tinktronik Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 So how'd yours trap you? Mine knew I was ovulating so I told him we needed to use a rubber. We went at it once with a rubber then for the second go-around he didn't have one on! He said he'd pull out but I knew it was too late...sperm live for hours. I offered him a way out. I told him I'd take care of it. He cried "you can't kill our baby". Yuck! Then he treated me like a child in our marriage. Solo bank account and put me on an allowance. Yuck some more! My oldest is a product of holes poked in a rubber.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 So is your reason for being committment phobic just because of the "forever" thing...or did you have some bad experiences? I think it's the result of lots of things really. Who I've always been and who I've become. I was born free-spirited. My pediatrician even named his daughter after me because he loved my way of being as a three year old. That's a huge compliment in my opinion...pediatricians know lots of three year old girls. But I had a very bad experience happen to me about five years later and I learned to detach myself from situations and emotions pretty easily as a defense mechanism. But I'm not only commitment phobic when it comes to relationships. I don't like to make plans too far in advance especially plans that give me that queasy feeling. Yes I can commit to some things but only if it's short-term in my mind. I bought a house. I will live in it for a time but I know when I'll leave it at the latest. I'll be here until my baby daughter finishes college. Because kids need roots to grow. And someday my children will have wings to fly and that'll be cool too. Very cool.
VIP Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 You must be a Sagittarius, or your moon is in this sign.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 You must be a Sagittarius, or your moon is in this sign. Actually I'm a Capricorn, cusp of Aquarius and my moon is Virgo.
VIP Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Actually I'm a Capricorn, cusp of Aquarius and my moon is Virgo. That will make you independent and unpredictable.
allina Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I'll never commit myself to one woman for rest of my life. Its physically, mentally and emotionally impossible now. I thought I could do it when I was younger. What changed? Why is it impossible now?
alphamale Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I NEVER thought that before...EVER. I was engaged before to another guy but never set a date. What woman does that? I never bought Bride magazine or picked my flowers or colors. I NEVER wanted to get married. Even as a teenager. I think most woman think about marriage. Most want that. To me it seems so confining. It makes me claustrophobic. well, there was a time in my deluded 20s when I wanted to be married but it was more to produce grandkids for my parents. I was married for 3.5 yrs and that was a total disaster which then totally turned me off to the whole re-marriage idea. It would take a lot for me to get hitched again mainly cause my window to have kids has already closed. What changed? Why is it impossible now? cause i'm not dumb and naive anymore ALLINA
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 well, there was a time in my deluded 20s when I wanted to be married but it was more to produce grandkids for my parents. That's a crappy reason to get married. For others' expectations. Yeah I guess you were deluded back then. Drugs much? The thing is some people really do feel uncomfortable being paired up with someone else for good. Just the thought of it can freak them out. It goes against their natural way and makes them want to rebel in such a caged-in environment. And do whatever needs to be done to break free. I am one of those people.
allina Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 cause i'm not dumb and naive anymore ALLINA So do you think every person who gets married is dumb and naive? sorry if this is a hijack
solace Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Ahh... why can't romantic relationships be more like our friendships. I love my friends and they have remained such because of our special connection... not because of some commitment we made to each other. I want it to be that special connection, the emotional, intellectual, spiritual & psychological attraction which bonds and holds us together... "Commitment phobic" is a term often used and abused when we are unsure about a partner. I didn't find my very special friends in a hurry and was never looking for them either. Too many people are just in a hurry for a *relationship* - that sucks! I don't want a relationship unless I find someone with whom I want a relationship ... sure some men will consider me a commitment phobic... but actually, it's just that I'm not showing signs of staying with them because they are not quite right for me... simple really..... hmmm...well... sounds simple when uttered rapidly... ehhh... maybe not... oh well...
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 "Commitment phobic" is a term often used and abused when we are unsure about a partner. If only it were that simple. I consider being unsure about a partner as "taking it slow".
alphamale Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 So do you think every person who gets married is dumb and naive? no....I was referring more to myself being being dumb and naive thinking I could stay with one woman 4-ever. The longest relationship i've ever had laste 4.5 years and even that was on-and-off basically, for me....commitment sucks
solace Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 But the weirdest thing occurred to me. I am one of these guys. Only I'm a woman. But I do this to guys. I get close, I feel the connection and so I pull away. The word "forever" totally freaks me. You know what... the word "forever" used to feel a little like that to me too. I remember sitting with some friends and commenting on a couple I know who had just got together - they seemed so right for each other. I said something like, "How sweet...another soul-mate couple"... I'd seen quite a few excellent relationships developing between folk I knew around that time. One of my friends turned to me and said, "You're next Solace...." the thought kind of filled me with horror... "I don't want to meet my soul mate yet", I exclaimed To which she replied, "you won't feel like that when it happens!" What can I say... the lady was right... just that my "soul mate" turned out to be a "tad" too young...to put it mildly Somehow then, 'forever' didn't seem quite long enough. I'm not saying that there is no such being as a commitment phobic, there is! I am simply pointing out that the term is very often misused; and I really do believe that many folk have walked up the aisle unconvinced that they want to spend the rest of the decade, never mind the rest of their life, with the one they are about to wed. After coming out of a loooong relationship, I really needed time to be single... plenty of time! I did not want a serious relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. I did not want to meet "the one"! I am not a commitment phobic but I definitely wasn't ready to get seriously involved with anyone. I had more than a hunch that my friend was right when she said I would feel differently when I met that special person so I was hoping I wouldn't "happen" upon him before having enough/plenty of time on my own. Maybe you are just not ready for a relationship and as I said... that's okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - I'd be much more concerned about you going against your intuition. Of course there is no shortage of people ruled by fear of emotional intimacy, rejection, etc. who have thick walls of protection around themselves and are afraid to commit, but then there is no shortage of people who are "afraid" to commit for very good reasons... it's healthy to look at all angles and I'm just presenting one of them...
Author amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 I am not a commitment phobic but I definitely wasn't ready to get seriously involved with anyone. I know you are trying to be helpful offering commitment phobia from your perspective but if you aren't one it makes it hard to understand someone who truly is. It'd be like me trying to understand the mind of a bank robber...I can't because I'm not one. But I do appreciate your efforts.
Nemo Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 It'd be like me trying to understand the mind of a bank robber...I can't because I'm not one. If you're having a bad enough day, then I think anyone could be the person desperately wanting to jump that (bank) queue. Shades of grey. You just need to find someone who pushes all of your right buttons, instead of, well... sneaking around the back and shouting "Boo!" You've been scared before, and you are finding it hard to go back to your sweet, innocent, trusting self. Oh - instead of pushing all the wrong buttons. That's what I wanted to say.
bish Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 So do you think every person who gets married is dumb and naive? Ya....I'd say that about sums it up.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 You've been scared before, and you are finding it hard to go back to your sweet, innocent, trusting self. There is so much truth in what you say. I never looked at it that way before.
bish Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 cause i'm not dumb and naive anymore ALLINA Amen to that alpha!!
tinktronik Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I know you are trying to be helpful offering commitment phobia from your perspective but if you aren't one it makes it hard to understand someone who truly is. It'd be like me trying to understand the mind of a bank robber...I can't because I'm not one. But I do appreciate your efforts. AG, I have been in my R for about 6 yrs. now ; we both keep it comfortable by remembering that life is change and all relationships come to an end whether it be tomorrow or when one of us dies, but it is nice to know I could or he could easily take the out if we decided to without a hasstle.
Pyro Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Ya....I'd say that about sums it up. You are an angry young man. You need a nap.
bish Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 You are an angry young man. You need a nap. No anger there. I was speaking from experience. I married...I was dumb and naive. I learned better.
alphamale Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 but it is nice to know I could or he could easily take the out if we decided to without a hasstle. ahh...the "parachute relationship"...just in case someone needs to bail I was speaking from experience. I married...I was dumb and naive. I learned better. people who have never been married have no idea what its like....it's totally different that what people think it will be.
Green Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 alot of women who feel this way were abandoned by there father in some way wether it be through a bad relationship or litteral abondonment
alphamale Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 alot of women who feel this way were abandoned by there father in some way wether it be through a bad relationship or litteral abondonment I don't know....many men are commitment-phobes and most of them weren't abandoned by their moms.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I don't know....many men are commitment-phobes and most of them weren't abandoned by their moms. I agree with you here alphamale, i think commitment phobes are just afraid of making the wrong decision...to an extent that they behave that way to avoid being hurt or making a mistake.
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