i need on this n/c guys.

[funkybassplayer]

Financial gain aside such as child support or alimony in a separated situation, if her ex treated her like dirt, no doubt she enjoys the head games with him. It's a form of taking back what she should have gotten to begin with, not that I'm justifying her actions because it's not healthy.

 

Her ex empowered her by allowing her to use him as an emotional crutch.

 

In order for someone to commit though, they need to know for certain you are 100% committed. If they don't get it, they won't commit.

 

 

Belive me there was no fiancail gain with him, only £150 a month, and she knew i would have paid that and more. HE never gave to the mortgage, her gran did, and stopped paying joint loans. I always said i would have bought him out, and from what i can see, she was selfish to him as well, such as going out and leaving him at home and making him give up a p/t job to help clean the house! i really dont know what happened with them, but i know with me, she was like that too, she knew i found it hard when she went clubbing then telling me this guy gropped her etc. I wanted her to be commited, i wanted her to tell me how much she loves me as i did to her, rather than her say how much do you love me. I wanted her to make me feel specail. i told her that i would willingly die for her and the kids, and they were like my own, she knew this, she knew i would commit 100% there was no dought, but how i was treated in some respects made me feel insecure. I guess it was a catch 22 situation in that she nevr made me feel like i was hers 100% and i could not do all that was expected of me b/c i was trust into this mad situation of 3 kids married finacial prob, clubbing and all other stuff, but i gladly stood by her, and really wanted to work things out with her and stuff. One thing that i remember was a friend of hers dyed, the first person she called was her ex hubby, that realy hurt me, i was there with her, i wanted to make her feel better cos i loved the pants off her. I told her many times i want the family thing woth you, i want a kid with you, i mean how much can you say and do? She was ill alot with stress, i was always with her, massarging her, running her bath, cooking for her,looking after the kids. I loved her so very much. When i got into the relationship, i never expected all these issues in her life, but when they came up. i wanted to help, and clear a parth for our future. The last time we went out i said that her hubbys over her now, her responce ' he text me and said he will never let me go' my responce, you have to get rid of him, hers i dont want to talk about it. This was serious **** in her life that if she truly wanted a future with me needed to be addressed, and not stuck to one side. That shows how much i wanted her, otherwise i would not have gien a crap about her hubby or what he said. I spent my last penny on her kids, and i even gutted and done the rooms for her kids. It was not an easy relationship for me, with nights in cleaning and cooking for her and the kids, but i loved every minate of it, and would do it again. What hurt was she would go out with her mates get drunk, and i waould have this women who had no energy for me, and that really hurt me. I planned many things and on the most part she was asleep! i LOVED HER THOUGH AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERED, AND IN THE END, I NEVER GOT TO SAY HOW MUCH AND THATS WHY I WANT TO TELL HER, EVEN IF ITS TOO LATE, B/C ITS WHAT I WANT TO DO. People say get backbone, sometimes saying how you feel takes more guts than staying quite, and if i know one thing, its not to feel that you should have said something when you never. Whatever the outcome.

[uniqueone]

Don't send that letter!!!

 

If you're going to send any letter....it's going to have to sound way different from that.

 

Ok, now I'm going to send you this clip that I sent to Chinook and I want you to listen to it.....just remember though....they weren't too skilled with making videos in 1979.....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhD3xazAaxU

[tinke]

funky...go back and read some of your replies to others.

why give her so much power?

she knows you miss her and love her....she chooses not to contact you!!!

same difference to me, whether she left you for him, or met 1 week later....it was a short duration, and she openly chose him!~! she did finalize the end of you and your talks, due to the desire to be with him, right?

it is what it is. funky, women would not stop at anything if they wanted to contact you....nothing! even if she treated you poorly towards the end, she would call to apologize if she still loved you and was thinking of you. even the thought that you may be dating would not stop a woman from relaying her thoughts to you....IF SHE WANTED YOU BACK! you state you want her to know how you feel..yes, because you still desire her.

do you think she is considering, now, how is the best way to contact funky?

NO, NO! she knows how, she simply may not feel what you do.

[Trialbyfire]

Belive me there was no fiancail gain with him, only £150 a month, and she knew i would have paid that and more. HE never gave to the mortgage, her gran did, and stopped paying joint loans. I always said i would have bought him out, and from what i can see, she was selfish to him as well, such as going out and leaving him at home and making him give up a p/t job to help clean the house! i really dont know what happened with them, but i know with me, she was like that too, she knew i found it hard when she went clubbing then telling me this guy gropped her etc. I wanted her to be commited, i wanted her to tell me how much she loves me as i did to her, rather than her say how much do you love me. I wanted her to make me feel specail. i told her that i would willingly die for her and the kids, and they were like my own, she knew this, she knew i would commit 100% there was no dought, but how i was treated in some respects made me feel insecure. I guess it was a catch 22 situation in that she nevr made me feel like i was hers 100% and i could not do all that was expected of me b/c i was trust into this mad situation of 3 kids married finacial prob, clubbing and all other stuff, but i gladly stood by her, and really wanted to work things out with her and stuff. One thing that i remember was a friend of hers dyed, the first person she called was her ex hubby, that realy hurt me, i was there with her, i wanted to make her feel better cos i loved the pants off her. I told her many times i want the family thing woth you, i want a kid with you, i mean how much can you say and do? She was ill alot with stress, i was always with her, massarging her, running her bath, cooking for her,looking after the kids. I loved her so very much. When i got into the relationship, i never expected all these issues in her life, but when they came up. i wanted to help, and clear a parth for our future. The last time we went out i said that her hubbys over her now, her responce ' he text me and said he will never let me go' my responce, you have to get rid of him, hers i dont want to talk about it. This was serious **** in her life that if she truly wanted a future with me needed to be addressed, and not stuck to one side. That shows how much i wanted her, otherwise i would not have gien a crap about her hubby or what he said. I spent my last penny on her kids, and i even gutted and done the rooms for her kids. It was not an easy relationship for me, with nights in cleaning and cooking for her and the kids, but i loved every minate of it, and would do it again. What hurt was she would go out with her mates get drunk, and i waould have this women who had no energy for me, and that really hurt me. I planned many things and on the most part she was asleep! i LOVED HER THOUGH AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERED, AND IN THE END, I NEVER GOT TO SAY HOW MUCH AND THATS WHY I WANT TO TELL HER, EVEN IF ITS TOO LATE, B/C ITS WHAT I WANT TO DO. People say get backbone, sometimes saying how you feel takes more guts than staying quite, and if i know one thing, its not to feel that you should have said something when you never. Whatever the outcome.

Okay, now we have some reality here. Read what you just wrote. Read it over and over again. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If you get back with her, this is what you're looking at...

 

Love isn't enough.

[funkybassplayer]

Okay, now we have some reality here. Read what you just wrote. Read it over and over again. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If you get back with her, this is what you're looking at...

 

Love isn't enough.

 

 

My mate Mark said that very same thing to me, do you want to live like this, my answer, no. It was l/d and he said it would have been worse if you lived full time with her. I wanted to try, i was gonna rent mine out, but she only wanted me to sell my jouse, i guess to buy him out, and of course i could not and would not do this.

[iamTHROUGH]

Funky,

 

I am just wondering when was the last time there was any contact between the two of you? When did she last go out of her way to contact you?

[Trialbyfire]

My mate Mark said that very same thing to me, do you want to live like this, my answer, no. It was l/d and he said it would have been worse if you lived full time with her. I wanted to try, i was gonna rent mine out, but she only wanted me to sell my jouse, i guess to buy him out, and of course i could not and would not do this.

We all define what our hard boundaries are. She can change who she is but you can't make or force her to change. Until or if that ever happens, you're looking at a life with someone who's not there for you.

 

Let's say that you do get back with her and five years later, you're married. Something happens where you won't be able to continue supporting her. Will she look elsewhere to supplement her own weaknesses? Think hard about this.

[funkybassplayer]

Will she look elsewhere to supplement her own weaknesses? Think hard about this. Quote

 

My god out of everything said here, this is the most important one. When she told me about the new chap it was he has this car, buys expensive cloths, his parents own a chinki(big deal) All money stuff. I gave her my heart, i spent what i could on them. She cant be on her own, cos she has no strenth, and expects every1 to deal with her ****. At the end of the day, she knows in her heart at leat now anyway, that what i did was b/c i loved her, not b/c of anything else, and she should have been more understanding to my needs and wants. even as far as changing a day to go up their in her book was a lack of commitment, but what it really was was loss of control over what i was doing. That is what she did not have with me, control, b/c i was strong willed, but that strenth was what she needed in her life, and i gave her that, and she trew it away.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay...so...why do you want this woman? Am I getting through to you?

[funkybassplayer]

Okay...so...why do you want this woman? Am I getting through to you?

 

 

**** know's! I think that i was so involved on an emotional level in her life and her kids lives that thats what is so hard to shift, and i need to. but there were some wonderful moments, and i know in her heart she loved me, but she could not unlock that from her heart. It was too soon after her spit with the hubby. You guys on this site have been my family and if it was'nt for here, i have no idea how i would have coped. Thank you all.

[Chinook]

Funky, you're in love with a woman who doesn't exist. You're in love with someone who cannot give you what you want or need.

[funkybassplayer]

Funky, you're in love with a woman who doesn't exist. You're in love with someone who cannot give you what you want or need.

 

 

 

I know, but like so many here, i belived that she was the girl i first met, and when the change came, i thought it was the stress in her life, and i would have back this woman i loved, but she was never there was she, there was no woman in the first place, just an illution.

[Chinook]

I know, but like so many here, I believed that she was the girl I first met, and when the change came, I thought it was the stress in her life, and I would have back this woman I loved, but she was never there was she, there was no woman in the first place, just an illusion.

Nope, she was never the person she showed you and no, she isn't coming back. It's hard, I know it is. But you have to face it... we're not blameless in this either really. We saw and see, only what we want to see. It's very hard to see through the fog in the early days when everything seems so wonderful. I still think emailing her is wrong. I still think any contact now will undo any progress you have made. Put today down to being a bad day and open your eyes tomorrow with renewed faith in yourself.

[funkybassplayer]

Nope, she was never the person she showed you and no, she isn't coming back. It's hard, I know it is. But you have to face it... we're not blameless in this either really. We saw and see, only what we want to see. It's very hard to see through the fog in the early days when everything seems so wonderful. I still think emailing her is wrong. I still think any contact now will undo any progress you have made. Put today down to being a bad day and open your eyes tomorrow with renewed faith in yourself.

 

 

I wont email her. There is still this outstanding cheque, if she calls about that, then ill say my peice in a casual way. Its a shame cos the lady i fell for was wonderful. There is no way i can date at the mo, and gonna take a good few months out to fully heal from this. I refuse to belive that she just forgot about me, cos im tucked deep in her heart, and one day i will come back as a memory, and hopefully a good one. Who knows in a year or two maybe we can be mates, i dunno, but i have to truly move on. I guess if she did call or text, i would talk to her, and i think its her way of dealing with the loss of me. We all cope different. Im sure when shes on her own and she looks at the dimond ring i got her, she will remember how exited i was to give it to her, and she knows that i am a strong, but gentle soul, not into fighting or drunk nights out but into being a loverble boyfriend that always said what i felt. She will miss me even if you guys dont agree, i got into her soul, i knew that, she just could not control me, and lost control of me in the way that i did what i felt was the right thing, and not just blindly followed her every wish. I let out a lot of emotions today, and im hoping tomorrow will be better, but for now, im gonna keep quite, and leave her be, and carry on healing in whatever way my body wishes it. It seems that the people on here are the victims of hurt , disrespect and abandonmant, and we all understand each others pain, with different views and thoughts. One thing i know about myself, is that i DO need to say these things, but it has to be at the right time. I did try a few weeks ago, but it came out all wrong. I wont properly rest until i do, and if i know her, shes wondering how the hell i havent been in touch! I mean no one does this to tammy!

[Lizzie60]

This is my last post about this... really WTF???

You need help my dear, go see a doctor or a psychologist... I'm serious, you really do need some kind of psychological help, this made me worry:

 

I refuse to belive that she just forgot about me, cos im tucked deep in her heart

 

i would talk to her, and i think its her way of dealing with the loss of me.

 

when shes on her own and she looks at the dimond ring i got her, she will remember how exited

 

She will miss me even if you guys dont agree, i got into her soul, i knew that,

 

she just could not control me, and lost control of me in the way that i did what i felt was the right thing, and not just blindly followed her every wish.

 

and carry on healing in whatever way my body wishes it.

 

You're scarry man... honestly get some help!

[funkybassplayer]

eer excuse me, but ill do what i like thanks. I have a right to feel what i like, and no one will tell me if i need help exept my gp! Im coping with a great loss to me here, and the whole point of this site is for people to say and do as they need to to help them get over it. Nobody is forcing you to read what i have written, and remember 1 thing, im writin this stuff down here, and not on an email to her......that would be scary. Yes i was exited to give her the ring, cos i worked my butt off to do it, yes i was in her head and heart, and she treid to control even when and how i called her, and if i missed a call, it was hell! REmember i know this person, and how she thinks, did i stalk her? no did i text her a hundered times ? no did i leave her be? yes did i abandon her at the end? No. so My dear, if i did this stuff yes thats scary, but writing it on a site to get it out of my system? Well i think thats pretty normal.

[Aliddy]

Hello,

I have been following your thread, and I do understand.

 

I stumbled across these boards 6 weeks ago, when I felt my heart had been ripped out by and ice cream scoop......you were the first person who wrote to me......

 

I have since that day, read these boards religously, and I have discovered two things.....

 

1) My ex simply did not love me ..... I know that for a fact, from reading posts like yours it is blatently obvious you truly loved her, and anyone who can't see that is the one " needing help " !!!!

 

2) That maybe my heart was not as broken as I thought, as reading these threads now, I just can't relate to that pain anymore.....yes I am upset, and yes I am p off he went back to his ex within a week ......but that's what it is ...............annoyance.

 

I did break N/C for a reason, I had to know for sure, that there was absoutely no misunderstanding, that I had done all I could. I sent a text, about some post for him, he texted back............very formally..............that was it.............he had the chance then to speak to me.....he chose not to ... I didn't loose face....and I never texted again.

Strangely, it didn't matter ...... and maybe because I knew that it would not matter to me, I felt able to do it....

 

Funky, you seem to me a genuine, considerate person, who always answers posts on here and shows genuine compassion and concern.

 

Without doubt, I would not be as strong as I am today, 6 weeks on if you had not made me so welcome.

 

Suzanne

[ruby_gloom]

This is my last post about this... really WTF???

You need help my dear, go see a doctor or a psychologist... I'm serious, you really do need some kind of psychological help, this made me worry:

 

I refuse to belive that she just forgot about me, cos im tucked deep in her heart

 

i would talk to her, and i think its her way of dealing with the loss of me.

 

when shes on her own and she looks at the dimond ring i got her, she will remember how exited

 

She will miss me even if you guys dont agree, i got into her soul, i knew that,

 

she just could not control me, and lost control of me in the way that i did what i felt was the right thing, and not just blindly followed her every wish.

 

and carry on healing in whatever way my body wishes it.

 

You're scarry man... honestly get some help!

 

lizzie, calling someone "scary" when they are trying to seek help and sort out their thoughts and feelings is really distasteful. seriously.

 

anyway, ignoring the above:

 

funky, you need to realize that when we are in a great emotional slump a lot of the advice we are given, no matter how helpful, makes no sense. sometimes when we are experiencing such deep pain, words and their logic and reasoning fall short.

 

when you are feeling like this, take a moment to be by yourself. just sit somewhere and project yourself back to the very day when it all ended. remember all that was said and done. then ask yourself if you want to put yourself in a position where you are setting yourself all the way back there, only to have to renew all of your great efforts once again.

 

you've made a lot of progress in these past months. yes, some days have been good and others bad, but you are moving along. now is not the time to move backwords, funky--back into the core of all of the heartache.

 

don't think of her and her new chap--think of you and your poor heart. it's sad and it's tired of the sadness, don't you think? i think now is the time to clutch and protect it, and to try to find a place where you both can be happy once again. don't throw it back into the fire, funky.

[funkybassplayer]

Thank you Sue, that ment alot. You know i was in a ten year relationship with a lovely girl, that ended b/c i didnt want to be in scotland and she didnt want to be in london, fair doos, at the same time my dad passed away and my mum got cancer. But i got through the lot, and for some reason, this one has really taken its toll on me, i have no idea why, b/c this should have been the easyest 1 to walk from, but be fair its only been 9 weeks or so, and iv been n/c for 7, and on our last night together the look in her eyes was of some1 in love. We all know what that looks like. MAybe thats why its a tough 1, and the 3 kids i guess. I have read some guys on here that have a 6 month relationship, and a year later there not over i! I was part of a family for two years looking after her and the 3 kids, taking them on hols, to school, spending time at my house with them, teachin the boy to play bass, loving the mother, and trying to help with all the crap that was in her life. and i was always there as best i could. Now it hurts that that is gone, i feel like i lost a life, but im doing all i can to fix myself and move on. All im doing is writing on here when i need to to get it out of my system, and if i can help some1 then i will. Its true like you people who can walk away from us dont deserve grief, but be fair, we would not be human if we felt nothing!

[Trialbyfire]

Much of LS is like a blog with input from others, where people pick and choose what advice they want to take and reject others. Most of us are aware of what's good for us as people but we deny it, due to our feelings for the other person. It's a matter of working through it, one piece at a time, until we're ready to let go. Once you let go, that sense of freedom is exhilarating. Having said that, it's a conscious decision to let go. Weak moments and setbacks are normal. Uncontrolled cycling is not.

[funkybassplayer]

Thanks Ruby for stickin up for me, you guys really care dont you, and i never even heard of you all Thank you, your right of course, and i think today was a huge vent day for me, alot came out, im feeling a calm at last, after a good few days of crap. No i wont get in touch, not today, or tomorrow. (im not scary, exept behind the wheel of my car!)

[Aliddy]

Do you know just how RARE you are ? To be willing to accept three children, from another relationship and treat them as your own....

 

It's because of that, you feel devastated, you loved those children, so it is no suprise that it is tearing you apart.

 

I know it hurts, and you don't deserve to hurt, and there are no words that ANYONE can say that will take that away.

 

You need to have " closure " in what ever form you can, it is impossible if there are loose ends ( well from my experience ).

 

Maybe, you will feel, like me, in time and be able to risk contact, as what ever the outcome, it wont hurt. I am at that place, I am a little wobbly, and I still think of him, but the tummy churning has stopped,the not being able to sleep has stopped.................as I said to a friend " this has been like a death, a slow and painful death " but a death it was..................

 

As for you my friend, your recovery make take a different path, it make take longer, it may have more twists and turns, but you will in time end up at the same place.

 

Suzanne :-)

[funkybassplayer]

Much of LS is like a blog with input from others, where people pick and choose what advice they want to take and reject others. Most of us are aware of what's good for us as people but we deny it, due to our feelings for the other person. It's a matter of working through it, one piece at a time, until we're ready to let go. Once you let go, that sense of freedom is exhilarating. Having said that, it's a conscious decision to let go. Weak moments and setbacks are normal. Uncontrolled cycling is not.

 

 

yes i agree. This is the first major setback i had in 2 months, so hopefully it will pass. I think that iss b/c of the school hols. I was kinda dreadin it as we had so much planned.

[Art_Critic]

You might want to check out some of ck_guy02 threads.. He was a poster that was going thru something similar as you are.

 

He also posted under another username but I can't remember what it was..

 

ck_guy02 comes back from time to time and talks about his moving on and how it helped him to date other people.

He would be what I think is a sucess story and he wrote about his breakup without pulling any punches..

He was open and honest like you are and was also in the same kind of pain you are in..

[funkybassplayer]

Do you know just how RARE you are ? To be willing to accept three children, from another relationship and treat them as your own....

 

It's because of that, you feel devastated, you loved those children, so it is no suprise that it is tearing you apart.

 

I know it hurts, and you don't deserve to hurt, and there are no words that ANYONE can say that will take that away.

 

You need to have " closure " in what ever form you can, it is impossible if there are loose ends ( well from my experience ).

 

Maybe, you will feel, like me, in time and be able to risk contact, as what ever the outcome, it wont hurt. I am at that place, I am a little wobbly, and I still think of him, but the tummy churning has stopped,the not being able to sleep has stopped.................as I said to a friend " this has been like a death, a slow and painful death " but a death it was..................

 

As for you my friend, your recovery make take a different path, it make take longer, it may have more twists and turns, but you will in time end up at the same place.

 

Suzanne :-)

 

Thanks Sue! i feel you are right, and i feel that i will one day re establish contact just to have that last closure, or the begining of a freindship. You c the day we broke up was beutiful, we walked talked and kissed on the lips. I wanted to let her go then she never she wanted a frienship, i tryed, but it messed up my last memories of her and the kids, and all i have is the little girl crying to sit with me, and wanting me to take her on the beach. Its not the last memory that i want of them, and im sure that Tam knows this. Like you Sue, i have to email or talk with her 1 more time, to settle myself, thats just how i am, but not now. Its not about getting her back or anything, but its saying goodbye to a family that i loved and cared for for so long.