Ladyjane14 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Does the MM's betrayed wife know about the affair? Because if not... I'd probably clue her in if I were you. For one, it'll give the MM more to worry about than pissing with your WW (wayward wife). For another, I just hate seeing somebody being lied to and mistreated like that. It always bothers me that the one who's left in the dark doesn't have a CHOICE about what kind of treatment they're willing to tolerate. It's true that the betrayed wife might kick him to the curb and free him up to be with your WW. But really, you haven't lost a thing that isn't better off GONE if that happens. With only three years invested, (and you didn't mention any kids), what's stopping you from cutting bait and moving on? Surely you deserve a more honest partner. EVERYBODY does.
greenman57 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Hi LadyJane14 Yes she knows. She discovered an email. But she may think its over and may not be aware that contact has resumed. MM & his BS are going on vacation next week with their kids. So I don't know what he's playing at. He either want's to play happy families for the sake of his children. He really wants to be with his wife, but messes with my wife's head telling her that he wants to be with her but can't for the sake of his little boy and girl. I don't believe he wants his cake and eat it. My WS wouldn't put up with this for too long, hence the ultimatum. Although they might change their minds. Half a loaf is better than no bread. In which case I should tell his BS. However, if MM is going on vacation with a view to making a fresh start with his BS then maybe I would be interfering, and should give them a chance. I have a week to think about this. and I know I'm thinking way too much about them and should concentrate on me. Thanks for reading.
Love is Tragic Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I've been reading these posts for awhile now and have gotten a lot of good advice from them. This is my first post, so please bear with me... About 4 months ago my H told me that he wasn't sure he was happy anymore. (we've been married 3 yrs, together 7) I took that as a huge wakeup call and started looking at how stale and boring we'd collectively become and he and I both started working to bring back excitement and romance to our marriage... before anything really bad happened. Or so I thought. Still, the thought lingered that things weren't quite right... and then one day, about 2 months ago, I received an email. The email was from someone I didn't know but it had my husband's name in the subject line. I opened it and found a copy of the OW's phone bill... showing all the calls the two of them had made that month. And, there were a lot of them. (She lives in a different state). I didn't even know this woman existed before that minute... but he was calling her every morning on the way to work, every day at lunch, and for at least 1-2 hours after work each day (while telling me he was working late those evenings). I have to travel quite a bit for work, and he would call her those nights when I was away and talk to her for hours--one night for five hours, deep into the night. He was working that day, so I called him and confronted him. Of course he denied it at first, but after a very tearful confrontation, he told me she was "nothing" to him, "just a friend" and that he saw how harmful this friendship was to us and our future and he would end it that day. A week later I got another email from this anonymous person (still don't know if it is her or her husband. Yes, she too is married) telling me it was still going on. I sat on this information for awhile, asking him if they were still talking. He of course said they weren't.. he had ended it to "make things right" with us again. Annnndddd.. finally, after I received even more emails, I confronted him again and he said yes, they're still at it. We are going to MC and we've made a lot of positive changes---trying to reconnect with old friends, trying to find new interests we can share, trying to bring back more passion and romance. Yet, the one thing he won't do is stop talking to this woman. He has said that she is his "safety net." He has said he wants to keep her in his life, in case we don't work out. I have talked to her and asked her to please respect the fact that he and I want to work things out and have asked HER to be the bigger person and break things off. She told me she depends on him for her happiness and won't do it. He's now telling me that he needs her for emotionally stability and that she's keeping him grounded while he and I work through our issues. To me, he's in an emotional affair with this woman. No matter what the therapist tells him regarding this--telling him that in order for us to heal, my H has to start giving of himself emotionally to me and not to her---my H refuses to budge. He keeps telling me to give him more time to end it with her. I've never been a doormat. But, I do love him and I wanted to make things work. Now I am seeing that he's not 100% committed to us. He may say he loves me. He may say he wants us to work out... but his very actions are showing me something so different. That he wants HER. That he wants his cake and he wants to eat it, too. I just feel like an idiot. Duped and stupid. I have put so much energy and effort into trying to fix US. I should have just been fixing ME. This is all so surreal to me. I feel like I'm watching someone else's life spin out of control around me. My world has slipped through my fingers... and I can't do a darn thing to fix it. I guess I just wanted to vent and to hear from others who have been there... please, oh please, tell me that it is possible to heal yourself after something like this... I was in a similar situation for YEARS. (My H was continuing to sneak around and keeping contact with his ex GF. Even after he pleaded for me to give him another chance, and swore to me he would have NC with her ever again, i caught him in the act of it many many times.) But stupid me didnt leave, i stayed with him. And after years of heartache and many mistakes on both of our behalfs, we are finally getting our M lined out, hopefully. Bottom line is, he sounds like he is deeply attached to this woman and probably has no plans to initiate NC with her. My advice is leave and dont look back. You H could tell you there will be NC but you will either never really know, or you will catch him again. Trust me, he will just be sneakier about it the next time. Its easy to be sneaky. He could get a separate prepaid phone just so he can talk to her, separate email account, etc. And if you stay, your paranoia will eventually destroy you. You will turn into a jealous, prying wife and it will tear the both of you apart. Whether or not he keeps up contact with OW or not. Dont be a fool like i was.
Love is Tragic Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 In fact, my H would say the same things when i confronted him. That she was a good friend for him to talk to, that she understood things, blah blah blah. But of course he swore up and down it was never physical. Yeah right.. Once emotions are involved, it is so much more difficult to break contact. If it was just sex, i would say it would be easy for your H to make NC. But the fact that he has mentioned that he is keeping OW around in case you two dont work out-that should be an enormous red flag!! Most men think this but arent stupid enough to say it out loud, especially to their own W. Divorce him ASAP!! I am so sorry for what he is putting you through, ive been there and it was awful. Hope things get under control for you soon.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 We have to go out of town this weekend for a commitment we can't get out of. Unfortunate, but it is what it is. I can't imagine an out-of-town commitment that could be so vital that I would attend it with your H were I in your shoes. You need to halt his ability to live both the M and WS lives at the same time or there's no incentive for him to change. A month is about 29 days too long to put up with this ... Mr. Lucky
IpAncA Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 He's now telling me that he needs her for emotionally stability and that she's keeping him grounded while he and I work through our issues. To me, he's in an emotional affair with this woman. No matter what the therapist tells him regarding this--telling him that in order for us to heal, my H has to start giving of himself emotionally to me and not to her---my H refuses to budge. He keeps telling me to give him more time to end it with her. I'm coming into this late and everyone is giving great advice. Just thought I'd chime in. IMO if she won't leave him alone and he won't leave her alone, there's no hope for this marriage. Plan and simple and with you two separating, he has full access without you in the way. I hope this will shake him up but he has to WANT to stop and show it. I mean what does he think this is? A game? It's clear that the OW is more important and to him, is worth losing you. It's like he doesn't even care if it works out because if it doesn't he has her and she's made it clear that she wants him. I really am sorry your going thru this and I do hope everything works out for you. But if it helps, keep posting here.
stillafool Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I don't understand how two people meeting at a conference in Philadelphia can become so close that he can't give her up? What goes on at these business conferences anyway?
Trimmer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 He has said that she is his "safety net." He has said he wants to keep her in his life, in case we don't work out. I agree with Love is Tragic, a lot of men in affairs probably think this, but he has to be pretty stupid to actually say it, as if it is some kind of justification for his behavior. I don't understand how two people meeting at a conference in Philadelphia can become so close that he can't give her up? What goes on at these business conferences anyway? That just goes to highlight how much affairs are based in illusion, in the heat of the moment, and how little connection they bear to sense or logic. Once the drug starts flowing in the blood, very little of it makes sense. I guess I just wanted to vent and to hear from others who have been there... please, oh please, tell me that it is possible to heal yourself after something like this... Yes it is, absolutely. I barely believed it myself, when I was going through it, but somehow I just held on, imagining the possibility of better days coming, and gradually - with rollercoaster ups and downs along the way - the sun came out and things have gotten much better. An important element of your question is that you say "heal yourself", and I think there are two sides to this. One is that it really is all about you; even while you are in this dark period, it will help you to think about things in terms of healing yourself, and making your life whole again. For now, and possibly into the future, your life is all about you - celebrate this, embrace it, and take this opportunity to focus your energy on someone who deserves it (pop quiz: "Who is that?" Right: "You." Just making sure you are listening... ) Re-establishing a focus on yourself, and embarking on the task of healing and making yourself whole is a benefit - no matter how things turn out with your husband. It's a no-lose journey, and it will start to give you back some strength, power, and control during this difficult time. The other side of "heal yourself" is to be careful that you don't isolate yourself. Heal yourself, but don't think that means you have to do it all by yourself. You have been doing some MC - consider doing some individual counseling, even if you have to get a referral from your MC so you can start fresh with someone who is just 'your' counselor. Reach out to a few friends who will be there for you. Even if you don't want to tell the whole story with all its details, just maintaining contact with friends will help keep you grounded. I have a married-couple who are good friends who have kept me close through my separation (they joke that they "got me in the divorce.") I had told them the basics of what was going on, without taking sides or throwing stones, etc, and it's not even like they had to hear my whole story... Just being there, socializing with them every once in a while, I knew I had their support. In retrospect, I don't think they realized until later how dark a place I had been in, but I have let them know how much their friendship and support meant to me through it all. So don't be afraid to reach out - even if you don't want to have to explain your whole story - and keep contact with your friends and your community.
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