spookie Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Better question: have you in the past? This has been the nagging thought in the back of my mind as I contemplate the demise of my relationship. I don't want to develop body image distortion but I can't help thinking that if I had been in better shape, the ex would have stayed in love. I had gained approximately 5 pounds around my middle at the time of the breakup... no one else noticed since I am 5'8 and that put me at 138 lbs, still a good healthy weight, but, thinking back, I can't help remembering him telling me I'd probably look really hot if I lost 10 pounds. And being critical whenever I ate. Hypocritical if you ask me seeing as how HE never moved at all.
Author spookie Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 To answer my own question, I know I wouldn't. But the kind of love I give, once I do choose to love some, borders on dementia. It's completely unconditional, which I am thinking is unhealthy as it allows the objects of my affections to trod all over me without repercussions.
McFadden Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Better question: have you in the past? This has been the nagging thought in the back of my mind as I contemplate the demise of my relationship. I don't want to develop body image distortion but I can't help thinking that if I had been in better shape, the ex would have stayed in love. I had gained approximately 5 pounds around my middle at the time of the breakup... no one else noticed since I am 5'8 and that put me at 138 lbs, still a good healthy weight, but, thinking back, I can't help remembering him telling me I'd probably look really hot if I lost 10 pounds. And being critical whenever I ate. Hypocritical if you ask me seeing as how HE never moved at all. That is horrendous, you wouldn't want to be with someone who made a big deal about 5lbs anyway because 5'8 138lbs is an ideal weight. It probably had nothing to do with the weight because people like that find something to harp on no matter what. You know that since you answered the question but I'm just adding my agreement lol.
PoshPrincess Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 To answer my own question, I know I wouldn't. But the kind of love I give, once I do choose to love some, borders on dementia. It's completely unconditional, which I am thinking is unhealthy as it allows the objects of my affections to trod all over me without repercussions. Spookie, I was pretty much like that in Rs when I was younger. How old are you? You might well come through that one day. I am still insecure about my body image but not to the point of paranoia, like I used to be, thank God. As for your BF, I can't believe he would be so rude as to tell you you could do with losing 10lbs! What a cheek! He is obviously God Damn Perfect then, huh? LOL:D As McFadden has just told you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your weight when you are 5'8". I should be telling myself that though, as at 140lbs and 5'8" I look in the mirror and don't see anything attarctive! The difference is that I have a fantastic BF who tells me every day how gorgeous and sexy he thinks I am. AND I was only about 130lbs when we got together so me putting on weight hasn't put him off (he actually said I could do with putting ON half a stone! Ironic, eh?) Spookie, don't be down if your R ends with this guy. Any bloke worth anything would treat you with more respect and wouldn't be so shallow as to want to finish with you if you had put on 5lbs. 5lbs is NOTHING! This shouldn't make any difference to the way he feels about you. Do yourself a favour and find yourself a lovely guy who deserves to be with you. You are far better than this! Do you have self-confidence issues anyway or is it because of this comment he made about you? If you do, it may be worth seeking counselling which I have been doing myself. My exP used to tell me I was body-dysmorphic and my current BF thinks pretty much the same thing and I know they're right, which is half the battle! Keep us posted & best of luck!
Zona76 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 My H could look better but then so could I. I fell MADLY and passionately in love with this man. We're not in it for the show stopping scene. I don't compare. This is for those who feel they HAVE TO have the beautiful partner. Are you LOOKING at others? Or concerned with what your friends think? Seems the feelings in this relationship don't matter as much as you once thought. Relationships aren't based on opinions of others. We age and for the most of us we have a good grounded love that we can hold on to for a lifetime. It appears that you aren't looking for that lifetime relationship. Partners aren't accessories.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I don't think I would... It happened only once that I fell in love with an overweight guy (my last ex)... he gained a bit more when we moved together... I still loved him... he was extremely good looking (face), very clean. I would probably fall 'out of love' with any guy who just let themselves go... hygiene, weight, etc. it has nothing to do with weight. The only concern I have is about health... I would nag him to lose weight cause I was petrified he'd have a stroke, or diabetes.
Herzen Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 If a girl friend (for lifestyle reasons)ballooned to the point where she became obese and lost her figure, and demonstrated little interest or motivation in losing the weight, I would leave. Call me superficial, cold and heartless: But when all desire is gone and has been replaced by a visceral repugnance for a lover's fat and squishy body why continue in the relationship? Nostalgia? Guilt? Fear of being labeled shallow or superficial? Why fake a relationship? Why pretend desire? And by the way, If a woman left me after I allowed my body to go south, I'd understand. If she gets fat, I get out.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Oh my god! That is terrible. None of us will stay the same. Age will get us all in the end. I don't care how much lipo, tucks and lifts people get they still look their age. It's sad that this is what we have become.
Herzen Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Remember this is just one man's view--and a dysfunctional one's at that. I'm very slim and fit, and that plays a huge role in my body preferences. Age is not an issue: I'm in my mid-50's and I'm dating a woman just a year younger. And she looks her age, but she's athletic and very fit. It's just personal preference.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Oh my god! That is terrible. None of us will stay the same. Age will get us all in the end. I don't care how much lipo, tucks and lifts people get they still look their age. It's sad that this is what we have become. that we don't stay the same... but we have to do everything in our power to remain healthy and fit. I would be obese if I wouldn't watch what I eat... I have a sweet tooth and I love all the junk food. I have gained a little weight...first time in years that I find it quite hard to lose actually... I am 55, still have a great body and the weight I gained bothers me A LOT! But on the other hand... I think that as we get older, we do change and gain weight...and I suppose that, at one point, we cannot control mother nature as well... so we eventually give up and just don't give a 'hoot' if our body is not as 'hot' as it used to be... I suppose... not there yet..
Hazy Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 No. You don't fall in love with someone's looks. That is not true love. If you are 5'8", you are a thin woman. Even if you had gained 20 pounds, if he didn't love you because of that, then he wasn't in love with you in the first place.
Hazy Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 If a girl friend (for lifestyle reasons)ballooned to the point where she became obese and lost her figure, and demonstrated little interest or motivation in losing the weight, I would leave. Call me superficial, cold and heartless: But when all desire is gone and has been replaced by a visceral repugnance for a lover's fat and squishy body why continue in the relationship? Nostalgia? Guilt? Fear of being labeled shallow or superficial? Why fake a relationship? Why pretend desire? And by the way, If a woman left me after I allowed my body to go south, I'd understand. If she gets fat, I get out. We're only talking 5 pounds here. 138 at 5'8 inches is a slim woman. If a guy ever told me "If you lost 10 pounds you'd be a lot hotter" I'd know he wasn't in love with me and leave him. Luckily I haven't dated anyone who is that much of an a**hole.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Is it OK for people to gain a lot of weight then expect their partner to remain in love with them?
Herzen Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 That guy is an a-hole. No question. I hope he ends up looking like the Goodyear blimp. I'm speaking hypothetically: when the woman's figure is almost gone and she's clinically obese. 5 to 10 pounds is nothing--simple weight fluctuation.Again, the guy's a dick. Think Kirstie Alley, post-Cheers.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 No, I don't think anyone should let themselves go. You should want to look your best for yourself and keep up your health. But, when you love someone and especially if you marry them, you have to love them no matter what happens. Suppose your SO becomes sick and has to take medication that may cause a lot of weight gain? They can't help it and still deserve your love. I guess if someone is just sitting around the house not being productive and chugging down brownies all day and gaining 5 lbs. a week, well then we would have to have a serious talk.
Hazy Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Yes. That is not the original question though. I was seeing someone who gained 30 pounds because he had rotator cuff surgery while I was seeing him and couldn't go running for several months when he usually had run 4 to 5 times a week. This did not change my love or attraction for him, and he was only 5'8" so it was very noticeable, he went from a slim, fit guy to a heavy, overweight guy. He also was frustrated during the recovery and tended to eat more since he was frustrated with not being able to be active like he is. I have always been pretty slender as I watch my weight and exercise. Plus weight can always be lost. So I believe when it is true, deep love, your love doesn't go away. I really loved this man when we were together. I really believe you don't fall in love with looks. However what Herzen was saying, if they gain a lot of weight and do not make efforts to lose it, I would say that is a matter of then you are not in love with them because they don't tick the same way you do, as in being active in order to stay slim and lose weight. I was still in love with this guy above because I knew inside he was still the same happy, intelligent, caring, active guy inside, the surgery just made him depressed for almost a year but he was the same man 30 pounds heavier, albeit depressed, and I still loved him.
Herzen Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 No. You don't fall in love with someone's looks. That is not true love. If you are 5'8", you are a thin woman. Even if you had gained 20 pounds, if he didn't love you because of that, then he wasn't in love with you in the first place. I bet that most people do. Love is not blind: we're all visual creatures and physical attraction--for most--is a necessary if not sufficient condition for love. Most live in the realm of the senses. That may not be PC-romantic, but that's how the mating game is played--among humans and in nature. Love and attraction is not a Hallmark Card.
Hazy Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I bet that most people do. Love is not blind: we're all visual creatures and physical attraction--for most--is a necessary if not sufficient condition for love. Most live in the realm of the senses. That may not be PC-romantic, but that's how the mating game is played--among humans and in nature. Love and attraction is not a Hallmark Card. Attraction is part of it, but it is not what being "in love" with someone is about.
Herzen Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 No, I don't think anyone should let themselves go. You should want to look your best for yourself and keep up your health. But, when you love someone and especially if you marry them, you have to love them no matter what happens. Suppose your SO becomes sick and has to take medication that may cause a lot of weight gain? They can't help it and still deserve your love. I guess if someone is just sitting around the house not being productive and chugging down brownies all day and gaining 5 lbs. a week, well then we would have to have a serious talk. That's right:That's why in my original post I linked the weight gain to "lifestyle choices." Illness is an altogether different matter. For me, marriage is not a license for any otherwise healthy young to middle aged spouse to balloon to Kirstie Alley proportions. A complacent, fat spouse is soon an ex-spouse.
Hazy Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Kirsty Alley lost 75 pounds so that goes to show that it's still the same person inside. Weight is transitory.
bish Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I don't want to develop body image distortion but I can't help thinking that if I had been in better shape, the ex would have stayed in love. I had gained approximately 5 pounds around my middle at the time of the breakup... no one else noticed since I am 5'8 and that put me at 138 lbs, still a good healthy weight, but, thinking back, I can't help remembering him telling me I'd probably look really hot if I lost 10 pounds. And being critical whenever I ate. Hypocritical if you ask me seeing as how HE never moved at all. 5'8" and 138lbs is not bad at all...I'd say thats a really nice size! In answer to the question, no I would not fall out of love if my SO gained weight. Thats not what love is. If someone thinks love is measured by attraction, then you're not in love....just lust. Now if my SO became obese, I'd still love her, but I wouldn't probably have the hots for her anymore. I'd encourage her to lose it, help her do so....mainly for her health more than anything.
Aloros Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I think it really depends on the circumstances. If it was something like in Hazy's case, where my guy had surgery and forced inactivity, I wouldn't fall out of love with him. But if the weight gain were indicative of a lifestyle change, it might prompt some lessening of feeling. I'm very active - I enjoy a variety of sports and activities that require physical exertion. One of the things I love about my SO is that he is my perfect travel companion. We're both very much on-the-go, love swimming, hiking, cycling, diving. We also love the same sorts of food (which is important since we cook most of our meals together). We enjoy a burger once in a while, or some deep-fried food, but neither of us can eat very much without feeling sort of weighed down and gross. I can't imagine my SO gaining weight except under dire circumstances. Barring that, the weight gain could only be due to a lifestyle change, in which case, his lifestyle would no longer be compatible with mine. So yes, that might cause me to lose feelings for him.
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 In the OPs situation, the weight gain is insignificant and anyone who runs around criticizing someone for 5 - 10 lbs doesn't care all that much about another persons feelings. On the other hand, if someone gains an additional 25%+ of bodyweight or more, the questions would be, what are you putting your body through? Why have you stopped caring about yourself as a person? If it's just plain laziness and gluttony, I would have issues with it. If it's something more, maybe I can help support your attempt to revitalize your self-image. Besides the normal gender lifespan difference, I don't want to outlive a life partner. I do junk out once in awhile but most of the time my diet is pretty healthy and no, I've never dieted in my life. Diets don't work. Lifestyle changes do. Calories in, calories out. If they're equal, you're okay, if they are skewed so that in exceeds out, you're going to gain weight and the reverse thereof. So simple. Eat a piece of celery, instead of that bowl of calorifically loaded caesar salad.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Would you fall out of love if your SO put on weight? No. Not even if he lost all his gorgeous hair and grew it on his back instead. Not even if he were horribly disfigured in an accident, wheelchair bound, unable to have sex and I had to wipe his butt and change his diapers. While I won’t deny that my initial attraction to him was superficial ... what I fell in love with (and what keeps me there) is the beautiful person he is on the inside. This is the man I want to grow old with ... so let Mother Nature and Father Time do it’s worse. As long as the man I know on the inside doesn’t morph into something hideous and ugly, than what happens on the surface will never detract from the way I feel about him.
Krytellan Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Hey Spookie. For what it's worth, I have had two relatively recent women (ex-wife and one before) put on weight and that had no effect on my love for them. There is just more to it than that. If it does play a factor for someone, then there is already enough on their mind to warrant a problem anyway.
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