One month on - "Mixed feelings" and "Confusion".. apparently.

[Northstar1984]

Hi all. Found this site through Google. I work with PCs all day long and often mind myself asking Google questions about why I'm hurting. Today, Google's answer was a thread on this forum.

 

On that note, I thought I'd politely request a little advice from others that have been there, or are currently in the middle of it.

 

Perhaps a little background info first? I'm 22, male and from the UK. I've had 3 or 4 girlfriends since 16-17ish but only one serious relationship. My time with my most recent ex has been somewhat firey. We were together for over 4 years but often found ourselves threatening to end it due to arguments, disagreements and differences in interests/opinions and the like.

 

Long story short, she broke up with me a month ago while drunk. She said she felt she had no space or time to herself, (somewhat hypocritical considering she used to contact me on the hour every hour while at work, among other things..). I tried reason with her and we soon ended up in floods of tears.

 

The next few days passed with us staying in contact. We met once or twice and all that was on my mind was our failed relationship. I wanted to discuss it and make promises but she didn't care. She asked me not to talk about it and reminded me I'd promised to not bring it up.. such were the conditions of our meeting.

 

Since then, she has discussed it with me once or twice and has mentioned she feels confused, has mixed feelings and that her head feels messed up. She has also said she only gets these feelings when she seems me. I often feel tearful around her, especially when we laugh and joke.. it reminds me of the "good old days". When I do get upset, it upsets her aswell.

 

At this point I'd probably best mention the fact she is a very cold and unaffectionate individual.. on the outside, anyway. She comes from a family that aren't big on affection or the showing of emotions. Her parents had a bit of an odd time and never married. My ex has told me before now that she cannot remember being hugged by her mum as a child. In fact, she is so alike her mum it's easy to spot similarities in the way they react to things, such as deaths in the family or arguments with loved ones.

 

I've always been the one to initiate any physical affection/attention, although she has been the one to come to me on a few occasions. It always surprised me and left me wishing it'd happen more often. I feel she compensated for her lack of emotion by being very generous with her money. She often spent hundreds at each birthday and Christmas that came round.

 

A habit I'm finding hard to shake is the one whereby we contact eachother during the day. Usually via text message and often over the phone at lunch. For the most part, this has stopped or at least has eased off. But isn't it strange we're still very much in contact a month on? She'd have you believe she was the one being hounded by me and my constant communication attempts.. but she is as "guilty" of it as me.

 

I went out with friends a few days ago and she found out I was out for a drink. She got worried, apparently and hastily text me to, what felt like check up on me. I was in a zone with poor reception and only got the text once I'd left the bar. By this time she'd text me again and had tried call me. This was less than a week ago, yet today she's clearly gotten angry to see I've text her twice before 12:00.

 

It's double-standards, all the way.

 

I've spoken to her mum in passing and she's said my ex hasn't spoken about her feelings to her whatsoever, (which is to be expected of her, really..) but that she was left with the impression a break or at least, a complete lack of communication may still prove useful.

 

My question is, I suppose, does it seem to be too late for this? We've spoken daily for a month and I'm thinking of her constantly. She's told me once or twice she's had to leave her phone off because she's found herself staring at it, waiting for my call. I know it's not just me feeling the loss, but she was the one who picked this for us and that puts her in a better position than I.

 

So sorry for such a lengthy post, but I feel any replies would be somewhat useless if the background wasn't included or that it was assumed my ex was your usual emotional, affectionate or loving female. She is a lovely girl and does on occasion let down her defenses and cry, but mostly.. she'd prefer to hide it all rather than think about it.

 

Any advice very, very welcome.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[sao2]

I am dealing with a similar type of girl, although her reasons for being lacking in affection are different. Also my ex is better able to regulate her behavior and so hasn't contacted me.

 

About 6 weeks ago we agreed to a break for 2 weeks. She wanted that more than I did. Anyways in that 2 weeks she said it was hell for her. She wanted to hear from me and afterwards was actually upset that she hadn't.

 

My thinking has been this. She is cold and unaffectionate due to fear. She has strong feeling for you and that scares her to death. I don't know about you but in my case I have had enough of dealing with that part of her. If the relationship is ever going to live up to its full potential she has to get over that fear.

 

For me that meant telling her the door was open for her but otherwise she has to make the effort to come and reconcile. Other than that you must go into low/no contact mode. She may someday decide to come back to you. On that day she will be scared to death of being rejected by you. But that fear is somethins she has to overcome. It is the same fear that forces her to treat you the way she does. It is that fear that creates barriers between the two of you.

 

Just to make another comment, yes you feel like she is in a better position than you, but perhaps not. You see in her fear filled frame she feels rejected by you right now. Logically she knows that is not the case and she knows that she must create any sort of reconciliation but she wants you to win her back, the unfortunate thing is that you really can't. There is nothing you can do to change her mind, but she wishes there was.

[Northstar1984]

Thanks for your quick reply

 

I can certainly see how it may appear she's fearful of rejection, but I'd of thought with the disgusting displays of emotions and affection I've been giving recently, she'd know from the outset that rejection isn't likely.

 

However, I expressed my concerns that if I let her be for a few weeks with L/NC, she'd "forget" me and ultimately, find someone else. (Such as the guy from work who has asked her out to dinner..). She opened up to me at this point and asked if I really thought she wasn't concerned about the same thing. I got a bit of an insight into it all at this point. I think she is scared she'll lose me if she leaves me to cry and be sad on my own, but at the same time is confused about what she wants. In the meantime, she IS enjoying being single and, "not having to answer to anyone."

 

What a situation :<

 

She's refusing to see me now.. well, perhaps refuse isn't the word.. but she's expressed concern that seeing eachother isn't normal post-breakup and that we should probably only contact eachother when we've something to say. I agree with that, on principle, but I miss her too much to not contact her!

[sao2]

I know this isn't what you want to hear but if she "forgets" about you and moves on. Especially after your "disgusting displays of emotion" then she isn't the one for you.

You have told her you want to work on it. Now just let her be.

[Northstar1984]

Well, here we are. I asked her in no uncertain terms whether she thought a break would help us, like a proper NC break. Her reply:

 

"I dont want to give you false hope, so I'm going to say no. Im sorry. xxx"

 

So, there we are. Ta for your brief but invaluable support guys , or guy (sao2) and I wish you all luck in your endeavours.

[Northstar1984]

Since my post yesterday, I've spoken to her very briefly.. once or twice. She's trying to keep herself busy, apparently and has stated in a late-night text that although she's sorry.. she's also happier as she is, right now. i.e., single and without having anyone to answer to.

 

I've done a great deal of reading on the whole NC concept.. the ideas, strategies and ways it may work for people. My ex's problem seems to be one of space, time to herself and a general sense of being suffocated. I'm aware that NC would remedy all of this in one fell swoop, but is it LIKELY to have any other effects? In an ideal world, she'd come back to me willing to discuss her needs, as well as mine and we'd give it one last go.

 

Although I've touched upon this with her, she was reluctant to talk about it at any length, worried she'd agree to something, perhaps or just doing her usual emotional-defense act.

 

Am I fooling myself thinking a strict NC or LC approach is still worth a try? It's very very hard and I don't think she's having as hard a time as I am.

 

Should I just forget this approach and settle for the offer of friendship she's suggested or break contact permanently, for my own sanitys sake?

[Goodin]

In my opinion: She said she didnt want to give you false hope and you should see that for what it is. That is pretty much the equivalent of saying "I'm sorry but I probably won't want to get back with you". You should consider not contacting her anymore. Heal and move on with your life. You are still young and have plenty of time to find a good girl, and eventually you will find one that is right for you.

[brockdarock]

Hey Northstar,

 

I read your entire article, and I can feel where you're coming from. This isn't an uncommon situation. Many people are in relationships where they feel "uncertain" and it's kind of awkward, too. You don't want to let go, yet, at the same time you don't know how to progress. It's almost as if you're at a standstill...

 

Anyway, in your writing it just feels like you're a little "indecisive" about the whole situation. Here's my suggestion:

 

"My question is, I suppose, does it seem to be too late for this?" - It's all up to you and you have to make the decision for yourself. Even if this means sitting down and spending some time by yourself for a while. Are you benefitting from this relationship? Why did things complicate in the first place? I can tell you want this woman to stay in your life, but it's your responsiblity to decide if you want to make a committed relationship out of this.

 

I would recommend staying in touch with her, BUT also meeting new people and staying single. I'm not saying to completely abandon her and just forget about her. I just want you to realize it's important to have a healthy social life with other people - especially women. There's a lot of people in this world, see what some other women have to offer (You become more attractive if you decide to do this, too.) Just remember, it's always your decision...

 

Brock

[Northstar1984]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm finding this all very difficult. I tried the NC approach but someone contacted me with a view to causing problems and stirring things up a bit. It seems she was lieing entirely and was basing none of what she told me on truth. Either way, it left me hurt and uspet.

 

She basically told me my ex was out with a guy on a date. A guy she'd always told me irritated her with his immaturity and often made himself appear a bit of a bastard. He's forever telling people about how many girls hes had and shows no one respect or consideration. Unfortunately, my ex works with him and they come into frequent contact. Of course, when I heard she'd apparently gone out with him I got very upset.

 

I text her to ask if it was true.. she replied quickly but showed clear anger that someone had accused her of this. Long story short, it all turned out to be lies and I ended up breaking the NC. We're still talking and not having a hard time doing it, although todays conversation has been very much about the whole thing with this bitch stirring things up.

 

I'm beginning slowly to accept things as they are. Very, very slowly. What I'm finding most hard is my own thoughts and memories. Earlier I recalled one occasion where we lay under the stars in my garden and spoke till the sun came up. Enough to bring a lump to my throat. Things like this I know will probably never happen again. I'm wondering if it's natural to almost "intentionally" hurt myself by recalling these happy times?

 

God knows there were more than enough bad times to go around. Either way, I'm not sure it's even worth the whole NC approach now. I think we're too far gone. I regret not using my brain more and looking at the relationship for what it was. A very much one-sided affair with me making most of the moves and effort. She wasn't a bad girlfriend.. far from it, really. But I'm more worried now that I'll of lost a friend as well.

 

I find it easier to plan my approach but I inevitably fall into a low again soon after. It's almost like a bereavement thing. Highs and lows. It comes in waves and makes me want to call her. I know this isn't the best approach at all. No one likes someone to be needy and pathetic. If this relationship had lasted weeks or just months.. I'd be tempted to believe she isn't missing me at all.

 

The fact is, we were together as very much best friends for almost a year prior to making the change to a full-on relationship. We were together as an item for 4 yrs, 3 months. That's quite long, I suppose. Now, unless my ex has a heart made of stone.. I think I'm right in saying she will miss me still. Even a month after her ending it. She removed 99% of our photos from her room last week, but has kept them safe in a draw. I know she told friends she was finding it hard as recently as two weeks ago.. but now I'm not so sure.

 

It'd help to know she was thinking of me, was missing me and was still finding it as difficult as I.

 

Sorry for the ramblings.. as many have said on this forum, it does help to just let all the words gush forth. It helps a lot. When I'm writing here, I'm not deliberating whether or not to text her.

 

My plan now is to: Only contact her when she initiates contact first. Avoid telling her she is missed or giving compliments. Trying to get myself back on the single-scene. (Which I did last night.. went very well indeed. In my opinion, it's still too early to take anything past a chat with a girl in a club..) and most of all, be strong. Try to think forwards, not backwards. I can't change the past but I can influence my future.

 

If eventually my path leads back to my ex, then it'll be nice to know we can be there for eachother.. as friends or more.

 

Thanks to anyone that has read this far - I hope it makes sense. Anyone feeling the urge to reply; to disagree or offer advice.. please please do. I appreciate it all.

[brockdarock]

Try to think forwards, not backwards. I can't change the past but I can influence my future.

 

Very powerful words. I can already see an improvement in your inner game & you're definately on the right track. If you still need help or have more questions, accept my buddy invitation. I'd be more than glad to help you out.

 

Brock

[Northstar1984]

Well, what an odd weekend. She went away to visit family Friday evening and returned Sunday night. We last spoke 5:00pm Friday. I had a ton of dreams about her last night and the one before.

 

Each time I woke with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and worry. I wanted to grab my phone and ring/text her, but I didn't. I got about four hours sleep as a result. I decided that regardless of anything else, I'd see her before work today. I arrived at her house just as she was leaving for work.

 

I spoke to her briefly and she looked so gorgeous :< I asked her if she was ok and she said she was. I tried think of to say, keeping in mind that we had literally minutes to talk before we'd both be late for work.

 

I asked her why she hadn't text me at all over the weekend. She said it was because she was busy and didn't really get time. I know that isn't true. I mean, a text takes her literally seconds. She's so damn quick with them! Either way, her reason was valid so I respected her answer (as much as I hated to do so..). I also asked her when I could see her next. She said she didn't know and that probably best we didn't meet for a few weeks.

 

I'm assuming this is because she is still trying to put distance between us in order to continue getting over me. Either way, it upset me to think she doesn't *need* to see me anymore. Something I thought would take an age.

 

I asked her if she's over me and she said yes, but jokily. This has always been her way of dealing with difficult questions. She doesn't want to drop her emotional barrier. She then said she wasn't, and tried to hide behind her fringe a bit, if you get me. Speaking from a body language sense, she wasn't comfortable.. maybe. She says she still loves me, but the way she said it didn't feel me with hope. It didn't feel real, at all.

 

I believe she would of let this NC go on for weeks.. whether that's due to her simply not wanting to talk to me, or making it easier for her to attempt to forget about me. I don't know which. Whatever the reason, this isn't getting easier and I'm finding myself slipping backwards.

 

On Friday I met a friendly brunette with a great body. She was clearly interested and we hit it off instantly. Since then, I've driven to meet her each day and have done a few things with eachother; cinema, drinks etc. It's going well and I know she's mine if I want it.. but I simply don't.

 

I can't expect her to put up with me in this state, which means if I don't begin to shrug off my ex soon, I'll of missed another chance with this new girl.

 

Is my ex avoiding me to make it easier for her to forget me? Or is she avoiding me because she simply doesn't want to see me anymore? Whatever the reason, it's got my head spinning and I feel very low today, despite this new interest texting me and trying to cheer me up.

 

I need to snap out of it, but the *only* thing I want right this second is a hug and kiss from Her.

[Northstar1984]

Yesterday I spoke to her on MSN. I asked her if she still loved me and she said she didn't know. It upset me deeply and we parted on bad terms. She has since blocked me.

 

I know this much because I did something I said I'd never do.. i.e. login to her MSN account. Sure enough, there I am.. blocked. And something else. A guy, "Andy". His email address revealed him to be someone I know. I know for a fact he's a very recent addition to her contact list. This hurt me deeply because despite telling me that she didn't want a relationship with any guy and that she was enjoying herself solo, she was still getting contact details from work colleagues. (Andy works as a technician at her work).

 

I signed off and went for a drive. I saw a friend and I explained the situation to him. As I drove about, I spotted Andy in his car with a friend of mine. I drove over and began to talk. Civil conversation, but I soon pressed the issue of my Ex. I asked Andy if he chatted to her much at work - He said he didn't and that they just spoke in passing. At which point he received a text message. He read it and I felt weird/odd/strange. I don't know what caused this feeling of anxiety, but I certainly didn't feel right.

As we spoke, he told me he'd heard of our break-up and that he'd gone through something very similar. 4 years of relationship with a girl that left him shattered. Similar to my "story". As I said goodbye, I decided to chance my arm and said, "Look after her.. don't **** her about. I can't get close to her now to make sure she's OK. Just look after her". Rather than react with shock and confusion, he just said OK. I drove off.

 

Twenty minutes later I got a call from Her. First time in ages. She sounded concerned and was worried because her mum had called to say that she and my mum had spoken and were worried about me (and the way I was feeling so down..). I decided to ask her what the hell was going on with Andy.

 

At this point I'd like to make mention of the fact I KNOW it's nothing to do with me now.. but I feel doubly betrayed and hurt because she told me she simply wasn't interested in anyone. She wanted to remain single for a while yet and enjoy herself. Not to mention the fact I knew the bloke :'<

 

Initially she denied having any envolvement. I pressed the issue and she admitted she had been in contact. Then she said they'd gone to see a movie, decided not to and went for a drink instead. This was the Sunday just gone. I felt so confused, worried and frantic. I couldn't understand it all.

 

We met to talk and I asked her if she'd text him that evening. She had. It turned out the text he received, the one that left me feeling odd was from her. He'd given me a sob story about his ex and how bad things were after the break. He'd given me words of advice, all along knowing full well less than 24 hrs previously he'd driven MY girl to watch a movie in his car.

 

We chatted for a while and I cried my eyes out. She offered me sympathy and stroked my hair as I cried softly against her. On a true self-destruct cycle, I decided to bring up the topic of me and her again. She's still adament it's a big old No.

 

She also stressed the fact they weren't going out. They weren't an item. They'd only been out once, as friends and that they had no plans to currently go again. They'd spoken via text after he'd gotten her number from a colleague. At this point I'd like to explain a little about Andy. He's a 22 year old car mechanic that got a girl pregnant when he was 16. He smokes, is very lanky and is certainly not my ex's usual "type". Past conversations about him have led me to believe she was not interested in him at all.. not even close.

 

She upset me deeply when she told me she'd have to pull-out of a group holiday we had planned in October with a bunch of my friends. We paid our share about 4 months ago and had secured a double-bed in a luxury villa in a forest. Yesterday she said she wouldn't be going now because it'd be weird. Explaining further she said, "Well.. imagine if i AM with Andy in October. It won't be right to go away with you.. Similarly, what if you've a new girlfriend?". Now, I see where she's coming from with this.. but she's actually considering a short-term future with this fella, already?

 

Surely he's rebound? The first guy to show her attention since we parted, so it's only natural she'd jump at the chance to dispel any doubts she had in herself?

 

He's rebound.. right?

Second question: I'm going to initiate a period of NC, now.. and will contact her in a month or so. At this point, is it at all possible the absence and no contact will have stirred feelings of loss in her? Is it possible she'd be open to suggestions of a reformation, or at least an attempt to rebuild things?

 

Or am I pissing into the wind?

 

Please, please reply. I've gotten 3 hours sleep in 3 days. I'm scared of my own dreams, which inevitably feature her.. and as of last night; Him. I need some solid advice here.. one way or the other.

 

I realise I'm a fool for hanging on. I remember the good in this girl. Best friends for an age prior to making it official, best friends since the 1st day as an item. And now it's all gone - what's more, it's taken her mere moments to get over me.

 

Please advise :<

[funkybassplayer]

Hey man, today i feel exhasted by the stress of everything, im missing my ex and her 3 kids terribly, its the school hols and i can only imagine that there all away having fun. Im here recovering or at least trying. she siad the same, ill be single for a while, wanted to stay freinds i could be part of the kids lives. within a week i was nothing, she had dound a new man, and i was not allowed contact. Its been 2 months since that day, and i sent the kids some money for the school hols, i had to do something. What im saying is that n/c can be a killer. i had no chioce, but in your case you do, but do ti for you. If your in love with her, then you have to let her go, as if she is with some1 new, it will kill you. Rebound or not, it does not matter. I have very little energy at the mo, and feeling drained, my relationship was a drain, i gave so much to clear a way for our future, but she gave that to some1 else. Dont underestimate what a woman can do, of course there all different, but they have got the ability to take all they gave you, and give it to some1 else without even a glimps back. I will continue to send cards to the kids, as they were my freinds and for a year and a half were my family whom i protected and looked after as mine. Please dont get anymore hurt, and dont use n/c to get her back, cos there really may not be a light at the end of the tunnel as far as she is concerned. Hope this helped.