IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 For those of you who don't know, I have a 1 year old daughter and her biological father is my ExMM. He also has 3 other children by his 1st and current wives. The oldest (21) has never really shown any interest at all in her (just like xMM) but the younger two (especially her sister) have and they have all hung out with her and spent time with her and know she is their half-sister. I could see how much her sister truly loves her and it breaks my heart... When I originally decided I would never again have any contact with xMM or his family I also decided to still send pictures every year of my daughter to her siblings (the younger ones, current ages 4 and 9). Then I decided I would not even do that, I'd just let them contact her if they wanted to when they are all older. Well, I got my daughter's 1 year portraits taken today and I was making a list of everyone I am going to be sending them to and I thought about them. I would like them to have pictures of their sister every year.... but I don't want to cause or start up any drama with that family. I don't want ANYTHING from them, I just want my daughter's siblings to see their sister grow up. My mom told me as long as xMM is married to BW I need to not send anything to the kids because that is in a way involving him and I need to have ABSOLUTELY no involvement with him at ALL. I don't want any kind of involvement with him, but I do want to send a picture to each of the kids. I am not trying to initiate any further contact... just pictures. Should I send them pictures every year or should I just let that idea go and let them contact her when they are all older on their own terms?
justice Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 That's one tough situation you have there. My sympathies because I'm sure it isn't easy for you, the sibs or later on, your daughter when she is older. I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation, the siblings aren't really old enough right now to make balanced decisions, but I can see your point in their right to know their sister. It's a sad thing really. I think I'd wait a few years and let them make up their own minds regarding the whole deal. How does the mother feel about them having contact with their sister? Just curious because at this young point, that might have alot to do with helping you to decide what to do.
child_of_isis Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I wouldn't send pictures. 4 and 9 is too young to grasp "stuff" I would think. I would just allow them to do their own thing when older if they choose to. I don't think they will ever see one another as "true" sisters. In their mind, they probably will always connect your child with the A and the bad times their family went through. Not now at this young age, but when older. As sad and painful as it all is as time goes by.....I'd say eventually, it will all be swept under the rug by that entire side of the family....mom/dad, and siblings. I am glad to see that you have pulled yourself out of this mess. You had me worried for a while. Just keep keeping on. Stay in reality. The reality is, eventually, you will meet a nice man, marry, have children. You daughter will have her own family.
IpAncA Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 You know as sad as this is I wouldn't send the pictures. They know they have a half sister and maybe when their older things will be different. If you want no contact with the ExMM and his family then leave it at that. You might be better off it you just went your own way. How does the mother feel about them having contact with their sister? Just curious because at this young point, that might have alot to do with helping you to decide what to do. This will be a problem if the mother has a problem with it. The children are too young to do anything over her.
child_of_isis Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Most likely the mother will destroy the pictures before anyone gets to see them. For some reason, women always gets the mail.
IpAncA Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Most likely the mother will destroy the pictures before anyone gets to see them. For some reason, women always gets the mail. Yep I agree.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I can't imagine any good that could come of further confusing a 4 and a 9 year old. They are innocent in this as your own daughter is, I hope that they could be spared any more drama and pain than that the adults in their lives have already inflicted. I can't imagine who could possibly benefit from this. Possibly when they are older they will seek her out. The only person who I might consider sending the picture to would be the paternal grandparents and only if I knew that they would be happy to receive them. I'm sorry that her father isn't involved in her life, that is very sad for her.
Author IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Yeah, what the majority of you said are right. I won't send the pictures. I definitely do NOT want to start any kind of conflict at all. I am very happy with the way things are going in my own life and I don't want to upset the balance at all in anyone's lives. And they probably would throw away the pictures anyway. When I was thinking about sending the pictures I was going to just put them in an envelope with nothing else, but I know I shouldn't even do that. They swept her under the rug once before, I am sure they are doing it again. As for the paternal "grandparents." No. Never. xMM doesn't have a father (never knew his biological dad and the one he considered "dad" passed away in a car crash that xMM was a direct witness of at age 5 and seriously traumatized him) and I have never heard his mother say ONE remotely nice thing about my daughter (HER biological grandaughter) and especially myself (which is hypocritical because she was involved with a MM for a much longer time than I was when xMM was young... great example for him). She has NEVER showed an interest in my daughter and even tried to convince her SON that she was probably not HIS. For the record, there is absolutely NO DOUBT of the paternity of my child, unfortunately. I haven't slept with anyone else since my exBF over 2 1/2 years ago. I have never seen nor spoken to that woman. Just heard what she has said about me and my daughter. My own mother thinks it is disgusting for someone to have a grandchild out there and not try to know them at all or care about them. She can't imagine not ever seeing her precious grandaughter. Better to keep her swept under the rug, eh? Oh well, her uninvolvment and non-compassion for her biological grandaughter has made it easier for me and my situation. The whole picture thing was just a thought. A fleeting one. Thanks for all of your input. I am washing my hands clean of them all, completely. If they (her siblings) choose to contact my daughter later, that's fine. But I won't be initiating ANYTHING ever again, not even by sending pics of her every year.
Author IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 I'm sorry that her father isn't involved in her life, that is very sad for her. Let me make one thing clear. I don't want her father involved in her life. I could never trust her with him alone. I could never trust him to be a good role model. I could never trust him, period. And I want her to have a father she can trust and I can trust to be a good father to her. I'll find him one day. If I wanted him involved in her life, he would be. I would be getting financial child support and, in turn, he would be getting visitation. But there is no way I could hand my child over to somebody like that. Ever. I might get flamed for that, but I want was it BEST for my little girl. She is my world. And I can't send my daughter to a home like that or a person like that. Sure I wasn't doing what was best for her by getting involved with him again. But I learned a LOT from that experience. More than I can put into words. And now that I really know what kind of a person he is, I know that he can never be a part of her life.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 And I want her to have a father she can trust and I can trust to be a good father to her. I'll find him one day. Now THAT sounds like a plan! "Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish." – Ovid
enoughisenough Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 They are too young (def the 4 y/o) to understand what having a "half-sister" means. Eventually they will realize their father shagged another woman while married and will be devastated. This will cause some extreme pain and I don't think you should really stick your nose into someone else's kids lives. The only person who you could appropriately send a pic to is probably nobody but if you so need to connect.. try some ADULTS in the situation like the 21 y/o or the grandparents. But it seems they don't want anything to do with you so you are going for the most vulnerable victims. She probably knows what went down, but don't intrude and force the news on some young kids at the ages of 4 and 9 years old! Are you nuts?? You sound needy for some kind of familial connections and siblings for your child and in reality, those kids might end up hating you when the realize what happened. I think what you are contemplating is even somewhat sick in nature. Or it might be more of a means to get this MM to think about you again.Of course the wife won't let the pictures grace upon her child's eyes. I'm sorry, but the WIFE WAS VERY CORDIAL TO YOU after she found out about the affair... until she found out you took ADVANTAGE Of her hospitality by subsequently SCREWING HER HUSBAND IN THE SAME ROOM HIS KIDS, YOUR CHILD AND HER WERE SLEEPING IN!!!! Get over your "I am a victim" self! Each post you make rings "I AM A VICTIM HELP". Exactly what do you expect to get accomplished by sending the CHILDREN those pics? You want them to beg and plead their parents to see their "half-sister" and cause a dramatic mess??? You seem like you want to further impose other people with your crap and enough is enough already. You've already made their life a living hell as it is and you want to further torment? 1
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Legally you should have his name OFF the birth certificate. If he isn't going to be a part of her life, nor send $$, then he has NO rights. Not now, not in the future either. Talk to a lawyer. Then, live your life, be happy and never look back.
Author IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 They are too young (def the 4 y/o) to understand what having a "half-sister" means. Eventually they will realize their father shagged another woman while married and will be devastated. This will cause some extreme pain and I don't think you should really stick your nose into someone else's kids lives. The only person who you could appropriately send a pic to is probably nobody but if you so need to connect.. try some ADULTS in the situation like the 21 y/o or the grandparents. But it seems they don't want anything to do with you so you are going for the most vulnerable victims. She probably knows what went down, but don't intrude and force the news on some young kids at the ages of 4 and 9 years old! Are you nuts?? You sound desperate and needy for some kind of familial connections and siblings for your child and in reality, those kids might end up hating you when the realize what happened. I think what you are contemplating is even somewhat sick in nature.Or it might be more of a means to get this MM to think about you again.Of course the wife won't let the pictures grace upon her child's eyes.I'm sorry, but the WIFE WAS VERY CORDIAL TO YOU after she found out about the affair... until she found out you took ADVANTAGE Of her hospitality by subsequently SCREWING HER HUSBAND IN THE SAME ROOM HIS KIDS, YOUR CHILD AND HER WERE SLEEPING IN!!!! Get over your "I am a victim" self! Each post you make rings "I AM A VICTIM HELP". You want them to beg and plead their parents to see their "half-sister" and cause a dramatic mess??? You seem like you want to further impose other people with your crap and enough is enough already. You've already made their life a living hell as it is and you want to further torment? Did you not read a word I wrote? Are you that dense that you did not get that I do not want to CAUSE any further trauma to that family? All I said was that I was contemplating sending pictures (and pictures ONLY!) to my daughter's siblings once a year. That's it. And it was just a thought.... as aforementioned, it was a FLEETING thought. It just passed through my mind because, contrary to what you obviously believe, I do have a heart and it breaks a little picturing that little girl's look on her face when she was playing with my daughter. I just wanted them to be able to SEE a PICTURE of their sister once a year. That's it. And then I decided, with the help of others on this board, that it would be best to just let them decide when they are older if they want to contact her (when she is also old enough to decide that she wants to see them). I realize the kids are going to end up hating me if they don't already, do you think I am that dense? I am not trying to be needy or ANYTHING of that sort!! I was just thinking that THEY might like to see their BLOOD RELATED SISTER once a year in a picture. It really wasn't that crazy of a thing for me to think about! I do NOT want XMM to think about me. I don't want to think about him. I have closed that chapter of my life and I am not ever going to go back to that wretched frame of mind again, EVER. What are you thinking?? NO, I do not think I am a victim and I haven't said that I am. I AM getting over xMM, more so now than EVER before. Things are going really great in my life.... much better than when I was involved with him, trust me. Sure I still think about him from time to time, but I no longer have a longing for him. At all. I have no further hope or WISH for anything to happen with him again. I do not want him in my or my daughter's lives. Period. This was about my daughter's siblings seeing their sister. If I had a sister out there that I never saw I sure as heck would love to see a picture of her every year!! I don't want to further torment ANYBODY. I don't want to cause a dramatic mess. I already stated several times that it was a fleeting though. But it's gone, trust me. Long gone. It's not like I want to SEE any of them. Ever. I want nothing of the sort. I just remember how much my daughter's sister seemed to love her and that hurts my heart a little when I think about it.
Author IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Legally you should have his name OFF the birth certificate. If he isn't going to be a part of her life, nor send $$, then he has NO rights. Not now, not in the future either. Talk to a lawyer. Then, live your life, be happy and never look back. His name is not on the birth certificate. It never has been. He has absolutely no rights to her right now. I will talk to a lawyer, though. Just to be sure.
Author IWALH Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 They are too young (def the 4 y/o) to understand what having a "half-sister" means. Eventually they will realize their father shagged another woman while married and will be devastated. By the way, the 9 year old has been told what having a half-sister means, she knows very well that my daughter is also her father's daughter. Oh and they already know he "shagged" another woman because their mother yelled in front of them that "daddy has been sticking his penis in other women's vaginas." Yep, in FRONT of the children. Among MANY other things that shouldn't be witnessed by young children. I'm sorry, but no matter WHAT someone has done to you, you do NOT scream and cuss and say horrid things like that in front of children. Yes, I might have LET HIM sleep with me when they were sleeping nearby (did I ever mention that I had been drinking that night? I wouldn't have allowed that to happen in the same room had I not been drinking... for the record, I don't drink at ALL anymore!), but I would never outright say such nasty things in front of kids... that, to me, is worse than what I allowed to happen. Maybe I really do need to stop reading/posting on these boards. It just drudges up awful memories... everything else is going smoothly in my life and when I come here it's like back to square one for a few minutes. UGH!!!
Mino Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Hi, Iwalsh, Please calm down, you are dealing with some sTupid Bish BW, She has nothing better to do then harrass ow, causes she has a cheating H on her hands, You are doing great, sweetie, don't let this angry bs get to you, she is not worth your time or energy...... ( Hugs) MINO
child_of_isis Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 No no no no! Don't listen to that crap. What's done is done. The past is the past. You are moving on. There are a lot of folks on LS who are very proud of you for getting yourself out of this mess. Man, he had you bad. It took great strength from you to do what you did. Now thank the Goddess every day that bs took him back and you found him out before it was too late. Just think...you could have gotten stuck with him. What kind of life would that have been? (shudder) Maybe I really do need to stop reading/posting on these boards. It just drudges up awful memories... everything else is going smoothly in my life and when I come here it's like back to square one for a few minutes. UGH!!!
Hurt & Alone Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 IWALH, Cant you see, this is exactly what they want you to do. Dont give in to them. I have read your posts and have learned alot from them. When you give in they win and move on to thier next victim. Take it with a grain of salt and just ignore everything that may be deminimizing. Everyone makes mistakes, it is human. If someon never made a mistake in thier life they would be perfect and perfecion truly does not exist. By the way, I fyou are still here. Dont let the XMM get away with paying no child support. he was involved just as much as you were. he needs to live up to his obligations, Sweetie, the support is not for you it is for her. Keep that in mind. By letting him not pay, he has gotten away from his obligations. Now that is morally wrong. She did not ask to be brought into this world but heck (better word) you should not have to do it all on your own.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 It is my opinion that she is doing a VERY wise thing by not accepting support from him, in THIS situation.
Hurt & Alone Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I guess it possible could be in her scenrio, but I am a strong believer that if you are going to play you have to pay. In my state, that is the rule. I do not receive child support but only because my x-h moved to Abu Dhabi (cant wait till he steps foot back in this country), but in the courts eyes regardless of sit you have to support a child that is brought into this world. She does not have to have any contact with him that is what the courts are for. If she chooses not to, I guess that is her choice. I tried the same in my state, just so I never had to deal with him again but I was told I did not have the right to do that. I would just hate to think another woman out there struggles day to day because they feel they need to when they dont.
MrsHellnoFire Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Well when someone posts under topic entitled "BS Horror Stories" then they haven't moved on. Actually quite childish. Pity is for victims hunny and you aren't one. Take your choices in life and the horrendous outcome with responsibility and move out of the pity party you are trying to create for yourself. So what if she called you some choice names? Are you that big of a baby? You don't know what pain is! You had everything coming to you after you did some nasty stuff to her and degraded her in the manner you did. You obviously could not even surmise the enormity of emotional repurcussions in that woman's life that are a direct effect of your hideous actions. You are selfish, self-absorbed and I hope to god your daughter is never inflicted with the amount of pain you caused another woman and her family. The only thing I hear in all of your posts are "me me me". You really don't give a damn about anyone else involved, do you? You have been casting stones all over the place. You really don't have the moral high ground to tell anyone anything and be such a hypocrite.
child_of_isis Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 The thing to do is to stop defending yourself. You don't NEED to defend yourself. You just went through a very hard knock and you are still standing. Your experience can be used to help other OW's.Never mind. I won't let random people on the internet who do not know anything about me except for that horrible situation I was in affect my mood. Outside of this website I am so happy and doing so well and moving on with everything in my life. Judge me all you want. Say all you want. Think I am crazy. Whatever. If I am going to seriously move on with my life, then I need to leave loveshack for good. I will not post or read here anymore. Thanks everyone for your input and advice on the whole situation. The whole thing is over and done with in every single aspect now. Good luck everybody. And goodbye.
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