I can't shake that nasty feeling

[MagnoliaJane]

After keeping this bottled up inside me for the past month I decided I finally want to get it off my chest. Although I feel it's humiliating and it has depressed me.

 

Basically, the ex of one year and a half now got a new woman which he treats with utmost respect, even telling her he wants to wait with sex (she wants it but he has decided they should wait)... Oh yes, Mister "I'm such a prince"...

 

Well, guess what's the first thing he said in between casual talk about him going camping when he saw me again last month?

 

He said "oh I see you're wearing a skirt and I like that, but it's better to be safe than sorry". He then continued with his camping story.

 

I was simply too baffled to say anything back about this.

 

What the h*ll? Is this the same man who I was in a "serious relationship (he was talking marriage and such)" with???? Is this a thing to say when you see your ex back (in a formal situation, we weren't hanging out in a bar - he works where I work and I bumped into him and said hi).

 

OK, I'm not a prude or anything, far from that, but he broke up with me about a year ago and I'm still coping... Why can't he show me at least some decency, and respect? And why is he so different with his new woman? It's really beyond me. All I can say is, that I have been feeling so disgusted that I have wanted to curl up in a ball and hide at home ever since.

 

I wonder when I will be able to shake that nasty feeling off me. I can't believe he said something like that in such a "matter of fact way" - it made me feel so cheap, cheap, cheap.

 

I wonder how other women would respond to this? Would you yell at him? Would you say something back? I did none of the above. I guess because I was so shocked, froze up and also because I feel like I'm too much of a lady to respond to this kind of trashy comment. But I can't ignore that it has gotten to me.

[tinke]

i have to tell you mj...i read your post (his comment) 3 times and i cannot see what he said that offended you. it seems like a non-chalant comment to fill the quiet space. are you offended that he didn't say more on a personal level, since you have history with him?

i believe people change, their needs change, and all too often it is not discussed with the partner, and it seems easier for some to just walk away...without looking back. i am not one of these people...but i have read this often.

are you over-reacting to his comment? maybe it is your self-image that is surfacing? just because he may treat this new woman with respect, does not mean he thinks less of you, does he?

keep in mind everyone is on their best behavior in the begining.....all that glitters is not gold.

no one can put a time limit on grief, but..do you feel any better after a year?

have you accepted that he has moved on?

please remember....he lost out on your good qualities...yes, we all have them.

why do you fel he does not respect you? maybe it was uncomfortable for him also, and he did not want to give you any wrong ideas..such as, interest.

i'm sorry, the whole process really blows! i have no magical answers, except we that had been dumped have to change our thought patterns to healthy ones for us. no one else can do that for us. i am still learning!

[MagnoliaJane]

I forgot to put down in words that it wasn't just him saying I was wearing a nice skirt. He has never been perceptive about skirts, or dresses, except when it comes to telling what turns him on (and since he's such a self-declared "passionate" person he likes to dwell on that topic).

 

He followed up on the skirt-comment later with sending me an email saying that he "still has all his manly feelings". What I also didn't mention in my post was that at first when we got to know each other he was mister romantic and pushed hard for a committed relationship, then he walked out twice, but still wanting to be my "friend" which turned out to be friends with benefits really. He was very confusing about that, saying he loved me and he had always had trouble staying in a relationship once things were not "perfect" anymore, and his bad childhood, and what not... So I thought by not requesting anything from him he would feel less pressured and would come around again to being who he was when we first got to know each other...

 

But nothing happened really... Then in February I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore, that it simply hurt me too much.

 

So when he made that comment after 4 months of not seeing me it brought all the hurt back. Just like that.

 

What baffles me is that he treats his new lady very differently - that all of a sudden he has found a very conservative attitude towards sex and relationships - while he didn't bother to pay me the same respect.

 

I guess he IS back to being who he was when I first met him; only he can't be that person again with ME...

 

But your question is a good one, after one year (half a year actually if you count the fwb situation as well) I should have progressed further with healing than where I am now. It's just that every time he has walked away without so much as a dialogue - just telling me his decision and vanishing from the scene, then appearing again months later... I guess that I have built up a lot of resentment. So much anger and resentment that I have never let out.

 

I guess it's time to start dealing with that now and finally moving on.

 

Thanks for your questions - they have raised really good points

[tinke]

you have the answer.re-read your post.

he said "he loved me and always had trouble staying in a relationship when things were not perfect anymore".

that is enough!! so, do you think he magically became grounded????

oh yes, and it's all because of this dazzling new woman....

highly doubtful!

honestly be glad he left, he may have left and broken your heart repeatedly as often as you allowed.

pretty harsh? well, i speak from experience, only mine would never admit any fault was his. it's just ok, i'm not happy anymore..goodbye. (not exaggerating!) this happened several times..all seemed well, and wham..he's gone. sometimes without saying anything, just ignored attempts to reach him.

 

so...i say, be glad you did not waste years of your life to someone who can casually walk away. she did not win the prize..you have learned from your past with him and much more aware for future dates, etc.

instead of being insulted at his comment...just think..whew..he did not change!!! he is not all-of-a-sudden prince charming. he had already disrespected her with his e-mail and comment to you...REJOICE!

he has not changed!!!!!!! so, do you think he really does treat her adoringly?

 

hmmmm!

i think you have won!!!!

[spookie]

I don't know if I exactly understand your frustration at the skirt comment or what he really meant by it, but I think I understand what you mean about feeling humiliated that, for no reason whatsoever, someone you love(d) does not respect you.

 

I have the same situation going on with my ex. Actually our stories sound kind of similar, in that he pushed hard at the beginning for a commitment, then walked out many times for the same "reasons" (non-reasons). Same allusions to crappy childhood, too.

 

I, too, thought I would be understanding, lay off the "pressure", and that he would come around. I even thought he would appreciate the fact that I tried to be understanding... until I realized that somewhere along the way, while I was thinking of ways to compromise so that he would be happy, he had lost all his respect for me. He made that crystal-clear one day, a couple of months after the breakup, over the phone, and that conversation has haunted me since. It was humiliating to realize that he JUDGED me for staying with him through all the crap he put me through. That he didn't even want to be friends, because he thought I was weak.

 

Anyway...you gotta move on. You'll never be able to undo the past with him... there is no way to have a reconciliation with someone who doesn't respect you. I don't think it's your "fault"... you didn't do anything wrong, at least, he's just a screwed-up person for dishing out respect the way he does. There's absolutely no point in thinking about how he treats his current gf, either, or why that can't be you etcetc. It's over. You weren't compatible. You know why? Because you deserve someone who will love you for your good bits. Who will appreciate your love and will respect you for your big heart, your capacity for sympathy and emotion. This guy can't do that, and you should not want to change for the worse just to please him (won't work, anyway).

 

So, forget him. Every time you start obsessing, FORCE yourself to think of something else. Think of the next great guy you're going to meet, who won't be such a jerk. Visualize a happy relationship with someone better suited to you, whenever you want to reminisce about lyour lost love with him. And stay busy. Make positive changes in your life.

 

It'll be ok.

[melodymatters]

I only really have two things to say :

 

first I have no IDEA what : "oh I see you're wearing a skirt and I like that, but it's better to be safe than sorry". THAT quote even MEANS ??? Whats safe about wearing a damn skirt ???

 

Also, they DON'T change. My ex H and I dated 5 yrs, got married and bought a house and he left a MONTH later !!! Within a couple of months he got involved with somone new and was also " prince charming" doing things he never did with or for me.

 

BUT....over a year later, fancy THIS, he is having the EXACT same problems with her that he and I had !!!

 

It won't last, so don't beat yourself up over it ! ( but do explain the safety of skirts if you get a chance !!)

[ShoeGirl]

I only really have two things to say :

 

first I have no IDEA what : "oh I see you're wearing a skirt and I like that, but it's better to be safe than sorry". THAT quote even MEANS ??? Whats safe about wearing a damn skirt ???

 

Also, they DON'T change. My ex H and I dated 5 yrs, got married and bought a house and he left a MONTH later !!! Within a couple of months he got involved with somone new and was also " prince charming" doing things he never did with or for me.

 

BUT....over a year later, fancy THIS, he is having the EXACT same problems with her that he and I had !!!

 

It won't last, so don't beat yourself up over it ! ( but do explain the safety of skirts if you get a chance !!)

 

I had the same two thoughts...

 

I can't come up with how he would see a skirt as safe... I can see him complimenting the skirt, but the "better to be safe than sorry" is confusing me.

 

And just wait a few months he will go back to how he normally acts, he is probably just trying to impress her.

[Reckless]

Like most people here I'm still trying to figure out not only what was offensive about the skirt remark but what it MEANT. Maybe it wasn't reported fully but its quite baffling...

 

Clearly though he's a bit of a slime and if he's all respect and love with his new flame the leopard will show its spots sooner or later. Never let another person tell you who you are or what you're value is. Wanting you as a fµ** buddy shows you what kind of guy he really is, is this the kind of person you want to evaluate your worth? That's like trying to rub grime off your face when the smudge is really on the mirror.

 

The best type of revenge is to be happy. No shame, no curling up in a ball, meet his eyes head on wish him well and get on with your life. Fake it until you feel it...

 

R

[MagnoliaJane]

Well... the skirt mystery translates like this:

 

Him and I see each other (at work), he starts talking about camping... then suddenly looks me up and down and says something about his "manly feelings", meaning: "I see you're wearing a dress and you know how I like that" (translates as I'd still like to f*ck you), but also adds that he won't act upon it "because it's better to be safe than sorry".

 

There's no mistake about my judgement here, he follows up later on this with an email saying "I still have all my manly feelings but I am confident we can work around that"

 

I didn't ask what the "working around that" means. I also hadn't inquired about his "manly feelings". And I didn't ask for more explanations because he doesn't like to explain himself (at least not when he doesn't do that spontaneously; he says that when he's put on the spot, he freezes up)

 

This came out of the blue, and I clearly felt what he wanted to say. When him and I were still a couple he used to say how "me wearing a dress would drive him wild". But while that may have been appropriate back then (although a little too much at times - he would also say sometimes "well if it makes me h*rd it will make other men h*rd too. As if I was to blame somehow for wearing a dress; I even threw one away I bought at H&M because he said it was "too sexy"... anyway, I digress...).

 

My whole point is, he broke up with me, and then when we see each other 4 months later, what is the FIRST thing that comes out of his mouth? Yes, this... So I felt reduced to ... and yes, I should have told him then and there that I would not take this kind of comment... and no, I didn't do this.

 

At the same time he is playing Mr. abstinence with his new gf "because he wants to show her that he is not just a man who wants a certain thing [s*x] from her".

 

Two different sides of the same face... so I can't help but wonder... why treat me like this, and someone else completely different? It is clear that he is not trying to show respect to me. And that makes me mad, after all the crap I took from him!

[spookie]

Wow, that was a really ****ty thing for him to say. I'd be angry too, and humiliated, and I woudl probably wonder why he's acting one way toward me when he's the opposite with the new girl.

 

But you know what? Anger is such a useless feeling. It's so negative and takes such a toll on you. Just let it go. Forgive yourself for the mistake you made in dating him, and just move on. There will always be ****ty people in the world - you were just unfortunate enough to have loved on. And jerk he sitll is, there is no doubt about that - just the fact that he made those comments to you proves it, not just becuase it was mean, but because, in saying that, he really disrespected the new girl.

 

Instead of thinking what she has that you don't, think about how lucky you are to have gotten away! If anything, you should feel sorry for her... how would you feel if you knew your boyfriend told his ex that her outfit turned him on?

[squeak]

Instead of thinking what she has that you don't, think about how lucky you are to have gotten away! If anything, you should feel sorry for her... how would you feel if you knew your boyfriend told his ex that her outfit turned him on?

 

EX-actly! You are so angry at the percieved difference in how he treats her vs you, you missed the punchline!

 

Mr. "I'm treating my new woman so right" just showed how much he is disrespecting his new woman by voluntarily blurting out sexual things to you that allude to how he is still attracted to you, while he is wooing new victim, er, I mean girl.

 

That was a godsend-you were given a tool to see how much of a tool he is!!

 

Instead you are internalizing it to mean this and that, but hon-he just revealed it all. Would you want to be with a guy who made that comment to his ex while romancing you??

 

Poor girl (the new one), you should feel sorry for her, at least you know what he is about now...she doesn't. He is not treating her in any good way by saying that stuff to you.....get it?? Good. Give him the cold shoulder, and pity them.

[MagnoliaJane]

I don't want to make this too technical, but he made this comment to me TWO DAYS BEFORE he got involved with "the woman who was made for him". So technically, he was still single then. So, yes, I can't help but making that comparison and I don't understand why all of a sudden he has changed in that matter and do find it unrespectful towards me... Me being an ex to him, is that all that is left, a nasty sexual comment? Mind you - we never had fights or anything - not even when he broke up with me. My guess is that he is trying to prove something here (with her), and that perhaps he's got a lot of passive agression bottled up inside him towards me and that's his way to express it (to me).

 

I guess you guys are going to say that I am overanalyzing and yes, I am. But I can't help feeling those feelings, the hurt about this... if a relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, I can accept that. But why do things have to become like this, why part like this, what's the point?