amaysngrace Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Okay so well I was reading this book called "men who can't love" that I picked up at the library. Don't really know why I took it off the shelf. I guess it was calling for me to pick it up or something. Anyway, the theme of the book is about these men who fear commitment. It went on about when men bail right before the wedding, those who just split out of a woman's life entirely without warning, these men who'd rather cheat and get caught so they don't have to do the breaking up, etc. Real creepy guys if you've ever had this happen to you. But the weirdest thing occurred to me. I am one of these guys. Only I'm a woman. But I do this to guys. I get close, I feel the connection and so I pull away. The word "forever" totally freaks me. I get easily claustrophobic in relationships and use words like "smothered" and "trapped". And now it makes sense why I broke out in a rash before my wedding. And it also makes sense why my exH tried to control me. Not to say he was right for taking the verbally and physically abusive road but imagine being married to someone who wants to be free? Anybody else feel their well-being is threatened when they commit themselves to something or someone?
zink Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Maybe you're not ready for long term dating with one person or marriage. Do you feel like you still have things that you want to get out of your system that you couldnt do in those long term situations.
tinktronik Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Im one of these men too, AG . And I'm a woman. I've had three seperate fiances that I either dissapeared on or made up any little throw away tantrum excuse to break it off . I think thats why Im so relaxed with my now s/o who does not want to marry and who has the same issues himself. We both circle around the same things .
Pyro Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Okay so well I was reading this book called "men who can't love" that I picked up at the library. Don't really know why I took it off the shelf. I guess it was calling for me to pick it up or something. Anyway, the theme of the book is about these men who fear commitment. It went on about when men bail right before the wedding, those who just split out of a woman's life entirely without warning, these men who'd rather cheat and get caught so they don't have to do the breaking up, etc. Real creepy guys if you've ever had this happen to you. But the weirdest thing occurred to me. I am one of these guys. Only I'm a woman. But I do this to guys. I get close, I feel the connection and so I pull away. The word "forever" totally freaks me. I get easily claustrophobic in relationships and use words like "smothered" and "trapped". And now it makes sense why I broke out in a rash before my wedding. And it also makes sense why my exH tried to control me. Not to say he was right for taking the verbally and physically abusive road but imagine being married to someone who wants to be free? Anybody else feel their well-being is threatened when they commit themselves to something or someone? This has been a recurring thing for you Amay for a while. I remember you starting a thread about this before. Apparently you must be a commitphobe.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Maybe you're not ready for long term dating with one person or marriage. Do you feel like you still have things that you want to get out of your system that you couldnt do in those long term situations. I don't think it's so much that I'm not ready as it is that I'm not able. My song that I can relate to most is Skynyrd's Freebird. I'd like to maybe change it but I'm not sure how or if it's even possible. On the bright side I could never be considered "clingy" or "needy".
alphamale Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Anybody else feel their well-being is threatened when they commit themselves to something or someone? I'll never commit myself to one woman for rest of my life. Its physically, mentally and emotionally impossible now. I thought I could do it when I was younger.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 I think thats why Im so relaxed with my now s/o who does not want to marry and who has the same issues himself. I got to get me one of them!
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 This has been a recurring thing for you Amay for a while. I remember you starting a thread about this before. Apparently you must be a commitphobe. No...that thread was about being tired of being in a relationship. It's not the same thing really. That was more about the mental anguish of taking on someone else's problems and helping them through. Or is that commitment phobe??
Pyro Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 No...that thread was about being tired of being in a relationship. It's not the same thing really. That was more about the mental anguish of taking on someone else's problems and helping them through. Or is that commitment phobe?? It does sound like it.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 I thought I could do it when I was younger. I NEVER thought that before...EVER. I was engaged before to another guy but never set a date. What woman does that? I never bought Bride magazine or picked my flowers or colors. I NEVER wanted to get married. Even as a teenager. I think most woman think about marriage. Most want that. To me it seems so confining. It makes me claustrophobic.
Pyro Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I NEVER thought that before...EVER. I was engaged before to another guy but never set a date. What woman does that? I never bought Bride magazine or picked my flowers or colors. I NEVER wanted to get married. Even as a teenager. I think most woman think about marriage. Most want that. To me it seems so confining. It makes me claustrophobic. So how did you end up married before? I think that its safe to say that you are in the minority in regards to marriage.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 So how did you end up married before? My exH trapped me into getting pregnant as weird as that may sound. Usually it's manipulative women doing that, right?
Pyro Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 My exH trapped me into getting pregnant as weird as that may sound. Usually it's manipulative women doing that, right? Ask the bitter men that question.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Ask the bitter men that question. Maybe they, too, are commitment phobes?? And their women sensed it.
Pyro Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Maybe they, too, are commitment phobes?? And their women sensed it. Could very well be.
tinktronik Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I NEVER thought that before...EVER. I was engaged before to another guy but never set a date. What woman does that? I never bought Bride magazine or picked my flowers or colors. I NEVER wanted to get married. Even as a teenager. I think most woman think about marriage. Most want that. To me it seems so confining. It makes me claustrophobic. Bridal magazines make me edgy and kind of nasous.
tinktronik Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 My exH trapped me into getting pregnant as weird as that may sound. Usually it's manipulative women doing that, right? My GOD AG...Thats how I ended up married too. We have paralell commitment phobe lives.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 I know Tink...it's scary isn't it? I hope my BF now is like me and not just throwing my vibe back at me.
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 It makes me claustrophobic. You have to stop doing it in closets.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 My GOD AG...Thats how I ended up married too. We have paralell commitment phobe lives. So how'd yours trap you? Mine knew I was ovulating so I told him we needed to use a rubber. We went at it once with a rubber then for the second go-around he didn't have one on! He said he'd pull out but I knew it was too late...sperm live for hours. I offered him a way out. I told him I'd take care of it. He cried "you can't kill our baby". Yuck! Then he treated me like a child in our marriage. Solo bank account and put me on an allowance. Yuck some more!
Author amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 You have to stop doing it in closets. Actually there's a link between commitmentphobia and claustraphobia. Now that's just a fun little fact!
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Actually there's a link between commitmentphobia and claustraphobia. Yes. You need daily intensive therapy. Make that three times each day. In a closet, of course.
zink Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I don't think it's so much that I'm not ready as it is that I'm not able. My song that I can relate to most is Skynyrd's Freebird. I'd like to maybe change it but I'm not sure how or if it's even possible. On the bright side I could never be considered "clingy" or "needy". And its not like I think thats a bad place to be - I honestly would have liked a time of free spiritedness. I never had it but, i think id have found out a fair bit more about myself if i had
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 - I honestly would have liked a time of free spiritedness. I never had it but, i think id have found out a fair bit more about myself if i had One soon grows weary of playing with oneself. Self-discovery aside, the problem is that you can always see it coming.
bish Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Okay so well I was reading this book called "men who can't love" that I picked up at the library. Don't really know why I took it off the shelf. I guess it was calling for me to pick it up or something. Anyway, the theme of the book is about these men who fear commitment. It went on about when men bail right before the wedding, those who just split out of a woman's life entirely without warning, these men who'd rather cheat and get caught so they don't have to do the breaking up, etc. Real creepy guys if you've ever had this happen to you. But the weirdest thing occurred to me. I am one of these guys. Only I'm a woman. But I do this to guys. I get close, I feel the connection and so I pull away. The word "forever" totally freaks me. I get easily claustrophobic in relationships and use words like "smothered" and "trapped". Well, I don't know what this book says...but I use to be one of those guys that lived for love. So while this book probably had its reasons for why men bail before a marriage...in my case it wouldn't be true. I am now committment phobic because of my experience with women. yes, I know I just had the wrong women, but knowing that is true doesn't make me anyless gunshy when it comes to any woman I meet in the future. i'm 38 and don't think I will ever make a committment again. I'll just have female aquaintences. So is your reason for being committment phobic just because of the "forever" thing...or did you have some bad experiences?
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