DMonkey Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Hey all.. First of all i'm not sure if this is the right part of the forum to post this in.. if it isnt then sorry.. So here's the deal.. I have agoraphobia and as a result spend lots of time on the pc.. So online i met this girl and developed a huge crush on her over the course of 3 years.. I mean she is perfect in every single way.. But sadly she doesnt like me back.. And ofcourse me liking her developed this annoying tension and it came to the point where i felt that I would be better off cutting off all contact. Deleted every email, every history log, blocked her screennames, etc. But now, 11 months later, I still think about her every day.. So i wrote an email to her a couple of days ago (she hasnt replied yet), but it brought back everything to mind and the sleepless nights, nauseous feeling etc. just thinking about her.. I have no idea how to sort myself out. I cant handle this anymore. I want to move on but i just can't.. Coupled with having no self-esteem and not having much of an ability to meet new people.. Am I screwed? If anyone has any idea what i can do, please please help me out because I'm going nuts over here and i'm tired of it.. Thanks in advance..
uniqueone Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 You're thinking about her because you're always online and you dont have any other interests. So, that's what you need to do...develop other interests and meet people. That might help your self esteem as well. You say youre agoraphobic. Why do you think that is? The only way to get over it is to force yourself. I just forced myself to get over a fear recently and I'm glad I did. What have you got to lose?
Author DMonkey Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Oh trust me i'm trying that but it's not as easy as it sounds.. I've had it before i knew here too, btw. But even if i wasnt agoraphobic i dont think i could get her out of my mind, i really feel like she is the one and i ****ed it up..
westernxer Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I'm somewhat reclusive as well, but I'm starting to understand the value of interacting with strangers in public. Eye contact and a friendly smile go a long way with the women, and makes it easier to establish something more lasting -- provided they're not hiding something, like a boyfriend. LOL
uniqueone Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Oh trust me i'm trying that but it's not as easy as it sounds.. I've had it before i knew here too, btw. But even if i wasnt agoraphobic i dont think i could get her out of my mind, i really feel like she is the one and i ****ed it up.. You only knew her online, right?
Author DMonkey Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 You only knew her online, right? Yeah that's right. I know it's geeky but whatever..
uniqueone Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Yeah that's right. I know it's geeky but whatever.. Then I don't think you can really say she's the one. Have you fought? Have you argued? Do you know what she's like when she doesnt' get her way? Do you know if there's physical chemistry? (you can't...that's something you can only know in person). Do you know if you like her voice? Do you know if she lies? Cheats?
Author DMonkey Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Then I don't think you can really say she's the one. Have you fought? Have you argued? Do you know what she's like when she doesnt' get her way? Do you know if there's physical chemistry? (you can't...that's something you can only know in person). Do you know if you like her voice? Do you know if she lies? Cheats? yes to all except for the physical chemistry
funkybassplayer Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 guess im screwed huh o but you have to try and move on, you wrote the email, and nothing more you can do, but eighter way, there are many healthy relationships out there to be had, and it will come, even if it takes a little longer. If its any conserlation, you can fall in love with a person in the flesh, only to find that person was never there and was just an illusion.
uniqueone Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 yes to all except for the physical chemistry You said you only knew her online. I'm guessing then that you also talked on the phone? You need to be a little more clear as to what the relationship entailed. You're idolizing her. I'll bet if she was calling you all the time, you'd no longer be idolizing her. This is how we seem to be wired.
Author DMonkey Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Actually it was just a couple of voicemails for a laugh.. But yeah, I actually thought that myself too, that i might be idolizing her.. Still, how do i "un-idiolize" her then? hah
uniqueone Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Actually it was just a couple of voicemails for a laugh.. But yeah, I actually thought that myself too, that i might be idolizing her.. Still, how do i "un-idiolize" her then? hah If you don't start getting out and meeting people, you're going to continue to live in your fantasy world. A long, long time ago, I did that myself. It's safer that way. But it's not living. You need to stop living in your mind and start living out in the world. That's all up to YOU. You have to want to. Until you do, you're going to keep living in this fantasy. Now, if you knew her IRL, there would be a chance to de-idolize her. But since you don't...and since you're no longer in contact with her....you only have the fantasy image of her and nothing else. Have you sought any help for your problems with socialization? You also lean towards obsessiveness and that might need to be addressed too.
Author DMonkey Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 Yeah im seeing a psych to deal with my agoraphobia, it's getting a bit better i must say..
kittensmittens Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hi DM, I'm sorry for the troubles you're going through. I think that the others have made a few valid points. For nearly the last 4 years I had my bf up on a pedestal. He was the most amazing, wonderful, perfect human being ever. There was NO ONE who could ever possibly be as wonderful as he was.....he was perfect. Well, when you hold someone that high, there's really no place to go but down, and boy did he. He came crashing down! Many of his good qualities were not even really him, and this person who I so trusted and believed to be so honest and mature.....turned out to be quite immature and a liar. This sensitive soul turned out to be a manipulative and callous jerk. No one is perfect and I learned that lesson the hardest way. I know how difficult it is to let go of all of the emotional investment, the devotion, and.....yes, the illusion. I promise she is not as perfect as you think, and she could very well be even less perfect than that. At best, she's human. FBP made an excellent point in saying we can fall in love w/ a person in the flesh only to find they are an illusion. I think that the liklihood of falling in love w/ an illusion over the internet is even greater b/c it's much harder to tell if actions match words, etc., and the info you are receiving is filtered by that person. Perhaps you could transition into RL dating by joining a dating site and meeting up (off the computer) w/ someone you meet on there. Maybe it would be less intimidating that way than chatting people up at coffee shops or whatever. Just please don't hold onto the belief that she is perfect, especially when she has made herself unattainable. You will only continue to deny yourself happiness, b/c that's what I did...
Author DMonkey Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 Thanks for all your reactions everyone.. Yeah. I realise that I might be idiolizing her. Still.. How do I forget about it all and move on? I'm having too much trouble with that step..
uniqueone Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Thanks for all your reactions everyone.. Yeah. I realise that I might be idiolizing her. Still.. How do I forget about it all and move on? I'm having too much trouble with that step.. I think that's already been said. You need to get out and meet people. Since you can't see her flaws-- because you're not in contact with her IRL (or even online anymore)---then you don't have that as an option. An option that you DO have is to find others. I could give you some tips on how not to think of her, however, I've given these tips before and I don't know if people here pay any attention to them so I hesitate to retype them.
uniqueone Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I'd love to hear those tips! From another thread I posted this on... When you start thinking about the good moments, yell "STOP!" and then quickly think of something else. Don't let your mind take you there. You have control over what you're thinking about. Remember that. When it starts to go there, just shut it off like a faucet. It will NOT help you to ruminate about it. And do not visualize it. Just tell yourself you're going to push it out of your mind for now.....it'll always be there to come back to later if you want. Just remember the STOP! technique.
Author DMonkey Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 So.. It's october now.. And I'm still where I was one year ago.. I am hopeless
Sanslatete Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 No, you're not hopeless, but nobody said this was going to be a quick-fix. I'm still grieving over my broken relationship but I try to do similar to what uniqueone said above. If you find yourself lingering in the past, it'll take you down. Try to block the good memories (very difficult I KNOW) and substitute them with something else. Go do a crossword or a jig-saw, anything that takes your mind off it. It really isn't good for you to stay anchored in the past, it is the past after all and there's nothing you can do to change it, no time machine unfortunately. If there was, you'd be way behind me in the que trying to regain what you had. Bear with it, try to be 'in the present' and good luck, we're all in the same situation here so you're by no means alone.
Author DMonkey Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Every time i think that i'm moving on it comes back and hits me in the damn face. I've had consecutive nightmares about it for the past few days now.. And even now it is 4 AM but I still can't sleep. She also wont return my e-mails. "Being friends" isnt gonna work she says, in the 1 e-mail she sent.. but she won't answer any of my questions. The one that is truly killing me is "why was she able to like someone else online, but not me?".. All i can think of is that my personality must really suck. I know that I am being very annoying and stuff but still, I cannot understand why the girl I have spent so much time talking to now cannot be bothered to take 5 minutes of her time to at least help me out. I am literaly sick of this. The don't think about it stuff works, but not at nighttime / before going to bed because there is nothing to distract me. It is really tearing me to pieces. I thought it would be better by now (it has been over a year since we last spoke, apart from that 1 email), but it is only getting worse and worse as days pass. Ofcourse this doesnt help my confidence either and I consider myself to be the biggest damn loser. I mean seriously? Who goes all crazy like this, specially over someone online?? I also think the idiolisation of her is killing me, noone even comes close. At this point I would pick her over Adriana Lima , and that says a lot for me . But as mentioned before in this thread, I have no way to de-idolize her because I am no longer in contact with her. I have even taken a peak at those online dating sites but none of those girls even come close to this one.. I am going to have to come to terms with dying alone and unhappy :/
EricOnTheWeb Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Hey all.. First of all i'm not sure if this is the right part of the forum to post this in.. if it isnt then sorry.. So here's the deal.. I have agoraphobia and as a result spend lots of time on the pc.. So online i met this girl and developed a huge crush on her over the course of 3 years.. I mean she is perfect in every single way.. But sadly she doesnt like me back.. And ofcourse me liking her developed this annoying tension and it came to the point where i felt that I would be better off cutting off all contact. Deleted every email, every history log, blocked her screennames, etc. But now, 11 months later, I still think about her every day.. So i wrote an email to her a couple of days ago (she hasnt replied yet), but it brought back everything to mind and the sleepless nights, nauseous feeling etc. just thinking about her.. I have no idea how to sort myself out. I cant handle this anymore. I want to move on but i just can't.. Coupled with having no self-esteem and not having much of an ability to meet new people.. Am I screwed? If anyone has any idea what i can do, please please help me out because I'm going nuts over here and i'm tired of it.. Thanks in advance.. Wow.... simply WOW.... this sounds just like me in every way. I know what this feels like man..trust me I do... It really really really sucks . I had a big crush online myself, and still not fully over it. Online relationships can be tough, as I have found out. Try to just tell yourself it wasn't meant to be and that you will find love in real life this time, not online. Easier to say than do...I know that for a fact....It's tough man....real tough. Get off the computer, all it does is remind you of her, and you get tempted to check her Myspace, or email don't you.. Unhook the computer and get rid of it....Last year Ithrew my computer out the window....we're talking a 1200 dollar Dell not even a year old. Thats how much feelings I had, and being lonely as hell...I just knew I wanted the damn thing out of my house. Get rid of the computer, and try something new. Easier said than done, but it has to be done....Just try it for a month....challenge yourself to stay off the computer for a whole month, with no exceptions... I'm about to do that myself very soon. I know how this feels.....
Author DMonkey Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I was studying for an exam i have next week.. but I couldnt concentrate at all because of this situation.. So in a moment of weakness I decided to to go irc.. to ask if she had a moment to spare.. I really feel that talking to her about stuff will help me de-idolize her you know.. but yeah anyway.. She literally said "I don't want this crap right now".. This crap.. wow. That really hurt me. It's like, she couldnt give a **** if I killed myself because then she'd finally be rid of me.. I want nothing more than to hate her, but still i cant de-idolize her. what the hell is wrong with me. And.. why does she hate me.. .
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