Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours??
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. I'm sorry I can't answer your question but I do want to make a comment on the other part of your post (this post is priceless by the way!! so much good stuff to talk about) I quoted that part that stood out for me, he says he is in a loveless marriage and they get a long well enough, she is content. He has never cheated on her and cares enough not to leave her because he doesn't want to hurt her. I think he loves her, though he may not be passionately in love with her he loves her deeply. I also think the love he once knew with her is somewhat different after the years but it is a deep caring love that even he can't understand himself but would prob also feel lost without her. Maybe he was holding back a little... Call me a hopeless romantic but that doesn't seem so bad to me. He may lack excitement in the marriage but not love IMO.
Lizzie60 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? First off... I have a hard time with the '12 years without sex' thing... I just don't believe that. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. That, IMO, is being coward... he is just too 'chicken' to leave... simple. Who is better off? No one... both persons are unhappy.
herenow Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Please don't take this as bashing, but there is a third person in this equation. I'm sure that the woman who is married to the man that is cheating and the woman that is married to a man who doesn't love her would like to know the truth so that they can be part of the decisions being made for them without their knowledge. So, my answer to that question is the one who has no idea that any of this is happening is worse off.
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. Again this seems like all too common a statement made by those who are neither thinking of making a move nor would they if faced with the choice. I think he would not leave even if his W cheated and in fact I seriously doubt he wants her to cheat. I think he is just looking to justify the feelings he gets when he imagines how great it would to be a free man even for one week...but after that he would want back the complacency he is so accustomed to and mistaking for lost love. IMO again... HA! Lizzie we are on the same wavelength ;-)
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 he said he would pay 10,000 for someone to have an affair with her!!! So he would have no guilt. He is religious, so maybe that has something to do with it. But yes, he said he cares about her, but not in love... Said the chances of him leaving a very very small.. I just dont get it... Was a interestinbg subject for me, but was fusterating at the same time how someone could waste their life like that. He threw that same statement back at me, I had no answer, other then I was in love with mm
Lizzie60 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 he said he would pay 10,000 for someone to have an affair with her!!! So he would have no guilt. He is religious, so maybe that has something to do with it. But yes, he said he cares about her, but not in love... Said the chances of him leaving a very very small.. I just dont get it... Was a interestinbg subject for me, but was fusterating at the same time how someone could waste their life like that. He threw that same statement back at me, I had no answer, other then I was in love with mm He would pay 10,000... can I leave you my phone number... for him... You know, seriously, many MM pay for sex, cause they don't have the impression that they're cheating for some reason (and not because they're religious)... they are just not committed that way... for them it's not an affair... even though they come to the same woman all the time.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Who is better off? The one who sees the R they're in with open eyes and accepts the choices that THEY have made... The one who lives without regret...
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Who is better off? The one who sees the R they're in with open eyes and accepts the choices that THEY have made... The one who lives without regret... That's the ticket ins't it GAL!! I so agree with that. After all our life is ours, we free or tie ourselves to the morals and expectations that help us live a good life. I don't believe in living for others...you have to live for you. He would pay 10,000... can I leave you my phone number... for him... :lmao::lmao: OH MY GOD Lizzie you made me burst into laugther.. woke up my poor sleeping cat that almost fell off the couch...
Lizzie60 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 That's the ticket ins't it GAL!! I so agree with that. After all our life is ours, we free or tie ourselves to the morals and expectations that help us live a good life. I don't believe in living for others...you have to live for you. :lmao::lmao: OH MY GOD Lizzie you made me burst into laugther.. woke up my poor sleeping cat that almost fell off the couch... Sorry for your cat... LOL Give him a big hug for me... No, but seriously...why would a woman have sex with a guy (friends with benefits) and not expect anything in return... that doesn't make sense to me... LOL what would be the benefits for her??? I read an article once in Cosmopolitan (I know I know LOL) about 'Friends having sex for money' (not prostitution) and it was very interesting...
Meaplus3 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? Darn Mino you pretty much summed up my life right here! I'm in a loveless marriage or at least it feel's that way, it suck's! I need to change my situation and fast or hit the road, this I have come to know. Now for the mm in this scenerio, it's sad for him to have stayed this long while knowing the love is not there for W. It's also very sad for the W, for it does not allow her to find someone who will love her the way she might need to be loved. I think the "I don"t want to hurt the W is a big fat excuse used by many mm. If they did not want to hurt there W than why did they get into an A? Just my two cents! AP:)
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 No, this guy has never cheated, and is NOT thinking about it!!! Another thing he said to be which was quite a surprise and a insight to how men think, was he stated, THAT my MM has INTEGRITY, so therefore I should understand that he would also never leave his family for me!!! WTF, I had to hold back....... How can this man who lives in a loveless marriage, who know my mm who cheats, say he has integety??? Is this how men think, stay with W no matter what, does not matter if there is no love, a MAN MUST STAY AT ALL COST, if he cheats, THATS OK TOO, as LONG as he stays by the W and presents that happy family image, while disrespecting her on a daily basis, he still is seen as a person with high INTEGRITY by other men!!
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 No, this guy has never cheated, and is NOT thinking about it!!! Another thing he said to be which was quite a surprise and a insight to how men think, was he stated, THAT my MM has INTEGRITY, so therefore I should understand that he would also never leave his family for me!!! WTF, I had to hold back....... How can this man who lives in a loveless marriage, who know my mm who cheats, say he has integety??? Is this how men think, stay with W no matter what, does not matter if there is no love, a MAN MUST STAY AT ALL COST, if he cheats, THATS OK TOO, as LONG as he stays by the W and presents that happy family image, while disrespecting her on a daily basis, he still is seen as a person with high INTEGRITY by other men!! Unbeleivable the crap some men tell themselves to justify their actions! So let me get this straight, they stray for lack of love but stay for pitty and integrity. They do it to do their wives a favour? GOD talk about having a grandiose complex bigger than China, these guys think they are so damn good they will sacrifice themselves for the women they love. :lmao::lmao: That's the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. WOW!! Lizzie I gave her three kisses one for you, one for me and another for me just because she is THAT cute!
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 I guess to answer my own question, nobody is better off, we are all broken souls at the end, no more, no less then the other:(
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 LIZZIE, your too funny, I almost fell off the bed reading your post!! but he is not the one wanting an A, or sex. He would pay a man to start an A with his W, so he could catch her and then leave , with no guilt!!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I guess to answer my own question, nobody is better off, we are all broken souls at the end, no more, no less then the other:( You are what you choose to be, Mino...You are not a broken soul, maybe wounded, but you don't have to be broken...And wounds can heal...
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 Unbeleivable the crap some men tell themselves to justify their actions! So let me get this straight, they stray for lack of love but stay for pitty and integrity. They do it to do their wives a favour? GOD talk about having a grandiose complex bigger than China, these guys think they are so damn good they will sacrifice themselves for the women they love. :lmao::lmao: correction TomCat, sacrifice themselves for the women they DONT LOVE
KATANYA Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 IMO, I would rather wake up alone every morning that wake up beside someone and be lonely every day! If its been twelve years with no sex (which I cannot even begin to imagine is true) and they are just peacefully getting along, maybe they should both just call it what it is, agree to be friends, wish each other the best and hope that each finds "the one" for them instead of settling for "someone" to be with because its comfortable. Both deserve more.
Author Mino Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 You are what you choose to be, Mino...You are not a broken soul, maybe wounded, but you don't have to be broken...And wounds can heal... your right Gel!! I know I am wounded because I FEEL THE PAIN, my heart bleeds, A broken soul is NUMB< feels nothing, Gee I am happy to be me:o
Hurt & Alone Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 "stay with W no matter what, does not matter if there is no love, a MAN MUST STAY AT ALL COST". So, I have been told by the xmm that he is now trying to fix his marriage and kids (whom are adults) at all costs. I think that he should have thought about this long before now. Mino, I agree no one is better off in a situation like this. Loveless marriage sucks, ow/om knowing that they can not have the person they love sucks, and hurting the unknowing sucks. Just a thought to ponder...A recent article I read talked about decreasing numbers of divorces due to economical reasons although the couple did not want to be together they would not divorce and instead went outside the marriage to be with someone that made them happy. I have not read this on LS but I wonder how often this is true and in some cases maybe the unknowing doesnt care.
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 IMO, I would rather wake up alone every morning that wake up beside someone and be lonely every day! . I couldn't agree more! Excellent point Nothing feels more like a prison than coming home to a partner you barely talk to anymore who is there because... well... you don't even know why anymore...!?!? HAving lived that in the last 5 months of a 6 yr common law rel. I can totally relate to that lonely feeling you have when sleep wake up and come home to someone who is only there in body, bleech what a horrible feeling. Never felt more lonely. When I am single I never feel lonely, I miss the affection and intimacy of a man of course at times but can honestly say I never feel lonely. Not to mention having the whole bed to myself....
PoshPrincess Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I had a conversation with a distant friend today about a subject we never talked about. He told me that he is no longer in love with is w. H has been out of love for 15 years of the 30 years of marriage. They have not slept together in 12. He told me she is a good person, she did a great job raising thier children. He has never cheated, and has no intentions, but he is not happy. Children (grown) would even sopport him if he left. I asked him why he has stayed so long. His reply was " he did not want to hurt her, he would feel guilty if he did leave. So he takes it day by day, that how he has gotten through the years. He says they dont have much in commen, but she is content, and they do get along. He wishes she would have an A, so he could justifyleaving. I told him I just dont understand how one can sacrifice thier life like his is. He said he does not understand me either. Loving someone who is married, know that the chances of mm leaving is very very small, My question is to all is who is worse off? The one staying in a loveless marriage, or the one who loves someone who will never be ours?? V interesting. I have been on various sides of this equation. I have been the unhappily MW (well, not married but as good as), the OW, and daughter of parents living EXACTLY like this. The only one I haven't been (touch wood) is the BS. When I say my parents lived like that, they DID have sex (my Dad's a man afterall so love didn't come into it!) He had been unhappy with my Mum for YEARS but never had the courage to leave. He suffered a lot with guilt and although atheist was brought up in a strict Catholic family who he knew would disapprove if he ever did leave. Please believe me when I say I am NOT making excuses for him! My Mum was blissful in her ignorance for many years and even on the various occasions that they did almost split up, she believed him when he couldn't go through with leaving, saying that he had made a mistake and wanted to stay. He left when my brother and I were in our 20s (after 28 years married), came back after less than a year and left again (for good) a couple of years later. This was the sh*ttiest thing EVER for my Mum. At least I know she would NEVER take him back again, thank the Lord! When I was unhappy in my LTR I knew I couldn't end up like my Dad who wasted all those years of his life. Neither did I want to treat my man the way my Dad had treated my Mum. I thought he deserved better than to be with someone who didn't truly love him in the way he should be loved. There was something missing and, I totally agree with Katanya, it is incredibly lonely when you feel that way. Eventually, I got up the courage to leave. Fast forward a few months and I was the OW. My MM was in exactly the same sitch as my Dad had been so, although I can't comprehend living that way myself, I DID kind of understand. ExMMs kids are 16 and 18 now and he is still there and probably always will be. His choice. I personally think he is wasting his life but that's down to him. Yes, being the OW (or not being the OW) was the most painful experience I have ever been in in my life, but I can honestly say that I could NEVER have stayed in a loveless R. At least one day I will hopefully get over MM. I will move on. He can't! And yes, it is worse for the BS (or not betrayed, whatever the case may be) who is with someone who doesn't even love her and is staying for all the wrong reasons.
Meaplus3 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 No, this guy has never cheated, and is NOT thinking about it!!! Another thing he said to be which was quite a surprise and a insight to how men think, was he stated, THAT my MM has INTEGRITY, so therefore I should understand that he would also never leave his family for me!!! WTF, I had to hold back....... How can this man who lives in a loveless marriage, who know my mm who cheats, say he has integety??? Is this how men think, stay with W no matter what, does not matter if there is no love, a MAN MUST STAY AT ALL COST, if he cheats, THATS OK TOO, as LONG as he stays by the W and presents that happy family image, while disrespecting her on a daily basis, he still is seen as a person with high INTEGRITY by other men!! Mino, I realized I misread your original post, sorry about that. But I hear you about how a mm cheating can put on the "Happy Family" act, Gosh I saw that first hand while in my ea because xmm livs nextdoor. Why they are seen with "high Integrity by other men, Who know's? AP:)
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Has he told his wife that he's unhappy? Has he given her a chance to improve the marriage? Gone to marriage counselling? Have they discussed what needs aren't being met? From what you've said, it seems that he's just let his marriage and feelings slip away over the years and is more or less content just living life as it is....And, I'm sure that if he is feeling this way, so is she...
TogetherForever Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 To answer the original ? - In my situation, every one involved is better off. My s/o because he is out of the marriage & with the person he loves to absolute death. His wife because she's able to move on with someone else who actually loves her. And me too because I am with the one I love to absolute death:love:.
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