shockandawed Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Hello Everyone, I am not going to bore everyone with my story again, it's all over here if you want to catch up. My ex-fiance dumped me in December after about 3 years together. She immediately goes into another relationship. She has played games since, and I let her some. I would keep in contact with her through IMs. We would flirt, reminisce, etc..there was one period when she found out I had stated dating, that she acted like she wanted to get back together. Of course, I bit and she pulled back. After she snapped during a casual and pleasant IM back in March, I completely deleted her and began strict n/c. My dating life picked up after that, but nothing really developed. Possibly I was trying too hard, not sure. I really made a conscious effort not to but it is possible. Well, around the first of the month, I get an offline IM from the ex. She was nice, stated she knew I didn't want to hear from her, but was wondering if I was having friends in from out of town again this year, missed it and wished she was going. Needless to say, this caught me completely off guard and the curiosity got me. Why would she say she wished she was going? So I replied back, and she immediately added me back to her IM buddy list. we chatted for a couple of days, very casually. No relationship talk, just how are the kids, etc...finally, the curiosity got me and I decided to see what she was up to. I made a casual comment that we should get together sometime strictly as friends for dinner or something. She started flipping, saying it would be too emotional, etc.. I tried to reassure her I was strictly asking as friends, no other motives. She said she had to go and logged off. She disappeared again for a few weeks. I know I am the only person on her IM list and she only does it while she is at work. I realized talking to her probably wasn't a good idea. Well this week, she suddenly starts showing as visable again. Although I was tempted to initiate contact, I didn't. I kept myself invisible to her. Today, I clicked her name on the IM list, showed her yahoo profile and that she had updated it this week. New last name...................ouch.. It is obvious she did this so I would stumble across it. I never contacted her and completely deleted her from my buddy list again. Of course my mind is racing, did she really marry again or is she just trying to screw with me, any of them is possible. Here is where I need guidance. It hurts, it sucks but I have kind of expected it but honestly, I know it's a disaster waiting to blow and I am glad it is someone else. But it still gets me, especially her need for me to find out. She will never get the satisfaction that I know though. Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I met someone who finally seems to be what I am looking for. We have gone out twice in the last two weeks with plans for tomorrow night. There are alot of positives with her already that I never had with the ex fiance. We have a lot in common and she has already removed her online dating profile. I didn't ask her to nor has it been discussed. I just noticed that it was gone. Hopefully it is because of me and not someone else. lol..It has been going fairly slow though. We are both busy during the week and we don't talk on the phone all that much. In other words, she is hard to read..I am now worried that I will start moving too fast with this girl and screw it up. All the old feelings of competition with the ex came back today.. I mean, she has remarried and here I am without even a steady girlfriend. I want this new girl to know I am interested in something more than a casual dating partner, but I don't want to jump it. I also don't want to go too slow and have her lose interest. How can you gauge this? I know there is no exact formula but any tips on moving it up a notch would be appreciated. When is it appropriate to have the define the relationship talk?
tinke Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 going slow is a good thing...she will somehow let you know if she wants to be with you more. NO, it is not a competition with your ex. think about it..she directly ran to another, how can someone first, detach so quickly, and then fall in love so much to be married within a very short duration. is she the needy, clingy type? insecure? hey, kudos to you, for taking things slow, learning who you are again. about the IM, your ex seems very gamey...not good! i am not at all fond of people who like to openly slam others. if she were back in contact with you, even on a friendly note, it just would have been the right thing to tell you upfront about the marriage, name, etc. not cool~ have fun with your new friend.
Author shockandawed Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 Is she the needy, clingy type?? Well, she got married young, had me lined up before she was final there and then had this guy when she bailed on me. You think?? lol....She has never spent a day in her adult life unattached. Yes, I agree on the slow part, I hope I can do it. I have been out with over 30 girls since we broke up, and most of them were nothing. It is rare to find one you click with and then add the fact the ex is remarried and I am worried I will go too quickly here and scare her off.
tinke Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 shock i am excited for you to have found someone you can relate to, even on a friend level for now. as you said, it is rare when a click comes along. just have fun with it...no expectations for now.
underpants Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 If you really want to know if she has remarried you could go and look it up at her local courthouse. She does seem manipulative. Maybe it is insecurity turned dysfunctional. Consider youself lucky. As far as the new lady. It's only been a few weeks. You two are still getting to know each other. This is the fun time. No need to rush into any heavy relationship talk. You can bring up topics to see what she thinks about things and create a dialog where she might feel comfortable talking about stuff. Mix in some fun and laughs too. No, you should not be tempted to play competition games with the ex. You need to be focused on winning your own game.
zink Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Your ex sounds like a bit of a nightmare, you're well rid...seriously. With the new girl, I wouldnt think it unreasonable to have the "exclusive" chat after a few months. Timeframe wise I'm not sure if this is too long or too short, i guess you'll just have to be the judge on that taking into account her level of interest in you.
frd150 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Hey Shock, Good to see you here and i am real happy for you. Have fun! Take it slow. Man those first few weeks in a relationship are amazing.
Author shockandawed Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Thanks everyone, I am just going to assume she is in fact married. No need to go to her courthouse. It's nuts and clearly shows her "insecurity turned dysfunctional" mentality. Thanks for the phrase Underpants!! lol!! It gets better...in the past, she had told me the new guys first name, well I googled it with the name she has listed. The second entry is a court of appeals ruling from the end of June. From what little she had told me, it is definitely him. Apparently he is in a nasty legal battle with his ex wife still. Some interesting tidbits in this ruling, including the fact that this guys mother has been in a mental institution. The divorce has been final less than a year and he is already jumping into remarriage as well. Seems like they are made for each other. Throw in the legal drama and the fact that he has 3 kids under 5, looks like years of fun ahead for her. Wallow baby..... I will have my A game on tomorrow night. Slow but I intend on ending the night with her wanting more of the Shock, lol!! Frd, how have things been going for you?
tinke Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 shock my ex did the same thing, he may have already married. i cannot fathom the thought of moving that seriously into another relationship(so quickly). i know people do it. it could be in part, to finalize any possibility of revisiting a rekindled relationship with the former. too easy to return to a toxic relationship, so instead forge ahead to the new. full speed... who knows what goes on in people's minds. have a good time on your evening out....dazzle her!
frd150 Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Frd, how have things been going for you? Hey shock, I had a real good period but i have slipped a little. I miss her and her family so much. She still is not in a place to hear me out. Pride is still resting on her shoulder. She has been checking up on me a bit though. I have gone on a couple of nice dates. One tonight;) with a very cool girl but i still cannot shake my ex. She is still very much in my system. It all still plays in my head like a movie. Good luck with your new friend.
Author shockandawed Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 I understand that shaking thing all too well. I know for me, it wasn't until I went some time in complete N/C that I was able to forge ahead. Even when we had those IMs after about 4 months, I was reeling back hard. Like I said, I have been actively dating for several months with little to no luck. This latest one is different though. Saw her both nights this weekend. Some of it may be the finality with the ex-fiance. I mean, I have known for quite some time that getting back would be impossible and not in my best interests, but finding out she got married, strangely, hasn't bothered me as much as I feared. There was some stings the day I found out, but this weekend, I have been happier than I have been in quite some time. I think part of it is finding out what I knew I would eventually and part of it is the new friend. I really feel like my next chapter is beginning.
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