legsa Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 What worked to help you through them? Sleeping is the hardest. Eating is next. Breathing? Who would have thought breathing would be hard.
Hurt & Alone Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 It has been 8 weeks now and I still find all the above very difficult. Especially the constant memories that no matter how hard I try to tune them out they still manage to slip through. I am searching for an answer myself. I found this website and it helps a bit but doesnt stop the constant hurt. I imagine only time will help.
FireandIce Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 The first few weeks after I found out I just kept busy. The nights were (and still are) the hardest. When the kids were in bed and I was alone I'd work out, watch a movie, anything to keep my mind focused. I had already kicked WH out so I spent a lot of time alone and that's when I found this site. I read ALOT before signing up and that helped me through it as well. Now that my WH and I have decided to work things out I find this site very helpful in dealing with my feelings and sometimes just venting.
child_of_isis Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I think what is helping me the most is distinguishing facts from fantasy and facing those. The facts are: My X is a pathological liar He cares for himself above all others He needs constant approval and admiration from others blah blah blah. I focus on the FACTS. The real truth. Reality. Not the illusion that he fashioned for me. Not the illusion that I fashioned for myself. Cold hard facts.
Confused_60672 Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 For me it has been several weeks and the pain is finally starting to diminish. I too have started focusing on the facts of the situation. I found that the more people I told (not the complete story) the better I felt since they were extremely supportive. I didn't want to let my "failure" be known but I have finally realized it is not my fault. Sure there are things I could have done better but in the end, it was their choice. I found this site extremely helpful in the fact that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train but a new beginning. Hang in there. It will slowly get better. Exercise, talk to your friends and keep posting.
Author legsa Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 I seriously have never felt so out of control in my life. I can't focus on the facts as I don't believe I know all of them yet. I just feel so broken. And I cry. All the time. I really feel destroyed. No kids so no need to be strong. Couldn't imagine it anyway. NO ONE saw this coming.
Melovator Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 It sounds dumb but if you feel out of control, take control of one thing- even if its say- no more chocolate, or I will finally get rid of all those spare socks that just float around here... Yes you're broken- but you get to put yourself back together in any damn way YOU want! Who's the legsa you want to be? And its okay to cry all the time for a while, and you'll probably cry on and off for a long time, but don't feed it, when you feel ok -go out, even just for a walk, otherwise you just sit around waiting to cry again and of course you will because everything goes round and round and round in your head until you implode. Be strong for yourself, it doesn't have to be for anyone else. Take a break, go away somewhere, have some time out for yourself to think about YOU and what YOU want for YOURSELF. And repeat to yourself ten or twenty times on the hour, every hour: I am fabulous! I am wonderful! I deserve to be cherished! I am a Goddess and all must bow down before my greatness! It'll make you feel better or else you'll suddenly get an urge towards world domination...
Lynna Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Allow yourself time to grieve, that will take awhile. But even during that process, do things that you enjoy doing. Join a hobby class, plan time out with friends, join an exercise class, etc. Keeping busy doing things that make you feel good and spending time with people who make you feel good and who appreciate you will help boost your self-confidence. I joined a yoga class and it was WONDERFUL, it really helped me regain some balance in my life. LS is a great way to vent your feelings and to know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is also a good place to share your story and know that you are not alone. That others have been through something similar and that you have a lot of people pulling for you out there. The community here at LS was here for me when I was really hurting and they helped me move forward with life. Let us know how we can help and we will certainly try! There are also a few good books about getting through this that several people here have recommended. Check out this thread...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123134/ You might also consider individual counseling if that is an option for you. That can be helpful as well. Most importantly, hang in there! Keep breathing! You CAN do it!
justice Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I agree with Lynna, yoga is great therapy and will teach you how to breathe again and will also combat some of the unease and pain you feel. Other than that, try to stay busy, but also take some time out for yourself. It helped me to write numerous letters to the one who broke my heart, of course I only mailed one of them. But it did help. My heart goes out to you, please know that there is life out there that is better after you go through this. You will be alot stronger for all of it, I know this doesn't help right now, but later on you'll see it. P.s. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."
BeyondThePale Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I'm sorry you are going through this right now. As you can see, many of us are right this very second where you are. In the very beginning, I was taking Tylenol PM right before bed to get some sleep. I did it for the first week and it helped me get rest b/c when I went through this before, I didn't sleep or eat or do anything but obsess and cry and I went insane. Take care of yourself as best you can, when you start thinking about the ex, make a point to think to yourself, ok, that's IT! Why should you let them occupy your time when they are not doing the same with you?! That's the hardest part to accept but once you do, you'll make a little progress. Reading "The Secret" helped me too, it helps you look at the positive things that are still in your life and focus on those. Stay strong, you will be much happier in the end, I know it doesn't seem like it right now but if you've ever gone through this before you know you can move on. Good luck.
child_of_isis Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Well, you are in the infidelity forum. This leads me to believe that you are dealing with a liar and a cheat? Is that a fact? I seriously have never felt so out of control in my life. I can't focus on the facts as I don't believe I know all of them yet. I just feel so broken. And I cry. All the time. I really feel destroyed. No kids so no need to be strong. Couldn't imagine it anyway. NO ONE saw this coming.
Author legsa Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 Well, you are in the infidelity forum. This leads me to believe that you are dealing with a liar and a cheat? Is that a fact? Point taken.
Lynna Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Point taken. Legsa, I don't think that CoI was making a point or trying to shut you down, I think it was just a question. You had not posted much about your situation, I think CoI was just trying to find out whether you had been cheated on? That is what we were all assuming had happened, but you had not said that specifically. We might be able to give you more specific advice or support if you are willing to share a few more details. I also think CoI was also trying to respond to your earlier post and say that maybe you will never know all the details if you are dealing with someone who has cheated on you and who has therefore proven themselves to be a liar. So don't stress yourself out over not knowing all the details. Sometimes it is actually better not to know everything! Knowing all the details can be even more devastating. Don't stop posting. LS can be a great place for support!
Author legsa Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 No LynnA, I didn't mean to be so cryptic. CoI is right. I just have such a hard time viewing him in that light. As a liar and a cheat. I thought we had a good marriage. Last August, after spending the better part of the year dealing with FIL and terminal cancer, I found out that he felt like he couldn't talk to me so he turned elsewhere. Just for talk. It was an affair in my book but since there was no sex, we went to counseling. We were there for a few months, learning all the things I could do to help my H lose his father (he was primary caregiver so it was a very difficult thing). Come to think of it, we really never did anything about him, it was all me. And I did it willingly, eagerly. Because this man is the man I chose to spend my life with. I wrote him a letter and told him that yes, we were damaged but if he was honest with me, we could fix it. He told me that he didn't feel like he could talk to me and that he really needed to talk. FF a few months, FIL is declining rapidly. H and I are sharing the load. We have a nurse during the day but it's just us at other times. Terrible to go through. Counseling is out for a while because we're taking so much vacation time to split his dad's care. FIL passed the day after Easter. Whirlwind. Then when things settled down, it felt like we had grown closer. Like we were on the right track. Not perfect yet but good. Then I found an e-mail. Not snooping, seriously. I never did that ever. I was getting an address for a thank you card that he had told me was in outlook. E-mail says forgot to ask but is the e-mail safe. So I read his e-mail. Corresponding with 2 women. Sexual banter. Inappropriate. Confront him by saying this is your last chance to be honest with me. Confessed to a ONS in 2001, 2 years after we were married. I told him he needed to leave. A week or so later, I get an anonymous letter in the mail (nice timing) stating that he'd had an affair with one of the managers that worked for him. When he came over that night to feed the dogs (I just had surgery on a toe I broke when I kicked his computer) I again said he needed to be honest. Lied, denied, lied some more and then confessed. To that, and the other affair, where he needed someone to turn to, WAS sexual over a period of 7 months. While I'm working my ass of trying to help him with his father.......That's 3 that he confessed to and another 4 I suspect. There's more that still doesn't make sense. Like the e-mail where he refers to me as his roommate and says he's a bachelor living in a married body. And the one where she says she's so sorry about what happened. "I thought someone saw us and we were done." And another where she says "I'm so glad you don't view me as the evil heathen." And an allusion to sex in 2005 (we were living together) in another e-mail. So you see, I am destroyed. I am not Pollyanna and do not think our marriage was perfect. But it WAS good. But this past year, I've been working my ass of to rebuild a house of cards. And it all came crashing down. I guess it was easier with just the first one. First, because I thought it was just conversation. Second, because what we were dealing with was the worst thing I've ever gone through. I can't imagine what it would have felt like if he was MY father. Not that I am making excuses at all. I told him it was unacceptable and cheating, regardless of sex. If you have to keep it a secret, it is probably wrong. Oh God, so hard to push submit.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Your H has problems and this has nothing to do with you. It's his ego, his need to have other women, not just ONE affair, but many. I am sorry you're in so much pain - Keep posting here, many can help you through this. Would you consider seeking some counselling for yourself, so you can cope abit better? No kids so no need to be strong You ARE strong, even if you don't feel that you are now...You will get through this. Your whole life as you know it has been turned upside down, so it's gonna take some time to work through all bad stuff, but once you have, you WILL be an even stronger woman than you are now.
Author legsa Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 I guess, aside from realizing that he is not the man I thought he was, I have to figure out what was true and what wasn't. There is so much that wasn't. I have an appointment with a counselor this afternoon. It's only the first one so I assume most of the time will be spent on paperwork. I still just don't believe this is happening. There's so much to digest. I need some help sorting it all out.
Lynna Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 Sorry Legsa, I did not mean to misinterpret what you were saying. I am also sorry if it sounded like I was forcing you to say more! I did not mean to do that. Sometimes this form of communication is so difficult because the words themselves can't carry our full meaning. Thank you for having the courage to post your story! I know how hard it is!!!! You have been through a terrible experience. We will help as best we can! I just have such a hard time viewing him in that light. As a liar and a cheat. I thought we had a good marriage. That is exactly what makes it so hard. This was all sprung on you unsuspectingly. It is brutally painful to have your view of the person you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with shattered by that same person. Whatever you are feeling at this point is normal and natural because of what he did to you. ...he felt like he couldn't talk to me so he turned elsewhere. Just for talk. It was an affair in my book but since there was no sex, we went to counseling. Yes, you are right, that was an affair. When one spouse turns to someone else outside of the relationship for support, it is an emotional affair. It can be just as painful as a physical affair. I am glad that you went to counseling at that point. I am sorry that the counselor did not focus on him. It should have been a process for helping you BOTH deal with the situation. The counselor should definitely have address the reasons why he felt he could not talk to you! I am so sorry that this did not happen! ...So you see, I am destroyed. I am not Pollyanna and do not think our marriage was perfect. But it WAS good. But this past year, I've been working my ass of to rebuild a house of cards. And it all came crashing down. You were unbelievable in everything that you did to try and help him! You were EVERYTHING that a spouse should be. He is the one with the problem! From what you have now discovered, he has had this problem all his life. There is NOTHING that you did wrong! You have done the right thing by kicking him out. I know how painful it is, but he is a coward, a cheat, and a liar, you are better than him, you deserve better than him. He is a poor excuse for a human being if he can do all that to you while you were being everything he could need and want. Whatever you do, try not to blame yourself or to think badly of yourself. You tried to work with him to make things better, he never participated in that 100% he never opened up to you fully. You are a good and caring person and deserve to be loved by someone like you. You are better off without this guy. You can get through this. It will be hard and it will take time, but you can do it. I am glad that you are starting counseling right away. That will help. Hang in there. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. There are a lot of good people here on LS with a lot of good words of encouragement!
lostboy60645 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Hi Legsa I'm just reading through your thread and just wish you the best. I'm a H who cheated and I'm going through an intense recovery process after my wife left me (rightfully so, I'm ashamed to say) with our twins aged 2 1/2. You are indeed courageous in posting your story here and in opening your heart as you did. There's no question that better days are ahead for you. As many of us broken people find out along the way, and I'm saying both the cheater and the betrayed spouse, there's ways we can turn this awful situation into something that will ultimately be good for us in the future. Amazingly, just a year out, my STBXW feels better than she has in years. Prayers to you and all who suffer Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
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