only 3 days after she gave me the impression that it is completely over she made contact with me on msn, making small talk, and then following sat exactly 1 week after D-day she rang me out of the blue and asked me what i was doing, and if it was ok for her to come around for a quick chat, i said yeh kewl, i got nothing on, she came over and we had small talk asking about my work and stuff, so it was more casual talk after d-day, but until yesterday we went to a mutuals friend bday we had a serious talk and she told me that she is really confused. she is torn between between feelings with her ex bf and me, from what i gathered in the past when i was in the relationship with her was that her bf treated her badly and neva gave her any attention, she broke up with him after 4 yrs and then tried to work it out second time round and yet it still didnt work, then a yr later she met me and said that she neva met anyone that she clicked so well with and got along with her family and all that, but 6 months later suddenly the feelings for hre ex came, because he told her that he has feelings for her,and all her friends says that he had changed and all the BS. But breaking up with him twice and now has feelings for him i dont understand, i love the her alot. she told me many occasion that i make her happy and that she knows that she can talk to me. i am attentive towards her, but she doesnt know why she has feelings for her ex and that was the reason y she wanted to break up with me because she loves me and doesnt want to be with me because she has feelings for her ex. she thought she moved on when she met me, when she was with me she was talking about marriage and kids and she was really serious, but now it seems futile to try to understand her,all i can do for her is try to be supportive and listen, because i know her ex doesnt do that. when she is with me she gets calls from her ex asking where she is and all that BS. like he is concern for her, but is this jsut the courting stage from him, and he may return to his normal self centred once he has her? she tells me that she doesnt know wot to do because she feels lost. she tells me when she is with me she feels happy and alive, and that she can talk to me about anything. but she doesnt know why her feelings for her ex is there. neither her or her friends know what is the attachment between her and her ex. she told me that she doesnt want to make me or her ex feel that we are second dips and be backup. that is why she is trying to figure it out herself and not be with anyone of us. but at the same time she is getting close to me, like recently when she was with me she held my hands and hold me and bieng really close. and everytime we part she would kiss me. i am really confused at her confusion. i am sorry that this is so long, prop just feel the need to vent. I thank you in advance for reading my woes and appreciate all the advice that i can get.
brockdarock Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hey WThell, Sounds like a lot is going on here. I can see why you're confused, but let me try to break down some of the main points here. #1 - You specifically stated "that her bf treated her badly and neva gave her any attention" and "she has feelings for her ex." Ok, then why is she still going back to this guy? Even when she KNOWS that she isn't being treated very well? It's because she's still ATTRACTED to him. Let me explain... You almost sound like the fall-back guy in this relationship. You're turning into the long-term commitment type, settling down with kids, and getting married. Ok, there's nothing wrong with that, but she's going to see you as long-term material. Well what's that mean? It means she's slowly losing attraction for you because you're "supportive and listen" when she's around. I really get the feeling that you're almost turning into another one of her girlfriends to talk to. You DO NOT want this to happen (unless you like long talks that don't get you anywhere). So what can you do? Well, if you want this girl to be with you, this is how I would handle it: #1 - Don't accept second class behavior from this woman. Is she just telling you about all her troubles and everything that's weighing her down? Does it feel like every conversation is going back to same old? You need to just not let her act like this around you. Tell her to go bug one of her girlfriends as soon as she goes into this mode. As a man looking to create attraction, you simply do not need this in your relationship. #2 - Forget about the ex and focus on yourself. Now, I'm not saying to be a complete jerk to her and not listen to anything she has to say. I'm telling you that you don't need to be weighed down by all this chit chat about the ex and everything. This girl will like you MORE if you become more independent and do more of your own things. If she calls and asks you what you're doing, most guys say: "Sure, come on over" (which translates to: "yeah, I'm not doing anything, I'm bored and lonely, and I want to talk to you if you don't mind) Make her EARN your time, and become a busier person. Don't just give yourself away to this woman. Keep a part of yourself a mystery and don't expose it. It's so important that you find a purpose/passion in life. #3 - Two steps forward - one step back. You mentioned that when you're with her, you held hands, kissed a little, etc. OK, here's something that you can do to really turn it up a notch. For example: She's hugging you, cuddling, and lightly holding your hands. Now, instead of pulling her closer when she expects it, separate yourself and push away a little bit. (she'll give you one of those "deer in the headlights" looks) Then, after a while, when she's not expecting it, pull her close and advance more. It's the whole idea of "two steps forward - one step back". You see, by doing this, you'll develop a sexual tension that women love. It's addicting to them (in a good way) and they WANT to be around you. It keeps an element of suprise in your relationship and it keeps her guessing. And you know what all this means? She'll start feeling ATTRACTION for you. If you can do this, she won't be worried about her ex, she'll be in the moment with you. She won't be troubled by everything else, she'll be thinking about you. This is what you want... Hope this helps. You wrote a lot so I figured I would spend some time to give you a good answer. I added you as a buddy to keep in touch. Brock
Author WThell Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Hey Brock, thanks for the heads up, after having read many of the threads i begin to slowly think that she has lost attraction to me, because at one stage during our breakup she mention that i was too comfortable, and the stage we are at should be 1 to 2 yrs down the track not during our 6 months, she is one of those girls that likes to be attentive towards and she is somewhat a lil bit insecure about herself...and i do my best to encourage her. when we first break up she was very cold towards me and that she wants to distant herself from me, so i took many advice and applied the NC, always let her make the move to initiate contact, and at times i admit i did cave in, and seems to be on beg and wait for her to contact me. i think i have past that stage now and concentrate on myself and improve myself."mind you easier said than done". but last nite when we actually had a chance to talk, was it wrong of me to say that, her ex had 2 chances with her and he screwed up and u gave up, and why out of the blue now he tells you he has feelings for you, is it the fact that he thinks that if he cant have u, no one can. she said she doesnt know, and the fact that she has doubt in what he says about him being changed and that he has matured up and cares for her and wants a future with her, he is 2 yrs her junior BTW, she has DOUBT in him, so what is this bond between them? she told me that i havent done anything to make her doubt me, but she doesnt know y there is feelings for him, and she jokingly said maybe 3rd time lucky. I love her and i want to be supportive of her during confusion, but like u said i dont want to be THE friend where she comes for support. i did tell her that i am who i am and this is me from the beginning that i met her till now, that i cared for her and that i loved her. she says that she doesnt doubt that i dont love her, but she is just confused at the moment. and doesnt want to be with any one. she says that her ex says things and myself included. and all she hears is promise and plans. and i know to win her back i must show her that i carry out my promises not for her but for myself. but when i told her my plans she said she likes it, and she knows i will follow thru but she said dont make plans and expect her to be there in the picture becuase right now she doesnt know wot she wants. from what i gather when we are together i know she wants to be with me but at her fragile state i try not to pressure her, when i am with her i just be myself and the person that she was attracted to in the begining and if there are issues that comes up that she wants to talk about us, then we talk. otherwise i just make her and she enjoys that. she says things like i am happy when i am with you, and that she neva met anyone that she clicked like when she met me. i havent changed in anyway whatsoever since the day we met. IS she sacred of commitment? she was the one that told me during our relationship that she was ready to settle down and get married. but it has been 3 weeks now that we broke up and she still contacts me to check up on me. see how i am doing and stuff. also the thing is that her ex is part of her group of friends that she hangs out constantly, and he is always there when she goes out to have coffee with her friends. she told me that she will come ova my place and spend the weekend with me, but not this weekend but the weekend after, because this weekend coming its her ex bday and the group had organised a weekend away. one time when we were together she said that we should stop doing this because it is going to confuse me and herself. but she keeps coming back for more. i dont really know what she wants.... but that was a week ago now she is very friendly and close to me. i am trying to be strong right now....i dont know if its denial or what but she left her ex twice for a reason and that she was with me for a reason. when i am with her i try to be the person that she first met.. thanks for your time and patience Brock and to all readers.
Author WThell Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 hey all sorry forgot to mention something, hehehehe i am under the impression that she may want to take it slow this time, becuase like i mention in the 3 post that the 6 months we had was too comfortable and the 6 months relationship with me should be during our 1 2 yrs stage of the LTR. so my feelings that she is slowly making contacts with me and being more intimate is that she wants to re-discover our relationship I THINK... am i wrong to feel this?
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