Could you classify this as depression?? !

[confusedinms]

I have been lurking on this site for some time now. And maybe this topic is posted somewhere else. But I kind of thought that enough of you out there may have experienced this to help point me in the right direction. So ahead of time, pardon the length of this...

 

I am in my early 30's, and started dating "David" about 10 months ago. I moved from another state to be closer to my family here, and in the meantime met him. Like any couple, we have had our ups and downs, but nothing major (ie, cheating, abuse) or things of that nature.

 

To begin with, I fell absolutely head over heels but remained cautiously optimistic. So I kept a little distance. He was apprehensive, too (we'd both been hurt before), but took his time. In 2 1/2 mos, we were saying "I love you." David is the classic "good ole boy," and I lived in another state that enabled me to be around many other cultures before moving home. So the primary issues that we have had to deal with are: he thought I couldn't understand his lifestyle--beer and buddies on the weekends with me, and just with me every Friday and Sat. night. He's not a bar hopper, and his career is in such an industry that he hardly ever runs across another female.

 

We have both been cheated on before and declare that that is ground zero, and no coming back from that, if one of us ever decides to act on something of that nature. He is a really good guy with solid morals and values--the type of person I want as my love and companion. We have had the marriage talk, and it looked like things were moving in that direction. A side note, he's only had one other serious relationship prior to me. He says he loves me with all his heart, that I am his dream, blah, blah, blah.

 

Well, as relationships progress, we would have what I would call "tiffs." He thought those tiffs were collateral damage, and usually ended up with him being distant, but bouncing back the next day. I had never seen anyone react in such a way to an argument that for me was hardly anything more than a blip on the screen. David has always been very sensitive, shy, and quiet, so the mood swings at first seemed part of his personality.

 

Well, about 2 months ago, he started REALLY reacting badly to little things that would come up. He said he couldn't get over arguments that we had in the past, and thought that maybe he just needed to be alone. He said his biggest fear was disappointing me (don't know where that came from--I never acted that way, and always loved him for who he was), and that he wasn't used to "answering to someone." So I said ok, then, your phone calls are out of obligation? He said no, but that he felt like I would be upset if he didn't return a call right away, or that I would nag if he didn't want to do something on a Saturday. Then he started crying and said he just felt like he wanted to dig a hole, sit in it, and never come out. He said he wanted space. So I gave it to him.

 

Two days later, we had worked things out, or so I thought. We were blissfully happy, again, or so I thought. Now this past weekend, he pulled the same thing, crying, telling me he didn't know which path in his life he was supposed to take, etc. I suggested maybe he needed to see a doctor, that life was hard for anyone, but that he was losing joy in things he had always loved. Well, I gave him a couple of days, and he called me, text msg me, and calls me every night. He agreed to go to a fundraiser I have for work in about a month, and even seemed excited about it.

 

We had lunch yesterday, and it was good. He was affectionate but still seemed a little down in the dumps. He kissed me goodbye (one of those lengthy but sweet kisses), told me he loved me and then started crying again, but dried his eyes before he left. Then called me last night. He was grumpy today, but says he doesn't feel well.

 

So there's the background. I know that you can only suggest that they get help. You can't make them. I've been depressed before, but it was gone and I was off the lexapro in 3 months. Never a problem since. He seems to think that if he was alone, he wouldn't be having these problems. And I tell you, I think I am great for him, as he is for me. Itell him to lean on me, to please not discard our relationship, to think about things before he makes a choice. I am just having a hard time dealing with this, and knowing how to support him without crowding him. We don't live together, so it's kind of hard for me. I am going through the blame game, if I hadn't done this, or I should have done that, maybe we would still be ok.

 

I have friends that tell me to ditch him, to find someone else. Some family members say that he was used to the way his life was: his own house, work, friends, family, without having anyone else around for a long time. Now he thinks I have rocked his boat, and he doesn't know what to do. I think it's more than that. I think he's depressed, seriously so, but I am wondering if I should even try to stick around anymore. This shutting me out thing really hurts, and maybe it sounds selfish, but there has to be some part of him that sees what is going on here....

 

Any advice? Thanks in advance for anything you can throw my way...PS--I still have his house keys and a lot of my things are still at his home. Does this sound like a guy who wants to move on?

[melodymatters]

First off, you sound like a very smart, wise woman !

 

I think I might agree with your depression theory as " good ole boys" who just want to go back to their bachelor ways, don't usually show so much EMOTION !!!

 

If he was blowing you off, getting drunk, being an ass, I might think that, but he seems rather sensitive.

 

There's not a LOT you can do, but you can share your short term depression , 3 months of lexapro story, and try and convince him that depression doesn't make him less of a man, any more than diabetes would.

 

Be supportive and kind, and maybe help him get help, otherwise.....

 

it IS confusing !

 

Good luck !!!

[jcster]

It could be depression...or it could be a good, old fashioned, freakout. It sounds like he's got a lot of fear about screwing up the relationship and, at the same time, he's freaking out about what being in a relationship means in terms of his vulnerability. This might be the baggage that he's been carrying around "shifting in the hold" so to speak. I would give him a bit of space and see if he can't sort himself out.

[confusedinms]

Thanks to you both for your replies. It's helping me a little to get feedback on this--I feel I have a better perspective! And if it is a good old fashioned freak out, well then, only time will tell. But, I do feel some space is in order on this one.