Karen07ann Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 [sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif][COLOR=#506aa8]Karen's Story[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I was married to Steve for twelve years. When we got married we agreed that if we had any problems that we would get counseling. I owned my own home when I met Steve and after we got married he moved in with me. I thought we had a good marriage and I loved him. Steve worked all the time doing construction work on the side, besides having a regular job. We didn't talk much and I realized he was very secretive. We still don't talk much and he is still very secretive. He brought his son, who had been kicked out of school and out of his mom's house, into our home and that caused a lot of problems. He spray painted swastikas on the bedroom walls, and shaved swastikas into the fur of the dog. He shaved all the cats’ hair off. He dealt drugs out of the house and strangers were turning up at all hours. On one occasion he brought an underage girl into the house and I told Steve she needed to leave before we went to bed. I found out later that instead of asking the girl go home, Steve had taken his son and the girl to a hotel for the night so they could have sex. Steve paid for the room. His two sons are in their thirties now and have hardly ever worked. One is in jail and has two children. The other has five children doesn't work and lives with his mother. Steve is very irresponsible with money. He ran up $40,000.00 in credit card debt about eight years ago. I took out a second mortgage on my house to help him pay off his debt. He told me he wouldn't use charge cards anymore. Steve would say things that he knew hurt my feelings, and wouldn't stop when I asked him to. He called African Americans the "N" word and I asked him to stop because I didn't like it. Then he would say "Nig**r!, Nig**r!, Nig**r!" and laugh at me. He would always say "Jesus F**king Christ" to me because he knew it upset me so much. Even though I begged him to stop. One time when Steve's brother was staying at my house I asked them about dinner. In front of his brother Steve said "I've got your dinner hanging between my legs!" I was so hurt and embarrassed. Steve has had three extra-marital infidelities that I know of. In 2001 he had an affair with a woman named Regina who was a married church going lady with three small children. When I became suspicious, I told Steve to pack his things and leave. He started crying, sobbing and begging me to forgive him. He promised me that he would change and that he would never do it again if he lived to be 80 years old. I tried to forgive and forget and tried to repair the marriage. It was very painful and difficult and took a long time before I felt any better. In 2004 I noticed that he started behaving strangely again. He told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He said he didn't know if he loved me. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me. I begged him to go to Church with me. He would just tell me that he "is not going!" I would call him and he wouldn't answer his cell phone or pager which before he would always answer. I noticed he wasn't at the jobs he was supposed to be at. I caught him in a lot of lies. He took off on a trip to London. He only told me four days before he left with no explanation other than he was going to visit one of his sons. In those days we drove to work together everyday. One day he dropped me off at work and surprised me when he told me he had to go to a vendor and that I had to find my own way home. When I came home he had left a post-it note in the kitchen saying "I'm sorry about leaving like this but there is no good way, Steve." He hadn't gone to see a vendor. He had gone home, packed up all his stuff and left. He didn't tell me where he moved and he didn't answer his phone. When I did find him I begged him to tell me what was wrong. It just about killed me. I have never gone through anything like that in my life. I begged him to come back and try one more time for a month and if it didn't work we could file for a divorce. After three months he finally agreed to try one more time and moved back in. He was still very distant. Then after six months he left me once again, never telling me he was leaving. He was just gone. Again I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. And once again I didn't know where he had gone to. In the end I spent two years of Thanksgivings and Christmases alone and in pain because he had deserted me twice. Then I found out that he was having another affair with a woman we both work with named Cathy. Some people at work told me that he had taken off his wedding ring. I had suspected something like this was the problem. I was broken hearted all over again. And so ashamed because everyone at work knows what he was doing and I still have to see this woman at work sometimes. Then I started looking through his things and I found out he had had run up another $80,000.00 in credit card debt again. He told me that they were his bills and none of my business. He said he would take care of it. While he was married to me he tried to have sex with his ex-wife Becky but she told him to leave. He behaved the same way when he was married to Becky, multiple infidelities and abandonment’s. He left her on Easter Day. He told her she'd been a good wife and a good mom but he didn't want to be married anymore so he filed for a divorce from her. Becky told me these things when she learned that Steve had left me. She said she could have told me earlier but didn't want to cause any problems. When he left me the second time he told me he wasn't filing for a divorce but that he didn't know what he wanted to do he said he needed space. He said it could be a year, or it could be five years before he decided what he wanted to do. He had rented a home for him and his 33 year old son to live in but his son didn't work. His son slept all day with his druggie friends coming in and out at all hours day and night. Steve said he hated his life. Last year he told me we only got back $300.00 from our joint tax returns. I found out that we really got back more than $4000.00 and he was trying to keep it all for himself and transferred it to a private account. When I asked him about it he finally confessed. He told me that I would have just "spent the money". About six or seven months after Steve left me the second time I decided to try and move on with my life. I went out on a few dates but nothing developed. Then I met a wonderful man, David. He was everything I had ever wanted. Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving and very honest. We started slowly, but after awhile we developed a strong friendship and I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me. I hired an attorney and I filed for divorce. When Steve was served with the divorce papers he finally phoned (He had been ignoring me up to that point) screaming and cussing at me out over the phone. He called me a f**king b**ch and said he was going to take half my house away from me in the divorce settlement. After I had been with David for around four months I knew our relationship was close to perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We thought alike and had the same values and interests. We were doing everything together and I was so happy. I slowly started feeling much better. I had started to heal from all the suffering Steve had caused. I guess because David was always kind and tried to help me feel better. I know David would never hurt me. After I had been with David about six months, Steve somehow found out. His son told his mother (Steve's first wife Becky) that "Dad found out Karen has a new man in her life and it's driving him crazy." Suddenly, Steve started to phone me all the time. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the bad things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to Church now. He said that he was willing to go counseling now. He said that now he wanted to turn his life around. He said I was still his wife and to please give him another chance to prove he had changed. I told David that I was having real problems feeling guilty with the situation. I told David and my Church counselor, Corado that if Steve really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. Corado said God can heal your marriage but we needed to work together and I needed to forgive Steve and try again. David was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that Steve was manipulating me. David said that my marriage to Steve was over the minute he abandoned me and committed all those adulteries. He said that I suffered from low self-esteem, and that the only reason Steve came back and is doing all this stuff now is because he is controlling me. I still felt guilty. I felt such pressure and told David I needed some space to figure this out. So he left me alone. Meanwhile Steve kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see Corado with Steve. Corado said that we couldn't rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed Steve to move back in. That was a mistake. I know that now. It has been so hard and I just don't feel the same. I have a hard time if he even touches my leg in the car. We started going to church together and he would cry and sob and plead with me telling me he had really changed this time. Just like he did after his affair in 2001. I feel so upset. I feel so guilty. Sometimes I feel like I'd be safer with a total stranger than to be with Steve who has done all these awful things to me. I always thought he was so nice until I found out what he was really doing to me and our marriage. I know now what he is really capable of doing. Now Steve follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. He intercepts my mail and steals what he doesn't want me to have. He went through my drawers and took pictures of David and me. These pictures had been taken long after Steve had left me. I keep telling Steve that David and I would have never met if he had been an honest husband. He found out my email password and stole all of my email he could before I deleted it. He has taken my self-help books and CD's. He goes to my parent’s house and searches it. He checks their caller ID. He has blocked my phone so that even my son couldn't call me. I had to phone the operator to find out how to unblock the phone. He checks the caller ID all day long and checks all the outgoing calls. He monitors every call I make. He put a GPS tracking device on my car. I had to go to Reseda and pay someone $40.00 to take it off. Before he put the tracking device on my car he followed me to work each morning, and home again at night. I think he might have put another tracking device on my car. I had another cell phone and he fixed it so that all the calls I received went to his cell phone. Then he destroyed that cell phone so that I would have to use one he gave me on from his account. Now he checks my cell phone calls on the Internet everyday and asks me about them. He drives to my workplace everyday to check on me and my car. He calls constantly. He checks my time card at work everyday to make sure I don't leave early without him knowing. He searches my car and takes things he doesn't want me to have. He won't leave the house and follows me from room to room. Whenever I go out he insists on coming with me. Even to the store. And then he just sits in the parking lot waiting. He invades everything I have and it drives me crazy. He is still very secretive and I never know what he is thinking or what he is up to. I catch him in lots of little lies almost every day. He secretly unplugged my phone when he went out. When I finally figured out what was wrong, I knew it was because he didn't want me to make any phone calls. When I asked him about it he said it was just an accident, but I know he's lying. And then I think how selfish of him, what if I had an emergency and needed to call the fire department? What if my elderly mother got sick and tried to call me for help? He left the house he was renting owing a lot of money. He told me that he had taken care of everything. Then the landlord started turning up at my house demanding the money Steve owed for overdue rent and damages. Steve kept trying to get away with not paying the landlord but I told him that was wrong. I told Steve he should pay the man what he owed him. So finally Steve put another $5000.00 on his credit cards to pay the landlord. I don't know why Steve is so far in debt. He makes nearly twice what I make. He lives in my house for free. He just pays the utility bill and he's even been late paying that. He started a side job remodeling a woman's kitchen last spring. She paid him $5000.00 up front. He's gone for months at a time without working on it. He lied to her and said he was sick and made up other excuses for not doing the work. It still isn't done to this day. I don't think that's fair to the lady. We sleep together but he knows I don't like him to touch me. I can't stand the thought of him kissing me, or being intimate with me. Just looking at him sometimes makes me ill. Just to know how much love I gave him and he still did all of those awful things. Steve keeps telling me over and over that he's been forgiven by God. He says that he has repented and that now I'm the problem. He says I'm an adulteress. He said that he just made a few poor choices. He said he didn't really abandon me; he just wanted a little space. He said that he has read the entire Bible 1 1/2 times. He tells people in the Church that I'm an adulteress and I feel so embarrassed. He kept asking me why I want to be with David. He asks me "Is it because he makes more money than me? Is it because his d**k is bigger than mine?" Steve makes me feel so cheap. He wrote an email to David and told him that I keep asking Steve for sex. That is so mean and hurtful and it is a lie. I have been seeking both religious and psychological counseling for my situation. I have had consultations with some very famous psycho-therapists and authors like Susan Forward and Beverly Engle. They all tell me that Steve displays all the characteristics of a psychopath. They have told me that his behavior is extremely controlling and he just wants to keep me from leaving a sick relationship. They say it is very unlikely that a man with 50 years of dysfunctional behavior will change. I went to one therapist named Monica who said that she spent years in the prison system dealing with murderers and child molesters and she said they all do the same thing as Steve: cry their eyes out and say that they have found Jesus. Steve gets upset when he learns that I've been to see counselors. (He has taken their books and CD's from me. Now he says he can't remember where he put them) He says that there is nothing wrong with him. He says that he doesn't know why he's done all the things he's done but he will never do them again. Just like he said in 2001 when he had the affair with Regina. I have to be honest, I miss David terribly. I think about him all the time. I have never loved anyone in my whole life more than I love David and I just know in my heart that he would never do anything like what Steve has done to me. In a way I still love Steve but it's not the same love I had. I feel he has made such a mess of his life, my life, his children's lives and his ex-wife's life too. She told me how much she had loved him also. He has been so selfish and I never would have thought he would ever have done what he has. He could have exposed me to so many sexually transmitted diseases and he didn't care. Steve's life is a mess but he's done everything to himself, so I don't know why I feel sorry for him. I was always a good and faithful wife to him. I don't know why I let him do what he is doing now. He has taken over my life. I am very unhappy. I wonder if starting a new life would be better than trying to fix everything Steve destroyed, and having to live with all the pain and the shame. I don't know why I find it so hard to get him out of my life. And I'm terrified of a future with him. I'm not afraid of him physically, but I am afraid of him. I'm too afraid of him to ask him to leave. David said that I should forgive Steve when I'm ready. But he said that I should forgive him from a distance. He said forgiveness doesn't mean that Steve does not pay the consequences for his actions. He said forgiveness doesn't mean I had to reunite with Steve. David doesn't believe that Steve has really changed. He said that Steve is distorting Christianity and the Scriptures for his own benefit. But he said that if Steve had truly changed then he will be a better person in his next relationship and maybe he won't bring such pain and suffering to the next person. David also said that if Steve truly cared for me, and if he had truly changed then he would not be controlling and manipulating me now. I just feel so confused and so guilty. When Steve cries all the time I feel sorry for him even though he made this whole mess himself. Then he begs me "Please don't throw me away." I know I don't deserve all this pain and the shame but I just don't know why I feel I have to stay with Steve when it's not what I want for my life. I know he's just using me. I know he's always used me, but I just can't help myself. I'm so afraid to do anything. I wish God would just come down from Heaven and fix everything for me. I feel frozen and afraid and I feel like David is probably right about Steve. I shouldn't believe him after what he has done. I even found a new credit card in his checkbook. I do trust David and I do feel safe with him and I love him. I don't trust Steve and I don't feel safe with him. So why am I so scared to do anything? I'm just so afraid of Steve and of change. I'm not physically afraid, but I'm afraid of hurting him. I don't know why I'm so concerned after all he's done.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If I leave Steve he'll have nothing and his life is such a mess. If I stay with him I know there's a huge risk he'll do it again. Now he's found out how to hack into my email at work. I hate being spied on like this, but it's my fault. If I hadn’t had a relationship with David then Steve wouldn't be doing all of this. He was never like that before. I just think I should try again with Steve and work on the marriage. I see him trying hard to change and maybe God really can change people. But it's just not the same. I can't stand to have him touch me. Sometimes I let him have sex with me because I feel sorry for him. But it makes me feel sick. He makes me feel guilty about everything. It's been a year now and nothing is better. What can I do? I miss David and think about him every day.[/FONT][/sIZE]
hope4best Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 It is not your fault. Don't tell yourself it is. Sometimes we do things that don't make a lot of sense, you can choose what you want to do. He has made his life what it is, you can go along for the ride for you can get off at the next stop. I wish I could be more help.
Darth Vader Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Have you tried to get Steve help? If he won't help himself, then contact a lawyer and divorce him. You say that you havn't slept with David? That's good, at least then you were doing what you could at the time. I would get tested for STDs though, Steve may have given you something. Delete all cookies, and internet history from your computer, don't use auto type, nothing. Because, I got to tell you, he may have your computer monitored by using a Keylogger, they monitor everything typed, even screenshots, they work in the background so it wouldn't be noticed, at least the really good ones do. Talk to your boss about the situation, if your boss is even somewhat good, he/she will work with you, even give you numbers to call, and get you help, you need the help now more than your husband. Get help for yourself, first. You can't even think about getting him help living like this. You've got to get out now! We'er still here for you, post when you can!
redfathom Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 All I can say is wow. I don't have any real advice, more of a question. Why is Steve's happiness more important then your own? I am not very religious but I remember hearing, "God helps thos who help themselves." Steve does not want help he wants someone to take on all the responsibilites. Someone posted on there something that went, why are the betrayed not the betrayers usually the ones on here wanting help. You should not feel guilty about anything, you did nothing wrong. Steve is taking advantage of you in the worst ways. It's your life to live the way you want to. No one's happiness should be out before your own, I know I tried to put my H first and then I realized that my happiness is just as important. There was a saying about being afraid to leave someones spouse because they weren't sure how they could take care of themselves, I am not sure if you feel that way but if you do, you should know that you have been taking care of yourself and others for a long time and it will only be easier when it is just you. I think you should see a financial planer to find out how you can leave your marriage with as much intact as possible. Good luck.
Melovator Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 This is going to be a long reply, because your situation really warrants it- and I'm hoping that Lady Jane will come in here too- this is much harder to do over the internet than in person and I'm concerned that sometimes what makes sense when I say it, may not make sense when I write it. So to summarise: Your H is- secretive accepting/ encouraging of illegal behaviours in YOUR home even though he knows it disrespects all of your moral and ethical values. Irresponsible with money and probably has a great deal of debt that you know absolutely nothing about in addition to what you do know about. Is he a gambler? Racist Disrespectful of your religious beliefs unless he wants to manipulate you with them. Socially Innapropriate "dinners between my legs! calling you an adulteress?!? Puh-lease! Probobaly sexist Takes off whenever he wants 'space' Sexually compulsive -how many affairs do you not know about? A coward- post-it note!Phhhhh Ignores you when it suits him, or more accurately when he knows that you still want him (ie ignoring your calls) HAs a clear pattern of behaving this way over and over again (ex-wives) Lies, lies, lies! (tax return etc) when you first sent him divorce papers he abused you and threatened you Then is only interested in getting back with you because you found someone else and were happy. Knowing you were religous he preys on that "I've found God" to raise doubts in your mind about the appropriateness if your relationship with David: Steve keeps telling me over and over that he's been forgiven by God. He says that he has repented and that now I'm the problem. He says I'm an adulteress. He said that he just made a few poor choices. He said he didn't really abandon me; he just wanted a little space. He said that he has read the entire Bible 1 1/2 times. He tells people in the Church that I'm an adulteress and I feel so embarrassed. He kept asking me why I want to be with David. He asks me "Is it because he makes more money than me? Is it because his d**k is bigger than mine?" Steve makes me feel so cheap. He wrote an email to David and told him that I keep asking Steve for sex. That is so mean and hurtful and it is a lie. This however is the most telling part of your story... Now Steve follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. He intercepts my mail and steals what he doesn't want me to have. He went through my drawers and took pictures of David and me. These pictures had been taken long after Steve had left me. I keep telling Steve that David and I would have never met if he had been an honest husband. He found out my email password and stole all of my email he could before I deleted it. He has taken my self-help books and CD's. He goes to my parent’s house and searches it. He checks their caller ID. He has blocked my phone so that even my son couldn't call me. I had to phone the operator to find out how to unblock the phone. He checks the caller ID all day long and checks all the outgoing calls. He monitors every call I make. He put a GPS tracking device on my car. I had to go to Reseda and pay someone $40.00 to take it off. Before he put the tracking device on my car he followed me to work each morning, and home again at night. I think he might have put another tracking device on my car. I had another cell phone and he fixed it so that all the calls I received went to his cell phone. Then he destroyed that cell phone so that I would have to use one he gave me on from his account. Now he checks my cell phone calls on the Internet everyday and asks me about them. He drives to my workplace everyday to check on me and my car. He calls constantly. He checks my time card at work everyday to make sure I don't leave early without him knowing. He searches my car and takes things he doesn't want me to have. He won't leave the house and follows me from room to room. Whenever I go out he insists on coming with me. Even to the store. And then he just sits in the parking lot waiting. He invades everything I have and it drives me crazy. I catch him in lots of little lies almost every day. He secretly unplugged my phone when he went out. When I finally figured out what was wrong, I knew it was because he didn't want me to make any phone calls. When I asked him about it he said it was just an accident, but I know he's lying. And then I think how selfish of him, what if I had an emergency and needed to call the fire department? What if my elderly mother got sick and tried to call me for help? He stalks you. He makes you feel guilty about HIS bad behaviour. Avoids responsibility (kitchen job) You do not like this man, can't stand the thought of him touching you. His life is a mess all self-induced. You have had lots of counselling but... OKay De-nile (denial) is not just a river in Egypt. You have had numerous people tell you what this man is, yet you are persisting in thinking that HIS problems are your problems. Uh-uh! NO FREAKING WAY. You have clearly spent a lot of time energy and effort in working on yourself, self-help books etc. And he hides them- why? Because he doesn't want you to be 'helped', he is not interested in your improvement as a person. This man's use for you is to make him feel better about himself by treating you with nothing but contempt. He is trying to steal your soul and your strength from you, and being a religous woman you know that that can never belong to him- it belongs to God. But he's trying isn't he? Weasling away at you. Using your belief to cripple your self-esteem, to make your church, your refuge, your sanctuary a place you feel embarrassed to go. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! HE IS. Steve is ABUSING YOU! No, you've made absolutely no reference to physical violence but you know what there does not have to be physical violence present for abuse to be present Abuse takes many forms: Emotional/Verbal abuse - Making threats resulting in the other person being afraid. Yelling & screaming, putdowns, swearing, name-calling. Constantly criticising and ridiculing for example body shape, intelligence, achievements, abilities or parenting skills. Mind games eg saying someone is imagining things, going crazy or is paranoid. Sulking, giving the silent treatment. Physical Abuse - Slapping, pushing, hitting, holding or pinning down, punching, kicking, choking, strangling, attacking with any weapon. Driving dangerously with others in the car. Punching holes in walls or doors. Damaging property or throwing objects or treasured possessions. Injuring pets. Sexual Abuse- Forcing someone to have sex or engage in sexual practices not of their choice. Using degrading terms like slut, whore or frigid. Social Abuse - Making it difficult to see or telephone friends or family or controlling social activities. Embarrassing the person in front of their family or friends for the purpose of reducing contact. Preventing the person from working, obtaining a driver’s licence or using a car. Stalking or checking up on the other person. Financial Abuse - Controlling the money or expecting the person to manage on an unreasonable amount. Calling them a freeloader. Making the other person account for every dollar spent. Getting the other person into debt. Spiritual Abuse - Preventing someone from pursuing their beliefs. Ridiculing the other person’s beliefs. Using religious texts to manipulate the other person’s behaviour. And the above information comes from a church based organisation, if your church counsellor is incapable of acknowledging his behaviour as abusive or acknowledges the abuse but doesn't address it... but I'm sorry that's actually enabling Steve to keep abusing you, because its saying to him 'God says its okay to treat your wife like a piece of cr@p'. Which it is not: see this random link and there's more out there: And to be perfectly frank in relationships where there is an extreme power imbalance marriage counselling does not achieve anything other than allowing the abuser another avenue of abuse- because how much of all of this does your counsellor know- what haven't you said to your counsellor and what haven't you said in your post? Even the anonymity of the internet has its limits. I don't know why I find it so hard to get him out of my life. And I'm terrified of a future with him. I'm not afraid of him physically, but I am afraid of him. I'm too afraid of him to ask him to leave. I know I don't deserve all this pain and the shame but I just don't know why I feel I have to stay with Steve when it's not what I want for my life. I know he's just using me. I know he's always used me, but I just can't help myself. I'm so afraid to do anything. I wish God would just come down from Heaven and fix everything for me. I feel frozen and afraid and I feel like David is probably right about Steve. I shouldn't believe him after what he has done. I even found a new credit card in his checkbook. I do trust David and I do feel safe with him and I love him. I don't trust Steve and I don't feel safe with him. So why am I so scared to do anything? I'm just so afraid of Steve and of change. I'm not physically afraid, but I'm afraid of hurting him. I don't know why I'm so concerned after all he's done.[/FONT][/sIZE] Human beings develop comfort levels in the most extreme of circumstances and the strength of your beliefs (and the strength that gives you as a person) has allowed you to balance on a very unstable surface for longer than any person should. You have taken control of your life before and found someone who sounds switched on and respectful- withdrew when you asked him- doesn't that tell you something really big? He loved you enough to let you go. Steve does not love you, he loves the way he feels good about himself when he makes you feel bad, he is addicted to controlling you and now that you ahve clearly demonstarted you can do better than fine without him he wants to take it from you, and he will keep taking from you as long as you let him. So his life is cr@p? That is not your problem, you have been carrying his emotional baggage for so long that you can't see that it DOESN"T BELONG TO YOU, it is his buden to carry. Put it down. You say you're not physically afraid of him but you are scared of leaving. This is a very common feeling, you are not the only person to experience this feeling. I would however, in light of his stalking- and it is stalking reccommend that you get in touch with your nearest Domestic Violence Service and talk to someone about this. I further concur with Darth- do not use any computer he could possibly have any access to. And red fathom on financials. Can you do any sort of search to see if he may possible have tricked you into signing anything you didn't mean to or if indeed he may have forged your signature- new credit card??????? Arrange to see a lawyer, or have a consultation via a phone he cannot have any acccess to. But- do not remain in this abusive relationship- you DO NOT deserve it. His problems are his and his alone to deal with, he will not do that and in fact uses the process against you. GET OUT NOW!!! I'm sorry if I've left anything out or if this post is confusing, its taken me an hour to do...
JamesM Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 All I can say is wow, too. If I leave Steve he'll have nothing and his life is such a mess. If I stay with him I know there's a huge risk he'll do it again. Now he's found out how to hack into my email at work. I hate being spied on like this, but it's my fault. If I hadn’t had a relationship with David then Steve wouldn't be doing all of this. He was never like that before. I just think I should try again with Steve and work on the marriage. I see him trying hard to change and maybe God really can change people. But it's just not the same. I can't stand to have him touch me. Sometimes I let him have sex with me because I feel sorry for him. But it makes me feel sick. He makes me feel guilty about everything. It's been a year now and nothing is better. What can I do? I miss David and think about him every day. First off, you are not responsible for Steve. He made his own choices, yet he wants you to think that it is your fault if you give him what he deserves. Second, I cannot fathom why you would think you are at fault. He cheat on you so many times, and yet you find someone you love after STEVE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, and somehow you think that you deserve to be spied on? I cannot understand that. Third, what the counselors said is true. People find God all of the time when they are in prison, yet they "lose" him when they get out. As the old saying goes, there are no atheists in foxholes. In other words, when danger or guilt is overriding or we are afraid we will lose what is important to us, we can then become "Christians," yet when one examines that religion, it is nothing but a cover. As a Christian, I can say that Steve has not shown the fruits of a truly converted man. He is doing nothing to win your love. In fact he is doing everything to make you feel like the one who caused all of the trouble. I can almost hear his yell of triumph when he found that YOU had "cheated" on him. He now became the victim and diverted all attention away from his many sins. What can you do? I think you know very well that leaving Steve is by far the best thing you can do for yourself. Then you can decide what you would like...David or being alone. Personally, as much as you love David, I think what you may need is some alone time before moving in with another man.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 ...and I'm hoping that Lady Jane will come in here too.. Ladyjane is just going to stand here holding your coat for you, Mel. You covered it all, baby. But... I will put this part from JamesM up one more time, so Karen can read it twice. "As the old saying goes, there are no atheists in foxholes." Steve's actions don't match his words, Karen.... he's still bullsh*ting you.
tinke Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 there is so much to say.... what i immediately noticed is that you are running from one man to another, why? even during the dark moments with steve, instead of feeling....h#ll no, i need to get out to survive, or i am better than this...your thoughts are to missing the other man and what he says about steve. what are YOUR thoughts? why are you looking for someone else to rescue you? you are responsible for going back into it. why not leave (if that is your decision), file a restraining order for protection (based on past behavior, and probably new threats), and get your life in order, before inviting another into it? instead of looking at the poor behavior of your husband...why not stand up and say...d#mn, i made a huge mistake, and i need to make some healthy changes. you don't need another man waiting in the wings to direct your moves. it has to come from you. plus, it is much more alluring for someone to work on their issues and make an honest attempt to get things together, and then invite someone to share with you. are you afraid of being alone? now, as you know..your h. sounds very, very immature, and i would bet he has very low self-esteem. no longer your problem!!!!! you made it your problem when you continued to stay with him in spite of his outlandish behavior. ask yourself, are you only tempted to leave now because someone else came in the picture? i cannot believe his (h) behavior got so much worse, it probably always was poor. i guess i am saying, make sure you are leaving for the right reasons...for your survival, happiness, etc. it might be a mistake if you are leaving only because your heart found another. who knows what the future holds. but it would be much more meaningful if you felt you needed to leave for YOUR dignity.
Darth Vader Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 If you do make phone calls, make them from a public payphone, and switch payphones from time to time, Steve can't track a payphone, at least not that I'm aware of, but even if he could, that's why I said to switch payphones, so he can't get a lock on you! In the very least, he can't tap them all! See, Steve's problem is that he doesn't recognize that he has a problem. Just like an alcoholic, he has to seriously admit there's a problem, that's the first step, the next is actually getting the help he needs, and getting that help takes time. But, YOU can't do it for him, he has to do it for himself!
Gunny376 Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I read 1/16th of your post and some of the comments, and I'm like what in the Hell! Where in the Hell did you ever get it in your brain housing group that you deserve a guy like this? Where in the Hell did you get in your head that that this is the best you can do? Dump this SOB! Like a bad habit! Where along your path did you get the idea that just because you were born with a vagina that you don't deserve respect, just because you were born with a pair of T&A's that you don't deserve respect and love? I'm most definately not a new age sensitive guy ~ far from it! But you need to tell this POS to go pound sand in his ass! You need this guy like I need my X? Like a fish needs a bycicle!
LakesideDream Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Ah... this is real nonsense. Karen, you have a man attached to you who is mentally defective. He is definetely a sociopath, and probably a psycopath as well. You are in danger every moment you are within reach of him. Heck, you know that don't you? All is not well in your head either as you let this stuff happen. This is America, in the 21st century. The Law and all of society's rules are tilted in your favor. You can walk away any time you want. Yet you don't because you "feel guilty". For what? Did you abuse a puppy when you were a kid? What's not "right" about walking away from an abusive bigot, with neo-nazi drug addicted children? You will have to sacrifice for your sanity though. It will cost you $$ for sure. Steve'O has run up the bills to control you. You must let that go. You can't spend money or enjoy your house if he croaks you, or if the bill collectors get tired of the chase and just attach everything. Have a long talk with yourself and decide which is more important. Your house of your safety. If you feel it's necessary and read the bible two or three times yourself. You won't find anything there that justify's his behavior, his rhetoric maybe, but not his behavior. You sound like your are near my age. Believe me, it's not that hard to begin again. It's past time to walk away and don't look back. If Steve'O can't handle it, go to the court and get a TRO, then HIDE! Once you feel safe for 24 hours contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Getting a TRO will be easy to get believe me. You may end up moving to another City, or State... you might even change your name. So what? You'll be alive when you do it and ultimately you will have freedom again.
Author Karen07ann Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Thank you for reading my post and responding. I feel so scared. I'm afriad of making a wrong decision. I know I'm being used. But I've always been a chicken and avoided confrontations. My friends always tell me that I constantly made excuses for Steve, and minimize all the bad things he does. One of my counselors said that Steve must be fulfilling a powerful need for me. I don't know what it is. There's nothing that I know he has that I want. I just see him really trying to change. I'd hate to leave him as he has nothing and has made his life a mess.
PWSX3 Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I'd hate to leave him as he has nothing and has made his life a mess. You just said it; "HE" has made a mess of his life & it isn't your responsibility to fix it for him....
tinke Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 c'mon now....re-read your thread and posts............................... all decisions bring some effect. IF this new man did not enter your life, would you have left steve? i only bring this up, because if you do leave, it has to be for YOU.... regardless of new man. YOU are responsible for YOU. just curious......if your h. is so contolling...is he reading these posts????????
Author Karen07ann Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 I know he's done everything to himself. I don't know why I feel responsible. He begs me to give him one more chance. He tells me that his life will be ruined if I leave him. He crys and begs whenever he feels that I am thinking of leaving and I just can't stand that. He asks me all the time "Don't you see I'm changing?". I see him reading the Bible and going to Church now. We get into fights because he keeps acusing me of seeing David. I don't know where he thinks I would get the time. He tracks me wherever I go. He also has people following me and reporting back to him. He makes me feel guily for not trying hard to mend the marriage. He makes me feel guilty for not believing hard enough that God can fix him and everything. He makes me feel guilty for even thinking about David because I know I shouldn't if I'm trying to fix the marriage. I'm being watched all the time. I don't know if he's read any of this. He doesn't tell me much. He's secretive. He works for the same big company that I do and I think he got another person from Church who works for our company in security, to break into my email account. So I just assume he's reading my email. I thought about turning them in, but it's a big time offense and they would both be fired. I don't want that to happen.
tinke Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 i don't understand...IF he truly is soooo controlling, i would think he would forbid you to type your/his personal life to strangers???????????? it doesn't make sense!! he cannot "make you feel guilty", only you can. YOU control your feelings, YOU control what is acceptable or not. with this, comes responsibility, accountability.
Darth Vader Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I know he's done everything to himself. I don't know why I feel responsible. He begs me to give him one more chance. He tells me that his life will be ruined if I leave him. He crys and begs whenever he feels that I am thinking of leaving and I just can't stand that. He asks me all the time "Don't you see I'm changing?". I see him reading the Bible and going to Church now. We get into fights because he keeps acusing me of seeing David. I don't know where he thinks I would get the time. He tracks me wherever I go. He also has people following me and reporting back to him. He makes me feel guily for not trying hard to mend the marriage. He makes me feel guilty for not believing hard enough that God can fix him and everything. He makes me feel guilty for even thinking about David because I know I shouldn't if I'm trying to fix the marriage. I'm being watched all the time. I don't know if he's read any of this. He doesn't tell me much. He's secretive. He works for the same big company that I do and I think he got another person from Church who works for our company in security, to break into my email account. So I just assume he's reading my email. I thought about turning them in, but it's a big time offense and they would both be fired. I don't want that to happen. Lady, you've got to do something, even if it gets them fired. Them getting fired is not your fault, it's theirs! You didn't mess up Steveys life, HE DID! Stop taking blame for other peoples actions, when the only one you can control is yourself! These counselors, if they're trying to tell you to stay with Steve, are Flakes, Steve may even be paying them off, see another counselor that Will help you to get out of that marriage! They have the info right there at their office to help you get started! Remember delete history and cookies. We're all here fo you!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:
tinke Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 are you sure counselors are encouraging you to stay with steve? are these actually licensed practitioners? is this the way you are perceiving it? most unusual that a counselor would suggest that. they do not want to make your decisions, simply help you find your path...there job IS NOT to make your decisions, usually they will echo statements back to YOU, for you to seek answers. sorry, but it seems that you are posting blame on other people..husband, kids, counselors, work people, what david says, etc. where is your accountability in all this?????????? your responsibility?????? it's easy to sit back and let others make decisions for us and then complain when they are not meeting the needs...so why don't YOU make a stance and guide where you want your life to go. make some independent decisions about your life and then follow through. you can do this!
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