Cheesecake Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Took me 10 months to get that through my head. I am an xow - broke it off a month ago, haven't had contact in 2 weeks. It hasn't been easy. The way we left it, we are on a "break" while he gets his act together over the summer and gets ready to make a move (something that he said he would do at the beginning of the year), but I quickly discovered that being in that limbo and still yearning and hoping and not seeing him is worse than actually yearning and hoping but continuing to see/contacting him. So, I have come to the realization that it is over, have let him go emotionally and have been painfully mourning the loss. However, every day looks a little brighter. I'm happy I found this forum because I have been reading it frequently and it has actually helped me to make this decision and has made me see that I am not alone. So thank you all. I can't believe the amount of pain we've all allowed ourselves to endure - I'm still building back my ego. I can't believe how much of it this situation has taken from me. My question to you folks who have continued to be in this situation is this: What do you think will be the catalyst to make him/her leave? What is making you stay? Have you given yourself deadlines?
TogetherForever Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 You can't make him leave his marriage. He has to do that by himself. If he is in fact done with trying to work on the marriage & if he is in fact in love with you, he'll leave. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise. You, on the other hand, have to decide if you are willing to wait. But I believe you wouldn't be where you are if he didn't want to be with his wife. He would've left by now.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 "I'm happy I found this forum because I have been reading it frequently and it has actually helped me to make this decision and has made me see that I am not alone. So thank you all. I can't believe the amount of pain we've all allowed ourselves to endure - I'm still building back my ego. I can't believe how much of it this situation has taken from me. My question to you folks who have continued to be in this situation is this: What do you think will be the catalyst to make him/her leave? What is making you stay? Have you given yourself deadlines? Hmm...Your post is interesting in that you only post now that it is over...And it's slightly judgmental in tone as you question why someone else stays when you left, so very recently... I can only say that D takes time...most people who are responsible do not want to leave their families in complete chaos and need to take care of financial things primarily...It is not cheap to D...Everyone wants what they think they deserve...So I don't know if catalyst is the correct term, perhaps making a plan and carrying through with it is a better term...I made a plan before I left and it took me about a year for it to happen (I didn't cheat though)...So all this crazy talk about people leaving for A partners within 6 months-those people are the crazy ones-you don't even really know the person within that amount of time... As for the staying part, if your needs are being met and you feel like you're primary, why would you leave? You leave when you are miserable and lonely... And finally for the timeline/ultimatum/end-of-the-world-as-you-know-it schpeel...I think everyone has a timeline...Even single people...If a R doesn't progress as intended and needs aren't being met because of that, then ending the R is just a no-brainer at that point... I think it's great that you are happy in ending it and feeling strong...But everyone is different with different needs and different types of R's...And what's right for you, might not be right for someone else...
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