child_of_isis Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 This line speaks volumes. It says so many things on so many levels. she did a great job raising thier children.
Impudent Oyster Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Maybe I'm missing something but why is this guy unable to get divorced? Anyone who stays in a loveless marriage is a fool and has a problem, either that, or he's feeding you a line to see if you'll take the bait. What a dork.
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 no, he was not feeding me a line to see if I would take the bait, We were actually among other friends and this topic came up.
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 This line speaks volumes. It says so many things on so many levels. Child of isis, can you be a bit more specific?
child_of_isis Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 SHE did a "good job" raising THEIR children. Geesh...where to start? I see this in so many marriages it is not funny. IMO if anything "causes" A's, it is this right here. The scenario is as follows: Man/woman in love Marry, have children W becomes maid and mother. Not much attention from H unless he wants sex or dinner, or clean clothes. Sex becomes another duty in her job description. W starts feeling used. W loses interest in sex due to above. H goes to OW and complains about a loveless/sexless M. In the quote..SHE signifies, that it was her that did most of the child raising, without a lot of input or "help" from him. Most likely this included everything from house responsibilities, all chores, appointments, blah blah.. JOB signifies that he felt it was her responsibility and role to do this. GOOD JOB is what your employees do for you. Child of isis, can you be a bit more specific?
Author Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Ok, I understaqnd now. This man has never cheated, and has not intent to, But will stay in this unhappy situation. Its like they are on auto pilot, sweep everything under the rug. After all these years, I guess they are masters at it. Sad, for both. I asked him if he can see himself in 5 or 10 years, where and what does he see? He replied, he cant even think about the future, it to painful, he would kill himself if he thought about it,
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 SHE did a "good job" raising THEIR children. Geesh...where to start? I see this in so many marriages it is not funny. IMO if anything "causes" A's, it is this right here. The scenario is as follows: Man/woman in love Marry, have children W becomes maid and mother. Not much attention from H unless he wants sex or dinner, or clean clothes. Sex becomes another duty in her job description. W starts feeling used. W loses interest in sex due to above. H goes to OW and complains about a loveless/sexless M. In the quote..SHE signifies, that it was her that did most of the child raising, without a lot of input or "help" from him. Most likely this included everything from house responsibilities, all chores, appointments, blah blah.. JOB signifies that he felt it was her responsibility and role to do this. GOOD JOB is what your employees do for you. That is a whole lot of assumption going on there. Why does he have to some how be at fault? Perhaps they just grew apart. It happens all the time. I didn't see any where in Mino's post where this guy is doing anything wrong accept perhaps not being honest with his wife about how he is feeling right now....and even there he is doing it to not hurt her feelings. Saying that if a man says his wife "did a great job raising their children" means he thinks of her as an employee is just insulting. Whe my XH tells me that I am doing a great job raising our daughter, I take it as a compliment. I take great pride in being a mother.
Author Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 He is a great Dad, a bit quite, cares about his wife, even though everybody that has net her say she is or can be a B### Even the children say this, thats why they tell dad to leave. But somehow he just feels he needs to stay, maybe because of his religious beliefs, because he cares about her as a human being. I told him if he cared he should let her go, so she could find the happiness that she deserved, since he is not loving her like she deserves to be loved
stillafool Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I think you should tell your friend to tell his wife he wants her to have an affair. I guarantee you he does not want her to. If he is so miserable that he doesn't want to think about his life in 5 years (because its too painful) why doesn't he leave? He at least owes his wife the truth about how he feels. I doubt if any of this is all true. Especially 12 years with no sex.
child_of_isis Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Well the way I see it, if he is not being honest w/his w of 30 years. I just don't see him being honest with the OP. As far as "not hurt her feelings"...I am sure a lot of MM who have A's think the same. Just with MM who have A's..if you keep something from your S that does not allow the other a chance to be part of the decision making progress, then it is manipulative and controlling. As far as raising the children...if there is not a "we" in there, then I have to assume that W did most of the work. Men have a tendency to take credit where credit is due. When my X told me that I did a "good job" with our daughter I found it to be insulting. The last thing I needed from him was validation of my capabilities. My daughter is living proof. That is a whole lot of assumption going on there. Why does he have to some how be at fault? Perhaps they just grew apart. It happens all the time. I didn't see any where in Mino's post where this guy is doing anything wrong accept perhaps not being honest with his wife about how he is feeling right now....and even there he is doing it to not hurt her feelings. Saying that if a man says his wife "did a great job raising their children" means he thinks of her as an employee is just insulting. Whe my XH tells me that I am doing a great job raising our daughter, I take it as a compliment. I take great pride in being a mother.
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Well the way I see it, if he is not being honest w/his w of 30 years. I just don't see him being honest with the OP. As far as "not hurt her feelings"...I am sure a lot of MM who have A's think the same. Just with MM who have A's..if you keep something from your S that does not allow the other a chance to be part of the decision making progress, then it is manipulative and controlling. As far as raising the children...if there is not a "we" in there, then I have to assume that W did most of the work. Men have a tendency to take credit where credit is due. When my X told me that I did a "good job" with our daughter I found it to be insulting. The last thing I needed from him was validation of my capabilities. My daughter is living proof. But he isn't having an affair or even leaving her. Therefore your generalizations do not apply here. Also, it is obvious that you have alot of personal issues that you are still bitter over and I think clouded your judgement when reading this man's story. You are a little to quick to make the assumption that he is some sort of villian. I fell out of love with my husband, which was the reason I left him. Although he had cheated in the past he wasn't cheating when I finally left him. Infact he had started getting his act together, but by then I had already spent 8 years putting up with crap and the feelings of love I once had for him had receeded. It does happen. Admittedly I still feel a degree of love for him, but I am no longer in love with him. And in the end I was hoping he would cheat again so I had a definitive reason to leave. I can understand this guys feelings on the subject as well. Being that he is religious (as am I), you almost feel that something like that has to happen in order for the marriage to end. Just not being happy doesn't feel like enough of a reason.
Author Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 But he isn't having an affair or even leaving her. Therefore your generalizations do not apply here. Also, it is obvious that you have alot of personal issues that you are still bitter over and I think clouded your judgement when reading this man's story. You are a little to quick to make the assumption that he is some sort of villian. I fell out of love with my husband, which was the reason I left him. Although he had cheated in the past he wasn't cheating when I finally left him. Infact he had started getting his act together, but by then I had already spent 8 years putting up with crap and the feelings of love I once had for him had receeded. It does happen. Admittedly I still feel a degree of love for him, but I am no longer in love with him. And in the end I was hoping he would cheat again so I had a definitive reason to leave. I can understand this guys feelings on the subject as well. Being that he is religious (as am I), you almost feel that something like that has to happen in order for the marriage to end. Just not being happy doesn't feel like enough of a reason. THANK YOU ANNABELL!!! you got it exacty right!!! I was wondering if I was wording this right, since nobody was getting it. Where you with me when I had this coversation???lol cause you said it exactly like he told me. Sad situation , HUh?
Darth Vader Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 he said he would pay 10,000 for someone to have an affair with her!!! So he would have no guilt. He is religious, so maybe that has something to do with it. But yes, he said he cares about her, but not in love... Said the chances of him leaving a very very small.. I just dont get it... Was a interestinbg subject for me, but was fusterating at the same time how someone could waste their life like that. He threw that same statement back at me, I had no answer, other then I was in love with mm Did you suggest Marriage Counseling? Maybe they can recapture their marriage.......
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 THANK YOU ANNABELL!!! you got it exacty right!!! I was wondering if I was wording this right, since nobody was getting it. Where you with me when I had this coversation???lol cause you said it exactly like he told me. Sad situation , HUh? LOL ..... being a preacher's daughter I completely understand his feelings about not being able to leave. It's the "once you get married, you are married for life no matter what" stance. In the bible, adultry is the only real deal breaker.
Darth Vader Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 LIZZIE, your too funny, I almost fell off the bed reading your post!! but he is not the one wanting an A, or sex. He would pay a man to start an A with his W, so he could catch her and then leave , with no guilt!! Saying stuff like he would like to catch them together, and it actually happening are two different things. Have you mentioned to him that catching her(seeing and hearing her having great sex with an OM)would be more traumatic than he realizes? I mean alot of things can go wrong! He could end up killing them and himself, please list the possibilies to him, because there would be no going back on something like that.
Darth Vader Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 In the bible, adultry is the only real deal breaker. That's why he wants to catch her, It would be an easy out for him.
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 That's why he wants to catch her, It would be an easy out for him. BINGO! He could leave with out the guilt of abandoning her or breaking his marrige vows.
herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 OK, I get it. He wants to leave his wife, but he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own life, so he wants to be able to blame her. That way he can go on his marry way and blame his wife for all his problems. If you are willing to be his next scapegoat, then I'm sure he will treat you the same way. Grown men who do not take responsibility for their own actions are no more than a burden to anyone around them. Same with any adult. We are all capable of making choices in our lives and we are responsible for our actions. At this point, he is blaming his wife for he fact that he can't leave and looking for a way to make her responsible for his happiness.
Author Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Personally I think its a fantasy in his head that she would have an affair, As I understand she is content with her life ans she would not even consider an A, Just like he wouldn't, I have nothing to do with them, It was merely a conversation within a group. I just was very intertested since I am a ow, with issues of my own in A
herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 So, I don't have much time today, but I did have one more thought about this. I tell my kids that if they are ever in a situation where they don't want to do something that someone else is doing, but they don't want to insult the other person, they can always blame me and say that I won't let them do it. Maybe this guy knows that he is talking to someone who thinks affairs are OK and wants to "act" cool like he is OK with it, but momma won't let him. I know, it's just a silly thought. OK, forget I said this, we are talking about an adult here. Doesn't apply.
herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Personally I think its a fantasy in his head that she would have an affair, As I understand she is content with her life ans she would not even consider an A, Just like he wouldn't, I have nothing to do with them, It was merely a conversation within a group. I just was very intertested since I am a ow, with issues of my own in A Wait, you were talking about this in a group. Maybe my idea about him just wanting to be part of the crowd, but making an excuse for himself is not too far off.
child_of_isis Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Really now...must you take cheap potshots just because I have a difference of opinion? IMO this guy is nothing but a coward. Blaming his W of 30 years (and the mother of his children) for his unhappiness. One can dress this up as pretty as one wants but it is still a MM giving out the ole "ball and chain" line. Just the fact that he would say this stuff to someone...anyone, be it true or not, is not only the utmost disrespect, but deplorable. Also, it is obvious that you have alot of personal issues that you are still bitter over and I think clouded your judgement when reading this man's story.
outofdarkness Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? Well...havn't read all the replies, but mine would be that the person who is better off is the one who feels the best about THEMSELVES!!! If you can be an OW and feel great about what you're doing and be happy, then YOU are better off..If you can be the S who is unhappy and not in love anymore and STILL be happy with YOUR life and yourself in general, then YOU are the one who is better off...
HokeyReligions Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? Its not a competition. There is no way to compare, and why would you? Would it make you feel better to think him worse off? From what you've said he sounds like typical mid-life crisis stuff - boredom, facing his own mortality and wondering what he's missed, most of his life is behind him rather than in front of him, etc. I know those feelings! I could be way off base though. Every relationship is unique and the dynamics of one can't be compared to another. Your friend has to decide what he wants to do with his life, just as you do. Insted of trying to understand each other it may be better to work on understanding ones self and how you each want your lives to continue.
Author Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Its not a competition. There is no way to compare, and why would you? Would it make you feel better to think him worse off? From what you've said he sounds like typical mid-life crisis stuff - boredom, facing his own mortality and wondering what he's missed, most of his life is behind him rather than in front of him, etc. I know those feelings! I could be way off base though. Every relationship is unique and the dynamics of one can't be compared to another. Your friend has to decide what he wants to do with his life, just as you do. Insted of trying to understand each other it may be better to work on understanding ones self and how you each want your lives to continue. Good point! I never thought about the idea of a mid-life crisis, I will save this thought, for next conversation:)
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