Not as well today

[kittensmittens]

I had a dream last night that I was hugging him and kissing him all over. I was kissing his face, his eyelids, his neck, his chest...treating him like the most cherished thing in the world, and we were just lying there, completely in love. We were also joking and laughing and adoring each other. It was so vivid. Then I woke up.

 

How can he not miss me? He has to. I don't understand it. How can he not see HIS mistakes? Does he really think this entire thing is my fault? He did a lot of things that were much worse than anything I have ever done.....does he really not see that? I thought he wouldn't come back all those other times, but he did. He acted like callous jerk, blamed it all on me....and then came back crying and apologizing. This time I expect it when it is, finally, least likely to happen. He said he still loves me though....he was still making jokes and telling me about his day....he said he missed me......he still seemed to consider coming back. He said it was over, but I've heard it before. Maybe he'll come back again....or maybe I need my brain checked for wanting that. The latter seems to be the consensus....but I just still hang on the belief there was enough love between us to ovecome anything. There was something more than stupity and insecurity and hormones that held us together.

 

I haven't been calling him. I wish I could say that it's b/c I'm strong, I'm moving on and all that. It was initially. But now I really am just (mostly) hoping he'll wonder about me and begin to miss me. I'm hoping he'll start to feel he has lost something that he might not be able to get back.....and his heart will begin to ache w/ regret.

 

I was doing better.....but it's too much again. He was my first love. I lived w/ him for 2 1/2 years. I was w/ him for 4. No one understands this...I'm only asked "how can you still love him after what he did to you? after how he treated you?", "how can you want to go back?". I just do. I just can. That's just the way it ****ing is. It's not a choice.

 

I want to call him but I'm resisting. Maybe this was meant to happen. Or maybe we will we be together again, but every time I call....I dimish myself in his eyes while slowing any "progress". I just want him to call me. Before, I was afraid he would because I was afraid I would take him back. Now I know I would and I just don't care.

 

Today, oddly enough, I didn't wake up crying after that dream--even after realizing it was only a dream. I didn't wake up depressed and longing for him. I woke up feeling content and in love. The resentment has dissolved and the pessimism has turned to optimism. But there is no outlet for it...there is no one to give this to. It's wearing off and I need to hear his voice again. I need to crawl up to him and curl up in his arms and feel safe again. I need his lips touching my lips, his nose touching my nose. I need to press my face against the soft skin of his neck......will he reach this point? Will it ever become too much for him? Will he wake up too....?

[directx]

Hang in there sweetie. You are doing well.

[uniqueone]

I don't know exactly what he did to you so I can't comment in much detail.

 

Over time people tend to forget the bad things and that's why you're thinking about all the good ones. This is why you need to write the bad things down and read them everytime you get like this. When I've been feeling like this lately, I start going over in my mind the bad things mine had said or done to me. Do it even if you just feel like you're only going through the motions.

 

And when you start thinking about the good moments, yell "STOP!" and then quickly think of something else. Don't let your mind take you there. You have control over what you're thinking about. Remember that. When it starts to go there, just shut it off like a faucet. It will NOT help you to ruminate about it. And do not visualize it. Just tell yourself you're going to push it out of your mind for now.....it'll always be there to come back to later if you want. Just remember the STOP! technique.

 

Hope this helps.

[kittensmittens]

Thank you both.

 

I don't know exactly what he did to you so I can't comment in much detail.

 

I've written about it a bunch, so that's why I left it out of this one. It's sorta complicated, but basically, he was very emotionally manipulative and he lied about many little things. When I finally confronted him about his lies he ended up breaking up w/ me and went right out and messed around w/ our neighbor. (This was particularly devastating to find out about b/c as I said, he was my first love--I gave everything away to him and have never even been w/ anyone else in any way whatsoever.) He then posted about that (the neighbor) and trashed me on his myspace page. When I confronted him about THAT (and the lies surrounding this--such as him volunteering that he "hasn't been w/ anyone") he didn't even apologize, and only then apologized for the previous 4 years of lying about things.

 

I spent nearly all of this relationship blaming myself for being jealous, insecure and depressed and didn't realize for a very long time what HE was contributing--I thought all of it was me. Much of his manipulation was blaming me. He still is twisting it all around on me.....despite knowing what he did and despite knowing how hard I was trying and how much I had changed. I KNOW I'm not entirely blameless.....but I'm still unsure of how much blame I really should be taking. It seems that he is being very unforgiving.....while it seems I'm willing to compromise my dignity and self-respect in order to forgive him and provide explanations to myself and others as to why his behavior could possibly still be excusable.

 

That is the reason I am NOT calling him now.....I have really been getting the itch today to call, but if I ever do get back w/ him.....he has to come to me. I've done all of my apologizing (and then some) and I've done everything I can to fix myself and that's all I can do. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him. I did mess some things up, but I didn't destroy his trust. I didn't ever blame him for my mistakes. And I didn't rip his heart out. I think it's HIS turn now.

 

It's just so hard....he could be sooo loving and sweet and sensitive. He seemed so genuine and sincere.....so trustworthy. He seemed like such a good hearted person. It can't ALL be fake?!?!

 

I've been wanting to call him so badly. I miss him horribly and he is constantly in the back of my mind, even when I try to do other things. I'm terrified I'll never find anyone that I'll love as much and that I'll always think about him, wonder about him, and long for him, no matter who I'm with. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust anyone else. I'm scared I won't be as special to the next person....but maybe I was never really all that special to him. Is all of this completely naive?

 

I know I have more going on in my head than this......I just suddenly feel kinda numb though....

[kittensmittens]

I keep having dreams about him!!! I had another dream that he was doing this goofy thing he would always do and I was laughing and it was so real. I want to call him so badly. I'm scared he has found someone new or is just forgetting about me. I'm scared that maybe w/ the way things went the last time I saw him (confronting him about the post and him not apologizing)--even though I called him crying and begging yet again the day after--that he thinks maybe I don't want to talk to him now.....maybe that I "came to my senses" and never want to talk to him again.

 

The last time I called him he said it was over, didn't know if he would ever get back w/ me, etc. and then had to go to work. He told me to call him later on, b/c he had to go.....but I never did (that was about a week ago). I finally felt like I was being totally pathetic and that if this was ever going to work, and if he was ever going to have respect for me, I would have to wait for him to want it badly enough to call me.

 

Is this right?? Or should I call him and tell him how much I miss him? I miss him sooo much.

[tinke]

you are right. if your persist, you will never know if he truly missed you, or even worse, went back with you to pacify you until he can get away again. the only way to know is to allow him to contact you, if he chooses.

[AriaIncognito]

Kitten,

 

Please dont contact him. You seem to be in the stage right now where your subconscious is trying to fix that which bothers you on the conscious level. It's normal to have dreams like this. I used to wake up from dreams like that and feel absolutely dreadful. It all feels so real when it's happening, and it totally sucks when you wake up. Eventually though, those dreams will lessen, as you keep healing and moving forward.

 

Please don't contact him, it will only set you back. Try not to think too much about where he is now or who he's with, it only makes you feel worse. I know that from experience too, unfortunately.

[uniqueone]

he was very emotionally manipulative and he lied about many little things. When I finally confronted him about his lies he ended up breaking up w/ me and went right out and messed around w/ our neighbor. (This was particularly devastating to find out about b/c as I said, he was my first love--I gave everything away to him and have never even been w/ anyone else in any way whatsoever.) He then posted about that (the neighbor) and trashed me on his myspace page. When I confronted him about THAT (and the lies surrounding this--such as him volunteering that he "hasn't been w/ anyone") he didn't even apologize, and only then apologized for the previous 4 years of lying about things.

 

I spent nearly all of this relationship blaming myself for being jealous, insecure and depressed and didn't realize for a very long time what HE was contributing--I thought all of it was me. Much of his manipulation was blaming me. He still is twisting it all around on me.....despite knowing what he did and despite knowing how hard I was trying and how much I had changed..... It seems that he is being very unforgiving.....while it seems I'm willing to compromise my dignity and self-respect in order to forgive him and provide explanations to myself and others as to why his behavior could possibly still be excusable.

 

I miss him horribly and he is constantly in the back of my mind, even when I try to do other things. I'm terrified I'll never find anyone that I'll love as much and that I'll always think about him, wonder about him, and long for him, no matter who I'm with. I'm scared I won't be as special to the next person...

 

 

Ok, read what you've said in the first two paragraphs and then what you've said in the last one and tell me what's wrong with this picture?

[funkybassplayer]

Ok, read what you've said in the first two paragraphs and then what you've said in the last one and tell me what's wrong with this picture?

 

 

Even if some1 treated you like crap, i does not mean that you should'nt have loved them, or miss them, but you know to leave them alone should they come back. Alot of the time, when people are like this in a relationship, they get into your head, and that makes them hard to shift, i know im going through the same. You just have to stay strong and greiv for your loss and then move on, but you will see the sighns for next time, that you missed this time.

[SierraMarie]

:(Awww...I feel so bad for you. Be strong. Just forget about him and move on. If you're truly meant to be together, then you will be. Just focus on yourself for now and forget about him.

 

And you should definetely not call him. He said it was over. Just move on and find a new boyfrined. Like I said if you are meant to be then it will happen. You WILL be okay.

 

He sounds like a jerk anyway. You don't want to be with somebody like that. You deserve much better.

[kittensmittens]

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate your posts. I haven't called him. I'm just having an especially hard time w/ this lately. It's been a little over a week since I last saw him and today it's been a month and a 1/2 since we were last together as a couple. How can he not miss me??? Each day that goes by I feel he's closer to forgetting me completely. I want it to be the other way around. The breakups before this one, he spewed so much nasty **** and acted like he just wanted me gone forever.....then came back a couple weeks later. I think I've heard "it's over" too many times to really and truly believe it anymore...

 

I'm trying not to think happy thoughts about him. I try to focus on planning what to do next, where to go, things I want, etc. I don't let my mind wonder to all of the close times, or even the good times, and I try not to let myself think about how loving he was, etc. And I DO NOT look at pictures of him.....man, I think if I saw a pic of him right now I'd want to jump off of a cliff.

 

But it's harder than all that.....it's like......he's a part of me now. I don't FEEL single....I feel like he's still there, my other half, in the background. When I try to get out of the house and go do things I'll see something he would like, or that I want to tell him about, or buy for him, or something. It's just automatic. I try to move on and talk to other people and I end up missing him more b/c they don't have qualities he had, or the same sense of humor. I can stop myself from thinking about what he feels like in my arms, how his hair smells, and things like that....but I don't know what to do for the rest. At times, I think about the bad stuff and it feels a little easier to take that step forward and not look back....but a lot of the time it leaves me hurting AND confused. Ugh!

 

What if I never find anyone I care about the same way?? Is that a stupid thing to think? And what if I were to write him a letter...? That's probably bad too, isn't it....?

[tinke]

immediately upon reading your post...what i've noticed are the words..."i've heard it's over too many times to believe it anymore" i know it is difficult to hear, but, if you've heard this so many times, this may be saving you alot of heartache in the future. it seems as this is a pattern, so why wouldn't it occur time and time again? it's not what you do, it is what he does to deal or avoid with situations...you cannot control his actions. so, what would prevent this from happening again? i realize you may want that quick fix for now, but, maybe with more time and healing, you may begin to look at things differently.

do be kind to you, as difficult as it may be to believe...it will get better. unfortunately, the grieving is part of the healing. for now, just focus on your health..food, sleep, etc. take care

[SierraMarie]

But it's harder than all that.....it's like......he's a part of me now. I don't FEEL single....I feel like he's still there, my other half, in the background. When I try to get out of the house and go do things I'll see something he would like, or that I want to tell him about, or buy for him, or something. It's just automatic. I try to move on and talk to other people and I end up missing him more b/c they don't have qualities he had, or the same sense of humor. I can stop myself from thinking about what he feels like in my arms, how his hair smells, and things like that....but I don't know what to do for the rest.

 

It is hard to break away from somebody that was such a big part of your life, but it will get easier. He IS a part of you now, he's part of your life, a memory. Something that has happened to you. But that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him.

 

What if I never find anyone I care about the same way?? Is that a stupid thing to think? And what if I were to write him a letter...? That's probably bad too, isn't it....?

 

 

No, definetely DON'T write him a letter. Don't have any contact with him at all and after a while you will start to believe the things people are telling you.

 

You will find someone else, I'm sure of it...

[kittensmittens]

Thank you both, again. I realize I've done everything I can, pretty much said everything that can be said.....it's just so hard though. I feel like I want to do something, snap him out of this, get him to see the light....something.

 

it seems as this is a pattern, so why wouldn't it occur time and time again? it's not what you do, it is what he does to deal or avoid with situations...you cannot control his actions. so, what would prevent this from happening again?

 

Right. I've definitely thought about this, too. I still feel like there's more I should have done, or done sooner.....but when I'm honest w/ myself, I know that no amount of work on my part would have been enough b/c he does have some deep issues of his own, and they would have surfaced eventually somehow. And one person can't do all the work.

 

I just don't understand how he can't see....he knows what he did was wrong and he knows how hard I was trying.....he has to see that he just runs away.....he has to be able to see that he's only going to drag his problems w/ him wherever he goes. If he were to come back again, I think I might insist on counseling.....but that's not likely to happen anyway.

 

It is hard to break away from somebody that was such a big part of your life, but it will get easier. He IS a part of you now, he's part of your life, a memory. Something that has happened to you. But that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him.

 

Lately, I've been waking up w/ a panicky feeling, like I HAVE to know what he's doing (even though I can't)--which has had me a little worried since I don't really know where it's coming from. Well, I didn't wake up w/ that feeling this morning...instead I woke up feeling....alright. I didn't feel "over him" exactly, but I didn't feel like I can't live w/out him. Sounds good, right? I completely freaked out inside. That's when I really realized....I don't want to let go....I don't want to move on. I think I have this fear that as soon as I start moving on....that's really it. That's when the connection will finally be completely broken.

 

I feel scared b/c he's beginning to feel like a distant memory. It really has me freaked out. I know this is a point I'm supposed to get to....but I just realized today that I don't think I'm ready. I'm afraid to let go. I feel like he really DID mean something to me, I really DO love him.....it just doesn't feel right to let go of someone you truly love....

 

This can't be good.

[tinke]

how long since the break-up? n/c? did he ignore attempts from you to make a contact?

it's been 5 mo. for me, and i still awaken with him on my mind....however, it is not a panicked feeling, nor does it stay with me throughout the day, as it once did. (10 yr. LTR). i would have to guess, given more time and this, too, will vanish. i have never cared nor panicked of what he was doing, i knew there was another...mine was more from disbelief.

which brings me to this point....please do not keep going over what YOU could have done differently, we all could have done better, that is the hindsight. but, we will be better for this knowledge learned in the next serious relationship. no, i would guess your ex does not see nor would agree with you that he avoids issues and runs from them. but, what i would hope to impress upon you, is that it is HIS pattern, and highly doubtful it would change. people have to admit and want to change unhealthy, hurtful patterns. i have learned from my ex, that behavior (solution for them), repeats itself. very hurtful!

so, can you imagine being married and feeling secure...and again, he is unhappy, (they forget there is more than just them in the relationship)...runs away, once again. of course you are feeling to blame, everything gets so very twisted in these scenarios..you just want to fix it. but, by taking the responsibility, you , too, have formed a pattern...and on and on.

honestly, it is very unhealthy. you deserve someone who will cherish you and the relationship, someone you can depend on . relationships take work, and consideration for the other mate. things will get better, give it time.

focus on you now, take care of you.

[kittensmittens]

Hi Tinke,

 

I found out a little over a month and 1/2 ago he had been lying about some things and confronted him--he denied, denied. So I left town (but didn't leave him, even though he insists he believed otherwise--which is crap b/c he posted in his blog also about how HE left ME....yet another strange and stupid lie), then about a week and 1/2 after that (w/ nc), he sent me an email telling me to move my stuff out. That's what I consider the breakup point, however it's been longer since we were together as a couple (1 1/2 mos).

 

I didn't talk to him until my stuff was being moved out of the apartment, about a week or so after the email. He claimed he didn't know what to do (since this was a "misunderstanding") and wanted me to remain in contact w/ him...which I did. I would call him and he would always end the conversation w/ "I love you". Usually he would say he was still confused, but other times he would say it was over and going to stay that way.....after which I would call him in hysterics the next morning. I went to visit him (on the 21st) at his request, brought him a present for his upcoming b-day....then we talked, he said it's over, and that's when I finally confronted him about his post. It is this incident that keeps me from blaming myself entirely b/c I got to see just HOW manipulative he can be--he blatantly twisted everything around and never apologized. Nevertheless, I called him up again the next morning crying and begging--he said it's over. And as I stated previously, this is the last I contacted him b/c I finaly felt completely pathetic.

 

you deserve someone who will cherish you and the relationship, someone you can depend on

 

This is what has my head so messed up right now. I really, really thought he WAS that person. He was absolutely crazy about me, he wanted to marry me from the very beginning, he was so sweet and sensitive, helpful, respectful and polite, and sooo, sooooo devoted. Looking back, there were several things that were obviously (now) too good to be true (since I know now that they weren't true).....but I'm realizing the extent of it and I can't make sense of it.

 

I think he never was truly committed......he just wanted someone to take away his lonliness and insecurity and make him feel like the wonderful person he was pretending to be. I still don't want to believe it. I think this is why I can't help but blame myself....if it's my fault and I caused him to turn into this person, then it can't happen again......I can't be fooled again b/c I was never fooled in the first place.

 

I think the idea of going back to him feels safer than finding someone new. I know who he really is now, and I'm already in love w/ him. I've tried being angry this time and believing he's just not a good person....but I know he just has a lot of pain guiding his behavior. However, I've used this excuse to hang on for so long and I've shown him the kind of forgiveness and compassion he won't show me. Afterall, a lot of my behavior comes out of pain too. I think I just hope that it can be different now that all of the crap is out of the way and he can't pretend anymore. In reality though, I think this is what is going to finally prevent him from coming back....the fact that he's been 'discovered'.

 

I don't really know where I'm going w/ all this except to say that I'm just very confused. I don't know what to believe or hope for at this point....

[tinke]

kitt,

do yourself a favor anf re-read your post a couple months from now, compare your feelings then. you are not to blame..people change, and he very well could believe he loves you. but..what does his actions say (not his lips). it seems that you are willing to settle for the comfort of "knowing" him/the relationship, rather than seeking what you deserve.

never, would i believe i would feel so differently 5 mo. later. but, i am beginning to truly become detached from a very long relationship, and that comfort is not significant as it once was. i have a much clearer vision of what i want in a relationship, and have learned what i will do diffferently.

 

keep repeating to yourself he wants it to be over. the beauty of n/c is that you begin to see things differently...without the rose colored glasses. it took me every bit of the 5 mo., but, i do not see myself contacting him anymore, and after all the hurt, i would not feel the same if he was standing next to me now. so...give yourself some time.

take care