either im a crazy psyco or he is a mind twisting bully

[emmaUK]

me and the BF have been back together for a few months after 2months apart. since we got back together he has stressed on numerous occasiona that he isnt the same guy i was with before we split and he knows how badly he treated me sometimes. the main problem i had with him was little white lies - there was a few lies here and there like speaking to girls behind my back (alot of the time it was by email and msn) and id find out or lies that he had been at one place when he had been at another.. there was prob other things i never found out.

but anyway, since getting back together i havent found out any lies.

but one problem i have been feeling lately is that he blames he for everything and sais that all the problems we have are coz of me.. 99% of arguemnts we have he will say that its all my fault and he has not done anything wrong and im starting to beleive now that it must be a total psyco and all the problems and arguemnts are my fault

 

but last night.. not sure if he lied. if it was a lie, it was something small that he didnt need to lie about at all and it make sme think that if he could lie abotu something so pointless then is there anything else i dont know. if he was lying then i feel that the way he was when i confronted him was a bit out of order.

 

read on....................

 

he rang me up last night and was telling me about a club night that is on in august, i asked him how did he find out about it and he said on the internet. so i asked "are you looking at it now" he said that he was. i then asked him in a jokey way (but with a little element of truth in it) "which girls are you chatting up on the internet then?"

he replied "im on the internet, internet. not MSN or myspace of anything of those things that you use". so i left it at that and carried on the convo about the club.

 

THEN i heard his MSN beep where he had an incoming PM, i was shocked coz he said that he wasnt on msn and it was jsut normal internet. so i got soo angry and said "caught red handed, you f***ing liar, you said you werent on msn" he then started to raise his voice and say how he was just talking to a boy who lives near him and he hadn t bene talking to him for a few minutes and then he had suddenly PM'd him and he wasnt really on msn. but i just didnt wanna hear what excuse he had so i hung up... then this text argument happend.

 

 

ME - you liar, cant beleive u say "im only on the internet, internet, im not on msn" that was a downright lie, u know it and i know it, its just liek that time you said that text was 4 luke and not for jade but we both knew the truth. u WERE on msn. it dont matter if u were only talkinto 1 boy, wot matters is dat u lied by saying YOU WERE NOT ON MSN. u know u lied, i know u lied and u r gonna make it alot worse by keep lying

 

 

HIM - i really hate this bulls*** you mind conjours up, u totaly over react but hey whats new. im sick of you emma, stop this s*** of u will lose me coz i cant take you

 

 

ME- if u can lie about dat, F*** knows wot other white lies u have told me 2 keep me from worrying. i cant beleuve u still say little bits of bulls*** like that. im gutted.

 

 

HIM- if i said i werent on MSN, then i werent. i was on raveguide and the convo i deleted popped up and then u go on a mad one. i well wanna end it with u. i think u r on a power trip. wotever though. u can get as technical as u like. u wont hear from me again 2nite coz i know u n i dont wanan end up breakin anything.

 

 

ME- i know u lied but u r turning it on me to make it look like its me who is in the wrong. if u were being honest u wuda said "msn is on but im not talkin 2 anyone" . but saying "im not on ms or any of those things that u go on" is a lie. u know deep down wot u meant n u know that u wanted me to think u werent on there at all but u will never admit dat now. if u r gunna dump me coz u got caught out then something aint rite. this is the way u always used to react when i caught u out - turn ir on me n say i was crazy. so r u ending it then?

 

 

HIM- i wanna screan at u emma coz u r being f***ing pathetic. i were only on net. was on msn 4 a little bit then BAM he decides to message me. beleive wot u want but u r jsut being a sad old woman with not an OZ of understanding in u. think about it emma. u r being a compete D**k

 

 

HIM - your so lame emma. night

 

 

ME- you such a liar. night.

 

 

HIM- ha ha wotever emma

 

 

HIM - maybe im being cruel but i think im just on a level with u of no respect - but i dont even know why im with you. u got some weird thoughts.

 

 

ME -yes you are being cruel

 

 

HIM - no im just being how you can be at times. aint nice is it

 

 

ME - you are such a kid

 

 

 

HIM - why r u with me then, i dont wanna be with a moany old bag. u wish u were younge. bitter are we?

 

 

ME- look. are u finishing it ot not. u aint exactly saying things to make me think that u want me. like "i dont know why im with you". all i have done is told u why i find it hard to beleive you and that i think you are lying. i aint called u no names or anything. u been down right nasty and bitchy 2 me.

 

 

HIM - NO u aint. read your texts. im sick of the s**t u dish out on a weekly basis. emma, i aint makin no desisions 4 a while but i aint happy with the way u treat me like a criminal. night

 

 

ME- i cant beleive how nasty u r being. if my BF thought i was lying abotu something i would text him and say "baby, u seriously have got it wrong, id never lie to you again, i love you loads so please dont think i am lying".

but i have jsut launched into an episode of abuse and nastyness. makes it hard 4 me to trust a guy - who instead of reassuring me, starts being nasty

 

 

him - listen EMma, u flipped n hung up over something so minor so how do u expect me to keep calm when i aint done f-all arong. i know i been vicious but i can admit to it and im sorry. u do it 2 u know n i know u know it hurts. i also tried to cal lu and explainu but telling me if i had said "i love u" u wuda beleived me. some how i dont think so. guess we havta leave it here n go to sleep. sorry again but i know we are both 2 blame 4 certain things n i hope u can see that and admit to it.

 

 

ME- read thru all the texts i have sent u. i havent caleld u 1 name apart from liar. i havent said anything really bithcy 2 u either, it sonly u who had done that.

 

 

HIM - yuo caleld me a kid which is highly patronising n hypocritical seeing as though u are with me for that reason (i like guys who are younger then me)

 

 

ME- i wud beleive a guy alot more who text me sayign i was being really silly n that he loves me. then a guy who goes vicious on me n stats saying nasty things when accused of lying. i wasnt being nasty or bitchy saying u were a kid, the way u were being was pretty childish n deff not the way to resolve anything.

 

 

HIM - u cant just meet me in the middle can u. something i thought an adult could have done. feels like a wasted apology. never mind , i tried, night. love you.

 

 

ME- are you dumping me?

 

 

HIM - no

 

 

me -do u know why yuor with me yet or do you still no know?

 

 

HIM - i was frustrated emma, i know why im with u, i love u but im just on a shorter fuse so didnt hold back. u cuda met me half way couldnt u. yuor still after me to mildly grovel when u still being al lstraight up. see what i mean.

 

 

ME- i love you but i cant apologise 4 thinking you were lying coz im still not sure. xxx

 

 

THEN THAT WAS THAT

 

 

i dont know if i am just the monay old bag he sais i am n if i realy went way over the top with accusing him of lying. maybe everything he sais is right and it should be me apologising. maybe it is coz of me that all the arguments start.

please tell me honestly if u think i was in the wrong and if i went way over the top.

i think i need to go councelling coz he seriously sais that all the arguemnts are my fault or mainly my fault but i really cant see it but im starting to beleive its true.

[Chinook]

Emma, stop. Think. Look at what you have written.

 

Your instincts told you what he was doing. You HEARD the thing beep when he told you he wasn't doing it. Yes, it's a minor thing - but he's lying through his teeth to you. But even worse he's 'gas-lighting' you to make you think it's all in YOUR head.

 

If it were me, knowing what I know now - having been treated exactly like this for the last 6 months, I would dump his arse and pronto and without looking back. YOU don't need HIM. All the arguments are NOT your fault and you are NOT to blame. HE creates the situation where YOU are insecure and afraid of abandonment by him. Emma, I'll tell you something he's GOING to abandon you sooner or later - but you need to take a good look at this before YOU abandon yourself.

[emmaUK]

he just rang me... he said...

 

you are never gonna let go of the past, no matter how many days, weeks, months, years we are together.

 

i said "but you lied again last nite, yuo said yuo were not on msn or myspace or any of those things that i use.... but you were, if it had been the truth you would have said - im on msn but not talking to anyone at the moment and jsut looking at something else"

 

he said "so you saying i am a liar just coz i missed out a few words".

 

i made excuses and said bye

[emmaUK]

do u think that me thinking he was lying is not letting go of the past..

 

judging by what i have told you, do u think i had reason to think he was lying?? would you think he was lying if you were in my shoes

 

is there anyone who doesnt think he is lying and he prob just worded it wrong that he is not on msn by actually meaning that he wasnt on msn at that precise moment???

[Chinook]

I think he's lying AND turning it around on you. He was doing something he said he wasn't doing. It's that simple.

[emmaUK]

do u not think he coulda meant that he was not on msn at that precies moment that i asked

[Chinook]

Emma he told you he wasn't on MSN. The fact is he was. It was open ready for people to contact him. You're splitting hairs here. It doesn't matter what he MEANT. What he TOLD you does not correlate with what he was actually DOING. He told you he wasn't on MSN because he wanted you to believe he wasn't on MSN. If he'd said 'I'm on it, but not talking at the moment' that's what he would have said. If you want to believe him then that's your choice but I seriously think he's taking the pee.

[emmaUK]

im so confused as what to do. i love him loads (or is it just obsession)

 

but if he seriously is twisting my mind about this .. then he prob twists my mind about alot of other things aswell that i really started to beleive it was all me.

 

do u think he does it purpously or do u think he truly beleives it in his own mind???

 

can i add that he has smoked weed every day for a long time.... he is currently on day 4-5 with no weed as trying to give up. i think this adds to the problem a massive amount

 

im wondering if things wil change once its out his system coz the other weed smoking BF's i have been with have been similar where they know they havent been 100% honest or that something is mainly thier fault but do everything they can to switch it round to make me think it all my fault n 2 look like im going crackers

[Chinook]

Emma, I think maybe this is not just about him, but also about you. Have a look at this page. Look at the profile of an abandoner and then read the bit about abandholism. I think you maybe not only need to look at what he does but also what you're drawn to in a man. The only reason I say this is because I recognised this in myself recently. I had a breakup 4 weeks ago now and I plan to stay single until I can actually figure out what makes me tick and why I go down these routes. See, right at the start I knew my last ex was probably not good for me, but I ignored my gut and gave him a chance.

[emmaUK]

bloody hell... this bit sounds very familier.....

 

attempt to BLAME you for the break up. It's because you were too "needy" or "dependent" or "angry," they might say. Meanwhile, if you have become "needy" or "dependent" or "angry" it is not because you ARE these things, but because you were REACTING to their gradually pulling away. None-the-less, you will beat yourself up for these things anyway.

[Chinook]

Sorry, I laughed at your post because that was EXACTLY my same reaction!!! Yes, I know. Just use the information you have learned to move forward.

[emmaUK]

i thought i was needy though and its jsut the way i am. his mum even told him that i was obssesd with him

 

the BF tells me im high maintenance

[Chinook]

It's bollocks Emma. In the right relationship there would be no need for all this. I had same thing, but when I look back to the start HE had no problem maintaining a high level of communication and intimacy. It was HIM who withdrew. That's fine, but then don't fcking blame me for it by saying I'm high maintenance!

 

Also, wtf would his mother know...? SHE isn't in the relationship with you and SHE only knows what HE tells her. If I were you, I'd step back and drop him for a few days. If he cares like he says he does, he'll still be there for you.

[emmaUK]

HE had no problem maintaining a high level of communication and intimacy. It was HIM who withdrew. That's fine, but then don't fcking blame me for it by saying I'm high maintenance! quote]

 

yea i guess... once we got back together he was all over me al lthe time n then the amount of contact we had got less n when i asked him why he dont do this or that no mroe he jsut sais i was moaning n i was on his case.

 

but other people i told jsut said "u cant expect it to last like that the whole relationship... things die down" so i jsut thought it was normal

[Chinook]

Maybe it is normal, but then it isn't normal to be spending time talking on MSN to other people. Emma, sorry I'm gonna be harsh here. Don't question yourself. If your gut is telling you something is off, then the chances are...something is off. Don't buy it. I did exactly what you're doing now almost 3 months ago. I KNEW something was up and I asked and asked and asked and he said it was me. It turns out now that not only was he cheating on me with his ex-wife but actually he had never left her in the first place like he told me he had!!!! My gut told me all along something was up. Yes, the newness DOES settle down - but the lack of contact can and does continue. My previous partner of 10 years, we would email and call each other all day long to check where we were up to. When someone is as into you as you are into them it does not equate to "high maintenance" it equates to the feelings being reciprocated. It's simply called making an effort and yes, that gets less but not to the point where there is a drastic imbalance like this!

[emmaUK]

yea i get what u r saying totaly.

 

so i take it you ended the relationship when u found out his big lie... how long did it take u to get over the worst of the pain??? u still upset now???

[Chinook]

It was four weeks yesterday that he actually dumped me. I had written an email basically calling him out on a lie he had told. I stood up to him and his response was to end it - saying it was all in my head. My response was "fine". I only actually found out about the 'big' lie yesterday. Up until yesterday I was in a lot of pain. It was hard going. Today I feel serene and calm inside. As if all my pain and trouble has subsided. It will take me some time but I feel like I'm already half way to being over him. He treated me very badly and I don't deserve that from anyone. Neither do you.

[emmaUK]

so the big lie has made u get over him jsut that little bit quicker?? thats good i guess.

 

i feel like im not strong enough to end it with him coz i feel so strong for him and when he is nice .. he is sooooo nice and can be really lovely to me... i have had more amazing time with him then anyone n im so scared to end that forver.

i tried to finish it about a week or 2 ago but as soon as i had done it i felt sick and soo lonely and i missed him badly so i said id made a mistake.

 

with my ex's its been pretty similar... its gone on liek this with me confused for ages until they did one last big thing that pushed me over the edge n i finaly got the courage to leave.

my daugthers dad it was soo similar (the funny thing is that the current BF slags him off and calls him a w**ker for what he did to me) he used to lie alot and i would catch him out n then he would have an answer for everything... he made me feel like i was a total bitch and everything was my fault. the icing on the cake was during an arguement when i was pregnant... he had gone out clubbing which i wasnt happy about coz i just had to sit in n feel fat n ugly while he was out drinking n probly flirting.. he said he's be back no later then 2am... i woke at 3.30am n he still wasnt there so i kept ringing his phone coz i was worried. he everntually came home at 4.30 and said "whats the matter with you? why u keep ringing my phone? are u obssesd with me or somethin?" i asked him why he was treatin me like s***, he said "thats coz you are s***" so i slapepd him round the face n a fight kicked off n he ended up kicking me in the stomach. it was only then that i decided to leave when i knew the baby could have died.

 

it usualy takes something extreme for me to leave.

 

why do i feel liek im not really worth more???

[emmaUK]

i wish i was a really really strong person that doesnt take any s**t off anyone.

i have always been liek this.. think its coz of the strict christian upbringin i had when my mum always told me to turn the other cheek when someone is nasty.

 

in some ways people think im a very confident strong person... but when it comes to relationships and people i have to deal with who kind of have an element of authority for bills etc such as electric company, landlords etc.. i am just not strong at all.

if i feel i am being charged way to much for something i will confront someone but when they say "no u have to pay this" i just say "ok" an d then struggle on.

my BF's mum got let off her whole mortgage after the split up with my BF's dad.. she rang the mortgage company up n said "i cant afford the repyments now" they kept lowering n lowering the amoutn she had to pay back until they let her off the whole mortgage coz she jsut kept saying "im not paying that" so in a way she got a house for free

 

i wish i could be liek that