Reasons why we're here and they're not

[uniqueone]

I've seen people here talk about how their breakup came out of nowhere. Sometimes that's true.....other times not.

 

I think that in some cases, the person DOES try to tell the other person that it's over or that there's a problem and the other person doesn't listen. I've seen this happen in marriages where the wife tries to tell her husband there's problems but he doesn't want to deal with them. Then she ends up asking for a divorce.

 

In other cases, there's no warning. I remember a relationship where I sensed something was wrong. I would ask my then BF what was wrong and he would always tell me that nothing had changed. His behavior made me become insecure because I still sensed something was wrong. He still insisted that nothng had changed. He said that right up till the day he ended it. I've learned to trust my instincts now...I've found that they've proven to be right.

 

So I think a person has to really think about whether or not the other person tried to tell them beforehand.

 

Often it's a case where a GF tries to tell a BF something is wrong and the BF doesn't realize it. This is because women tend to say things indirectly and men don't pick up on it. Women think men are going to pick up on hints and when he doesn't, they just get more irritated. Over time, it builds up until they just leave and then the man is surprised and thinks the breakup came out of the blue. The woman thinks that she's been telling him what's wrong all along but really she's just been letting out sighs and pouting.

 

In cases where something is bothering the MAN in a relationship, oftentimes men tend to just clam up. They don't try to express it...not even with hints. They just hope it will go away on its own...in fact, they'd rather NOT discuss it. They just hope things spontaneously go back to being fun again.

 

Not all men and not all women do this of course. Many, however do. This is because this is how we've been socialized.

 

Women have been taught not to show anger and to be 'nice' at all costs, so that's why they show their irritation with things by 'hinting' instead of directly saying it. By hinting they feel that they can get their message across without appearing too aggressive.

 

Men, on the other hand, are taught not to express their emotions. If something that his GF is doing is making him feel sad or unimportant, he's not going to come out and tell her because that will make him look like a wussy. So he clams up and hopes things just go back to the way they were before.

 

These two styles of communication between men and women tend to cause a lot of problems.

 

 

To further complicate matters, you have people who are "takers". Takers are selfish. Some takers see people as opportunities and others are just needy and helpless. Takers get attached to the benefits they get...not to the person. If the person who provides those benefits starts demanding too much and the taker can find the benefits elsewhere, they go elsewhere to get them. Takers are like parasites...they can't sustain life on their own....they have to feed off of another. It doesn't necessarily matter who that 'other' is though.

 

Then you have those whose emotions don't run deep. I read a news story today about a family that was killed the other day in a horrible way and it's still bothering me right now. I imagined myself in their place as it occurred. Some people could read that same story without a second thought. To some people, as long as it wasn't themselves that it happened to, they don't really care. Their emotions don't attach to things very easily...sometimes not at all.

 

Now if you look at the differences in how a lot of men and women communicate....if you look at those who are 'takers' and if you look at those who can remain emotionally distant, you might see some clues to explain something about your breakup.

 

These are just my observations.

[uniqueone]

well Ive had two threads now with zero replies so I think maybe i should just stop posting for awhile. I think maybe I'm the wrong age group for this place or something.

[shockandawed]

Uniqueone,

 

I don't know about being in the wrong age group, you just had to wait for this 40 something to wake up, lol..

 

I agree with much of what you wrote. The only thing I would question is the gender labeling. I think in the past, they may have been true, but not so much anymore. I think most of the traits and tendencies you mentioned can be exhibited in either gender. In my last relationship, it was the female who showed all the anger and I was the emotional one who tried to put out the fires.

 

That aside, you are very accurate in your post. I obviously thought about my own breakup that brought me here. At the time, I was caught completely off guard, hence the name. We had just returned from a cruise with my parents and were busy planning the holiday festivities. But there were plenty of signs I now see.

 

Throughout the relationship, she was needy and emotional. She showed signs of being bi-polar. Everything great, and just snapping. Not just snapping, but melting down, then shutting herself off for several days or weeks at a time. Like I said, I have the peacemaker personality. I want to talk things out and resolve. When she would finally come around, it was as if nothing happened. I walked on serious eggshells the last year or so. I see all of that now, but back then, I was putting so much effort into keeping her happy and enjoying her A side, I thought the B side would eventually go away. When she blew again in December over a very petty issue, I obviously thought the pattern would repeat itself. So in a way, I was completely blindsided when she announced she had started another relationship within a week.

 

Yes, life lessons learned. I spend more time these days hating myself for allowing this kind of treatment than I ever do thinking about any positives we had. I just hope I haven't become a scorned person.

 

Good thoughts!!

[uniqueone]

Thanks for responding. As far as the genders go, I put that not all of them are that way. I just was mentioning that sometimes that's a reason why it leads to a breakup. I do believe that more often than not, that it leans towards men avoiding talking about things and women hinting instead of being clear about what they want.

 

I wrote this when someone here was wondering how some people could be so emotionally detached and could run off to the next person right away.

[shockandawed]

Thanks for responding. As far as the genders go, I put that not all of them are that way. I just was mentioning that sometimes that's a reason why it leads to a breakup. I do believe that more often than not, that it leans towards men avoiding talking about things and women hinting instead of being clear about what they want.

 

I wrote this when someone here was wondering how some people could be so emotionally detached and could run off to the next person right away.

 

Well I have spent almost 7 months wondering that myself, lol!!

 

I do agree with the hinting thing. My ex obviously is very insecure and was more interested in being married than finding the right person. Looking back, she used to make comments about feeling like the neighbors and people in her small town would make fun of her for being 40 and single. Instead of realizing she truly felt that, I would just try to reassure her that it was silly to think that way and everyone had their own probs to worry about.

[uniqueone]

That's good that you pointed that out to her. The guy I was involved with thought I went around telling everyone what he'd done to me and that's one of the reasons he was angry. I told him that no one really cares what he did...they have their own problems they're concerned with!

[Aliddy]

I too was " replaced within a week " after 4 years and now he wont speak to me or even acknowledge my existance, and I am o.k. with that, because I am a very emotional loving person, I am not afraid to show my feelings, but it is a two way street..........and if the person you are with is emotionally " inable " it is never going to work.

 

For me, it was a case of just having to accept, he is not me, he does not think or feel like I do, he is able to " delete " me from his life.....just like that............and you know, I feel sorry for her, as he will do it again, it is part of his make-up.....

 

As for me it is a case of " damage limitation " and I refuse to let his cruel callous behaviour, effect me and the way I am.

 

I still think of him ( it's only been 6 weeks ) but it's disbelief, more than anything else.

 

I know we hurt, and it's not fair we hurt .........

 

But if we didn't we would not be healthy, feeling, normal human beings........

[uniqueone]

I too was " replaced within a week " after 4 years and now he wont speak to me or even acknowledge my existance, and I am o.k. with that, because I am a very emotional loving person, I am not afraid to show my feelings, but it is a two way street..........and if the person you are with is emotionally " inable " it is never going to work.

 

For me, it was a case of just having to accept, he is not me, he does not think or feel like I do, he is able to " delete " me from his life.....just like that............and you know, I feel sorry for her, as he will do it again, it is part of his make-up.....

 

As for me it is a case of " damage limitation " and I refuse to let his cruel callous behaviour, effect me and the way I am.

 

I still think of him ( it's only been 6 weeks ) but it's disbelief, more than anything else.

 

I know we hurt, and it's not fair we hurt .........

 

But if we didn't we would not be healthy, feeling, normal human beings........

 

I wish I could feel that way. I start thinking "if I had a better job, he would have been more impressed with me" or "if I'd have stayed aloof he would have been more interested." or "if I would have not let my emotions show, this wouldn't have ended."

 

And I don't know if mine will do the same thing to others. He might respect or admire them more.

[Aliddy]

I may find it easier, if I could say " she was better than me, better job etc.." but it could not be further from the truth.

 

I have a career and am independent etc. etc. She is 10 years older than me and him ( she is 55 ) she has no proper job, lives on the benefit system etc. etc.

 

So how does that make me feel ... ????

 

I makes me feel terrible, that he preferred someone like that to me....

 

So please dont think a better job etc... would make any difference....it makes it worse....as I know the only reason he is with her is quite simply " he loves her "

[uniqueone]

I may find it easier, if I could say " she was better than me, better job etc.." but it could not be further from the truth.

 

I have a career and am independent etc. etc. She is 10 years older than me and him ( she is 55 ) she has no proper job, lives on the benefit system etc. etc.

 

So how does that make me feel ... ????

 

I makes me feel terrible, that he preferred someone like that to me....

 

So please dont think a better job etc... would make any difference....it makes it worse....as I know the only reason he is with her is quite simply " he loves her "

 

No...that's not necessarily true. It could be that he has to be the more powerful one in a relationship. Maybe it makes him feel like he has more control over her. Maybe he likes to save people. It could be a number of reasons other than love. I'm really starting to wonder about "love" anyway. It seems that more and more, people seem to get together based on "need". For instance, if he has a "need" to feel more powerful in a relationship, she fulfills that.

 

With mine, he likes power and control. And yet, at the same time, he likes women who have achieved a lot/are successful (like him). The irony there is that if he finds a woman who is successful, chances are she won't like someone trying to control her. I guess that's what I try to tell myself anyway.

[frd150]

I have been thinking about the title of this thread and something hit me.

 

I am here because i am a passionate about things that are important to me. Relationships,family,my career,my hobbies,and music. As i think back on my ex i do not think that there was not a whole lot that she was truly passoinate about in her life even to this day. Maybe to her people, possesions and ideas are disposable. Detachment comes easy to her. I do not think that she would come to a place like this for answers.

 

 

I am here because I am passionate not obcessed about trying to figure out what went wrong. I care, its important to me.

 

Just my thought

[kittensmittens]

I start thinking "if I had a better job, he would have been more impressed with me" or "if I'd have stayed aloof he would have been more interested." or "if I would have not let my emotions show, this wouldn't have ended."

 

And I don't know if mine will do the same thing to others. He might respect or admire them more.

 

I can relate to this. I think of all the things I should have done differently....I should have been more creative, more interesting, more sociable, more independent, more laid back....I should have shown my appreciation for all the small things....being tender and caring should have come more quickly then my temper.....

 

It kills me. I think "if I had been better, I wouldn't have pushed him away" and I imagine him w/ someone new, someone more interesting and exciting....someone better than me. I imagine him doing sweet little things for her, complimenting her....and her eating it up. I imagine him admiring her, giving her everything he wanted to give to me until I pushed him away for good. It makes my stomache churn and my heart ache.

 

I don't even know if any of that is accurate, but nontheless, I suppose in the end we just are who we are. I still don't know if he really wanted to give me any of the things he claimed. A lot of him was talk, so maybe all of it was. Maybe if I had been all of those things....it would have just taken longer for him to get bored of me. Who knows.

 

What I know is that I did the best I could at that time with what I had. I can only take what I've learned and move forward. I don't think he's sitting around kicking himself over all the little things he should have done different or how he should have been. And there were plenty of things. So why am I? Why do we?

[hope4best]

I agree with woman hinting more, I know I am guilty of it. Communication can kill a relationship.

 

I missed the affection and attention that we once had, Once I took the time to really try to figure out what happened I realized that what I was saying and what I ment to say were not exactly the same thing."Why can't you spend more time with me?" (He runs his own biz, and so do I) and what I ment 'Why don't you kiss me, touch my back when you walk by, make more of the time we do have together.'

 

I also came to the realiztion that everytime he would try to reach over and kiss me when I was in the middle of something, I would push him away, not because I did not love him, but because I was always so busy and just wanted to finish stuff so I could sit down for 10 minutes and then spend time together without the distractions (so stupid). How many times do you have to touch a hot pot before you learn to stop getting burned?

[uniqueone]

I have been thinking about the title of this thread and something hit me.

 

I am here because i am a passionate about things that are important to me. Relationships,family,my career,my hobbies,and music. As i think back on my ex i do not think that there was not a whole lot that she was truly passoinate about in her life even to this day. Maybe to her people, possesions and ideas are disposable. Detachment comes easy to her. I do not think that she would come to a place like this for answers.

 

 

I am here because I am passionate not obcessed about trying to figure out what went wrong. I care, its important to me.

 

Just my thought

 

Good reason to be here, FRD. Personally, I want to know why I get involved with people when I see BIG red flags waving right in front of my face. This last guy.....I kept telling him no at first due to his lifestyle and the fact that he was separated. But I got sucked in anyway. How does that happen? Why are these the ones I like? I think that I figure that I'm going to be the one that changes him (and in this case, --at first--he led me to believe that I could).

[uniqueone]

I agree with woman hinting more, I know I am guilty of it. Communication can kill a relationship.

 

I missed the affection and attention that we once had, Once I took the time to really try to figure out what happened I realized that what I was saying and what I ment to say were not exactly the same thing."Why can't you spend more time with me?" (He runs his own biz, and so do I) and what I ment 'Why don't you kiss me, touch my back when you walk by, make more of the time we do have together.'

 

 

 

Oh, but does touching and all that really mean anything? I guess I'm cynical. I don't take guys doing that kind of stuff seriously. Ok, I'm not talking long relationships here so that's what I'm basing mine on. It probably doesn't really relate to yours but your mentioning that just reminded me of it.

With this last guy....yeah....I felt good when he started touching me on my back and stuff like that. And then I thought how he's doing that with all his "other' women he sees/sleeps with. So, because of that, I couldn't feel good about it.

 

Even with guys I've dated who are just dating ME.....I still don't take it to mean anything for quite some time. I guess I've just too often experienced guys doing those kind of things and finding out later that it didn't mean a darned thing to them.

 

Sorry if I got off on a tangent....your post triggered that when you mentioned being touched on the back because the guy I was recently seeing did that and I remember really noticing it.

[the_otherhalf]

I am a recovering "taker," one of the worst feeling places of all, when you look back and realize what you've done.

[frd150]

Good reason to be here, FRD. Personally, I want to know why I get involved with people when I see BIG red flags waving right in front of my face. This last guy.....I kept telling him no at first due to his lifestyle and the fact that he was separated. But I got sucked in anyway. How does that happen? Why are these the ones I like? I think that I figure that I'm going to be the one that changes him (and in this case, --at first--he led me to believe that I could).

 

 

I am by no means comparing you to my ex when it comes to the above statement so i hope yo take no offence.

 

My ex is out on the prowl now and word on the street is that she is dating the same type of needy,abusive, possesive guys that she dated before me. Maybe its a need to try and fix them? (well you stated that) Maybe its that they are more intrigiung than Say a guy like me. Im very open and not so mysterious. Maybe i need to change that about myself.

 

Like they say "you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince". My ex is back to kissing frogs:( .

[uniqueone]

I am by no means comparing you to my ex when it comes to the above statement so i hope yo take no offence.

 

My ex is out on the prowl now and word on the street is that she is dating the same type of needy,abusive, possesive guys that she dated before me. Maybe its a need to try and fix them? (well you stated that) Maybe its that they are more intrigiung than Say a guy like me. Im very open and not so mysterious. Maybe i need to change that about myself.

 

Like they say "you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince". My ex is back to kissing frogs:( .

 

 

Ok, but here's the thing. Did I WANT to fix someone....or did I like other traits in him so much---ones that I wasn't finding in others---that I tolerate the bad traits, hoping I can change those traits.

The traits I liked are incredibly intelligence, goal oriented, athletic, high achiever, etc.....plus I was physically attracted to him. (well...ok....I was by his first pic...then later pics I wasn't but I still liked him....then I met him and thought he was ok....then I visited him and found him very attractive......I swear to God he did something better about his looks!)

 

But still...he fit the "type" physically that I like....body type, etc.... If he hadn't, it would have been easier to dislike him.

 

So, am I really attracted to the bad traits or do I just try to overlook them when I find what I like?

[frd150]

Ok, but here's the thing. Did I WANT to fix someone....or did I like other traits in him so much---ones that I wasn't finding in others---that I tolerate the bad traits, hoping I can change those traits.

The traits I liked are incredibly intelligence, goal oriented, athletic, high achiever, etc.....plus I was physically attracted to him. (well...ok....I was by his first pic...then later pics I wasn't but I still liked him....then I met him and thought he was ok....then I visited him and found him very attractive......I swear to God he did something better about his looks!)

 

But still...he fit the "type" physically that I like....body type, etc.... If he hadn't, it would have been easier to dislike him.

 

So, am I really attracted to the bad traits or do I just try to overlook them when I find what I like?

 

 

Sometimes we have to look through the bad to see the good and we need to figure out which is more dominant (the good or the bad).

 

I know i am not perfect but i do know this ..... I try and make up for it in the consideration i give to those around me including my ex. Even as bad as i was hurt by her leaving i understand and respect her reasons. I have to. Who am I to discount her feelings now. I was considerate then why should i not be the same now.

 

There is a certain thing that attracts me to a girl, a certain type. My ex was not the typicall girl i usually date. This must explain why i am so attached to her. She is unique a one of a kind. I will never find another like her. As they say.... "They broke the mold after they made her".

 

 

Who knows?

[purety1]

I can relate to this. I think of all the things I should have done differently....I should have been more creative, more interesting, more sociable, more independent, more laid back....I should have shown my appreciation for all the small things....being tender and caring should have come more quickly then my temper.....

 

It kills me. I think "if I had been better, I wouldn't have pushed him away" and I imagine him w/ someone new, someone more interesting and exciting....someone better than me. I imagine him doing sweet little things for her, complimenting her....and her eating it up. I imagine him admiring her, giving her everything he wanted to give to me until I pushed him away for good. It makes my stomache churn and my heart ache.

 

I don't even know if any of that is accurate, but nontheless, I suppose in the end we just are who we are. I still don't know if he really wanted to give me any of the things he claimed. A lot of him was talk, so maybe all of it was. Maybe if I had been all of those things....it would have just taken longer for him to get bored of me. Who knows.

 

What I know is that I did the best I could at that time with what I had. I can only take what I've learned and move forward. I don't think he's sitting around kicking himself over all the little things he should have done different or how he should have been. And there were plenty of things. So why am I? Why do we?

 

I read this and thought omg.... I think like this all the time.. but when you really get into the healing process you think.. as you said " I did the best I could at that time with what i had" I always think the girl he is probably with now is probably a glamorous girl.. who is all the things I am not and he is probably happy... yet i still think of the past... and wonder what was wrong with me................wondering if I was the glamorous girl would he have wanted me... but you never know what was going on in his mind because he never wanted to tell you... he deleted you from his life and obviously he wasn't worth your time...you just will never know and it might just be the best thing to ever happen to you.

[tinke]

i'm sure we were all significant in our ex's life at one point. and yes, lack of communication is sure to destroy. but as said, at the time we did the best we could during the situation..we are not mind readers. i, as surely as many of you, would have done things differently, said more, etc., IF i had known there was a problem. so, my ex is just as guilty of wrong doing for not making it clear that he NEEDS more, (or something) from our relationship.

i honestly believe if this was not done, and every effort was not put forward to voice these needs, so the other clearly understands...the coward is the one who walked. a chance was not presented to work on the issues. rather the escape was to run and start anew.

[uniqueone]

I think sometimes the person does try to communicate...they just don't do it well. Here's a typical example:

 

Say after dating awhile, a BF starts to want to spend some days on the weekend doing his own stuff. Previously they'd both spent every minute of the weekends together. His GF tells him she's coming over and he says he's going to work on his car so maybe they can get together later. She's used to being there no matter what he's doing. He used to think it was cute but that was in the initial lovey dovey stage of the relationship. Now that things have settled down, he wants some of his own time. He doesn't tell her this though....he just tells her that he wants to work on his car and maybe they can get together later.

 

She doesn't understand. She figures they're supposed to be getting closer to each other not further apart. She pouts. She thinks maybe he's losing interest. This makes her insecure and she starts to act more needy. While he's working on his car....and from then on, whenever he's out doing his own thing....she keeps calling him. She always questionig him and telling him that they should be doing things as a couple. He starts to get annoyed (but doesn't show it) and wants to be around her even less now.

 

She plans a romantic night together to bring things back to the way they used to be. He had planned to go out with the guys that night but cancelled because he knew she'd get mad, even though she told him about it at the last minute. They go out and have a great time. He breaks up with her a few days later. She shocked at how he could break up with her after they just enjoyed that romantic night out.

[kittensmittens]

the coward is the one who walked. a chance was not presented to work on the issues. rather the escape was to run and start anew.

 

This is very true....at least, I feel it is for my situation. There were chances I gave him to tell me what it is he needs and to communicate openly. He didn't take them. Not only did he NOT take them, he often did things that left me terrified to come to him at other times and tell him what it was I needed and discuss problems--not coming from me--that needed to be addressed. Why was I afraid? Because I might lose him. Ironic isn't it?

 

I made quite a few mistakes but I busted my ass trying to do what I could to make it right, trying to make myself and the relationship better. I aknowledged my flaws and mistakes and kept trying. Did he do this? No. His solution time and time again was to put all the blame on me and walk away from it all.

 

Not telling him what was bothering me is yet another of my regrets, but it probably shouldn't be. If he didn't want to do the work, he didn't want to do the work and it seems that is one thing he has made clear.

[kittensmittens]

Uniqueone, have you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? The very dynamic you described above, in your last post, is described in the book. I think that is definitely something that contributed to our first 2 breakups......he started to want more time w/ his friends, on his own, I didn't understand. He pulled away, I freaked out. And in our situation it was exacerbated by the neediness and clinginess that comes w/ depression, which I had pretty bad at the time. I finally learned, after much frustration and heartache, to give him his space. But we probably could have skipped over all that had he sat me down me down and told me (reassuringly) what he needed and....made some kind of attempt to be understanding of my depression. I realize that's not an easy task, but he did many things that just made it worse....and made me cling more. It was just a viscious downward spiral....that a little communication and understanding could have possibly prevented.

[tinke]

it is my experience from my last ex, that those who do not communicate, seem to perceive discussions as confrontations and shut down quickly. and again, avoid or run, or both. but, i do believe they do this in all relationships, not just romantic. communication is so essential in keeping a healthy bond, i wanted to know my ex's opinions, etc.

time and time again, now i see, that when pressured or faced with issues, or things are simply not going his way...he runs.