funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I cant belive that im going down hill again, after doing so well. I was in n/c for 7 weeks and doing well, felt like i was getting really strong, then bam, the school hols, and all the memories of last year spent with her and her kids, and all the plans we had for this year. We split 10 weeks ago, and she very quickly found another, and i could not keep contact wuth her or the kids, and i last saw them, and never got the chance to say bye to them all. Now i think, what if she wants me to call, what if she and him finished, what if she's afraid to call me, b/c of how she new i was feeling (angry and hurt) when i last spoke to her, what if i call and she wants to c me. But the risks, god, im feeling like this now if i call and there on there way to a family hol, or camping or she just does not want to know me, the pain will be great-too great. I have found the n/c really hard, and i miss her so much. I have a website for my music, that links to mysite, and i have left a message to tell her to call if shes missing me. I figured that if she goes that far, she may want to get in touch. I dont even know if i want her back as a relationship, but maybe as a friend b/c i miss her, but then she was so hard to be with, she wouldnt commit to me, she wanted to stay married , and she wanted to club out with her mates, she always took things out on me, i try to remember these things, but the pain of her not being in my life outweighs it. I think she thinks i have met some1 new, on 1 hand i like the thought that she knows how hard it must be to keep n/c and on the other i want her to know that i miss her. Do i give a call or not?? Please give me some ideas. I know how strong iv been staying in n/c without a peep from me, and i know i can still do it, but what if..........................??
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Funky, please don't do this to yourself. Don't call her. You know what will happen. You will not get the response that you want. She will not meet your expectations for reconcilliation of even friendship. She didn't care about you. She's not the person who she was when you guys were together. She's moved on now. She doesn't call because she doesn't miss you. You already know this. You know this is how it is. These are the days when NC is painful. These are the days when you need people around you. Go out to the shopping centre, get a coffee in a coffee shop, browse the book stores... just go out and be in the midst of people. I find this helps. Even if I don't talk to people. Even if I feel lonely, seeing others out in the world helps me not to feel so alone. I know it's hard on these days. I know. I wish I could say something to make it easier. You know you will go in and out of this place. Focus upon yourself and how you can feel better. Please don't look to her for comfort because even if she cared, she can't and won't give it to you. The fact is though, if you asked she would tell you she does care - and she does - she cares about not being seen as an uncaring bitch. But her actions would never follow through. You protect yourself. Look towards yourself for healing. Listen to sad music, watch sad films, walk in the places that belonged to you both. Get the sadness outside of yourself, don't hold it in. Look at your signature - that's the kind of person she was truly. Selfish, cold, heartless. You had the nail on the head a day or so ago. It doesn't matter who or what they are. What matters is that we loved and we were rejected. That takes time to heal.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks C, youve been good for me, i guess there still is alot of deep feelings in me that have yet to come out, but i guess thats what makes us who we are, and they who they are. You are right she will always talk to me, and yes she will say she cares, but what good is that anyway! Im on an online dating site, just chat to people and stuff, and quite often her mate pops up in the searches. I never speak to her but i know she must tell Tam im still on the sites! I do think about all the horrible things she said to me, she would take so much out on me like if her oldest daugther pissed her off (she had no control of her) i know i was in for a bad day, she was selfish to me without even batting an eye lid! I gave back what she gave me, but at heart im a gentle soul, and i just wanted her to love me, and not be so selfish too me. I know i must be tough, cos there are better people out there. Im gonna go out in a bit to a music store, i have some friends in there, and have a coffee.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks C, youve been good for me, i guess there still is alot of deep feelings in me that have yet to come out <snip> Im gonna go out in a bit to a music store, i have some friends in there, and have a coffee. You're very welcome. I think in the last month, all of us who have been posting have been very good to each other, it's amazing how when one has had a bad day, everyone else has rallied and helped. When someone else has had a good day, everyone else has taken comfort. These are the things which make us human, to care and to grow and learn from our hurts. I feel sorry for our exes as they wander blindly, unknowing into their futures. I am happy with who I am now. I am not out of the woods yet, but I'm getting there, as are the rest of you. Go out, talk and pass the time of day. Drink coffee, browse the music on the shelves, buy something to inspire brightness in you. Something different that you would not normally listen to. Final word, change your online dating profile. T's friends don't need to see what you're doing. The 'best revenge is to live well' applies to you, not to them...they don't need to see us living well. We need to see it and feel it. It will come for you Funky, life can only move forwards. There is nothing in the past, it is gone now... you can only make a difference in the future. Go forward to it and meet it with enthusiasm. Each day has a whole new 24 hours to do what we will with them. We can make a difference every day to how we're feeling, all we need to feel is ready and willing. You'll get there.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 i just got back from the store bought myself something. On the way back in the car, i was crying with so much grief, the last time i did that was when my dad died. I cant say i feel any better, and still want to call her. Why can they hurt us so much, give us a family to love, then take it all away. The last time i spoke to my ex i said i was moving on and that although i never would have walked out, the relationship was very stresful for me, which was all true. How i wished i never said that now, and how i wished i told her how much i oved them all, but i did, i think, i said that i loved her enough to let her go. i really wanna call or email and say how much i lved her and the kids, and that she was my baby, and i just wanted hr to love me in te way that i felt i was first in her life. She was always so possesive of me, to the point where i would find it hard to breath in the relationship, but as the weeks have gone by, i am really starting to miss her. It seemed better b4! I feel if i can just tell her how i feel maybe i may settle. I feel i left her with an uncaring attiude like i was pleased it ended and i guess at the time, i was, but now i feel that i want her to know just what she ment to me.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 i just got back from the store bought myself something. On the way back in the car, i was crying with so much grief, the last time i did that was when my dad died. Huni, you are grieving. You have lost a life partner, someone you loved and cared about. You have lost your future, your hopes and dreams. You've been handed a reality which you didn't want. You're trying to cope with one whilst losing the other. It will take time. Some days are harder than others. You told me this just last week and you also told me to just hang in there. So I return your wisdom to you, hang in there. i really wanna call or email and say how much i lved her and the kids, and that she was my baby, and i just wanted hr to love me in te way that i felt i was first in her life. < snip > I feel i left her with an uncaring attiude like i was pleased it ended and i guess at the time, i was, but now i feel that i want her to know just what she ment to me.Huni, she knew these things didn't she...? You told her often enough during the relationship didn't you...? She doesn't need to be told a second or third or fourth time. She doesn't need to be reminded. To reach out to her, you're asking her to salve your pain and she can't do that for you. Only you can heal your pain Funky. She left and moved on because she didn't feel the same any longer. Things inside her changed. It probably had very little to do with you. She just didn't feel the same anymore. That's not a reflection on you or whether you were good enough. It has nothing to do with any of your characteristics. Someone else came along and turned her head.
tinke Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 funk what if her and her new mate are not doing so vey hot, and here comes your message that you love her, etc. she may look at that as an opportunity to bring you back into her life to RESCUE her, secure her financially, etc. who knows? but not what you are seeking from her. when another party enters the relationship..the dynamics have changed. you cannot go back to what you 2 had, she (and you) are now different. i have done this and it seems to put things into perspective...imagine her lying next to you, not looking at you, look at her. now can you honestly forgive her, touch her without feeling sickened by her disrespect, knowing she left you for someone else..and quite easily. sorry, just some hard reality! i believe that you already know that she knows you love her. i had read and believe...if she wants to contact you..nothing can stop her or get in her way.... if she doesn't want to be with you...nothing you can say will convince her. just something to think about. hang in there funky, when we get experienced at this, we begin to learn that better days will arise again. i understand your deep pain, you'll have one of those forget her days again soon.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 The thing is she never left me for some1 else, she met him a week after (but was still talking to me intimate) I feel that even if she did want to contact me she would'nt cos she knows she treated me like i was nothing in the end, and she would feel that she cant contact me. This is the thing, and to be honest i dont know if i want her back in that way, but i would like the chance to speak to her again, as i feel i have so much that was unsaid. It all ended so fast with me not being able to tell her stuff like how specail she was too me, and in the relationship, i hurt alot, and bieng l/d and 3 kids, you got very little time to ourselves to talk or whatever. When it ended, i spent a nice day with her, we kissed, and i wanted to leaveit at that. She wanted to be friends, and started crying saying i can be part of the kids lives still, i accepted, b/c i could not c her in tears, then very soon after sge met some1 and i said i was glad for her, she said to spend the day with them, i did, i went up there within 10mins new guy called her, i have to go which i did. There was love in her eyes, i could still see it, i know it, i spoke to her one more time after that. I feel there was so much left unsaid, what harm would it do to say those things now? im not expecting her to come back, or anything, just for me to say how i felt about her and the kids.
BeyondThePale Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Please don't call her! You've got to remember that it does not matter what she is doing or if she's missing you or not. All that matters is that it's over and you've got to live your life for you. If she really wanted to work things out with you, there wouldn't be a question in your mind. She would WORK to let you know she was in love with you. You left a message on your website, so if she goes looking, and she would if she was wanting to work on things with you, she would give you a call. But, don't you think you deserve a little more than just some crappy phone call that will mess with your head after how you were treated? You deserve some magic, some romance and a real fight to win back the man she loves and wants to be with. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck and stay strong!
madgun68 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Hey Funky, I think leaving a message for your ex like that is perfectly fine.. So long as you can handle interaction between the two of you without suffering setbacks because of it. I did something similar with my ex. (I've never posted about it, but basically the breakup wasn't where things went south.. I fell in to depression afterwards and become overly needy. Every time I'd tried to contact her and smooth things over, it just seemed that we'd never get along ever again, so I left her a message on my blog saying that I was okay if she contacted me, but that I wasn't going to attempt it again.) Really be careful if you do something like this that you're doing so without having any expectations about the outcome. Really search deep within yourself to make sure your intentions are just of wanting to be friends and nothing more.. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for more heartache.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks for that, i was thinking of emailing this? Thoughts please?? [FONT=Arial] Hope your well. Its been a while since we last spoke, and I can guess your happy, and am pleased for you. Don’t be angry that I’m emailing you, I just wanted you to know that I loved you all so very much, and that you were my baby, and I wanted to look after you all for always. You all touched my heart and my life in a big way, and you will always all be very special and dear to me. I know we had up n downs, but under it all, I loved you with all my heart, you are a beautiful woman, and I loved spending time with you, walking with you, talking with you, holding you and being in bed with you. When we ended I was full of emotions, and was trying to be your friend when its true that I could not be, I guess I wanted still to be part of your lives in some way, as you did mine. I truly hope we can be friends, one day, and you can always call me or email, I will always listen, Rich x[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Im not expecting a responce from her, but its how i feel to her. [/FONT]
child_of_isis Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Don't send it!! You will be on pins and needles waiting for a reply. How will you feel if you don't get one? CRUSHED! How will you feel if she says she is happy with her new dude? CRUSHED! How will you feel if the reply doesn't meet your expectations? CRUSHED!
madgun68 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I would advise against sending that. Two reasons.. First, although you're saying you wouldn't be expecting a responce from her, can you say with absolute certainty that you wouldn't be hoping, even just a little bit, to hear back from her? Beyond that, I think that there's just too much emotion from the past in that message. It's short, true.. But you're telling her how you felt about her (and to some extent still do) and there's something you need to consider when doing something such as that: Everyone copes with the loss of a relationship in their own way.. It isn't entirely the same for everyone. For some, they seem to get over it quickly and run to the arms of another. The thing is Funky, that just because she's seeing someone new, does not mean that anyone can say that she has lost all feeling for you. Just because she doesn't show it doesn't mean it isn't there. By expressing how you feel about her, you could in fact wind up hurting her by tearing at her emotions.. Feeling conflict between how she feels about the new guy and how she felt when she was with you. Do you really want to put her through that? I'm not saying that this will happen, but it IS a possibility. A short, personal message on your website is fine.. Just leave the feelings from the past out of it. If that isn't possible, then I think that's an indicator that you aren't really at a stage in the healing process to be in contact with her. It isn't that you need to forget the past.. But by bringing those feelings up, it's possible to bring up the feelings of the hurt that was caused when the relationship ended.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks for that, i was thinking of emailing this? Thoughts please?? [FONT=Arial] Hope your well. Its been a while since we last spoke, and I can guess your happy, and am pleased for you. Don’t be angry that I’m emailing you, I just wanted you to know that I loved you all so very much, and that you were my baby, and I wanted to look after you all for always. You all touched my heart and my life in a big way, and you will always all be very special and dear to me. I know we had up n downs, but under it all, I loved you with all my heart, you are a beautiful woman, and I loved spending time with you, walking with you, talking with you, holding you and being in bed with you. When we ended I was full of emotions, and was trying to be your friend when its true that I could not be, I guess I wanted still to be part of your lives in some way, as you did mine. I truly hope we can be friends, one day, and you can always call me or email, I will always listen, Rich x[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Im not expecting a responce from her, but its how i feel to her. [/FONT] Don't want to sound too harsh Funk but I'm a bit disappointed... I thought you had more control over your life. If you send this email, you will sound desperate... she might take it as a sign that you're weak, not in control.... or like the other poster said, she might use this opportunity to secure herself (IF she's not with him anymore)... trust me, if she wanted you back in her life, I bet anything she would let you know somehow. Come on... give yourself a shake and move on... Stop thinking about her and the life you had with her. Think about the future, concentrate on yourself.... your goals... Good luck... you can do this!
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Well i havent sent it and i dont think i will. I have left a short message on my site funkybassman is missing you, call if you want to, and thats it. I guess fait will do the rest one way or the other. She has always known me for being cheeky in that i will say what i thought when i felt, and this is going compleatly against how i would do things. I would send this message if i was not on this site, and maybe feel that i did what i had to do. Dont you people ever think, **** what she thinks its what i want to do, and i have done it, cos i feel thats what i want to do. I guess its that 3 month mark, where things take a turn. Im not ready yet to be with some1, and i dont think i will for a while. I have had dates, but not for me just yet. What i guess im afraid of is wishing i did send this, cos maybe she thinks i hate her! If i heard back or not, at least i said what i had to say? Its not about her, its about me. Does that not make sense?
Art_Critic Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 WTF dude ? Don't contact a woman that doesn't want you in her life.. She knows how to get in touch with you. In an earlier thread you said you didn't want to contact her when I mentioned that you sending the gift/money to the kids was nothing more than a ploy to contact her.. You need to start dating.. quit just talking to other women and start going out there.. You seem like a really easy to get to know guy with the whole music aspect going I'm sure women will be all over you. Let her go.. she isn't worth it.. Even if you got a sort of good response out of her you still wouldn't be back together and until she makes the move to GET YOU BACK then move on from her... She has moved on from you... This by the way was the toughest thing for me to do with the girl that brought me to LS.. So I feel you pain.. but your solution isn't contacting her...
Art_Critic Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I have left a short message on my site funkybassman is missing you, call if you want to, and thats it. Pull that down from your site.. You think it looks like an olive branch.. but that is only to you.. To her it looks and reeks of desperation
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 fbp, write everything you want to say into a soft-copy letter. Continue editing it over and over again, until it expresses exactly what you want it to say. Then, put it away for two weeks. After two weeks, read it again and see if you really want to send it. If you still feel the same way, send it. Most people don't though.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 No..not really... You need some backbone my dear... move on... Like Art said, she knows how to contact you... she has moved on... and she will see you as desperate and that will be a turn-off even more. Don't contact her... period. It's hard I know, but you can do it.. no one has ever die of a heartbreak... you'll survive.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I know guys, and if i sent it, in a few days ill feel **** i did! I guess the best thing i can do is stay quite, but at the mo, i really need to get over her fully b4 i start to date again, unless some real hottie comes along and really blows my mind! Its not just her, its the 3 kids, and a way of life that went, and cos its the school hols, its like wow man its all hit hard again. Shes a teacher and has 6 weeks off now, and im off too (always) ! and we had loads planned for this year. If only she got rid of all her crap hubby, wild nights out at clubs with mates, and well the last one sefish, i guess that would never have changed, then maybe we could have made it. She once said to me, ask me to marry me and if you mean it i will. My responce yes but your married, would you divorce, answer as always, i dont want to do that just yet. What was i to have done, she belongs to another man, no matter what she was saying, and her being still married and very much in contact with texts, was way too much for me too feel comfy with. In turn i could'nt be me, there was so much other crap, like lack of respect to her from her kids, and distance, and finaces that she would just let her ex hubby get away with, but in the end, i think the hubby hated her, and did not care what finacial state she was in. I could not sell my house to buy him out while they were married, but if i did, and she would not divorce him for another year or longer, i could'nt handle that i dont think. All i wanted to do was wait, and help her clear a parth for our future and i would have, i would have done anything if she showed to me that she was commited to me.
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 She once said to me, ask me to marry me and if you mean it i will. My responce yes but your married, would you divorce, answer as always, i dont want to do that just yet. This really stands out for me. If you had asked her, she would have committed, including the divorce.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Ok just changed it to say T funkybassman says hi, if you want to call do! you can c it look on www.bsharpduo.co.uk then click on my personal site link!!
Art_Critic Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Why change it ?.. you need to take the message down.. Come on man.. get on the online dating site and forget the ex.. she isn't worthy of the mental energy spent on her... Put the same amount of energy into someone new and you will find something rich and fulfilling..
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 This really stands out for me. If you had asked her, she would have committed, including the divorce. Thats something i would liked to have belived, but it was only a few months into the relationship, and in all honesty, there was no sighn what so ever that she would have divorced, if she would have married me, she would have divorced for me when i asked her to, because she knew i would have givin her all the backing she needed both finace and emotion. I really dont think she was ready for me b/c she would still find it good that her hubby was not over her, and that used to hurt me loads. And she would get upset at things he would do and say to her, she loved the attention from him, and i hated that, i wanted her for me, and if she would have said yes, i think even now i would be going on at her for divorce, and thats not good. I mean whats the point in staying married anyway? why?
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Thats something i would liked to have belived, but it was only a few months into the relationship, and in all honesty, there was no sighn what so ever that she would have divorced, if she would have married me, she would have divorced for me when i asked her to, because she knew i would have givin her all the backing she needed both finace and emotion. I really dont think she was ready for me b/c she would still find it good that her hubby was not over her, and that used to hurt me loads. And she would get upset at things he would do and say to her, she loved the attention from him, and i hated that, i wanted her for me, and if she would have said yes, i think even now i would be going on at her for divorce, and thats not good. I mean whats the point in staying married anyway? why? Financial gain aside such as child support or alimony in a separated situation, if her ex treated her like dirt, no doubt she enjoys the head games with him. It's a form of taking back what she should have gotten to begin with, not that I'm justifying her actions because it's not healthy. Her ex empowered her by allowing her to use him as an emotional crutch. In order for someone to commit though, they need to know for certain you are 100% committed. If they don't get it, they won't commit.
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