RedThorn Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 You might want to read my (very old!) previous post... but in a nutshell here is the situation: was in a relationship (about 6 months), halfway during the relationship my gf tells me she has to work abroad (another continent) for a few months. We stay together but fail to find a solution to long distance problem, we are both scared of not managing LDR and so break up... but in a nice friendly (passionate?) way. We stayed in touch, she came back after 2 months for a few days and we managed to meet, just intimate, cosy talk on the couch. It felt as good as ever. Then she left again... It's now been 6 months since the last time we saw each other, we have written sporadic emails, I guess I could define it NEC (non emotional contact). During this period I have been living normally: working, meeting friends, having occasional dates, working out regularly. And now... she is coming back next week! And I am freaking out. She is amazing and I am really afraid to lose her. Wish I knew what she thinks of me right now. Our communication has been friendly, no hints at our sentimental life. I honestly think it was for the better, we exchanged more intimate messages initially but it was getting out of hand, the NEC was probably a good way not to make things degenerate. She will be back soon and I would like to let her know that I am here for her but afraid that she doesn't need me anymore. Maybe I will write her a 2 lines welcome letter... I just need support and advice. Thanks to all readers.
Alexandra-Girl Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 This is an interesting post. I can relate in someways. It is good that you two have maintained sporatic emails - a connecting point. Often LDR's turn into rhetorical questions of 'what might have been, if only I had tried harder'. The NEC part is what relates most to me, so I feel I can offer you some advice. Do send her an email inviting her out... be specific, open, and warm in tone. Don't get googly about it, but be sincere and personable. I personally know that after a pattern of NEC has been in place, it becomes barrier to interjecting emotion for fear of pushing the conventional boundary we 'think' the other wants. Good-luck. Alex
Author RedThorn Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 Thanks Alex for your input :-) I was thinking snail mail, just feels better...
Author RedThorn Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 A little update. We met over lunch last Tuesday. It was nice, albeit a bit weird. We still definitely click but lost some of the intimacy we had. Had a nice time, talked about general stuff, not about ourselves (guess we were both too embarrassed). At the end of our date I asked her if we could meet again, she told me that we definitely could, but not this week since she's busy (among other things she is job-hunting). Today I texted her to ask her how she was doing and got a reply that sounded a bit cold to my ears... and I freak out again. I have really missed this girls for a long time. Now that she is back I would like to be with her all the time but I don't want to overwhelm her, knowing that she needs time to readjust. At the same time I feel like I need to rebuild the intimacy we once had before falling into "friends territory", hence my confusion. Where do I draw the line between being warm and too pushy? Alex was right, it is getting really hard... Anyone has gone through something like that? Thanks
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Hey Red, Great update. This has potential but DON'T push it, take it slow. The thing YOU need to do is what you have been doing all along. "During this period I have been living normally: working, meeting friends, having occasional dates, working out regularly" - do this again. You need to 'build' the sparks again, little by little; Emphasis LITTLE. Chemistry is there, but intimacy needs to be created again and women don't usually rush into this stage of a relationship. She needs to, again, crave your presence. You can only do this by creating a air of mystery. You are right on track by not speaking too directly about yourself. You are giving her things to ponder in her head. With this said, don't expect her to be thinking about you as much as you are her considering that she is in the stages of readjusting to life at the new loco. Keep this next point in mind. At this stage, it is better to be in her head at this stage, instead of right in front of her physically. She is in the process of working things out for her own lifestyle (Which everyone needs to do separately). If she calls, don't talk about the relationship that YOU want, instead, encourage her when she talks to you about the little things she mentions, such as the job hunt (i.e. 'you have a great head on your shoulders and someone is going to hire you quick). Keep it semi-NEC. You can make it more personal by complimenting her in a setting that relates to what she is dealing with - this means - do NOT compliment her in a 'sexual' manner but a professional manner. You can't give yourself away before you create the new spark. This isn't meant to be game playing (as some would label it), but I can suggest a few things considering I have experienced the same position of your 'interest'. Do a tit-for-tat email approach to monitor your cling-level factor. She can't come back and say that you weirded her out, or were too clingy if you have the same numbers of convo between you two. She said yes to meeting again... wait... let her get a little focused first. In 2 weeks, email her and say something along the lines of "Hey (Jane Doe), It has been a bit since we last went out. I can only imagine how you are incredibly busy and need this time to get situated and comfortable. Maybe in about 2 weeks from now, things might be less hectic, and we can meet up for a dinner? Give me a shout when things seem calmer and we can take it from there - Best wishes in the meantime, (John Doe)". DO NOT TEXT HER. Use email and keep it short so that you can monitor this level of communication. Too much can be destructive, and so can too little (so use the tit-for-tat at this stage). Suggesting dinner is like suggesting a no-pressure 'catch-up'. Just do Dinner though. The point is to make her crave again. That means minimal face time, maximized head time. Keep the updates and I can keep advising. Alex
Author RedThorn Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 I called her, we talked in a friendly way. She doesnt feel like we should get back together, and I will have to accept that. It hurts, but I have no regrets, just wasnt meant to be. Will still love her. Thanks for all advice and support, I am definitely a better person now.
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