Forgiveness......???

[Lost_in_TN]

I wanted to get some views on forgiveness. My ex's sister passed away last week, and I truly felt so sorry for her, and her family's loss. Her sister was only 43 years old. I didn't call my ex for fear of her lashing out at me, but I did call her mother and told her that they were all in my thoughts, and that I was sorry for their loss. I felt it was the right thing to do, and she was very humbled that I called, and thanked me several times.

 

I saw my ex the next day, and put our differences aside and simply told her that I was very sorry to hear about her sister, and that was it. Again, I thought it was the right thing to do. I can only imagine the pain of losing a sister or brother.

 

So today I am in my office and the phone rings, it's the ex's mom. I was shocked to hear from her. She asked me for a favor and I said ok, what do you need me to do. She wants me to dump a video of her daughter that passed away off a cell phone and burn it on a DVD. I told her I would help her out. She was crying and thanking me for helping etc. I heard a voice in the background, it was the ex. So after I finished talking with the mom, I asked to speak to the ex. Again I told her how sorry I was for all of them, and that I wasn't trying to be cold when I said so little to her the other day. I told her that I didn't know what response I was going to get, so I kept it really brief. She said she understood, and that things had been difficult for the family, but they were sticking together and trying to move forward.

 

Then she started bringing up personal issues, and I told her that I was totally cool with the fact that we aren't together. But that I still wasn't over the fact that she was cheating on me while we were still together, and the fact that she left me and went straight to the other guy's house and moved in. I told her that was what hurt me the most. We both agreed that it was obvious that we weren't meant to be, even though at one time we loved each other very much. Too much maybe. But our views and morals were different, and so on and so forth.

 

As the conversation was winding down, I felt as if I needed to try and be as nice as possible, and end it on a good note. So I told her that she would always have a place in my heart, and that I was trying as hard as I could to forgive her for what she did in the end. I meant it, and I really believe until I can 100% forgive her I'll never totally be able to move on out of this situation.

 

Thoughts??????

[notspiritual]

To move on:

 

Step1: To forgive. Get rid of this emotional burden.

Step 2: Get rid of anger, jealousy, sadness etc.

Step 3: Be indifferent.

Step 4: F*ck 10 other women.

 

Good luck

[Melovator]

So I told her that she would always have a place in my heart, and that I was trying as hard as I could to forgive her for what she did in the end. I meant it, and I really believe until I can 100% forgive her I'll never totally be able to move on out of this situation.

 

You asked for thoughts here goes, I'm not at 100% forgiveness, maybe 85% and I don't know if the other 15% will ever come. I am choosing to be thankful for all the things I have learned about myself in all this cr@p and how it has woken me up to how strong I can really be. But I don't think I'll ever be thankful for the way in which the lessons were taught to me, even if I do get to that final 15% and believe me I want that final 15% because I have to agree with NS (?!) when you forgive you release yourself of an emotional burden.

 

Not sure about the ten women though... but if that'll work for you...

 

Forgiveness doesn't have to be an all or nothing deal, like grief it has stages, you can't expect 100% forgiveness straight away. We're all only human, and to forgive is divine as the old saying goes. You don't have to be a saint right now, just be yourself.

[amaysngrace]

I think the only thing that brings complete forgiveness is time.

 

Like someone else said, it's not instantaneous. It's a process. And the only thing to make it better is time.

 

Also too, it takes two to make a marriage fail. Know your contribution. Make peace with that and it makes forgiveness easier.

[Zona76]

Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest thing.

A large part of it is being able to forgive yourself.

I had to first learn this. To forgive myself for waiting so long and being stuck in a situation I could never change. Instead I did the chicken out phase and blamed him.

[LakesideDream]

I'm not tuned in to the "forgiveness" thing at all. If you have an ex that treated you like dirt.. why forgive? If you aren't going to deal with them it's very unnecessary.

 

Forgiving also serves to lower your defenses.

 

Naw, I think I'll leave things as they are. Personally if the womans hair was on fire I wouldn't urinate on her.

[amaysngrace]

Forgiving also serves to lower your defenses.

 

 

I disagree. I think it bolsters your immunity.

 

Forgiveness removes the bitterness in your heart that's taking up space. It also relieves you of the negative thoughts that roam around in your brain.

 

Clear it out and you make room in both your heart and your mind for better feelings and thoughts. Not necessarily of someone else but just in general.

 

It's called positive energy. And I'd rather have that flowing through my body than the negative crap.

[Lost_in_TN]

I'm not tuned in to the "forgiveness" thing at all. If you have an ex that treated you like dirt.. why forgive? If you aren't going to deal with them it's very unnecessary.

 

Forgiving also serves to lower your defenses.

 

Naw, I think I'll leave things as they are. Personally if the womans hair was on fire I wouldn't urinate on her.

 

 

LOL I like your style.... But seriously I am starting to realize that for me forgiveness is crucial. Because it takes energy to hold a grudge, or even to hate someone. That energy could be used elsewhere in my life. Do I like this woman, no not really, but I'd really love to let it all go. When my 1st wife and I divorced I held on to the hate for a long time, and it ate at me on a daily basis. It made me bitter to a point. In time I let it all go and started taking the high road. It seemed that when I did this things took a turn for the better, and it made it easier to deal with her on issues with our child. Not only that, but she seemed to follow my lead and become more flexible. It benefitted our child, and both of us as well. Life is tough enough as it is, and I eventually realized that my feelings were bogging me down. My son needed to see his mom and dad treat each other like human beings, and not sworn enemies.

 

As far as my current ex, well....I guess I could hate her and wish bad things on her for the rest of my life. She did do some horrible things, but what is done is done. She, nor I, can go back in time and change anything. She works at the same place I do, and I see her most everyday. It keeps the wounds open a bit, and I know it will take me a long time to get over it all. I still cannot phathom why a person would do some of the things that she has done. It just boils down to a difference in our moral fiber. She can cheat and walk away like we never existed, and leave me feeling devistated. I could have never conducted myself in that manner.

 

So really I only have two options, stay bitter and full of resentment towards her, or find a way in my heart to forgive her and wish her well with her new life. Not only forgive her, but forgive myself for the mistakes that I made during our relationship as well. I don't think I can fully forget what she did, and probably don't need to because there are lessons to be learned from it..

 

I agree with what most of you said about forgiveness not being "instant". It took me years to forgive my 1st wife for all the things she did. I don't want this episode eat at me for years, and am trying to find it in my heart to really forgive her and let it go. She chose her path, and that was her right to do so, it's her life. I think if she'd handled it in a different way things would have been much easier on both of us. But again, neither of us has the ability to turn the clock back and change anything. Just because I am trying to forgive her does not mean that I will forget what kind of person she really is inside.

 

It was hard for me to hear how "happy" she is now, but I've also heard that before. I found it odd for her to be saying those things on the day after her sister's funeral. I think she is in denial about a lot of things right now, but I can't worry myself too much about that. I want to focus on what is going to make me whole again, and emotionally healthy enough to start living a full and healthy life.

 

I appreciate all the advice from you guys and gals, I really do. It helps......

[sumdude]

I'm not an especially religious man but I find wisdom in many books of faith. Here are a couple examples that have rung true for me during my separation and divorce.

 

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Jesus on the cross...

 

The idea here is that as I look back on what I did to hurt my X and damage the relationship .... It was never my intention to do so but it happened. I didn't plan it or even realise what I was doing. The same is true for her. Most of the time we humans hurt each other with inconsideration or thoughtlessness rather than intent. We usually don't think "I will do this to hurt my spouse ". We get weak, we make mistakes we don't think about or don't want to face the many ramifications and consequences of our actions. Or we delude ourselves that it'll be OK. Heck how many times have you found out later that you hurt someone and never had a clue?

 

Another favorite ... self explanatory

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

-- Siddhartha Buddha

[Lost_in_TN]

I agree with what you said SD.

 

I know it is important to me personally to try and forgive, so I can go forth. I do have a point of reference with what happened with my first wife. That took me a long time, but I eventually realized it was the right thing to do.

[mammax3]

Wow. Sumdude your post made me cry!

 

It's so true. Thanks Lost in TN for this thread.

 

I'm not near 100% forgiveness, not even 85% if I look closely. But Sumdude, you're right. It wasn't intentional what my H did, and I can forgive him that. I'm struggling now with the hurt he's causing by his selfish, careless behaviour. But in another 3 months time, maybe I'll say it wasn't intentional. Maybe he just wanders around with his head up his a$$ so he won't feel and as a result, doesn't see how he impacts others. I guess I can forgive him for being Inherently Defective. Some time down the road, maybe.